As embarassing as the confession is, I ended up going to the circus the next day, as well as the day after. So I´m going to the circus for the fourth time tonight. I‘m a loser, I know. I didn‘t tell Sam or dad because they wouldn‘t understand. I wouldn‘t know how to explain it anyway. My dad has so much work he doesn‘t care too much about me going out. He trusts me enough to let me do what I want. And the excuse ‘I‘m going to Sam‘s‘ would never get old. Of course it makes his eyebrow rise, but he doesn‘t suspect me. Of course he doesn‘t.

When I park near the circus camp, there‘s something wrong. First there are no other cars. Everything is quiet and I can‘t see any people gathering around the tent. I‘m getting a bad feeling but I have to try. So I lock my car and go nearer the tent to see if it‘s closed. And hey, it is. How come? Did I miss something? The time is right, isn‘t it? 

"Hey! What are you doing there?“ I hear voice yelling from the distance. I turn quickly and see the Asian girl – the ropewalker – staring at me a few metres away. She‘s holding a bucket in one hand and has the other on her hip. She doesn‘t wear her usual leotard but some frilly gothic dress. Wow.

"Em, excuse me? I came to see the show but…“ I start to explain, but the girl interrupts. Her face lights up and she‘s more relaxed. She smiles and makes her way to me.

"Oh, there‘s no show today. It’s our day off. Didn‘t you look at the program?“ 

Well, that would be certainly wise.

"I didn‘t,“ I admit and smile sheepishly. I‘m an idiot.

"I remember you! You were here for the last three shows!“ she exclaims. How could I have thought it couldn’t get more embarrassing? I feel the blood rushing to my head. "You must really like us, huh?“

"Sure,“ I mumble. Now I need to get out of here really fast. Shit, now I won‘t be able to come back here again because if she notices me I‘ll be dead. 

"I‘m sorry you came here in vain,“ she cocks her head. 

"My bad. Well, I guess I‘m gonna go,“ I offer a weak smile and gesture towards the parking lot. 

"Hey, Tina! What‘s up?“ another voice calls out. Oh my god, it‘s the magician‘s voice. He‘s standing where Tina stood a few minutes ago. And he‘s staring straight at me. Well, if I‘m not lucky. 

"We have a fan!“ Tina shouts back. I never had this bad an urge to disappear.

"What‘s your name?“ she turns to me again.

"I – I‘m Kurt,“ I stutter. I stutter. For Christ‘s sake. I‘m being cliché unconciously.

"Kurt here came to watch our performance, but didn’t realize we‘re not having it today,“ Tina explained to the magician as he approached. I‘ve never seen him so close to me. He‘s much more beautiful than from a distance. He is still looking at me and it makes me quite nervous. Very nervous.

"Oh, that‘s a shame,“ he blurts. "I‘m really sorry.“

"No, no, don‘t be, it‘s my fault after all,“ I assure him rather quickly, rather too quickly waving my hands like a madman. 

"Don‘t you want to see our camp? We‘re throwing a little party tonight,“ he says with charming smile and my knees go weak. He´s inviting me to his – their, ok – party! Now I‘d need to fan myself, but I‘m not that much of a drama queen.

"I don‘t want to bother,“ I shake my head though it breaks my heart.

"It‘s no bother,“ he grins at me and offers his hand. "I‘m sorry, I‘m Blaine.“

"Kurt,“ I point to myself and laugh nervously when shaking his. 

"Come on. Everybody would love to meet you,“ Blaine persuades me and he doesn‘t really have to. I‘m pretty sure I‘d agree to anything he would propose. I‘m so easy to get.

"Yeah, come on,“ Tina smirks and takes my arm, returning to their camp. So it‘s not as if I have a choice, right?

"So, you‘re from Lima?“ Blaine starts with the most usual question. 

"Um, yeah, I am,“ I blurt out and add quickly: "I‘m surprised you stopped here, it‘s such a small town. Not that I‘m complaining.“

"We travel across all countries,“ Tina says.

"Exept those where the weather is constantly below zero,“ Blaine smirks at me. I laugh at that. 

"That‘s great. I‘ve never been to anywhere other than Ohio,“ I admit, though it‘s rather embarrassing. Now they‘re going to think I‘m some bumpkin. 

"Well, Ohio isn‘t that bad,“ Blaine assures me. 

"To be truthful, I can‘t wait to get out of here.“ Which is so very true.

"Really?“ he says with curiosity but we‘ve already reached their camp. There are a few cars attached to travel trailers, and also livestock trailers, obviously for animals. In front of one of the travel trailers was a white plastic table and a few folding chairs. Two girls I remembered from the acrobatic numbers were sitting at it chatting and laughing nonchalantly. 

"Who are you dragging with you?“ one of them said with raised eyebrows.

"His name is Kurt – he came for the show but forgot we‘re not performing today,“ Tina explains and goes to drop the bucket beside the trailer. 

"So we invited him as a compensation,“ Blaine adds and put his hand on my shoulder. He‘s touching me. Though it doesn‘t mean anything I blush immediately.

"It‘s not necessary, I don‘t want to spoil your party or whatever, I‘ll just go,“ I blurt because the girl is piercing me with her eyes. 

"No, stay! More people, more fun!“ the second girl beams and jumps to her feet to greet me. She literally grabs my hand and shakes it.

"I‘m Brittany and this is my girlfriend, Santana. Don‘t be afraid of her, she‘s nice, right, honey?“ Brittany is really sympathetic and the information about their relationship surprises me, but it makes me beam. Maybe the circus people really will be my cup of tea. 

"Right. Nice to meet you, Kurt. Have a seat,“ Santana replies with more kidness but she´s smiling at Brittany not me. 

"Thank you.“ So I sit between the two of them while they reach out across the table to hold hands. Someone shouts Blaine´s name so he pats my shoulder and excuses himself. Tina‘s gone somewhere so I‘m here alone with the acrobat girls.

"I really loved your performances,“ I say just to make conversation. And besides it‘s true. 

"Why, thanks,“ Brittany grins. 

"Are you gay?“ Santana attacks me with the question without warning. Her expression is so calm. She means well, so I calm down myself a bit.

"Well, I can‘t deny it,“ I offer a small smile. She nods.

"Sorry, it was kind of obvious,“ she retorts and her lips curve a little. 

"Can I ask you something?“

"If it‘s not too intimate,“ Santana shrugs and it makes Brittany giggle.

"No, I just… how long have you two been together?“ 

"About…“ Santana looks at Brittany as if to assure herself. "Six years? I think… we grew up together. It‘s kind of hard to tell when we crossed the line between friendship and relationship.“

"Oh. That‘s amazing.“

"Yeah, we‘re lucky,“ Brittany informs me with a big grin. I truly envy them. 

"You‘re local, huh?“ Santana asks.

"Unfortunately,“ I retort bitterly. 

"Small town gay problems, huh?“ 

"Well,“ I smiled a little. That was a needless question. They asked more questions, most of them the usual, what do I do, how old I am et cetera. They were actually nice, though the Santana girl could be pretty intimidating and sharp-tongued. But I didn‘t mind. It felt like years since I had had a proper conversation with someone other than Sam or my dad. Soon Tina rejoined us with her boyfriend – that Asian ropewalker, his name was Mike – who was really nice and friendly too. Then I was introduced to Finn who was their fire-eater and was probably the tallest guy I‘ve ever met. 

There are warm and solid hands on my shoulders all of sudden. And then there‘s Blaine‘s voice: "Hey, are you having fun?“ 

I turn my head to see he´s smiling at me. Oh shit, I can feel the heat going up to my head. I‘m always so, so obvious and I hate it. 

"Yeah, I am,“ I answer quickly and hope nobody would notice how red I am.

"Great,“ he gives me a wide grin and pats my shoulders. "I want to introduce you to Quinn and Puck.“ 

I turn around to see the blonde girl who was doing equestrianism and Puck – well, Puck was unforgettable, especially with his exposed chest and whip looped around his waist. He was kind of scary too. I stood to greet them.

"Hello, I‘m Kurt. Um, nice to meet you,“ I offer to them. Puck grabs it and shakes it violently. It hurts, but Puck‘s grinning at me so he probably is like that. 

"Hey, my pleasure, kid. Blaine‘s already told us about ya. Call me Puck,“ he says and grins even wider. He‘s definitely scary. Then he finally lets go of my hand and steps back so Quinn – as Blaine called her – can shake my hand too. Her squeeze is much gentler and her expression is a bit reserved, but she‘s smiling lightly. I don‘t blame her – I‘m a stranger after all. 

"Nice to meet you, Kurt. I‘m Quinn. I‘m Puck´s wife,“ she introduces herself while shaking my hand shortly. 

"Wife?“ I repeat because what? Neither of them seem older than twenty-two or so. 

"Well, yeah. We are parents too,“ Puck explains with a smirk that definitely expresses his contentment with himself. 

"Wow,“ I retort and automatically look around to search for a child. 

"Beth is just a baby. She‘s sleeping now,“ Quinn says to my reaction and I just nod. Wow. Child. 

"Let‘s get this party started!“ Blaine announces and I notice someone brought alcohol and snacks here. Santana is pouring wine in glasses and Brittany puts chips in a bowl. 

"Red or white?“ Santana asks me, showing her hands hold a bottle of each.

"I… I can‘t, I drove here,“ I shake my head. And I‘m not really sorry – I don‘t mind drinking but I‘m not so excited about getting drunk as most of my classmates. 

"Your loss,“ Santana shrugs and skips my glass. Tina offers me soda and I take it with gratitude. It seems everyone is drinking and Mike and Finn have lit up cigars. The atmosphere is nice and easy, nobody seems to be bothered by my presence. The conversations flow easily around me. I listen to various stories and laugh at numerous jokes. When I look at my watch I find out it‘s almost eight already. I should be going in an hour or so. My dad usually goes to have a beer with his co-workers after work so he shouldn‘t mind. Puck asks if he should get a hookah and so we end up smoking it. I tried it only once and found it nicer than cigarettes, although after a while my throat is scratchy, but if the flavour is right, I quite enjoy it. 

"Hey, Kurt,“ Tina addresses me all of a sudden as I turn to her, "I remember you were here with some boy the first time you visited our circus.“ Some others turn to hear my answer too. Oh yeah, once again someone thinks I‘m going out with Sam. Do we really look like a couple? 

"Yeah, that was Sam. He‘s my best friend,“ I explain calmly because it‘s like the thousandth time I’ve said it. "In fact it was his idea to come here. He‘s such a dork.“

"You totally looked like a couple,“ Tina smirks and Blaine next to me coughs. Is it possible to get high on the hookah? Or am I imagining things?

"We get it a lot. Since we have no other friends, we‘re together all the time,“ I say. 

"How come?“ Mike frowns. 

"We‘re like the school losers,“ I try to answer as nonchalantly as possible. I don‘t want anyone pitying me. "I‘m gay and he‘s… he‘s a nerd and childish and well, he‘s my friend so it makes him an outcast.“ 

"Is it really like this at high school?“ Brittany asks me in a surprised tone. 

"At least at ours… wait… haven‘t you been to high school?“ I kind of don‘t want to believe it. 

"We‘re children of the circus,“ Santana shrugs. "All of us were born to be part of it. We went to elementary schools at towns we went through but only a few of us have further education.“

"I‘m the only one who went to college,“ Mike says with small smile. "But only for two years.“

"But we sometimes go to sit at some lectures at local universities,“ Blaine adds. 

"We‘re not dumb,“ Santana continues and it sounds bit offended, "we just didn‘t have time for it. We were taught our jobs as we grew up.“

"I don‘t think you´re stupid,“ I shake my head. "I‘m just surprised, that‘s all.“

"It‘s natural you‘re surprised. You know what? We never thought about doing anything else,“ Tina informs me all calm and sure. I kind of envy them. How much time do I spend worrying about my future, thinking what I‘ll do, what school I‘ll go to… I‘m fascinated by their lifestyle. They‘re so free, so independent. So themselves.

"And what would you like to do? You know, after graduation,“ Blaine asks me curiously. 

I take a deep breath before answering. "I want to go to New York. I want to study dramatic arts. It‘s been my dream since I was a child.“

"New York is great,“ Brittany nods dreamily. 

"So you‘d like to be an actor?“ Mike seems to be interested too. 

"Um, yeah, musical actor if possible,“ I offer a smile. I always feel stupid when I admit it. It‘s like you announce you have enough potential to do it, but you never are confident about your talent. 

"Really!“ Tina grins obviously excited. "That‘s great! I love musicals.“ 

"So you can sing,“ Blaine states surprised and he gives me those puppy eyes. "Please, sing something!“

My breath catches in my throat. I‘m flattered I‘m being asked to sing for them because it‘s not something that happens all the time but then I‘m scared. My relationship with my voice is love and hate because I know I sing well and my voice is extraordinary but I‘ve gotten so much shit about it I sometimes wish I had a different voice. 

"Yeah, please!“ Brittany joins and everyone seems actually curious. And Blaine is still looking at me like a lost beaten puppy and who am I to refuse him? 

"Okay,“ I sigh. Tina and Santana clap a little and Mike leans to tap at Puck‘s shoulder to announce I‘m going to sing so he should stop his conversation with Finn. Then everyone‘s quiet, looking at me with expectations. I need a song. What song? As if he can read my mind, Blaine says: "Pick something you like.“ And well, Beatles are first to cross my mind. They are my all time favourites. And then chosing a song isn‘t that hard. It‘s Eleanor Rigby I‘ve chosen. 

I have my eyes closed, lyrics flowing from my mind through my lips and I know I can sing it well. I‘ve always had a soft spot for this song. It‘s so touching but not sentimental. There is something in the song what makes it familiar to me. When I‘m done I dare to open my eyes. Oh wow, everyone‘s gaping at me. Is it a good or bad thing? But intense applause follows quickly and I have to grin. I feel good, I feel happy. They liked it. 

"You have an amazing voice!“ Brittany praises me while she claps loudly, so loudly Quinn has to shush her. She‘s probably concerned about her sleeping child but we weren‘t quietest during the evening and I haven‘t heard a single cry. She goes to check her anyway. 

"I don‘t know. I sound like a girl,“ I cringe because I get this everyday. Every damn day. 

"Yeah! That‘s great! I always wanted the voice of Leonard Cohen!“ Brittany says and I laugh. Santana rolls her eyes and waves her hand as if to say ‘nevermind‘. I already love both of them. 

"No, seriously, it‘s amazing,“ Blaine joins the praises and thank god it‘s getting darker because I‘m blushing without a doubt. 

"I‘m sure you´ll be a great musical actor,“ Tina adds with a smirk. Then it sort of leads to a discussion about everyone‘s voice ranges. They reveal to me they‘re working on a new number for the fire show and it‘s Light My Fire by The Doors. Sam would really appreciate it though he made me like them when he showed me some pictures of a half naked early Jim Morrison. So what. I like their lyrics too. 

"I should be going. My dad doesn‘t like when I‘m late home on school days,“ I inform them when it really gets dark and my watch shows two minutes past nine o‘clock. I need to fetch dinner and prepare for tomorrow‘s school after all. 

"That early?“ Santana makes a face. 

"I have school tomorrow,“ I shrug nonchalantly though I‘d gladly skip it anytime. Especially now. 

"That‘s a shame. But will you come tomorrow night? We could give you a discount since you are such a loyal fan,“ Blaine offers with a charming grin. 

"I can‘t,“ I answer with a broken heart, "we have a proper family dinner every Friday.“ Me and dad. It‘s awkward but it´s nice to talk a bit with him. During the week we‘re too busy to talk to each other. 

"Are we going to the town on Saturday?“ Blaine asks everyone.

"Yeah. Oh, you could be our guide!“ Tina turns to me with this suspicious smirk. 

"That‘d be cool,“ Mike adds.

"I‘d be happy to but… Lima‘s not really interesting,“ I reply. But who would I be to disagree to this offer, right? 

"Doesn‘t matter. We always look around downtowns of cities we visit,“ Santana explains grabbing a new bottle of wine. 

"Ok, it‘s settled,“ Blaine closes the discussion. He looks at me and smiles like he‘s really happy about it. I don‘t know what I think about it. 

"Great. I – I really need to go,“ I inform them and get up on my feet. 

"Yeah. We have the show on Saturday too so come around noon for that tour around town,“ Mike remembers. „If it‘s okay.“

"Of course it is,“ I nod maybe too excitedly. 

"I‘ll walk you to the car,“ Blaine offers and stands up immediately. 

"You don‘t… don‘t have to.“ But he just smiles and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"So… see you on Saturday?“ I say as goodbye to everyone. All of them – including Puck, Finn and Quinn who have been having their own conversation until now and they apologize for it – say their goodbyes and wave their hands. Wow, it seems they really like me. It makes me feel warm inside. 

"Let‘s go so your dad won't be upset,“ Blaine turns to me. I just nod and start to walk. It´s not so far away from their camp to the parking lot. 

"I‘m really glad you stayed tonight,“ Blaine says all of sudden. "We like to meet new people.“

"I‘m glad too,“ I reply instantly and oh, I‘m still so obvious it makes me feel mad at myself. I need to control myself. Just because he´s so nice to me doesn‘t mean it means anything. 

"I was wondering, was there a particular reason why you chose Eleanor Rigby to sing?“ he asks carefully and it really surprises me. I‘m taken aback by the question. 

"I don‘t know. I like the song. It‘s a song with a story. Not to mention the music,“ I say in the end.

"But it is a sad song. About loneliness and so.“

"Wait… do you… imply I‘m Eleanor Rigby?“ I realise and stop because we‘re at the parking lot already. Obviously my car wasn‘t stolen and Blaine seems really concerned about me. Which is sweet but useless. 

"Well, I hope you‘re not ‘cause she‘s dead but,“ he chuckles just slightly only to became serious again, "you seem to be a little lonely.“ 

"Everyone‘s sometimes lonely,“ I shrug trying to sound as impassive as possible. I found out it‘s better to keep your sorrow and anger inside. Of course, there‘s danger it explodes in you sometimes but like this you can survive. Because if you let those things bring you down, they consume you. And you won‘t have the strength to stand up again. So everything´s alright. "Don‘t worry about me. It‘s not a big deal.“

Blaine doesn‘t seem to trust me but he isn‘t insisting. After a few seconds of silence he grabs my hand. My heart stops immediately. 

"Come on Saturday. Will you?“ he asks me a little desperately or so he sounds. 

"Of course, I said I would,“ I start to breathe again. Still I‘m short of it. 

"Just checking,“ he smirks and lets go of my hand. I feel sorry and relieved at once. Strange. Everything‘s so strange. 

"Well, see you then?“ I say though I want everything but not to leave. But I expect my dad will be calling me any minute. 

"Sure,“ he replies with a smile and takes a step back, "I‘ll be looking forward to it.“

"Me too,“ I return the smile and search for my car keys. My hands aren‘t trembling at all. "Bye.“

"Yeah, bye, Kurt.“

I‘m sitting behind the steering wheel in my car and I have to focus all my energy to be able to drive away from here. It‘s almost half past nine.

I don‘t think I‘m going to get any sleep tonight as well.