"No way. Forget it,“ I inform Sam who is pouting like a small child I frequently suspect him to be.

"But why, dude?“

"Because you‘re calling me dude,“ I say ironically. Really, do I have to remind him all the time? It‘s been two years since I forbid him to call me like that for the first time. Either he doesn‘t listen to me or he keeps forgetting. Knowing him, probably both.

"Please, Kurt! I wanna go there!“ he pleads and tries his puppy eyes on me. After all those years it has stopped having its effect on me. No matter how gay I am or how handsome he is. 

"Go with someone else!“

"I have no other friends!“

"Go alone!“

"Why don‘t you want to go,“ he frowns and crosses his arms. 

"Because,“ I singsong to punctuate my words he keeps ignoring, "circuses are lame.“

"No! It‘s cool! There are lions and equestrianism and clowns…“

"Lame, lame, lame,“ I continue chirping and pretend I’m more interested in my English essay than him. 

"Don‘t be such an asshole,“ Sam blames me, making me give him my best murderous look. But he is probably too used to it. "You‘re the one who always tells me not to be narrow-minded. I even went with you to that French musical. You should return the favor.“

"Do you mean Les Misérables? Because you cried in the end,“ I remind him maliciously. He wept like little child, oh, didn‘t he. Even I was stronger, just being a bit tearful but that was it. I had to hug him, for Lady Gaga‘s sake.

"Ok, but you could still go with me,“ he insists and now I truly hate the fact we have no other friends. Sad fate of school losers. Yay.

"And why are you so keen to go by the way?“ I make a face because a circus? Really, Sam?

"Cause when I lived back in Florida, I went to a circus every year. It was fun. So I feel kinda nostalgic now,“ he explains and there is such a lovely beam in his face I almost give up. Almost. "And the poster says it‘s a modern kind of circus with unusual performances.“

"Hmmm…“ Okay, that piqued my interest. But what if they were just going to do some stupid childish dances with dogs and rabbits?

"And I bet they have some really hot muscled guys in the staff,“ Sam winks at me and oh God, I hate when he uses an advantage of my sexuality. 

"Sam…“

"I will pay for your ticket,“ he proposes pleading with his doe eyes and unnerving smile.

"Of course you will,“ I glare at him like it‘s understood. I‘m not going to waste an hour of my life and pay for it. My wallet would cry and run away from me in disgust. 

"So…?“ he trails off waiting for me to give him my final answer.

"Fine, fine! God, why do you have to be such a kid…“ I rolled my eyes while Sam pumps his fist with hissed 'yes' and jumps on my bed. He makes me nuts but that‘s also a part of a friendship. I guess. 

"Let‘s listen to some music?“

~¤~

First of all I should explain a bit about my friendship with Sam. For us being so completely different, having almost nothing in common, it‘s weird to be friends. Best friends I can say though is rather because of a lack of other friends. The thing is that me being gay made me (and is still making me), one of the least popular guys at our school. And the fact I joined Drama Club and Choir Club (which actually disbanded only two months after its establishement) didn‘t help a lot. So I never managed to find friends. Until Sam moved to Lima and transferred to our school. The stupid boy joined Synchronized Swimming because of some girl he liked and who was on the team. Of course it lead to him being slushied by a couple of jocks. By chance I was in the restroom in the same moment he went there to clean up which was also my reason for being there. We shared sympathetic smiles and I advised him on the best way to get the stains out of his clothes. Then we talked about the reasons why we were slushied and he actually didn‘t judge me, just said something like: "Bad for you, dude. I can quit the team but you got it worse.“ And I was happy to find someone like him, who makes no difference between straight guys and gay guys. That‘s how we became friends. Later we made a connection through music, though our tastes differed, but we learned a lot from each other. Sam would watch Rent with me and I would go to a football match with him. We also had some fun helping my dad with his cars. So it wasn‘t like we were friends out of desperation. No. I like Sam because he is himself and likes me back without predjudice. Of course I had a crush on him but it lasted only about two months. Besides he is painfully straight and I was helping him to get girls from time to time. End of story. 

~¤~

Sam picks me up at six thirty. The circus is set up on a meadow outside town so we have to go by car. My dad isn‘t even surprised we‘re going there because I was complaining a lot through those two years of our friendship how child-like Sam is. So I wave goodbye to him, and reconcile with my fate for tonight. Maybe it won‘t be so bad. Maybe there really will be some hot muscled guys (not that they are my type but looking never hurts). Sam is whistling happily and I avenge him by putting Madonna in the CD player. Though Rihanna would do better but I don‘t listen to her either. 

Since it was May, the sun hadn’t set yet so I can see the circus camp from a distance. There were a few trailers and a big tent, though not as big as I‘d expected. Grassless ground shows us where a parking lot is and we pull up there. The tent isn‘t far away or anything and we start walking there. 

"Stop bouncing.“

"I‘m not,“ Sam retorts and stops bouncing either unconciously or on purpose. I just sigh. My little brother Sam. 

Only a few people were outside and as expected they were families with children. It makes me roll my eyes. This will need greater revenge than Madonna‘s CD. Maybe Cabaret. Or some gay porn. 

The ticket office was an unsteady table outside the entrance to the tent with a smiling, Asian girl sitting at it. 

"Good evening, guys,“ she greets us with a wide smile and perfect accent. "Two adults, I presume?“ 

"Um, students,“ Sam gives her his I‘m-shy-guy smile which he thinks make girls sway. "I think we have a reservation? It‘s Evans.“

The girls pulls out a notepad and opens it. As she scans a page, she nods firmly. 

"Yes, it‘s here. So, students, it means… seven dollars from everyone,“ she raises her face and Sam is nodding, fishing his wallet from his jacket. Fourteen dollars? Sam must be really excited for this if he‘s willing to pay for me too. Indeed he pulls out the proper amount of money from his well-worn wallet and hands it to the girl with a light smile. 

"Thanks. Have fun, guys,“ she says and winks at us and I hope she doesn‘t think we‘re dating (like the rest of our school and my dad, though he wouldn‘t admit it but he still gives me that look after all those years I persuade him I don‘t go out with Sam, thank you very much). Sam tucks his wallet back in his jacket and gives me a wide grin which makes me roll my eyes again. Why did I agree? And more importantly how am I going to survive this? 

As expected the inside has a typical amphitheatre shape with simple benchs and the center circumscribed with railings and scattered with sand. So it‘ll be a typical lame circus for little children. I have to sigh dramatically. I like Sam, I really do, but I’m not sure if he’s worth a trauma.

We sit in the back row. If the tent was a clock, we‘d sit at nine o‘clock. So we have a pretty good view and no one sits in a row in front of us. The tent isn‘t full at all, but it‘s rather booked solid. There are either families with children or giggling straight couples. What. Am. I. Doing. Here. 

"The moment a clown shows up I‘m going to strangle you,“ I lean to Sam to whisper in his ear. He just shrugs. When did I lose my power over him? I can‘t do more than cross my legs, lace my fingers around my knee and set a bored expression on the center of the arena. It‘s not seven yet so the tent is still filling up. More daddies and mommies with kids. I‘m going to be sick. Oh, I have nothing against children, I like them and I hope I‘ll have mine someday – if I‘ll find some fine man to have them with. But whenever I see some so-called typical happy American family, I have to think willy-nilly what they probably think about me. Once I was on a date (which isn’t happening a lot and that one wasn’t a big succes either) with a guy I met at a music store and some mother said to her child not to come near us because we’re bad people. Now, judge me. 

Thankfully it seems it‘s time for the show to start. Lights go off and noise is quieting. I have to shift a bit nervously because I‘m worred what‘s coming first. Then there‘s a spotlight setting at some figure in the middle of the center. If I‘m not mistaken it‘s a guy and is he… is he wearing a violet military coat and top hat? I try not to laugh, covering my mouth with my hand. But then the man bows down and pulls off that hat and it‘s a mess of black curls. Then he lifts his face and although we‘re sitting so far I can still recognize his features and – he‘s gorgeous. Tanned skin, strong jaw and smiling full lips. Oh my, my gayness is screaming out loud. The man – young, can‘t be more than twenty five according to me – starts to speak and his husky voice is making me melt.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our extraordinary, yet hopefully entertaining circus. We‘re going to make you laugh, gape in awe and thrill for an hour of your life tonight. We hope you will have a good time and will come again. Because we‘re going to give you our best. Have a good time, Lima! We’re Cirque d’Arc-En-Ciel!“ Then he bows once again and then it‘s chaos of more spotlighs and fires and it takes me a moment to focus. There are about ten people in the arena, everyone holding two flaming torches. 

And Shakira starts to play. 

"Oh my God,“ I say without meaning to because it‘s Whenever Wherever and they‘re dancing, waving wildly but obviously profesionally with torches and there‘s that really tall guy who isn‘t dancing but standing in the center of the dancers and he‘s eating the fire. And it‘s really thrilling. Thrilling indeed. 

The audience is gasping, whooing, clapping and Sam is shouting loudly too. 

"They‘re fucking awesome!“ Sam yells and turns to me but I‘m too dumbfounded and Sam doesn‘t mind some mother is turning at him with frowned expression probably because of his language. The female dancers are singing a very good cover of the song and the dance is breathtaking. Definitely better than Shakira rolling over in the mud. And I can‘t help and start to clap too. Sam gives me a grin and I ignore him because I don‘t want to hear any "I told you so!“. I focus on the show and I‘m perfectly fine with it. 

The fireshow and dance is really stunning so I might feel little disappointed when it‘s over. About half of the audience gives them a standing ovation. Including me and Sam. Because they brought up Shakira to some weird level of art. 

We‘re sitting again waiting for what‘s next to come. I‘m not sure if I‘m surprised when a blonde dolly like girl rode in on a white horse. No surprise when she starts to ride around the center. But she‘s singing. It‘s a singing circus!

"She‘s beautiful,“ Sam leans to me and his mouth hungs open as he watches the girl intently.

"Don‘t drool on your t-shirt,“ I chuckle a bit but even I, being gayer than Justin Bieber‘s haircut, have to admit she‘s very pretty. No wonder Sam can‘t take his eyes from her. The girl is performing an impressive number like standing on the horse‘s back while he runs and other stuff I was never able to understand how it was done. And her version of Say A Little Prayer For You is awesome. The singing abillities of the circus‘s members are nowhere near ameteurish. 

"I want to marry her,“ Sam informs me when the girl is leaving the "stage“ with a bow. 

"I bet you do,“ I reply dryly while clapping lively. "But I‘m not sure if she‘ll want to too.“ 

"You spoil every fun,“ Sam grumbles and turns away from me. I can’t help it, I’m just too much sarcastic. 

Then there‘s this muscled tanned guy with only a leather vest covering his chest and a whip wrapped around his waist and with a tiger walking calmly by his side. What the hell?

"What do you think is the next song?“ Sam murmurs his question.

"When the Whip Comes Down?“ I made a face and we share a look before bursting in a giggling fit. Well, I‘m giggling, Sam‘s laughing out loud. I have to cover my mouth with my hands because we‘re so rude. 

"Hey there,“ the tamer adresses the audience, "I‘m Puck and this is my friend Tracy. Tracy is very obedient so I don‘t have to put her on a leash. She‘s harmless so don‘t be afraid. But she doesn‘t like noise so it‘ll be no music now. I ask you to keep your voices and clapping down so she won‘t be uncomfortable. We‘ll show you some numbers we put together.“

I thought I would be bored by a performance like that but I found it rather adorable though they didn‘t do anything special. It was obvious Puck wasn‘t lying – he would put his arm in Tracy‘s mouth and she would chew on it a little but only making it slobbery. When she put her big paws on his back in the end and tried to tuck her head under his arm I couldn‘t hold back my 'aw‘. The applause was lighter this time but I blame Puck‘s speech for it. Yes, it was rather a number for children but everyone can appreciate animals, right? 

My heart jumps a bit when I see the curly haired man in the military coat again. I hope he‘s as handsome as he seems from where I am sitting. 

"Hello again, ladies and gents,“ he greets with a big grin. "I’m Blaine and I‘m gonna entertain you with few magic numbers.“ Okay, the information he‘s a magician might bother me a little. You know, it’s not a profession you wish your daydream boyfriend would have. But whatever. It‘s not as if I‘ll ever get to talk to him anyway. 

I look at the pretty guy‘s face. It‘s really pretty. And he is kind of hilarous too. Some numbers are old-school and others more modern. Anyway I‘m not sure most of the time how does he do it. It seems so real. But maybe I am paying too much attention to his looks. I know I‘m being one-dimensional but try to blame a teenage gay and then the only gay in his little homophobic town. 

"Seems like you found something to look at too, huh?“ Sam teases me and I probably had it coming. I tend to be too obvious. And guys aren‘t exactly friendly when they notice. 

Magician’s number is over and me doesn‘t leave which rather surprises me. The Asian girl who sold us our tickets and some other tall Asian boy enter and they start to climb the ladder to get up to the tight ropes. 

"There are going to be ropewalkers next! I‘m so excited,“ Sam taps his foot impatiently. "Hey, your guy is holding a mic,“ he adds and nods towards the center of the tent and I follow his look. Oh my god, he‘s gonna sing…

"There is a fine line between recklessness and courage…“ 

"It‘s McCartney!“ I squeak excitedly because IT‘S MCCARTNEY. And holy crap if the boy doesn‘t have a gift from God. I don‘t care if I gape in awe because it‘s absolutely stunning. 

"So maybe he‘s gay,“ Sam chuckles and nudges me in the side. 

"Not everyone who likes McCartney is necessarily gay,“ I give him a death glare. How many more times do we have to go through this…

"Just sayin‘,“ he shrugs and watchs the ropewalkers instead. Oh, yes, ropewalkers. They are amazing too. Obviously they are real professionals. I envy them their balance and calmness. If someone would put me on such a rope I would freak out. But they seem to have no weight and things they‘re doing there make sometimes my stomach twist and the audience squeak. But they have a net under them anyway. And the magician guy keeps singing beautifully. My knees would buckle if I wasn’t sitting. But the song‘s not long enough. It‘s just when I start to clap, another song and another acrobatic choreography begins. This time it‘s something different, something familiar I‘ve heard recently on the radio…

"What‘s it?“ Sam frowns not recognizing the song. 

"I think… yeah, it‘s Katy Perry,“ I finally can say and have to giggle. 

"He‘s definitely gay,“ Sam decides and crosses his arms. I just sigh. 

Though a straight guy would probably never sing a song sang by a woman, especially if it‘s Katy Perry and if the lyrics contain stuff like "Boy, you‘re an alien, your touch so foreign, it‘s supernatural". Maybe Sam is right. One never knows. And people from a circus can‘t be narrow-minded. Or so I think.

When the song is over I‘m clapping so hard my palms hurt and the singing magician announces there‘ll be acrobats next and that we‘re a lovely audience. I was already developing a crush on the gorgeous magician who can sing and dance the way it makes my blood rush. God, why I always fall for everyone so easily? Maybe it‘s good there were no other gays in Lima otherwise they would take advantage of me all the time. I‘d have to be more careful when I‘ll be in New York. 

Once again the lights go off and on as music starts to play. And I swear somebody wants to cause me a heart attack because this time it‘s Gaga. The girls who sang Shakira so well are making great work here. Not mentioning the dance and all those acrobatic numbers and my heart can‘t decide if to stop beating or to explode. I feel such a weird kind of happiness and joy it makes me literally ache. But it feels good, so good, I haven‘t felt so lightheaded and happy for a long time. It‘s this feeling like you‘re in a different kind of world, in a different dimension where you don‘t exist and yet you do the same and nothing can go wrong, nothing can touch you. There‘s no bullies, no sadness, no loneliness, no anger. Just music, just dance, just adrenaline. And my soul sinks in it.

The surreal sensation ends with song and I‘m back on Earth. But I don‘t feel compact. I think I can say I‘m in shock. Still I applaud and shout unconciously. I hardly realize Sam‘s doing the same and is saying something to me. 

The comeback to reality always hurts so much.

~¤~

I‘m lying on my bed and can‘t get to sleep. I don‘t even feel tired. My mind is buzzing with everything that happened today. I feel like I’m on drugs although I can’t really know since I’ve never tried them. On our way back home I barely spoke to Sam, just nodding and ‚uh-huh‘-ing to his excited babble. Sincerely I didn‘t expect anything from tonight other than boredom and a waste of time. But here I am, all shook up and sleepless. I think I left part of me in the circus. Certainly it feels so. Though I‘m not sure how it‘s possible. Why do I feel like that? The circus made me feel disctracted from my daily troubles, made me feel happy. I don‘t get it but I don‘t really care too much. In these days – in fact in the last three years – I have to put so much effort into being okay, not to break down with everything that brings me down. Might be the reason why I cling so desperately to things that cheer me up. Music. Sam. Dad. Musicals. Theatre. I don‘t really have anything besides that. 

I don‘t think I‘m getting any sleep tonight.