When you´re a boy plenty of things are expected from you. That you´ll be strong. That you´ll be brave. That you´ll have deep voice and biceps. That you´ll get a girl. That you´ll love Linkin Park and The Rolling Stones. That you´ll wear denim. That you´ll be interested in cars and army. That you´ll want to be a pilot or a cosmonaut. That you´ll love straight porn. That you´ll love being a boy. 

Except if you´re different. Because being boy doesn´t necessarily mean your life will be easy. 

Kurt knows it. He is perfectly aware of being boy, being the only son of his widower father. And he is perfectly aware of things that are expected from him. But he doesn´t like it. It´s upsetting that someone wrote the scenario of your life before you were even born. If you´re strong enough you can change it, rewrite it, screw those who thought it out for you. However, it´s not easy. It depends on you if you have enough strength. And Kurt Hummel doesn´t.

He hates his life but still can´t bring himself to do anything about it. Simply because of his cowardice. One can´t blame him. He just wants to survive high school. High school is everybody´s nightmare especially if you´re from small town, which Lima certainly is. And Kurt wants to get out of it with unbroken bones and pride. Though he can´t really be proud of himself. 

Kurt knew he was gay since he was eleven. He always knew he just didn´t really realize it until then. You don´t understand things like that when you´re a child. The realization came at swimming course in the fifth grade of elementary school when he was rather fascinated by boys´s almost naked bodies and little bulges in their swimwears than Mrs. Robinson´s (their Swimming Teacher) imposing chest. And Kurt wasn´t shocked though he was little scared. Who wouldn´t be. With years he learned more about what it meant and he wasn´t ashamed. But he never considered it would lead in him into trouble.

Then there was middle school, and that´s where the bullying started. At first it was just silly remarks and giggles everytime he spoke. Having a high-pitched voice didn´t help a lot. Afterwards older boys were picking on him, shoving their elbows into his ribs or hiding his schoolbag, or throwing his stuff in bins. Kurt would yell at them for it, only getting more and more mockery from them. He could take that, though it was unnerving and painful and humiliating. Until eighth grade. The same guys who gave him those troubles stuffed and locked him into his locker saying he should stay in closet though they couldn´t know Kurt was really gay. Since it happened after football practice, no one was still there and Kurt spent night in there. During those fourteen hours Kurt decided he wouldn't come out until he left Lima. 

Although those guys got expelled afterwards, Kurt was too terrified to change his mind. No. He´ll pretend he is straight. He´ll wear denim and plain t-shirts and leather jackets and he´ll break few girls hearts by dating them. He´ll join football team and ignore all of his feelings. He´ll secretly watch gay porn and when he´ll go to college in New York he won´t ever return or look back. 

That was Kurt´s plan, and so far it was going well. Since his freshman year he did the best to be perfect straight guy every father wanted. He joined football team as the kicker. When he got injured in sophomore year he quit. It wasn´t too serious, but Kurt truly hated his football teammates as much as they disliked him. But they respected him. If anyone dared to make fun of him it didn´t last long. As the football player he got popular among girls almost instantly. Just in two years he dated about eleven girls. When Brittany S. Pierce took his virginity no one had any doubts about his sexuality. And he dated Quinn Fabray for two weeks though he still wasn´t sure how that happened. She made him join celibacy club which he was grateful for because he hadn´t have to sleep with girls anymore. But then Quinn got pregnant and celibacy club dissolved. 

Practically by accident he joined cheerleaders when Sue Sylvester was looking for substitute for Quinn. Kurt didn't think it could make him as popular as it did. Cheerleaders loved him even more, except Santana who kind of hated him but still would be his best frennemy. Then Coach Sylvester made them – he, Santana and Brittany – join glee club so they could spy for her. Glee club was kind of short of popularity but Kurt´s reputation wasn´t hurt by it, and he secretly loved being there. He wasn´t auditioning for solos as much as he would like to, but it was fun even so. Other members didn´t like him much, but he could live with it.

His life went like this, boring, annoying, hated. It was half way through junior year so it meant only one year and half until the high school will be over and Kurt will be literally free. But it was still long way to survive. 

Nobody suspected him for being gay for long time now. But once he goes to dance club with Santana and Brittany and that´s where his confidence is shaken a bit. Girls are dancing with each other, provoking all males in crowd as well as Kurt but for different reason. Meanwhile he sits at bar he is approached by this guy. He´s older than him, probably college student or just started to work and he is gorgeous. Tanned skin, wildly curly hair, fine but decent muscles and bright hazelnut eyes. In different dimension, or different town, or in different time Kurt would be intrigued, well, he would be fucking happy but not here. Not now. Guy starts to chat with him and soon he offers to buy him drink, smiling sweetly at him. 

"Sorry, dude, I´m not into this,“ Kurt informs him, though he never hated his choice to hide in closet more than now. 

"Really? Not trying to offend you, but I´m never wrong,“ the guy grins, but there isn´t anything mean about it. He is just surprised and obviously likes Kurt too much to get waved off so easily. 

"Well, everything has first time,“ Kurt says sharply and takes a swig from his beer. 

"True,“ the guy´s eyes sparkle a bit but he´s not sleezy or anything. He doesn´t push anymore but he fishes for something in his satchel until he finds piece of paper and a pen. Then he scribbles something on it and hands it to Kurt. 

"If you change your mind,“ he shrugs simply and winks at Kurt before disappearing in crowd again. There´s name and telephone number on the paper. Despite everything tells Kurt to throw it away, he keeps it. 

                                                 <ß>

Kurt hated Valentine´s Day and for reason. If he could he would forbid the day because it only made him sick and angry for having such piece of shit life. This year Mr. Shuester chose the week in the middle of February for serenading love songs, the word Love written harshly over board. Their assignement was to pick a song that described their point of view of love or their experience or what it meant to them. Whatever, but it had to be personal. And it only added one more reason to Kurt´s list of reasons he didn't like Mr. Shue. Well, at least he hated Mr. Shue´s way of thinking when it came to songs. 

At first Kurt refused to participe in this week assignement. No one could make him sing in front of eleven people what love meant for him. No one but Rachel Berry. When she sang theatrical and sickly sweet version of Maybe This Time from Cabaret he couldn´t take it anymore. So he stood up and without commenting it he went to sing You´ve Got To Hide Your Love Away by The Beatles. It was kind of risky, but nobody got it right. Whole glee club thought then that Kurt´s in love with some girl who doesn´t return his feelings. And Kurt left it at it pleasantly not saying anything. 

That day Mercedes approached him after lunch. They went along well, they were even friends. Mercedes wasn´t exactly popular but she was well-liked by the most of the school. And to Kurt´s surprise she asked if the song he sang was about her. She said he was looking at her all way through the song (he was looking at the empty chair between her and Mike Chang but he didn´t comment). Because Kurt thought it wouldn´t do any harm he agreed in the end. He thought Mercedes will be sorry and spread the rumour so his straight status would be updated. But no. She had to confess she likes him too, and if he would like to date her? So he caught in his own trap. And because he panicked he agreed. 

But then giving it second thought it wasn´t the best idea. Kurt never felt really guilty about dating those girls because they didn´t like him too – they wouldn´t date him if he wasn´t football player or cheerleader. They were using him too that´s why those relationships didn´t last long and never get any further. But Mercedes was different. First she was his friend and then she really liked him. That´s what she´s said. And Kurt knew Mercedes enough to know how nice, honest and fragile she is. He felt bad, really bad but he was afraid, too. Yes, he should never agree to her proposal to date. But Kurt was the most scared kid in their school. 

He had to stop this relationship. But it wasn´t that easy. Kurt will have to explain why he lied to her and he didn´t feel like telling the true although it´d be the best. In fact, Kurt didn´t know what to do. He was confused and felt like all those years of hard work, of building his heterosexual self and popularity were quickly fading away. Now he would use some friends because he didn´t have any, no. Santana and Brittany were hardly ones. And Mercedes… 

For first time in long time Kurt cried. If he had someone to tell him what to do… to understand him – but who would? Maybe his dad but his dad didn´t even know he is gay so there was no way he would talk to him. Besides he wasn´t home that evening. For some reason, Kurt remembered the guy from dance club who wanted to buy him drink. Maybe he wouldn´t help him, but he was gay and so might know better what to do. So he dialed the number the guy left him. 

"Blaine?“ Kurt read the name on the wrinkly paper. "Do you remember me? We met few weeks ago. Kurt if you know…“

"Yeah, I remember. The voice is unforgettable. Are you alright? You sound…“

Kurt was aware he was still sobbing. "No, I´m not.“

"Okay… How can I help you?“

"I need to talk to someone like you and since I don´t know anyone else…“

"Like me? Oh, right. Fine. Do you want, um, meet?“

"Please.“

"Now?“

"Yeah.“

"Okay. You´re from Lima, right? I can be there in two hours.“

"You´re not living here?“

"Not now. I´m from Columbus.“

"Oh. Well, I can drive there.“

"You sure? Will you be alright?“

"Yeah. Driving calms me down. And I´m great driver.“

"Fine. Where do you want to meet? I guess you want to talk…“

"Yes, I do.“

"I know this fine jazz club in Westerville. It´s calm and usually empty enough. Beside there´s good music… It´s called Black Cat.“

"Sounds good. I put it on my GPS.“

"Ok, well… see you there in… hour and half?“

"Guess so. See you.“

And so Kurt dressed in his casual clothes which weren´t his style at all and sat in his car his dad gave him as a gift for his sixteen years birthday. He put some music on and typed the name of bar in the GPS. He was really glad he can talk to someone. Because he didn´t talk to anybody for seventeen years. It was about time to start finally.