On their second date, Kurt as more reserved and distant. The performance he and Adam went to was just as riveting, if not more so, than the last one, but he kept finding himself daydreaming about looking to his side and seeing Blaine with him instead of Adam. Each time he did that, he involuntarily shuddered, trying to bring himself back into reality and enjoy what was going on in front of him.

It didn't help that Adam had been not-so-subtlety pressing his leg against Kurt's, or that Adam's hand had brushed against his on more than one occasion. Instead of feeling bashful with the contact, like he might have last week on their first date, he instead felt sick with guilt, like he was cheating.

"Well, did that one not meet your fancy as much as the last one?" Adam queried as they walked out of the hall, having clearly picked up on Kurt's mood, not that it was hard to miss.

Kurt had his hands in the pockets of his trousers, one of which was fingering the ring which he carried with him everywhere now, unsure of what to do with it. He offered Adam a forced smile, "Oh... It was great. I just had a lot of my mind recently and was distracted."

Adam smiled to Kurt, the same soft, sweet smile he always gave him. A hand found its way to the small of Kurt's back, and despite being placed there by Adam in support and affection, Kurt only felt sickened by the touch.

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Kurt shook his head, pulling away from the hand and not missing the look of hurt that flashed through Adam's eyes as he did.

"Sorry Adam... I'm just... " he sighed. What was he exactly? How could he possibly explain this to the man beside him who had been nothing but perfect to Kurt?

"There's someone else isn't there?" Adam spoke calmly, looking at Kurt intently as he did. Kurt's head snapped towards Adam, wondering how easy he must be to read if he had figured that out.

Kurt nodded and then stumbled on his words as he tried to explain. "It's over... But..."

"You still love him, don't you?"

Kurt paled a little, and then nodded again. "I wish I didn't... I've been trying not to..." He rolled the ring over with his fingers, warming the parts that were cool little by little.

Adam nodded solemnly, continuing to walk in relative silence with Kurt until, after a couple blocks, he opted for a change in subject.

"I'm leaving in a week. I'll be back in another couple months if all goes well, but... with having my own ship and the amount of trade going on right now..."

Kurt let out a soft sigh and nodded, looking towards Adam, "So..."

"So I think you need to figure out what... and who you want before I get back. I like you Kurt. I really do, but if we do this... thing." He gestured between them both. "Then I shouldn't have to worry if your thoughts are on someone else."

"I understand that. I'm sorry." Kurt replied, his shoulders sagging. This shouldn't be happening. He had found a perfect partner which he had right here, right now, and Blaine was hanging over him with all his damned imperfections. He tried to think of all the reasons that he shouldn't be with Blaine.

He snores too much.
He drinks too much.
He doesn't talk about himself.
He never talks about his feelings.
He makes that squinched up face when he doesn't like something.
He eats too many beans and I have to suffer the consequences.
He leaves piles of clothing around to get wrinkled.
He refuses to let me tailor his briefs when they start getting holes in them.
He's always poking his tongue into the space where he lost teeth.

If that was all that went through Kurt's head, he would have been alright and could have told Adam then and there that he was through with Blaine. That Blaine didn't matter and he could put his whole heart into this new relationship, but Kurt's brain and his heart wasn't working together on this matter because every time Kurt's brain thought of one of things that annoyed him about Blaine, his heart supplied him with a reason he loved Blaine.

He snores too much. - But he has such a sweet whimper when he sleeps too.
He drinks too much. - But he said he's stopped.
He doesn't talk about himself. - But he always asks how I am.
He never talks about his feelings. - But I always feel loved with him.
He makes that squinched up face when he doesn't like something. - Which is also damned cute.
He eats too many beans and I have to suffer the consequences. - But I probably shouldn't giggle like a little boy when he does it.
He leaves piles of clothing around to get wrinkled. - But only because he's too eager to get naked with me.
He refuses to let me tailor his briefs when they start getting holes in them. - He doesn't want me to have to worry about him.
He's always poking his tongue into the space where he lost teeth. - But he lost those teeth fighting to save me.

And then, his heart kept supplying reasons even though his brain had seemingly given up.

He holds me close at night.
He's adorable with children.
He rubs my shoulders when I'm stressed.
He smells like coffee and herbs.
He's good with animals.
He's patient with me.
He cuts all the fat away from my meat.
He makes sure I'm covered up at night.
He knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
He'll listen to me go on forever about nothing.
He does everything he can to make me happy.
He thinks of me as his husband...
I love him.

"I'm sorry Adam... I can't be the person you want. I would love to keep being your friend, but I can't be anything more than that." Kurt finally acknowledged, looking up at Adam while the hand in his pocket worked to slide the ring onto his finger stealthily.

Adam looked down, and then nodded, "Thank you. For being honest with me."

"I really do like you Adam... honestly. You're the man I've been dreaming about since I knew what I wanted..."

Adam cut in, "But it's what you didn't realize you wanted that has your heart."

Kurt was stilled to silence by that. Yes. That was exactly it.

"It's fine Kurt. I'm a big boy." Adam gave him a weak smile and hailed for a carriage as one could be seen coming down the street, pulling in beside the pair.

"I hope to see you again Kurt... as friends." Adam said, sweeping a hand to the inside of the carriage for Kurt to climb aboard, which he did, giving Adam a thankful small smile.

As Kurt leaned back in the carriage, looking up to the night sky, empty of stars with all the lights from New York hiding them, he wondered what Blaine was looking at right now.

As it turned out, Isabelle was a goddess.

Alright, maybe nothing so dramatic, but she was pretty amazing. Without giving her a lot of details, she agreed to rehire Kurt if he ever returned, and in the meantime, she accepted his resignation with a hug and told him to take care of himself.

Now he was back in Lima, having just gotten off the train and waiting for his dad to pick him up. Only a few others had gotten off at this stop and they had already left on their own or by pick-up. He was the only one left at the station. The train had gotten there early, leaving him sitting on a bench at the station and surveying the town where he had spent so much time and which had been the source of so much stress.

Yet, despite the trauma he had experience in Lima, he didn't feel afraid here, at least not anymore. He didn't feel like he was walking on eggshells when he was here anymore, and wasn't worried about who might jump out from around a corner.

Until of course, someone did.

"Ladyface!" Santana yelled, jumping around the corner of the station and causing Kurt's heart rate to go up momentarily as he jumped in his seat. "I thought that was you I saw!" She exclaimed, rushing over to him.

Kurt laughed and stood up, embracing the sassy latina. "Santana. I've missed you. How are you?"

Santana hugged him back and then pulled away, "I am just fabulous. Busy, but fabulous. What about you though? You look like you need to eat more, and what on earth are you wearing? Is this what qualifies as fashion these days?"

Kurt looked down at himself in bewilderment. Really, after New York living, this was one of his tamer outfits. He decided not to engage in that particular conversation though since there was so much more he wanted to hear about.

"How is Quinn? And Brittany? And have you seen anyone else?"

"Quinn is Quinn, Brittany is gorgeous, and I see lots of people everyday, most who would never admit they've seen me." She winked, referring to being at the brothel.

Kurt rolled his eyes in return and they both laughed. Before he knew it, they were both sitting on the bench, bodies turned to one another as they talked about the past, the people they knew, and Santana caught him up on all the local gossip.

Finally, Santana asked him the question he was dreading.

"So where's your little half blood boy toy?"

Kurt winced and looked down, "I left him."

"Are you insane?!" Santana spat, poking an accusatory finger into Kurt's chest, "That boy is like you. How many guys like that are you going to find in this lifetime?"

Kurt smirked a little, looking up at Santana, "I found at least one other in New York."

Santana balked a little, "And let me guess. You left him too? You want to be alone your whole life?"

"Santana, is that why you're with Brittany? Because you think if you don't take the opportunity on the only other person like you, you'll end up alone?"

Santana flushed and turned her head away, "No..."

"No one should have to settle being with someone they don't care for just because they're afraid of being alone."

Santana looked back to him, frowning, "Brittany is loving, and beautiful, and brilliant in her own unique way, and she loves me back."

Kurt nodded, "You're with her because you love her and care for her."

Santana nodded back, "Yes... of course. And you... you didn't?"

Kurt pressed his lips together, sighing through his nose. He shook his head, "It's... complicated."

"So... you did then?" Santana's eyes narrowed as she looked at him trying to draw out a real answer.

Kurt nodded to that, "And... I still love Blaine. It just wasn't working out..."

"So you make it work out." Santana said, as if it was as simple as all that.

"He wasn't being honest with me."

"Because he was being malicious or because he wanted to spare you from worry?" Santana pressed on, cutting in before Kurt could respond, "Because you do that you know - worry too much that is."

Kurt rolled his eyes. Worrying was almost synonymous with who he was, and Santana had always given him grief over it. "He hid his drinking and his past from me."

Santana left out a huff of air, a mocking sound, "So what? Unless he was the one that sicced Karofsky on you, I can't see how bad his past could be, and he's part indian... of course he drinks."

"Well that's just damned racist Santana, especially for someone who gets confused with a native all the time." Kurt grumbled back.

Santana shrugged, "And I just tell everyone I tan well. Don't deflect."

Kurt sighed, "Anyhow... I came back... because I realised I do love him... enough to try and work things out..."

Santana nodded, "So where is he?"

"I'm hoping he's still at the Cheyenne village I left him at... west of here about a week or so away."

Santana makes a small choking sound and Kurt saw her tense, fingers clutched deep into her palms.

"What Santana?"

"Cholera... The news from the west says cholera has spread through the native populations and killed off about half of them out there..."

Kurt's breath hitched, and he paled.

"They said the Cheyenne are one of the infected groups..."

"Oh god..." Kurt stood up and looked down the road, hoping his father was in sight. He more than ever needed to move now. He needed to know. He needed to leave as soon as possible.

"Kurt... "

"I need to get back to my ranch and get my horse Santana. I need to know if he's alright."

Thankfully he saw his dad approaching in the distance, and, giving Santana a quick hug goodbye, grabbed his luggage and ran towards the wagon coming down the street.

"Dad!" He threw his bag into the wagon and jumped into the seat beside his father before the horses had even come to a stop. "Get back to the ranch! Quickly!"

Burt looked over at Kurt, but got the horses turned around and gave the command for them to run without question. Santana and Kurt waved to one another and Kurt braced himself on the seat, preparing for a rough ride.

"She must have told you hmm?" Burt asked as they passed the limits of the city.

Kurt nodded. "I need to go. I need to know..."

Burt nodded in agreement, "I have your horse all saddled up already and Carole got you food prepared... I figured that's what you'd want to do when we told you... but looks like she beat us to the punch."

"Dad... you're not even worried about me going out?" Kurt asked in surprise.

Burt laughed at that, "'course I am, but it's not like I've ever been able to stop you from doing what you damn well please. I may as well make sure you're alright for the trip."

Kurt weakly grinned and held onto the edge of the seat for dear life. Thank goodness he had refused dinner service on the train because there was no way it was going to stay down for the ride.

Riding had been as rough as Kurt had remembered, worse even since his rear had gotten used to not having to do it in New York, but he didn't let up as he rode Kikife through the expanses of wilderness, occasionally broken up by small towns and farmlands. It was Kikife who decided when they needed to stop, being too exhausted or hungry to continue, though the stallion seemed to share Kurt's desire to find Blaine... or at least reunite with Ominitago.

In every town they passed through, Kurt would listen for any news, discovering that whole villages had been obliterated by the cholera. The information had made him sick to his stomach, which thankfully meant his rations lasted him longer than intended. He didn't even bother with fires when he slept, which lasted only as long as Kikife needed rest for.

He would need to reshoe Kikife after this.

It had only been six days when he entered the familiar territory, slowing Kikife to a trot as he saw the smoke in the distance. The breath stilled in his throat and he felt the calm wash over him. From this distance, things looked alright, and if things were alright, soon he would be back with Blaine.

But as Kurt got closer to the village, he saw that tipi's were missing from the cluster. It looked a lot less populated with gaps in the group. Closer yet he heard crying, but not the cries from chants, but the wailing of children and women.

He stopped Kikife and slid off him, leading the horse into what was left of the village as panic set in his heart. The smoke he had seen in the distance... it was a funeral pyre.

Kurt stopped completely, looking at the burning bodies on the platform and feeling the bile rise in his throat.

"You have returned..."

Kurt looked to his side, seeing Pale Crow there. The man had lose weight and had scars healing on his chest. His usually proud face looked defeated and weakened.

"I had to find Leaning Bear."

Pale Crow frowned and shook his head, causing Kurt to make a yelp of pain. He fell to his knees and whimpered, feeling the pain washing over him.