“WaaaAAAhhh!”

Kurt groaned and rolled himself out of bed, trudging towards K.J.'s room and wondering, yet again, why he didn't just move a cot into his son's room instead of suffering through this walk every night, at least twice a night, and even more lately.

He plucked the boy, who was sitting up and reaching out to Kurt as soon as he saw him, big crocodile tears coursing down his cheeks, out of the crib and went to sit in the well used rocking chair by the window.  “Come on buddy.  You have to learn to sleep through the night sometime…”

“Mmmm…. buh!”

Kurt rolled his eyes, “Mmm buh to you too.  Snuggle up and fall back asleep.”

“Buh! Buh!”

Kurt groaned and let his head tip back over the edge of the chair, “I don't know what you want!”

“BUH!”

“Kurt honey, do you need a hand?” Carole peaked in.

“I just… he's woken up every hour for the past few nights… and I can't get him back down…”  Kurt caved.  He had been putting up a strong front until this point, but he couldn't figure out what K.J. needed and it was driving him mad.  His eyes stung from his lack of sleep and his eardrums seemed to be ringing with perpetual crying.

Carole came over and scooped K.J. up into her arms and away from Kurt, “Hey there little one… Grandma's got you… what's going on?”

“Buh!”

“He keeps saying that… I don't know what buh means…”

“Probably just a sound he's working on learning…”  She hummed and set him on the change table, checking him over thoroughly, “No rash… but his stomach does look a little swollen.  Let's see the doctor tomorrow.”

Kurt nodded, looking blearily over, “Thanks Carole…  You think he's okay?”

“Oh yeah sweetie.  Could be anything but probably excess gas or some constipation.  Pretty normal in babies.  Finn always had the first issue.”  She smiled, despite her words, and looked vacantly off into the distance for a moment before remembering herself and looked back towards Kurt, “You sleep.  I'll try and soothe him.”

“It's okay Carole… I can - “

“Stop it.  Stop trying to be a superdad.  When I had Finn I would have given anything for his dad to be there to help me.  Raising a child is not meant to be a one person thing even though lots of people have to tough it out through that.  Your dad and mom were lucky to have one another and you're lucky to have me and your dad.  Take advantage of it.  It takes a village to raise a child Kurt, whether you have something to prove or not.”

Her words weren't meant to be so harsh, but it felt like a slap in the face to Kurt who pressed his lips together and skulked back to his room wordlessly.  Like he had so many nights for the past month, he grabbed a shirt that his dad had forgotten to pack for Blaine and held it close to him.  If raising a child was a two parent thing, no wonder Quinn had failed at it… and now he couldn't even figure out that his son had a stomachache because he was so inept…. why couldn't Blaine have wanted a kid?  He had taken such good care of Kurt… why not a kid?  Was the transition really so hard?

Well, at least Kurt didn't wear diapers.

Every day seemed more difficult.  Every day he seemed lonelier.  Sure, he always had K.J., but being with a baby wasn't really being with someone you could talk to and laugh with and share deep thoughts.  He missed that.  Missed Blaine… and Wes for that matter.  

He still talked to Wes, getting occasional updates and conversing a little bit too readily, wishing he had more to tell Wes than he did because the conversations always ended too quickly for his liking.  The only time he really got to see someone on the same level as him was when he went to visit Quinn - and that could only happen once a week.

Kurt had even tried to make new friends by going down to the park during the day and talking idly with all the other moms there with their kids - but he stopped as soon as he got the same reaction a few times.  They all thought he was an older brother to K.J…. and then when they found out, they all gave him a look that clearly told Kurt they didn't approve.

Fuck them.

There had been a few days, when Burt was in Washington and Carole had gone out for a public event that Kurt had broken down and snuck in a cigarette.  He needed something to calm his frayed nerves and wasn't getting it anywhere else.  He made sure to do it by the window and away from K.J., but felt guilty nonetheless.  Everything he had read said smoking by a child was terrible, but he needed something.  Was this how Quinn had felt?  No… she had probably felt worse.  At least Kurt had a roof over his head and food in the kitchen - all taken care of by his dad and Carole.  He didn't have to worry about buying diapers or formula, and he even had been bought a car with a good safety rating that his dad had equipped with a top of the line baby seat so he could get around.  

To where though?  Kurt didn't have friends out here.  If the women at the park were any indication, he didn't want to start K.J. in any swim or play classes and have to suffer through meeting other judgemental parents in the community.  He supposed it would be nice if there were an emergency and he needed to get K.J. to the hospital, but aside from that, it was pretty useless.

“Do you think dads can get postpartum depression?” He asked aimlessly one day, watching K.J. play with some of his blocks on the floor, trying to shove them through a circular hole on another toy.

“Ppppppptttttthhhh!” was his son's response, complete with raspberry tongue action.

Kurt sighed, “Well… at least you're honest.”

It wasn't that he didn't love the kid and didn't want to spend the time with him.  He just thought it would have been different… but now that he had had K.J. for over two months, he realized that raising a child wasn't all sunshine and roses, dolling him up in cute outfits and singing lullabies and and taking cute pictures, even though Kurt did all those things, it was also lots of spit-up and up-the-back poops that came out of nowhere, random crying fits that he could never figure out, and absolute tedium.  

When it came time for him to register in the courses he wanted, Kurt had never been so overjoyed.  Finally, something intellectual to do!  He spent more time deciding over courses than was expressly necessary, but because he had nothing else to do, it allowed him to eat up at least a day.

He had also never been through so many books.

Kurt got a bit of reprieve when his dad was home from his Washington trips, since Burt had taken to K.J. like a fat kid on an ice cream cone, and insisted on K.J. watching sports with him even though Kurt didn't like the idea of K.J. watching too much television at such a developmentally important time. But it was important to Burt and Kurt had suffered through the same torture when he was a baby and turned out fine… mostly… so he didn't worry too hard over it.  

Kurt: Hey Wes.

Wes: Hey Kurt.  What's up?

Kurt: Why were the elephants asked to leave the swimming pool?

Wes: Uh?  Is this some kind of joke?

Kurt: Because they wouldn't pull up their trunks!

Wes: Seriously man?  This is what you have to text me?

Kurt: Well I don't see you sending me anything better.

Wes: That's because I honestly don't know how to respond to the insane number of baby pictures you send me.  I get it.  You have an adorable son.

Kurt: You don't want me to send you any?

Wes: No.  In fact Rachel can't get enough of them.

Kurt: Does she still think she's K.J.'s aunt?

Wes: Oh she doesn't think it, she knows it.  I dare you to convince her otherwise.

Kurt: She's not even my sister… ugh.  

Wes: Yeah.  She doesn't care that she's not blood related.

Kurt: People can't just decide to be related to my son.

Wes: Why not?  I'm his asian uncle after all.

Kurt: You're different.

Wes: Why?  Because I'm adorable?

Kurt: Because you're tolerable.

Wes: You wound me sir.

Kurt: GTG.  K.J.'s trying to make a break for it.

Text exchanges like that because Kurt's only lifeline to the world, and he only had Wes to share them with.  He had thought about calling Shelby but that would have been too hard.  She had been a parent to him when he hadn't been willing to seek out his own yet and he missed her almost as much as he missed Blaine.  She really would have been a fantastic mother to K.J.

But that would have first meant that Blaine would have had to be willing to be a dad.

The doctor gave K.J. the okay, telling Kurt to make sure he fed him more veggies and less starch since the problem was that he was a bit backed up which was causing him to hold in his gas.  Easier said than done, Kurt thought to himself, as much as he tried to get K.J. to eat his vegetables there was always more on the floor, his face, and Kurt than ever got into him.  

“At least the worst of his teething is done.”  The over-cheerful doctor offered, inspecting K.J.'s mouth despite the boy wriggling and wailing in his face.

“Oh yah.  Fabulous.” Kurt rolled his eyes.  It was just one issue traded out for another.

“And how's daddy doing?” The doctor looked over at Kurt and he instantly tensed up, feeling the need to be defensive.

“Fine.  Just fine.”

“When was the last time you had a full night's sleep?”

Kurt cringed, “I'm fine.”

“Do you have help with him at home?”

Kurt nodded quickly.  In theory he did, though letting Carole help last night was the first time he'd truly taken advantage of it.

“Well don't stress yourself out too much.  Babies, and kids for that matter, feed off your emotions.  If you're stressed, they'll be stressed.”

Well that was fucking great.  So because he felt lonely, depressed, cranky, and borderline meant that K.J. was too.  What a great fucking parent he was turning out to be.

“You still taking your medicine?”

Kurt nodded.  He had kept up with his anti-depressants, if only out of fear of just how miserable he'd be without them given how terrible he felt lately.  

“Okay… well… let me know if I can help you out with anything.”

“Sure thing doc.”

He couldn't leave fast enough, buckling his wiggling child into the carseat which took about ten minutes worth of effort alone.  He was not looking to winter when he would not only have to get him into this seat but have to put outerwear on him too.  Diapers were a challenge enough.

Kurt wished he knew when this phase would end, if it really was a phase, just so he had something to count down towards, something to look forward too, but in the meantime he was stuck in what felt like a dark hole, with no one to reach out to and no one around him and no way that he could see out.