“Are you sure you don't want me to watch over him sweetie?  You look like you need a break.”

Carole was in the doorway to K.J.'s room, looking over at where Kurt had the little boy huddled against him sleeping in his arms.  He probably could have moved him into his crib at this point, but Kurt wouldn't be getting any sleep anyhow so he figured he'd keep holding onto his boy, keep his focus, and stop himself from sobbing any more than he already had into his pillow.

“I'm fine Carole.  Go to sleep.”

She hesitated, but then gave him a nod and walked off, leaving Kurt alone again with his son and his thoughts.

A week had gone by and he didn't hurt any less than he did on that train platform seeing Blaine off.  He thought it would've been easier, especially since Blaine had been pulling away more and more and aside from the fact that they shared a bed up until that point, they hadn't really been connecting anymore.  No conversations, no shared laughs, no secretive smiles across the room.  Nothing.  What was more was that Kurt recognized that Blaine's discomfort with K.J. wasn't merely a phase, a transition as he got accustomed to the baby.  No, Blaine avoided the baby.  He didn't try talking with him, never changed or fed him, and the only time he held him was when Kurt basically thrust K.J. into his arms so he could grab something, always looking at odds with it too.  

Whatever Kurt's life had been until K.J. was done.  Babies truly did ruin what life you had…

But you got a new life in return.

Kurt, who had been taken care of by the government and Blaine until recently, now had a chance to pay it back.  Prove to everyone that he was capable and had changed for the better through raising K.J.  The boy might have been an accident, but he was the best possible thing that could have come out of that hell Kurt had survived.  

Slowly but surely, K.J. was beginning to recognize Kurt as someone more than just another cog in his transitions from home to home to home.  He would reach for Kurt when Kurt entered the room, and had begun to babble directly to Kurt instead of to nothing at all.  

They had also gone to visit Quinn, who had been able to hold and hug K.J. for a whole minute before the stupid rules of the jail dictated that she give him back to Kurt.  Kurt was still upset with her, not just for not being open with him in the first place, but also about causing trauma in their son's life, but he wasn't going to deny his son his mother out of his own anger.  Plus, try as he might, Kurt still worried over Quinn and wanted her to know that no matter what, she'd have someone in the world.

“Puck was by too… with Beth.” Quinn told him, a smile crossing her delicate features as she spoke towards K.J. even though she was informing Kurt.

“First time he's been by here?”

Quinn nodded, “Yeah…  She's grown so much…. so perfect… they both are…”

Kurt sighed, hugging K.J. a little tighter, “Quinn, what are you going to do when you're out of here?”

She glanced down momentarily at her hands which she was rubbing together nervously now, “I don't know Kurt…  I really don't…. maybe get my tubes tied.  It's clear I can't take care of my own kids…”

“Huh!” Kurt huffed in a stunted laugh.  He caught himself though.  As truthful as Quinn was being with herself - it was kind of funny at the same time.

“I guess I'll see when it happens.  Right now I'm just trying to get by day to day.”

“I get that.”

Kurt did.  It wasn't that long ago that he was doing the same.  He still remembered having an epiphany when his thoughts started moving towards thinking to the future.  It had been a big step, and one that had to happen naturally.  No one could force a mindset to change until it was ready to.

Which was why he had taken Blaine to the train that day.  Blaine wasn't ready to be a dad, and Kurt wasn't going to push him to be.

So his nights were filled with sleeplessness, tears, constant hankerings for a cigarette to dull his senses with, and cuddling K.J. back to sleep when he woke up with teething pains.  In fact, had it not been for snuggling with his son, Kurt wouldn't have gotten any sleep.  A warm body against him helped Kurt relax to the point where he could drift off in the rocking chair and get in a few hours here and there.

In fact, it was pretty much thanks to K.J. that he could function at all now that Blaine was gone.  Having a child gave him a singular purpose in life and even though most of his day was spent on autopilot - feeding, changing, playing with, and otherwise occupying K.J. so that he himself was occupied.  

“So now that you've been one for… oh… six weeks… what do you think about fatherhood?” His dad asked him once night, back from Washington for a few days.

Kurt shook his head, “Exhausting… everything I read said a kid would be constant work, and that's fine… but it's kind of… boring work?”  He looked guiltily at his son whom Carole was trying to feed.  “It's tedious and time consuming but it feels like my brain is screaming for more.”

“Yeah… well… that'll come when he's older son.”  Burt chuckled.  “And you have school starting up again in a month or so, so your brain will have something more intellectual to do besides worry about the consistency of his bowel movements.”

They chuckled and K.J. mimicked them, spurting semi-mashed carrots up over Carole which made them laugh even harder.

“Anyhow… you've impressed me son.  You've done good by him so far, and believe me, I've been watching.”

Kurt smiled to himself and gave his dad a small nod.  That was all he wanted… his dad's pride.  Yet, now that he knew he had it, it didn't seem so important.  Maybe it was because everytime he looked to his other side he kept thinking Blaine would be there and instead there was an empty space.  Every time he remembered, it was like his heart broke all over again.

He told himself he had done the right thing though,  He had to.  It was the only way he could live with himself.  

After the first day he had been alone, he had called Wes to make sure Blaine had made it.  He had, he was told, but then Wes sighed softly and asked Kurt.

“Why'd you have to go and break his heart?”

“I didn't mean to Wes… that wasn't why…”

“But you did….”

“He didn't want to be a dad Wes.”

“Well… yeah… but….”

“There is no but.  He's not ready and I have to be.  Love isn't the problem.  Readiness for a change is and I can't think just about my own needs and wants anymore.”  

“Fuck Kurt… well… fine…. in the meantime though - I'm kind of mad at you for unloading his whiny ass on me.”

Kurt smiled a little despite how much his heart ached to hear it.  “Sorry Wes.”

“Yeah, well… don't forget about me you jerk.  I'll call you later.”

And he had.  Wes had periodically and updated Kurt on how he was, and Rachel too for that matter, as if Kurt cared, but never talked about Blaine, even though that's what Kurt wanted to know about.  Each time he asked, Wes would, not-so-deftly, change the topic.  Clearly it was not something that he was going to be apprised on and that made it hurt even more.  He wanted to know how Blaine was.  Was he alright?  Was he angry?  Sad?  Indifferent?

Blaine wouldn't return any of his calls either, and Kurt had tried every day.  Not hearing Blaine's voice was torture.  At least Kurt still had pictures to see of Blaine, and the bedroom still smelled like him, but his voice… well… Kurt hadn't thought to record it at any point and now he desperately missed it.

Since the press release about his son, Kurt had been receiving mail, usually vetted through special screenings to make sure it was clean - as was apparently the norm for politicians of his dad's rank.  Some of it was good - letter's of support for him and his son, or ones that told him how much it meant that he had returned (usually from parents whose own children were missing), and some of it was bad.

He got one letter that suggested K.J. would be better off without a crackwhore daddy, lots of letters quoting biblical verses at him to indicate that he was an abomination (his sexuality had been made public long before he had returned home care of a slip by Finn before he died), and a few letters that were just sexual and weird.  

And those were the ones that got through to him.  He had to wonder what letters got pulled before he had a chance to see them.

The one letter that really caught his eyes though was from a former trick.  Kurt didn't know the guy to be able to recall what he looked like, but the essence of the letter was that he was sorry for taking advantage of Kurt and didn't realize kids that had good parents (like Congressman Hummel) could get into that sort of stuff.  Until then, he had thought it was all nymphomaniacs and welfare babies that went into prostitution.  He had changed, the letter read, and he hoped Kurt could forgive him for what he'd done.

Considering that Kurt didn't even know the guy from a hole in the wall, it was easy enough to do.  

He had shown that letter to his dad, whose eyebrows arched as he read it over and then grumbled, “We should get this guy charged… we have his address…”

Kurt had been surprised by that, but then realized that his dad was acting protectively and while Kurt didn't think much of his days on the street anymore, it was clearly still a sore spot for his dad who didn't like the idea of anyone using his son in that way.  “It's okay dad… if I can't go through with charging Cole or Big G, I'm not going to go after some little guy.  Besides, he's asking for forgiveness.”

He watched his dad take steadying breaths and then shake his head, “Sorry kid… I just… I don't like to think about you… and that… and… it kind of makes me sick… YOU don't make me sick… just… that there are so many people in the world willing to do those kinds of things to others… and you.”

Kurt had shrugged it off at the time, but later, when he was thinking about what he would have felt like if he had been in his dad's shoes and K.J. was the one being hurt he got it.  It made him mad enough to think about someone potentially hurting his kid.  He knew he'd be livid if anyone actually did hurt K.J.  Heaven help the person that tried to lay a finger on his son because all the anger he housed would be laid into them.  It didn't matter that he was slight, or still was working on improving his stamina, he would hurt anyone that tried to hurt his son.  

He had scanned and emailed a copy of the letter to Blaine, hoping that it would get his attention and maybe he'd get a response, but nothing.  The more nothing he got from Blaine, the more he wanted to just run to New York and tell Blaine to come back.

But it wasn't a possibility.  Not even remotely.   For starters, it would be incredibly selfish for him to expect Blaine to come back to him and his child after he had been the one to send Blaine off, and secondly, it wasn't like Kurt could just run through New York without suffering a panic attack.  It was an idle thought at best.

So, in the meantime, Kurt just kept himself busy with K.J., hoping that one day his heart would hurt a little bit less and he'd be able to feel less numb to everything around him.