He made it out into the hallway.  Wes wasn't even beside him.  Sure, Wes was standing in the doorway watching him quietly, but he wasn't beside him, not this time.  Kurt could make it out into the hallway on his own without his heart threatening to launch outside of his chest.  

Progress.

“Do you want to try farther?  The stairs maybe?”

Kurt shook his head, eyeing the door to the stairs suspiciously.  No.  Not there.  Not yet.

“Alright then.  Come on back in… let's talk over how you're doing.”

Kurt balked.  He was grateful that Wes was the one to oversee his progress instead of some stuffed shirt guy or girl from the hospital or a specialist agency, but he hated going through the checklist Wes talked him through to graph his progress.  He hated the mandatory questions about how he felt and how his cravings were and to verbalize his plan on how he was going to stay clean.  It was all so shallow and boring.  Most of the time the answers were all the same.  Occasionally he admitted one thing was better or something else was worse.  He still had chills, he knew he medicated himself by eating too much, and he still craved blow.  Somedays more than other days, some days less… but it was always there in the back of his mind.

Still, he went back into the sanctuary of the apartment and sat across Wes at the table, answering all of the same questions, one by one.  It probably wasn't fair that he'd just pushed himself to go out into the hall because his heart rate was up and when his heart rate was up, he wanted cocaine more than ever.  

“Alright… we need to talk about one last thing that's not on this list but should be.”  Wes intoned, peeking over the paper at Kurt.

“What?”

“Your sleeping arrangements.”

Kurt's eyes darted away, “What about them?”

“You can't keep sleeping with Blaine Kurt.  It's not good.  Not for you.  Not for him.”

Kurt sighed and let his head fall into his waiting hands.  He knew.  

“I can't sleep otherwise…”

“What happens when he has to go home for the holidays?  Or he gets serious with Sebastian or, hopefully, someone else?  You can't replace one addictive behaviour with another Kurt.”

“I know…”

“Yet, unlike your willingness to venture out past the door, you haven't even tried to address this problem Kurt.”

“One thing at a time right?”

Wes sighed.  That clearly wasn't the right answer, at least not the right one for Wes.  Whatever.  Kurt couldn't be expected to be a miracle.

They had their lunch and then Wes left to go buy his textbooks.  More and more they had left Kurt on his own for longer stretches of time.  Whether that was planned or not, he appreciated the time to himself.  He could play the piano, have his own private dance party, or just lounge around without anyone asking if he was alright.

Today was no different.  He tried his hand at playing a new song, failing miserably as he tried to simultaneously read the music on the sheet and play.  His mind wasn't in the place for it.  Then he went about trying out a new recipe.  He was hoping it would turn out well and he could make it for Blaine.  

He didn't notice the door opening - granted, his music was turned up loud and the only people who had keys were Wes, Blaine, and himself.  When Rachel had stopped by the one time Blaine had the locks changed.  He didn't want to worry about her coming by again and stressing both of them out.

He did notice though when a hand was set on his shoulder.  He jumped back in surprise and turned in place, holding up a spatula defensively in front of him.

“How cute.”  Sebastian said, puckering his lips as he looked Kurt up and down.  “I never would have figured you were the domestic type… mind you, I can see how you might like to take on that submissive role.”

“How the hell did you get in here?!” Kurt snapped, still holding the spatula out no matter how ridiculous he knew it was.  He needed something between himself and that snide weasel in front of him.

“I pressed a key the last time I was here and had it made into a copy….” Sebastian glanced to the stove, “Mmm… looks delicious.  Mind if I?”  

He didn't wait for Kurt to answer, grabbing a piece of the omelette that was already cooked on the side of the pan and popping it into his mouth.  “Oh yeah… that is good.”

“Why are you here…?”  Kurt tried to keep his voice from wavering, keep it steady so he didn't show the intruder how much his presence upset him.  His sanctuary had just proven to be not as safe as he thought it had been.

“Blaine's out with that stinky mongrel getting him checked at the vet…. I just had a delightful text conversation with him.  We have this whole apartment to ourselves for now.”

Kurt's eyebrows jumped up, “What the hell are you insinuating?”

“What is the going rate right now?  Last time you were pretty cheap but as I recall… you were pretty desperate too… Had to make quota probably.”

“I am NOT doing that anymore!” Kurt yelled ahead of him, “I am CLEAN!  I am BETTER!”

Sebastian seemed unphased, “So… double then?  I imagine you're extra tight now since you're not being used so much.  I don't suppose you take credit card since you moved uptown?”

“Fuck you!” Kurt threw the spatula at Sebastian where it just bounced off him and clattered to the floor.  “Fuck you!  Get out!”

Sebastian took another piece of the omelette, eating it as if Kurt had made it for him and it made Kurt's insides flame up in rage.  How dare he.  

“What about a blowjob?  What's the rate for that?  I mean you are so conveniently located now.  I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that.”

“I am not doing ANYTHING to you or with you asshole.  Get the fuck out!”

Sebastian smirked and dropped his hand into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a small clear baggie that was filled with powder, “Are you sure?”

Kurt stared at it, mesmerized.  His heart was already beating against his ribs and now there was the cure for it - right in front of him.  All he had to do was… no… no….

“Get out…”

“You don't sound so sure anymore.”

“Get out… please… don't do this to Blaine…”

Kurt was so fixed on that bag that he didn't see Sebastian lick over his lips or smile so smugly as he knew he was getting his way.  “You already know that I have been doing this to Blaine.  Maybe not with you… but you're not the only hot little number around and one can hardly blame me when he keeps leaving me with blue balls.”

Kurt tried to break himself out of his stare, biting down on his lower lip and wincing.  Even that didn't work though because the instant his eyes opened, there was the bag again, right in his field of vision.  His resolve was quickening crumbling apart.

“I'll make it quick…”  Sebastian put his hand on his buckle, unclasping it smoothly with one hand. “I don't want to interrupt your playing of housewife for MY boyfriend.”

“Don't…” Kurt's eyes jumped from the baggie, trying to catch Sebastian's gaze for just a moment.  “Please…”

“Ooo… I miss how well you beg.”  Sebastian chuckled, “Tell you what.  Do that thing you used to do where you'd strip down slowly like it was the first time I was getting to see you naked.”

“No…”  Kurt shook his head and had to physically turn his head away to stop himself from looking in that direction.  His heart was going so fast it made his entire chest ache.

“Quick n' easy.  Just like you.” Sebastian was having entirely too much fun with this and it was all at Kurt's expense… and Kurt was letting him.

Stupid fucking bag of cocaine.

Sebastian's pants dropped once his belt was undone, and Kurt didn't look to see, but he knew that the man had to be ready to go already.  He always had been before.  Kurt had never had to do any work to get him interested.  The man was a fucking sex fiend.  He'd been one of Kurt's regular's that Cole would schedule for him, so the prices Sebastian were talking about Kurt didn't know anything about since Sebastian had paid Cole directly.  

Kurt hated regulars, even back when he needed them.  He hated how they thought they knew him, how they took more liberties with him every time they saw him, and he especially hated how they pretended to be attached to him.  Sebastian hadn't been guilty of that last one, but he always made sure Kurt knew that he was a paid whore.  He even had the audacity to proclaim on several occasions that Kurt was “lucky” that he had taken a shining to him because Kurt wouldn't get any better than Sebastian.

Now the asshole was in his kitchen.

“You need to go.” Kurt tried again, keeping his eyes averted.

“Wrong.  I'm GOING to come.”  Sebastian laughed at his own joke and took a couple steps towards Kurt until Kurt could feel his body heat radiating towards him and saw the shadow of Sebastian fall over him.  

“No.  Go.” Kurt's voice was barely a whisper.  

“Just a little suck.  Come on.  I already dropped my pants for you and everything.”  

Kurt felt frozen like he had before when Big G had taken him by the hand.  Below him, his knees came unhinged and he slumped down, hugging the cupboard behind him that was preventing him from moving any further back.  

“Oh good.  You're getting into position.  Finally!  Thought you'd need retraining after being so long without a real man to take care of you.”

Kurt winced his eyes shut and kept his head turned away.  Maybe if he just stayed locked there like that Sebastian would get the hint and go away.  He wished he could fight back.  In all the scenarios that played out in his head when he was lost in his daydreams he always fought back.  Why couldn't he do it when shit was actually happening?  What was wrong with him that when his adrenaline spiked he didn't fight or flee but froze instead?  

“Go… go….”  Kurt mouthed, unsure of whether or not the words were actually being spoken or just in his head as he battled inside his mind, trying to convince it to make his body move to retaliate or at least run.

Running wasn't an option though.  He was trapped in the small apartment sized kitchen.  Drawers behind him and on both sides.  The only way out was behind Sebastian and he didn't want to touch him.

So Sebastian touched him instead.

It was slight, just a hand by his head, but Kurt cringed and let loose a string of expletives that would have made his dad cry to hear.  Clearly it wasn't what Sebastian was hoping for because the hand on his head grabbed his hair and pulled, making Kurt yelp in pain and surprise.

He willed himself to leave his body, let him float away, but it wasn't happening.  If Sebastian was going to insist on this, the least he could have done was let Kurt get high first.   Putting himself out of his body was hard when his mind was so sober yet clearly ineffective at letting him move when he needed to.

Fucking stupid bag…

Then the shadow moved back and he heard a scream and a growl and even then Kurt stayed pinned to the cupboard like a lifeline.  Even when he heard the voice of safety asking him if he was okay and then yelling back “You jerk!  What did you do to him?” he stayed in place.  Even when a familiar body covered in fur crawled up beside him and whined in earnest he stayed in place.  So long as he was like that, no one could make him relapse.  No one could hurt him.

His mind was an idiot sometimes.