I Have Nothing, If I Don't Have You
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I Have Nothing, If I Don't Have You: Chapter 13


T - Words: 5,546 - Last Updated: Sep 04, 2013
Story: Complete - Chapters: 16/16 - Created: Jun 28, 2013 - Updated: Sep 04, 2013
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The drive from McKinley was completely silent and felt never ending. Blaine didn't even bother turning on the radio in his Prius to try and to diffuse the tension. I could tell that we were both incredibly nervous about conversation that was going to happen. It was simply inevitable and nothing could be done to change that. I could see several possible outcomes of the conversation, including ones with us being fine and everything working out, ones with us taking a break to clear our heads and sort things out and even ones where we broke up, not knowing if we would ever get back together. I had to admit I was extremely confused about what I wanted after what Sebastian had said. I knew I was madly in love with Blaine and wanted to be with him for the remainder of my days but was the right decision for me? What if I went to New York and Blaine did decide that I wasn't worth the trouble? My heart would shatter into a million pieces, unable to be put back together again. I would be a broken man if Blaine ever did that to me. Sebastian's words had made me wonder if I was being a gullible fool by getting back together with Blaine and planning my future with him. Was I setting myself up for heartbreak?

Blaine's voice interrupted my depressing trail of thoughts, "Do you want to go to my house or shall we go to yours?"

I pondered for a moment, thinking of which house was the best possible place to go. I did want to go home but there was a chance my Dad or Carole could be around and they would want to know why we were home from school and what had happened to make us come home from school. Once they hear that Sebastian was involved, Dad would want to march down to McKinley and yell at Mr Schue before marching to Dalton and confronting Sebastian. I thought about going to Blaine's house. I knew his parents were away, given the fact I stayed around his last night and it was pretty obvious we had the whole house to ourselves. We would have total privacy there but what if we had an argument and I wanted to leave? I would be stranded there and have to ring someone to pick me up. I was also in quite a bit of pain and all my medication was at home. My Dad would find out eventually so it didn't matter if he or Carole were home. I knew they would let us be if we had important issues to discuss and we did. I let out a sigh, knowing that it made sense for us to just go back to my house. I just hoped that we would be alone for a few. I didn't want anyone to overhear our conversation.

"Can we go back to mine?" I asked, glancing at my boyfriend out of the corner of my eye, "All my medication is there."

"Of course Kurt," Blaine said softly.

The rest of journey home was in utter silence and my stomach felt like it was in knots the closer we got to my house. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw there were no cars on the driveway as that usually meant everyone was out. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend without being worried that someone was listening in on our conversation or that we would be interrupted. Blaine pulled into the driveway and switched off the engine. He took a deep breath before unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the Prius. I slowly undid my seat and turned to open the door before finding it was already open. Blaine was standing there with his hand outstretched, waiting to help me out of the car. I couldn't help but smile at Blaine as I accepted his hand and got out of the car. We kept our hands entwined as we made our way into the house. We both took off our shoes and stood awkwardly for a while before I left Blaine's side and headed into the kitchen to grab my medication and get a glass of water to take it with.

"How are you feeling?" I turned around to see my boyfriend standing in the entrance to the kitchen as I was counting out the pills I needed for the pain."

"A bit sore but hopefully I'll be as right as rain after I've taken these," I replied as I focused back on the pills in my hand.

Blaine walked over to the sink, grabbed the glass on the side and filled it up with water for me. He came and stood by my side, holding the glass of water. I smiled sweetly at him as I accepted the drinks and took my pills with the water. I let out a sigh before giving my glass a rinse and putting it on the side.

"Do you want to go and talk in the living room or your room?" Blaine asked, tilting his head as he watched me, "My main concern is you being comfortable so let me know which one suits your preference."

I let out a little chuckle at my boyfriend's words, "How considerable of you Mr Anderson. I'm going to say my bedroom as I can just lie on the bed and if anyone comes home, we won't really be disturbed or have to move for a more private setting."

Blaine nodded at my words, "Okay that sounds good to me. Do you need some help getting up the stairs?"

"Some help would be nice," I replied, wincing at the thought of walking up those stairs, "It just takes time so it requires plenty of patience and encouragement."

"I could always carry you up?" Blaine suggested, cocking his head to one side as he looked at me, "I could either carry you bridal style or give you a piggy back up the stairs."

I thought for a moment, "As much fun as a piggy back would be, I thought the safest bet is bridal style."

Blaine just grinned at me before he gently scooped me up in his arms. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck, holding me to him. Blaine slowly carried me up the stairs and into my bedroom, continuously making jokes about how light I was and that I needed to eat more cheesecake. My boyfriend laid me down on my bed before pressing a gentle kiss to my temple. I slowly sat up, minding my ribs, as Blaine sat down on the edge of the bed, looking incredibly nervous. I shuffled back towards the headboard so that I was resting against it and my body was supported. I just watched my boyfriend for a moment, taking in just how the sight of him could take my breath away. I hated that Sebastian had caused doubt as that had hurt both Blaine and I. The points the Warbler had made were true and they were issues that Blaine and I really needed to sit down and discuss, getting it all out in the open and seeing where we go from there. I just wanted things smoothed out between us and I hoped that everything would work out and be okay. Of course there was a possibility that the conversation could end with us not working things out and breaking up because of that, but we just had to see what would happen.

I had to break the silence, "Blaine, come and sit down properly on the bed. It doesn't look too comfortable sitting like that sweetie."

Blaine's eyes seemed to light up at the fact I had used a pet name when addressing him. He manoeuvred his body more onto the bed but still kept a slight distance from me, not wanting to get too close. I knew Blaine well enough to know that he didn't want to get too close to me just in case our conversation took a negative turn. He didn't know what I was thinking so didn't want to assume anything. He was giving me my space. Blaine sat cross legged on the bed, just looking at me and waiting to see what I'd do or what I'd say.

I reached out and took Blaine's hands in mine, "I'm sorry about all this tension surrounding us Blaine. I just think we need to talk about what happened in the choir room earlier today."

Blaine just smiled at me sadly, "You don't need to apologise to me for anything, my love. I know shit went down today in the choir room and I definitely agree that we need to talk about everything that bastard said. I just hate that he has really upset you and tried to put his hands on you once again. I know I probably really overreacted to what he said to me and that he was most likely only saying it to get a rise out of me, but it just really got to me. I absolutely hate the idea of that creep being anywhere near you at all!"

I couldn't help but watch with a small smile on my face as Blaine's thumbs stroked the bandages on my wrists gently and slowly. I loved how loving and careful Blaine Devon Anderson. It was simple acts like this that made me fall deeper in love with him than I thought to be possible. I really hoped that we did make it and would have a future together. I knew Blaine was the love of my life but us being together forever all depended on whether we could actually make our relationship work and go the distance. The upcoming year would be extremely hard and tough for both of us so we both have to be fully committed and in it for the long haul. There had to be no remaining doubts and complete trust in one another.

"Of course you were going to react like that Blaine!" I said, still watching Blaine turning my hands over in his so my palms were upright, running his thumbs over the bandages, "He said some truly awful things. I would have been surprised if you hadn't reacted in that way, truth be told."

Blaine smirked slightly at that, "There's no way on earth that I would not have reacted to what lowlife was saying. I can't bear the thought of him touching you at all and hearing him describe the feeling of his hand on your smooth skin and the feel of your gorgeous soft lips on his... well it just really got to me. I had to lash out at him. I had never wanted to hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt him then. I'm really sorry that you hurt your already injured hand but I'm honestly glad that you punched him. He had that coming from someone in the choir room. He's the worst kind of person possible! God, the thought of him infuriates me! I can't tell you how relieved I am that 'Teenage Dream' came on in Scandals when it did!"

"I don't know what would have happened if that song hadn't have come on," I admitted, speaking quietly as I told Blaine the truth, "We weren't doing anything scandalous before it came on. We were just dancing together and I think Sebastian had his hands on my waist. That was all. I'm guessing if we weren't interrupted, we would have carried on drinking and dancing until Sebastian made his move. I probably would have kissed him back but it wouldn't have gone further. To be honest with you, I would have only kissed him for a short period of time before I would have broken down crying about you and my life. I would then have asked Sebastian for money to get a taxi home."

"You wouldn't have slept with him?" Blaine said, his voice almost inaudible.

I shook my head, "Of course not. I only sleep with people I'm in love with so it's just you."

Blaine smiled at my words and I couldn't help but smile back, our hands still entwined. That had been quite hard to say but it was horrible to think that we were just grazing the top of what we needed to discuss. It was like we were just dealing with the iceberg on the top of the water but we had to deal with the rest as well. The conversation would be painful and I knew without doubt there would be tears from both of us.

Blaine looked down at my hands, "I think I can say for both of us that this isn't going to be easy. How about we start with what happened in Mr Schue's office with that slime ball?"

I took a deep breath and thought back to my conversation with Sebastian earlier on, "I think that's a good place to start. He just kept making some half-hearted apologies about how he was really drunk and how the alcohol made him think it was a good idea to throw himself at him, even though I didn't want it."

"I bet that didn't go so well with you," Blaine said, offering a small smile to me due to his slight amusement at Sebastian's words but the anger was still obvious in his eyes.

I smirked back at Blaine, "Oh how well you know me. I kicked off at that, telling him that it was a pathetic excuse and I didn't buy it for one moment. Sebastian had only had a few more drinks than me, unless he suddenly downed several shots while I was performing 'Titanium' but that seems unlikely as I know he was watching me. I gave Sebastian a piece of my mind and he was suddenly horrified that I had thought he was going to rape me. He pleaded with me, telling me he would never have hurt me like that and that he had always had sex with the person's consent. He just kept telling me he would never have done that to me."

Blaine scoffed at that, "And did you believe him?"

I took a moment to reply, "Yes... yes I did believe him. I know I try to see the best in people but the look on his face convinced me. He was desperate for me to believe that he wouldn't have raped me."

We sat in silence for a moment, just taking everything wash over us. It was weird to talk about someone raping me. Every time I said the word, it sent a chill up my spine. It was such an awful thing to happen to someone and I could remember the feeling when I thought it was going to happen to me, with Sebastian trying to undo my pants. I glanced at Blaine, noting that he looked annoyed. I gathered that he was angry that I was defending Sebastian and had given him the benefit of the doubt. I caught Blaine's eye and he nodded at me, gesturing for me to continue.

"I asked Sebastian what was going on in his head," I continued, feeling nervous as this part of the conversation had mainly focused on my relationship with Blaine, "He said that I just looked so vulnerable and broken. I was saying that you didn't love me anymore so Sebastian felt he had to confess his feelings so he didn't miss his opportunity. I tried to say he didn't really love me and it was the Karofsky incident all over again. He tried to argue that he had had feelings for me all along but didn't understand then. Sebastian then compared it to our relationship as you initially didn't understand that you had feelings more than friendship."

That did it. Blaine ripped his hands from mine, causing me to wince, and got off the bed. For a terrifying moment, I thought he was going to leave but instead Blaine just started pacing up and down. I watched him for a moment, waiting for my boyfriend to speak but he remained silent. I gathered my thoughts as I knew I had to continue and get this part of the conversation over with.

"I yelled at him for that," I said, watching Blaine pace about my bedroom, "I told Sebastian that he had confessed his feelings then forced himself on me. I told him you would have never hurt me like that."

Blaine stopped at that, folding his arms over his chest, "And I'm guessing what he said next was similar to what he said to me in the choir room? Something about me hurting you more than he's ever hurt you?"

I nodded sadly, noting how tense my boyfriend looked, "Sebastian said that there will always be a crack in my heart thanks to you. That I..."

I couldn't go on. Blaine looked absolutely devastated. I had only said a few words and I had caused that expression. How could I repeat the full extent of what Sebastian had said?

"Please tell me what he said Kurt," Blaine whispered, pleading with me as his voice broke slightly, "I have to know."

I closed my eyes as I couldn't look at Blaine anymore, "He said that you may not have hurt me physically but you have destroyed me emotionally. That you've caused a crack in my heart that will always be there thanks to you breaking up with you and tossing me aside like I was nothing. That I will always be slightly insecure when it comes down to our future together because of everything that has ever happened between us. He brought up what happened between you and me outside Scandals as he witnessed the whole thing. Sebastian said that I looked hurt and heartbroken, saying that it was a look on my face you had probably caused several times. He said he'd been told all about the Gap Attack and the whole bisexual incident with you kissing Rachel in front of me. I couldn't take it anymore and ended up screaming at him to stop. I tried to leave, he grabbed my arm and that's when you burst into the room with Finn and Santana."

I dropped my head slightly and let the tears fall, ignoring any physical pain I felt from my injuries. The only pain I could focus on was my heart. Thinking about everything again had made my heart hurt and feel like it was breaking again.

"How did you feel when Sebastian was saying all that to you?" Blaine asked, his voice timid as he choked out the words between sobs.

I felt sobs wrack my body as I thought about what I was going to say to my boyfriend. It didn't matter so much what Sebastian had said but what I was about to say would probably destroy him and break his heart. I had to tell him the truth otherwise we'd never recover from this. We had to be completely honest with one another and see whether our relationship could stand all the pain and the hurt.

I took a shuddery breath, trying to control my sobs so I was able to speak, "It was like Sebastian was reading my mind. It was as if he had unburied my darkest thoughts that I had hidden away in the very back of my mind and drawn attention to them. I had tried to keep them hidden after we had worked things out and I had thought they would stay hidden and go away in time but Sebastian had to drag them out for all to see. Remembering all my insecurities made me feel that I was being incredibly stupid for assuming that you and I would work. Sebastian had reminded me of every single one of my insecurities about our relationship and doing long distance. When he went on to mention all the times you had hurt me... the memory flash through my mind but along with that came the pain and hurt I had felt every time. It was utterly unbearable and I needed to get away. That's why I screamed at Sebastian to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. All the hurt was flooding through me and it was suffocating me. Then obviously we had what Sebastian said to you... about you destroying me emotionally... um... yeah."

I buried my face in my hands as I trailed off and just let myself cry. I remember every ounce of pain and hurt I had ever felt thanks to the man I called the love of my life. I couldn't help it. Sebastian had brought up some painful memories and feelings. Blaine dumping me like I was nothing had killed me. The next time I had seen him after he had broken up with me, he had been talking and laughing with Sam as if nothing was wrong. That had destroyed me even more than I ever thought possible. Sebastian was completely right when he said that there was a crack in my heart. Blaine may have fixed my broken heart but it was still barely holding together and the slightest thing could break it again. I couldn't stand to have my heart broken again as I wasn't sure I'd actually survive it this time around. If Blaine and I stayed together, I would have to be sure that he wouldn't hurt me again. I was willing to let him go, despite how much I loved him, to save the both of us from dealing with the pain of a broken or shattered heart.

I suddenly felt a pair of hands gently tug on mine, pulling them away from my face and taking care not to cause any additional hurt to my injuries. Blaine's eyes met mine, both shining with tears that were falling down continuously down his face. I hated seeing Blaine upset and it always broke my heart. Seeing him like this killed me. I scrunched my eyes shut, ignoring any pain, and continued to cry, not wanting to see Blaine upset.

"Oh Kurt!" I heard Blaine cry out, "Please don't cry, my love. You'll just cause yourself pain."

I felt the bed dip next to me and before I knew what was happening, I had somehow found myself in Blaine's lap, clutching onto the front of his sweater. I tried to bury my face into his chest but that just aggravated all of the cuts on my face and caused me to let out a pitiful whimper, making me cry even more. I could hear Blaine crying as he ran a hand up and down my back, trying to comfort me. We were both in such states but Blaine was still trying to comfort me and make sure I was okay.

"Kurt please don't cry," Blaine tried again, his breathing uneven, "It kills me to see you like this."

I pulled my head back slightly and sniffed. I opened my eyes and immediately I was looking into Blaine's eyes. It made me feel like an awful person to see my boyfriend looking upset but at the same time he was looking at me with love in his eyes. I slipped off Blaine's lap and sat next to him on the bed, reaching out and taking one of his hands in mine.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not really knowing what to say, "I guess I couldn't help it."

Blaine leaned in and pressed a kiss to my cheek, "You never have to apologise for how you feel Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. Are you okay to talk about how you feel? I know it's a sore spot but I think it's important we do. For you to have that kind of reaction scares me Kurt. I know this conversation is crucial but I'm scared."

"I didn't mean to scare you," I replied, feeling the tears building up again, "I'm just so confused and Sebastian's words keep ringing in my head. I was so happy last night and this morning but now... I don't know anymore."

Blaine got off the bed and kneeled in front of me, looking determined, "How do you feel about us? Are you doubting our relationship?"

I looked Blaine in the eye for this part, still clasping onto his hand, "I want more than anything for us to be okay. It's just that what Sebastian said was true and I am worried about everything. I'm worried that I'll go to New York and you'll feel lonely and end things between us. You did before so what's to say it won't happen again? I know you said this morning that you'll never let me go but we've made those sorts of promises during our relationship and you did let me go, Blaine. It could happen again and I pushed that thought to the back of my mind but Sebastian's words have made that thought force its way to the front of my mind and now it is refusing to go away no matter what I do. I tried to live in denial but I can't do it any longer. I love you Blaine but is it practical for us to be together?"

I watched as Blaine just stared at me in shock, taking in everything I had said. I could see how taken aback he was by me confessing what I was feeling after what had happened with Sebastian. He obviously hadn't expected me to actually question whether it was practical for us to be together, especially once I went to New York. We had been so optimistic about our future when we had woken up earlier together in Blaine's bed after reuniting. We had vowed that we would be together forever and there had been so much certainty. Only a few hours had passed since that but now everything about our relationship and our future was up in the air.

"Is that really how you feel?" Blaine said quietly, sounding defeated as his body slouched slightly.

"I don't know how I feel," I replied, trying to help my boyfriend understand what was going through my mind, "It's just... I'm overthinking everything but it's making me face the facts about what's going on in my life. We're going to be apart for a year but maybe by trying to stay together, we're just prolonging an inevitable break up that will destroy us both. You were the one who pointed out that if we break up, we both lose our boyfriend and our best friend. You said that us breaking up was for the best and maybe you were right. I know it nearly killed me but maybe you were actually doing the right thing."

Blaine just stared at me in horror, "So what? We break up and then what?"

I closed my eyes, unable to look the love of my life in the eye, "I guess we carry on with our lives and maybe one day we'll make it work between us. Our lives could actually be like 'The Notebook'; not just the ending but the middle part as well with you building our dream house."

"You mean the part where I bump into you in New York and I see you with your fianc�, looking so happy?" Blaine questioned as he tried to wrap his head around everything, "You mean the part where we don't talk for seven years? Kurt, I've got to tell you that I hate it when I go a day without talking to you. I told you this before but you're the most interesting person that I've ever met and I love talking to you. I love listening to what you have to say and I just love being with you. Kurt, you're the love of my life."

I opened my eyes at that and smiled sadly at the boy kneeling in front of me, "You're the love of my life too Blaine. I love you and I'm always going to love you. I'm just worried that us being together isn't the best idea. You had doubts yourself and now I'm having them. What happens if these doubts happen when we're hundreds of miles apart and it's not something we can quickly sort out over Skype?"

"So this is it?" Blaine said, his eyes sparkling with tears as he tried to blink them away, "We're breaking up?"

I tried to swallow, desperately wanting to get rid of the lump in my throat, "I guess we are."

Blaine let out a bitter chuckle before jumping to his feet and storming out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Blaine!" I tried to call out after him but it was too late.

I was in no state to run after him and I felt utterly helpless. I wanted to do something. I wanted to go after Blaine and talk to him. I wanted us to sort everything out. It felt like we had given up on us so easily. Yes I was having doubts but Blaine had had doubts and we had gotten past them. I didn't know how things were going to turn out as I was so confused but I knew that I would always want Blaine Devon Anderson in my life. I glanced at the door, wishing Blaine was there but no such luck. I laid back on my bed, letting my body sink into the mattress, before I covered my face with my hands. What would happen now? Were Blaine and I now broken up? I didn't know what the next step was. What would I tell my family and friends when they asked about Blaine and I? I hated all this uncertainty and just wanted my life to be simple. What was going to happen now?

Suddenly my bedroom door burst open and I lifted my head, startled by what had happened. My heart swooned at the sight of Blaine standing there looking determined, his eyes blazing. He squared his shoulders before walking over to me and kneeling in the position he had been in before. I slowly sat up and Blaine reached up to take my hands in his to help me into a sitting position. He kept my hands in his as he looked into my eyes, love shining in them.

"I am not going anyway Kurt. I got to the bottom of the stairs before I realised that I was being an idiot. I was being a stupid idiot when I ended things between us a few days ago and I would be even more of an idiot if I let you go again. I told you I wouldn't let you go again so I'm here, fighting for you. I'm fighting for our relationship Kurt Hummel. We both love each other and you are the love of my life and I know I'm yours. It doesn't make sense for us to break up. I know we have some challenges ahead of us but we can take them on together. I know you'll be going to New York but that doesn't mean we can't make it. I can come and visit and you'll be home for the holidays. We'll make it work, I know we will," Blaine said, his voice carrying around the room as it got louder and louder.

I couldn't help but smile at Blaine, tears building up, "That's so sweet Blaine but..."

Blaine quickly interrupted me, "Kurt baby listen to me. I knew the second I suggested that we break up that it was a mistake and I'm sure when I left this room, you wished that I hadn't gone. It's a mistake for us to break up and be apart. I know Sebastian created some doubts but what the hell does he know? He's never had a relationship and he's an awful person. Look Kurt, I know what it's like to be without you and I never want to go through that again. I will never let you go and I will love you forever. I will keep my promises, just like how I've kept all the promises I made when I presented you with the promise ring. You've also kept your promise of never saying goodbye to me and I am making that promise as well. I will never say goodbye to you Kurt Hummel. You're my forever and I will always fight for you.

The tears wouldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried. Hearing Blaine declare his feelings and his promises made me feel like the happiest man on earth. I knew that there would always be uncertainty about the future but that was just life. I couldn't hold Blaine to what would happen. I just had to hope that Blaine and I would be together no matter what.

I looked down at Blaine with a smile on my face, "I'm never saying goodbye to you."

Before I knew what was happening, Blaine was on his face and had manoeuvred me back so I was lying on the bed. He was leaning over my body, his arms holding him up. Blaine smiled at me before leaning down and capturing my lips with his. I smiled into the kiss as I deepened it, touched by the fact Blaine was taking care not to hurt me.

Eventually I pulled apart and smiled at my boyfriend, "We're going to be okay."

"I love you so much," Blaine replied, happiness evident on his face.

"I love you too," I said before pulling Blaine in for another kiss, feeling like I was home once more.

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