Who I Am When I Don't Know Myself Anymore
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July 20, 2013, 11:45 a.m.


Who I Am When I Don't Know Myself Anymore: Questioning


E - Words: 1,258 - Last Updated: Jul 20, 2013
Story: Closed - Chapters: 17/? - Created: May 07, 2012 - Updated: Jul 20, 2013
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Author's Notes: I have so much of this story written, but its just a matter of typing it.
Kurt's POV

Today was just not my day. I had a hard time focusing on the French test. I'm pretty sure I left a question or two blank. Since when did this all escalate? Wes then texted all of the Warblers for an extra practice after school. We aren't even competing any time soon! Instead of going to my dorm to sleep for a bit as usual, I was forced to head to the practice room. Blaine hopped up to kiss me on instinct, which I always found endearing, when I came into the bustling room of boys. Rehearsal began.

Rather than the step-step shuffle movement of tradition, it transformed into a routine of the New Directions kind. In twenty minutes, the Warblers had learned a small routine to the verse and chorus of a random pop song. I was beat. When had I been this fatigued during the New Directions routines? Those were longer and harder than this!

"Two more run-throughs!" Thad called out. I took a deep breath, but maybe that wasn't the best idea. The blood rushed through my ears, and my heart throbbed painfully. I could feel it in my head. The room began spinning and my breathing shallowed out of fear for what was happening.

"You okay?" Blaine said quietly, coming form nowhere, placing hand on my shoulder and another caressing my cheek. I didn't trust myself to speak because uncomfortable tremors took over my body. Blaine's eyes widened significantly. He opened his mouth and said something, but the blackness in my vision dulled sound. The floor looked so comfortable right then. I was just going to lie down. Just for a bit. Unfortunately, I had no strength to gently lower myself, so I simply fell. I felt Blaine's hands on me, but I was so tired. So drained. Just let me sleep… Black.

Blaine's POV

I really had no clue as to why Wes would issue a random Warbler practice, but he explained that Thad had created new choreography and needed to be rehearsed to see if it was any good. I agreed and met with the council a bit before the rest of the guys filed in.

"Hey," David said to Wes under his breath, "Let's keep an eye on Kurt." If they were trying to keep that from me, I still heard and eavesdropped while listening to Thad's idea.

"Why?" Wes asked.

"He fell asleep in Physics earlier. He just looks ill," David said. I was shocked. Kurt, I know, was never one to fall asleep in class. Wes agreed to look out right as Kurt walked in. I stopped to stare at my boyfriend from my spot on the couch. I had to stifle a gasp as he moved into the room. Tired. Worn out. Fading. Thin. Pale as ivory yet not pretty. He had a greenish tint to his skin. How had that change occurred within so few hours? I put on a facade and went up to kiss him.

Practice began with just repetition of some moves. The Warblers haven't really ever done anything like this, but it was fun. I wasn't the only guy with freedom to move around.

"Two more run-throughs!" Thad yelled. I walked by Kurt to get back in place and stole a glance at him. I stopped in my tracks. If I thought he was pale before, he was translucent now. His eyes fluttered and breathing eradicated.

"You okay?" I asked and reached out to touch him, hold him. I spoke quietly as to not cause a scene with the other Warblers, but there wasn't any reason. Kurt's body began quivering, eyes darting around the room. I was losing him, I could tell.

"Baby, just sit for a second, okay?" My suggestion was too late. Kurt slipped through my arms and crumpled onto the floor with a solid thud.

"Shit," I murmured as I leaned over him. "Somebody call the nurse!" I yelled, now involving the Warblers. Wes as leader jumped into action while David ushered the guys out of the room. A million thoughts ran through my head as I stroked Kurt's sweaty forehead. The most prevalent being how I haven't seen him eat lately.

"Baby, why?" I pleaded and kept doing so until Wes arrived with the school nurse. She bustled in with Dalton-colored scrubs and a full medical bag.

"Oh dear. He fainted?" the kind, old lady questioned. I nodded, not taking my eyes off of Kurt. The nurse pulled a wipe out of her bag and waved it under Kurt's nose. I held his head in my lap while he made signs of waking up. Blue eyes stared at the ceiling after a moment. I sighed in relief.

"Hey there, honey. Here's the deal: you fainted, and I need you in my office for a check-up to see what's wrong. Blaine here will carry you. Don't worry," she cooed at him. At the mention of me carrying him, Kurt's eyes widened, and he shook his head rapidly.

"No? Well, do you think you could stand?" the nurse asked patiently. I watched as Kurt moved slowly to stand on his unsteady legs. Once fully erect, he took a step forward and began to crumple again with fatigue, but I swooped in and grabbed his torso in one arm.

And gasped. Ribs. Ribs. Ribs. Fucking ribs. This isn't normal. Kurt heard my gasp and tried to shrug my arm off. His stubbornness angered me, so I made the quick decision to carry him. He made a whine to protest, but I looked down at his face with tears welling in my eyes. The weight in my arms was sickeningly light like a child's. My anguish shut him up.

"Okay then," the nurse said with curiosity, "Let's go." She led us out. We passed some Warblers who were standing by as witnesses. They used their eyes to communicate their concern for what happened. Kurt buried his head into my chest, and we kept walking.

The nurse's office was always a comfortable place. Dalton made sure of that to satisfy ill boarding students and make it feel more like their home. I laid Kurt on one of the beds then stripped his blazer and shoes. The nurse got to work with blood pressure and temperature.

"Have you eaten today, sweetie?" she asked while messing with the machines. I held Kurt's cold hand.

"Uhm, yeah," he replied breathily. Liar.

"I'm going to get you some fruit juice because it will help you get those needed electrolytes back in your system." Kurt just nodded and close his eyes. I couldn't help but stare, especially at the bones peeking out of the white uniform shirt.

"Why did you lie?" I basically whispered. Kurt opened his bleary eyes once more to look at me.

"Lie about what?" he asked naively. I sighed and stroked his hand.

"About eating today," I bluntly stated. It was a guess but a fairly good one. Kurt opened and closed his mouth trying to find the words but was interrupted by the nurse coming in with a cup of fruit juice.

"Thank you," Kurt said quietly. I helped him to sit up and drink.

"Talk to me, baby. I need to understand. I can't sit back and watch you get sick. Why are you doing this to yourself?" I pleaded. I did need to know. Whatever the problem, it was affecting our relationship badly. This was killing me and maybe him because he did look like death itself.


Comments

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thanks a bunch!!!!!

I don't know who I feel more sorry for. Blaine and Kurt are both suffering. I think I feel more for Blaine but that's probably because he dominated the POV. Great update. I am looking forward to more.

thank you for reading and thinking about it. yeah, it affects kurt as well as all his loved ones. yeah, i like blaine angsty and dominating.

Wow, this is really good! Still love it. I see how it makes sense to repeat the scene in the other's pov now, with this story, I agree that it's better the way you have it. I can't believe I didn't notice you updated earlier, oh well, better late than never. Update again soon! I'm anxious to see why poor, beautiful Kurt is doing this to himself.

Thank you so much for the incredible feedback.