Who I Am When I Don't Know Myself Anymore
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July 20, 2013, 11:45 a.m.


Who I Am When I Don't Know Myself Anymore: Awake and Alive


E - Words: 1,776 - Last Updated: Jul 20, 2013
Story: Closed - Chapters: 17/? - Created: May 07, 2012 - Updated: Jul 20, 2013
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KURT’S POV


I opened my eyes when I became aware of mechanical whirring.

What the fuck?

“Ugh,” I groaned from the fluorescent light in the room, but the noise was muffled and kind of hurt.

“Whoa, buddy. Don’t move too much,” I heard my dad say. I craned my head and saw him sitting on my left side holding my hand.

I remembered what my mom had said, and tears filled my eyes.

“No, no. Please don’t cry. I’ll get a nurse. Hang on,” he said gently. In a moment, a nurse and doctor came to explain that they would take out the ventilator, the source of the whirring.

They tugged it out, causing some discomfort, but I felt able to breathe more freely.

“Open your eyes, kid,” Dad ordered, making me realize that I had scrunched my face up as the ventilator tube came out. I did as he said and took in my surroundings.

The window behind my father’s head suggested we were a couple of floors up, and it was late. To my other side, Carole was sitting in a chair, staring at me with comforting eyes. Tons of machines were beeping. I looked back at my father then to the unmoving figure huddled in blankets on top of cushions on the windowsill. The nurse and doctor were at the foot of my bed, speaking steadily, discussing whatever.

“Kurt,” my dad said. I looked him in the eyes. “I’m so glad you’re awake. I was so scared.” His eyes moistened rapidly, and it took all of my strength to squeeze his hand, but it was worth seeing him smile widely.

“Hey, Kurt,” the doctor interrupted the moment. “Welcome back. Do you know where you are right now?” he asked. I nodded my head stiffly.

“Do you remember what happened?” Struggling, I managed to hold up a loose pinch of my pointer finger and thumb demonstrating I only remembered a little bit of what happened. It felt like my brain wasn’t connected to anything.

“Nnnnngggh,” I moaned from the discomfort in my head.

“Hey, it’s okay. That’s fine. Well, you were exercising this morning and had a seizure, but while we were treating you, your heart stopped. We had to deliver a cardiac shock to resuscitate you,” the doctor reported. It was overwhelming what he was saying, so I took a shuddery breath as he continued.

“We just took you off of the ventilator which serves as a precaution for heart attack patients. You’ve been asleep for a good eight hours or so. Right now, you’re on a glucose drip, the needle in your right hand, which is rehydrating you,” he pointed out. My eyebrows furrowed. I really hoped I wasn’t seeing things, but my hand seemed purple and greenish.

“Your veins are very weak, so we had to try a couple of times to get the needle in,” the doctor explained. “The tube in your nose leads down to your stomach and is giving you the nutrients you deprived it of by the anorexia. We’ll take the heart monitors off in a little while.” Carole, my dad, and the doctor all looked at me expectantly, but I just nodded in understanding.

“We’ll try to do everything we can to get you back on your feet, so you’ll be staying here for a while until we think you’re ready,” added the doctor. Again, I nodded then closed my eyes to rest them.

“Is it okay if he sleeps?” my father asked in his deep voice, still holding my hand tenderly.

“Of course.”

So I did, silently slipping off hopefully to dream of my mom again.


CAROLE’S POV
The shock of seeing Kurt in basically the same situation as Burt had been a year ago was just horrible. Since I was his stepmother, I felt somewhat responsible for not stopping his dangerous habits sooner. There are no words to describe the atmosphere of ICU Room 516.

I made myself useful around one pm to get Burt and Blaine lunch. I also decided to call Finn, who had always been out during the Friday dinners. He didn’t know about Kurt’s situation. He hadn’t seen him. We didn’t tell him, but Burt and I would be otherwise preoccupied for God knows how long, so Finn needed to know that. However, my son was in school. Deciding to just call anyway, I dialed his number. Perhaps he had his phone out.

“Hello?” he picked up.

“Hey, honey. It’s me,” I recited like usual.

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to let you know what’s going on.”

“Wait, why? What’s wrong?”

“Burt and I are at the hospital for-“

“WHAT?” he yelled, making me wince.

“Honey, are you in class?”

“I have a study hall. Why are you in the hospital?”

“Kurt-“

“WHAT?” he screamed again.

“Finn, let me finish please. Kurt’s having some serious health issues right now that need to be taken care of,” I said, skipping out on literally every single detail.

“What happened, mom? What health issues? How long is he there? What hospital are you at? I can try to leave school to come,” Finn rambled.

“Thank you for being so concerned about your step-brother, but skipping school is not necessary as he’s asleep and will be for a while, but tomorrow, when he can have visitors and be awake to see them, you can come,” I spoke. “It’s the Westerville Hospital which, I know, is a long drive, but maybe you can pick up food for you and us on the way,” I finished. That placated him, and I ended the call, picked up the lunch order, and headed back to Room 516.


BLAINE’S POV


I sat back as Burt and Carole cooed over their unconscious son. I sat back as Burt and Carole ate a snack together, me nibbling on chips Carole brought me. I sat back as Kurt, still unconscious, was rolled to get a brain scan. I sat back as the doctor explained to his parents that there was slight damage to the area of Kurt’s’ brain that dealt with the mechanics of speech caused by the seizure or heart attack. Luckily, the doctor thought that it could fix itself once he woke up.

It was just a lot of sitting back. And staring at Kurt. He was almost obscured by the wires and tubes that kept him alive. The hospital gown that had been put on was much too large for his skeletal frame and sagged off his shoulders a bit to reveal waxy skin stretched taut over bone.
It was like physically looking at death, but he looked peaceful, and this was the help he needed.

I just wish he didn’t have to reach rock bottom to get there.

Boy, did I have some somber phone calls to make.

First, I called the nurse, who had stayed at Dalton to do paperwork and alert the authorities of what happened, why Kurt wouldn’t be attending classes, why he wouldn’t be back for a while. His parents would deal with that issue, but I guess he’ll just get the lessons and try to teach himself.

Of course, I’ll help.

Next, I called Jeff, who I knew had his phone out at lunchtime.

“Hey, Blaine. How is he? What happened?” Jeff fired away at me immediately. I took a deep breath.

“Kurt, as you can probably tell, has an eating disorder, but-“

“That explains a lot actually,” Jeff interrupted solemnly. “A couple of us figured that out, but we didn’t know what to do.”

“The nurse and I have been trying to help him, but he just took it too far.”

“What exactly happened?”

“The seizure was cause by overworking his body, then, at the hospital, he went into cardiac arrest.”

“Oh- oh my god,” the Warbler gasped. I cleared my throat.

“He’s stable and resting, but he’ll be in treatment for a while,” I added.

“Can I tell the Warblers?” Jeff hesitantly asked.

“I’ll ask Kurt if it’s okay when he wakes up.”

“When will you be back? You skipped school today.”

“I know. I’ll be there Monday for sure. I just needed to be here.”

“You really love him,” he stated randomly.

“Yes, he’s everything to me,” I said.

“This must be hard on you.”

“This isn’t about me,” was my retort.

“I’m sure you’re having a hard time with all of this though,” he tried again.

“I’ll be fine.” The conversation ended at that. When I stepped back into Room 516, Carole patted the windowsill seat next to her. She had gotten food for us. I thought it was just a little weird to be eating in the situation.

“You should go back to school, kid,” Burt commented at around 2 pm.

‘With all due respect, Mr. Hummel, I really want to stay here.” Carole and Kurt’s dad looked at each other and shrugged.

The food and absolute craziness of everything had made me kind of sleepy, so Carole let me stretch out on the windowsill. As I fell asleep, she laid a blanket on top of me.

You know that kind of sleep that feels like you closed your eyes only to open them five seconds later to find five hours have passed? 7 pm, still Friday.

I woke up when it was dark because there was a lot of talking and moving around in the room. I sat up quickly and saw Burt and Carole crowded around Kurt’s bed.

Kurt was awake. Even though Burt and Carole informed me this was only the second time for him to be awake, I hopped up and pushed through, getting right in front of his face.

“Kurt,” I whispered. He opened his eyes, those blue eyes I could never live without. He smiled sleepily at me. Nobody spoke as I leaned forward to kiss Kurt’s cheek and nuzzled my face into his neckline like a puppy cuddling up. Carole cooed, but I just stayed in the crook of his neck, ignoring the sterile hospital smell, ignoring his cold skin.

“I love you, beautiful,” I said, pulling away to stare into his eyes again. Shakily, he lifted his hand and caressed my face. I laughed at his furrowed eyebrows. I had some stubble, and he had never liked stubble.

“I have to shave,” I said for him. He smiled again and nodded slowly. His eyes became heavy, and I guess he fell asleep, but at least he had woken up. At least he was alive. At least that dream I had didn’t come true all the way.


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