Chapter 8:

The next few days were odd, thought Blaine. The feeling of having a new boyfriend was both exhilarating, and scary. Scary because Blaine was still convinced, deep down, that he was going to get hurt all over again. Sometimes, when Kurt tried to get too close to him, Blaine would start to panic until Kurt soothed him before backing away and giving him space. He knew Kurt was probably getting tired of his antics, but he couldn't help himself. Whenever they got too close, images of Scott's dead body and un-fulfilled promise filled his mind, and his body would automatically recoil. He also knew that Kurt had repeatedly told him that he wouldn't hurt him, but his reactions were out of his hands, and Blaine had apologized more than once.

He just didn't want to hand over his heart, only to have it thrown away and abandoned. At least not so soon, since he still hasn't recovered from his past relationship. Part of his heart was attached to Kurt already, and he knew it was dangerous, but when Kurt looked at him with those fond eyes, he felt like he could just melt.

Blaine was trying, he really was. He just needed a little more time to get used to this, and to assure his heart that this time might be different than the last.

What also didn't help his situation was when he and Kurt had told their group of friends about their relationship. His friends had put on fake happy masks, probably not to hurt Kurt, but Blaine could see right through it.

When Kurt was in one of the few different classes that they had, David and Wes had cornered him.

"Blaine, what are you doing?" Wes demanded, concerned.

Blaine stared at the ground, starting to wring his fingers nervously.

He saw some of the burlier boys at the reform school out of the corner of his eye and straightened up, putting on his badass persona. He couldn't risk showing any weakness. Not when he knew that at the site of weakness, the other guys wouldn't waste a second to come beat him up.

He shot one of them a menacing glare. "What are you staring at?"

The boy quickly looked away and pretended to be busy with something else.

"Blaine, stop avoiding the question."

He turned his head back to his two friends, trying his best to keep his face nonchalant, even though his voice betrayed him with coming out a little shaky. "I-I don't know, you guys… I just - Kurt is amazing. He is. A-And I mean… Why not?" He whispered. Wes and David exchanged glances.

"Blaine… We care about the both of you. And I honestly don't think you're in any condition to date someone again. Not yet, at least. We see the way you react when Kurt tries to get too close to you. You tense up or make an excuse to go do something else."

Blaine looked around and pulled the duo away from the crowd, and into an empty hallway. When he looked back at his friends and saw the intense stares directed at him, he looked anywhere but at them. "He… He makes me happy." He half-lied.

"He also makes you miserable." At this, Blaine looked up. "It's obvious. We can see the way you hurt whenever Kurt does or says something that reminds you of… of Scott." Blaine flinched at the name, feeling as if someone squeezed his heart. "We just think a relationship isn't what any of you need right now. If you get invested in each other so soon, it'll end up hurting you both."

Blaine sighed, knowing what his friends were saying was right. He ran a hand through his curly hair, shifting his position to rest his weight on one foot. "Well, what do you expect me to do? You know he'll get hurt if I tell him that I'm not ready yet. I was the one who told him I wanted to be his boyfriend. I was the one who pushed it. He told me we didn't have to rush, and I was the idiot who did." He whispered and pointed in his own direction harshly, blaming himself.

David put his hand on Blaine's shoulder in a comforting gesture, only to have it shrug off. "Blaine, calm down. You know he'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Blaine, it's not like you're saying goodbye forever. You're just asking him to be a friend instead of a lover, for now. And when you're ready, you can go back to being boyfriends." Wes assured.

You're the definition of a dick, Blaine. Why do you have to be so fucked up, and drag Kurt into your fucked up life? Beautiful, gorgeous, flawless, sweet, selfless Kurt.

He chuckled humorlessly, "So, what, I'm supposed to go up to him and say 'Oh, I'm sorry Kurt. I know we've been boyfriends for a while now, and I know I've been a shitty one at that, but I don't think I'm ready. So I think we should stay friends until I am.'? Do you know how dumb that sounds?"

"You know what? Okay, if you're so keen on staying his boyfriend, then you see for yourself how you react the next time he starts to touch you. If you let it happen without freaking out, then don't break things off. But if you freak out like last time, you'll just keep hurting him. Your call." David said sternly. And with that, he and Wes left Blaine to himself in the hallway.

Blaine walked into their dorm room only to find it empty. Weird. Kurt's usually here at this time.

Part of him felt relieved that he didn't have to go through the 'to break things off, or not to break things off' thing, and part of him wanted to get it over with.

He really liked Kurt. And if the way he had been acting was hurting Kurt, then Blaine didn't think he could keep doing it. He already hurt him enough.

As he walked to the library – Kurt liked to spend time there, sometimes. He said the quiet helped him concentrate on his studies. – he recalled one of his 'panic attacks'.

Blaine was sitting on his desk-chair reading, with his feet propped up on the table, a cigarette dangling from his lips, when Kurt walked in.

"Hey, you." Kurt said, a smile on his face as he walked to Blaine. He pulled the cigarette out and crushed it onto the ashtray and leaned down to give Blaine a light kiss on the lips.

Blaine felt his insides warming up immediately at the gesture, and smiled back at Kurt when they pulled apart. Kurt pulled him up and towards his bed.

Blaine suddenly felt nervous. Since they had become boyfriends, they hadn't done more than making out. He just didn't feel ready, nor did he think Kurt was, either. He knew it was contradictory to say that he wasn't ready, since he had been sleeping around before Kurt had come along, but all of those one night stands were just what their name was – one night stands, with no emotional attachment.

This, on the other hand, this was different. Going further would be too… intimate. And Blaine definitely wasn't ready for that.

Kurt lay back on the bed and pulled Blaine on top of him. Blaine pushed the slight panic he was starting to feel to the back of his head. No, Kurt wouldn't go further. He's not even ready for that. He was raped, for crying out loud. Him wanting to jump into that step would be dangerous. Who knew what kind of memories it would trigger for the both of them?

When the last phrase went through Blaine's head, memories suddenly started to fill his own head. Thoughts about he and Scott's first time.

He quickly looked at Kurt to distract him from the triggering memories, but that just made it worse. Kurt was smiling softly, oblivious to Blaine's inner struggles, running his hand through Blaine's soft curls. "I missed you today. I haven't seen you since this morning." He pouted.

Blaine closed his eyes, and when he opened them, for a second he thought he saw Scott laying under him, saying the exact same words, not Kurt, and he shot out of bed and fell to the floor. He shook his head violently, trying to clear the image of his old dead boyfriend. Thankfully, when he looked back to Kurt's bed, he saw Kurt and not Scott. Kurt was sitting up wearing a confused and slightly hurt expression. He got up and walked to Blaine's side on the floor and leaned down, touching Blaine's wrist. "Are you okay?" He asked concerned.

Blaine lowered his eyes. "I... Yeah…"

Kurt sat back on his heels, releasing a soft sigh. "It was Scott again, wasn't it?"

Blaine's head shot up, "How did you… Kurt, I'm so sorry. These images just keep coming, a-and for a second I saw him instead of you and I-I j-just… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out like that." He lowered his head again and played with the hem of his shirt.

He heard Kurt sigh before he cupped Blaine's face, making him look at him. "It's okay, Blaine. I understand." He said with a soft smile before pecking his lips gently. "I'll just give you some space, okay? I'll go over to Nick and Jeff's room for a while, or something." He said with a small smile and disappeared out of the room.

Blaine sunk back onto the floor and stared at the ceiling.

This is the 4th time, Blaine. Get a fucking hold of yourself. Can't you see that your melodramatic reactions are hurting Kurt? Now he probably thinks that you're still insanely obsessed with Scott.

He rounded the corner to where the library was situated, and walked in, expecting to see Kurt invested in a book. But instead he saw Kurt laughing and smiling with someone else. Someone he couldn't identify from the back.

"… so and then she punched me in the face!" He heard the stranger say, making Kurt laugh even harder.

Blaine cleared his throat when none of the boys noticed him.

Their faces turned and Blaine finally saw the boy's face. Oh, yeah, that's the guy that was in our group therapy thing a couple of weeks ago. The one that was sitting next to Kurt. The one that was making Kurt smile when you were doing the opposite.

Kurt smiled up at him and took Blaine's hand from where he was standing. "Tyler, this is Blaine, my boyfriend-"

Blaine's insides twisted. Both at the fact that the boy opposite Kurt was looking at him as if he didn't deserve Kurt, and the other at the fact that Blaine probably didn't, seeing as Blaine was coming him to test the waters and see if he was going to break things off.

"-And Blaine, this is Tyler." Kurt continued, gesturing to Tyler with a big smile on his face.

Tyler nodded his head at him, and Blaine forced himself to stay nonchalant and not reply. What the fuck is this guy doing with Kurt?

Tyler turned to Kurt and tilted his head to the side. "You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend, Kurt. How come?" He said with a way-too-cocky smile directed to Blaine.

It took about every ounce of power not to punch that smirk off of this dickhead's face. His fingers loosed a little around Kurt's fingers, "You didn't tell him that I'm your boyfriend?" Blaine asked, trying really hard to keep the hurt he felt out of his voice.

Kurt's eyes shot to him, his expression unreadable, and answered. "The topic never came up."

The topic never came up? It shouldn't even be considered a topic. It should be a fucking necessity when you can clearly see this shitface's advances.

Blaine pulled his hand out of Kurt's slowly and pretended to fix his sleeve. Kurt's probably sick of you, anyway. Why would he want to be with you, when all you ever do is freak out whenever he basically fucking touches you? He's probably been hanging out with this guy everytime you stayed and sulked in your room after another 'freakout'. See? This is what happens when you act before thinking, Blaine. This is what happens when you agree to something you're not ready for. You might as well just leave these two alone and go prepare a fix, or something.

He could see Tyler smirking from the corner of his eye. "It never came up… Okay… Well, um, I just came here to… You know what? I'm just gonna go." He said and quickly left the library, willing himself not to cry.

He heard Kurt calling his name, his fast footsteps coming closer.

"Blaine, wait!" Kurt grabbed his hand and turned him around, his expression both hurt and slightly angry. "What the fuck was that?"

Blaine put on a nonchalant mask. "What was what?" He asked.

"I know what you thought, back there. It was as obvious as the answer of 1+1." He accused angrily, his voice starting to rise.

"Thought what? That you were getting tired of the way I freakout sometimes, and that you were basically getting bored and sick of me?" Blaine asked, hurt evident in his voice.

Kurt, on the other hand, looked slightly taken aback by what Blaine was saying. He whispered, "Blaine… What are you talking about? What on earth made you think that?"

"I can see it, Kurt. I see the way you look at me after I push you away when you try to be affectionate. And I definitely saw the way you smiled when you were with that shit, Tyler." Blaine whispered back, his eyes downcast.

Kurt chuckled darkly.

Blaine looked up, confused, and saw the anger on Kurt's face.

"You know, Blaine, for you to accuse me of cheating-"

"I didn't say you were cheating on me, Kurt." Blaine cut in firmly. "I'm just saying that if you're not so happy about the way I've been acting, then I understand if you wanted to spend your time with someone who didn't act the way I did. Don't put words in my mouth and say that I accused you of cheating."

Blaine was suddenly angry. Angry at Scott for doing this to him, angry at himself for reacting the way he did, angry that all he ever did was hurt everyone he loved.

Wait, what? Did I just include Kurt in the category of people I love? Where did that come from?

Kurt looked a little startled, until his expression changed to one of accusation. "Yeah well, you kept getting those flashbacks, and you kept pushing me away! And incase you didn't know, Blaine, I hear you whisper his name in your sleep. I don't know if it's from a nightmare, or if you miss him that fucking much, but either way, it is a little hurtful that all you ever think about is him when I'm standing right there." Kurt said while he poked Blaine harshly on the chest, his eyes brimming with tears.

Blaine laughed hollowly, "You think I'm pushing you away, because I wish that it's Scott that I want in your place? You think that I'm enjoying these flashbacks? That I'm welcoming them? That I like the nightmares I keep getting? You think I want to think about him? How could you be so inconsiderate?" He accused hurtfully.

At this point, tears were rolling down Kurt's face. He saw him swallow and look down guiltily. He said through a choked sob, "I… You're right… I'm sorry."

Blaine's expression softened a bit, and he pulled Kurt against him, holding him tightly. He whispered against his ear, "I just… I don't understand why you would think that, Kurt. I know I haven't been the world's best boyfriend, but I'm trying. I'm so sorry I haven't been treating you the way I should have. If you would just give me time…"

Kurt curled his fists on his shirt and sobbed quietly. "You don't owe me an apology. It's me who should be sorry. I knew you were going through a lot, but I was just being selfish. I was just so desperate for someone to love me, to make me feel wanted again, and I reacted stupidly. I should have comforted you, not leave you alone hurting. I'm so sorry, Blaine. Forgive me?" Kurt looked up, his eyes shining with tears and hope.

Blaine smiled and brushed a few stray strands out of Kurt's forehead and placed a kiss there. "Of course I forgive you, Kurt. And of course you're wanted. Don't ever feel like you're not. But... I do need time to… to forget."

The blue-eyed boy wormed his arms around Blaine's neck. "I know, and I'm willing to help. If you'll let me…"

Blaine smiled and dropped a kiss on his nose. "There's no one else I would want to help me other than the boy I'm falling in lo-um, the boy… you." He stuttered, panicking slightly at his slip-up, hoping it didn't scare Kurt off. It's true, though. I am falling in love with him.

But Kurt only beamed and gave him a knowing look and stole a quick kiss before whispering against his lips. "I'm falling in love with you too, you know."