Blaine Anderson, what the fuck did you just do? Kurt is my kryptonite. It's official. I crumbled in front of him. That was something that I promised myself I would never do. Ever. Now he is going to find the cracks in my shell and peel each layer off one by one until he sees the real me. And I cannot, for any means, let that happen. But...it felt good. No. It felt amazing-being able to open up...almost...open up. I was able to hint about my life. I was able to...consider telling him. And out of everyone in this hell hole town, I know that he would be the one that I would be okay with knowing my secrets. I know that I can't tell him. I know that I shouldn't tell him, that I, can't, tell him...but oh God do I want to.

The way that his eyes bore into me. The way that his eyes lit up when he noticed me sitting next to him. For a minute, before his face contoured into a look of fear...there was something else there. I can't put a finger on it...it appeared as if...maybe, he liked me. Maybe. I don't know how he would be able to. Liking me would mean forgiving me first, and I am certain that there is no way that he is going to be able to do that when I try..no matter how much it hurts me...to make his life a living hell.

Damn it! Why the hell am I so fucking selfish! I'm hurting him. I'm hurting Kurt. Beautiful, loving, perfect, Kurt. And for what? To protect myself. But I would be protecting myself from what I do to him everyday. Slushies, being shoved into lockers, disapproving glares...

But there is one thing that Kurt doesn't have to deal with that I would. His father was accepting. The polar opposite of what my father would be. I would be beaten, thrown out, cut off, if not nearly killed. Kurt's dad accepted him. My dad wouldn't. Ever. There is no changing his mind about that and that, that is something that I happen to know for a fact.

There are about three things that I am certain of...1) I am hopelessly in love with Kurt Hummel. 2) There is no way that my dad would be okay with that. 3) I can never tell Kurt how I feel.

All three of those things have made my life a hundred times more difficult. And now, I have to fight against my feelings for Kurt everyday at detention and during our English project. Fuck! Our English project!

More time with Kurt. Shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's good to see that you are on time today, Mr. Anderson." Mr. Jackson walked to the front of the room, a pack of papers in his hands.

"I'm sorry about yesterday..." I whispered to Kurt. He looked back at me, his face full of understanding. But I could also tell that this wasn't the end...it was far from the end. I was sure that he was going to ask me qusetions later.

"Mr. Anderson!" My head shot up. I realized that I had completely zoned out.

"Yeah...?" I responded. Mr. Jackson was far from pleased.

"Care to tell us how far you and Kurt are on your project?"

"Oh. The project. Right. Yeah..." I looked over to Kurt to help me out.

"Mr. Jackson. If I may?" Kurt interjected, lifting his pale hand from his desk.

Mr. Jackson nodded, allowing Kurt to answer for me.

"We have had detention. The detention that you gave us, in fact. So finding time for the project has been a little tricky at the moment as you could imagine. But I promise you that we will schedule a time to meet and work on this."

"Kurt...you deserved the detention so I do expect you to find time. In fact. Make it a priority."

"Yes sir."

I could see by the look on Kurt's face that he was panicking. He didn't want to do this project with me. But I wanted to do it with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey." I was standing with my back against Kurt's locker.

"Hey. What do you want?" He obviously was not in the mood to talk to me.

"Okay...so I guess we aren't trying to be civil here..."

"Isn't that what you want, Blaine? We can't be friends so let's not pretend that we are. Wouldn't want people getting the wrong idea."

"Kurt. We are partners you know."

"Believe me...I am well aware."

"Which means..."

"...That we are going to have to find time to meet up. Yes. I know."

"Okay. So when?"

"Tomorrow? We can meet at the Lima Bean after detention?"

"Okay. Fair enough." I wanted him to say that we were going to be going to his house. Where his parents wouldn't be for a while. Where we could...

But we can't.

"Okay. Well, if you don't mind. I have to pack my bag. I'll see you in detention."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing eventful happened in detention. We weren't able to talk since Mr. Jackson decided that he was going to monitor for that afternoon. We both took the seats from the day before. All I could think about was what I was going to tell him at the Lima Bean.

The words have been going around my head all day. I'm gay. It would be one of the shortest sentences out there. I could only imagine his reaction. Would he be mad? Would he think that it was my way of making fun of him? Would he be excited? Would he understand? Would he help me? Would we...fall in love?

By the time that the day ended...my mind was made up. It was far too risky. Maybe if I hinted at it...then it wouldn't come as such a surprise when I did tell him.

When I did tell him...I was really going to do this. I was going to tell this boy that I had only known for a couple weeks secrets that I have been keeping for years. Secrets that I never thought would escape the inner confines of my lips.

But not yet. I have to work up that trust. We have to at least be able to be civil. But it won't be trust on my part that has to be built. He has to be able to trust me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey..." I took a seat next to Kurt when I entered the room, prepared for another long hour of detention.

"What are you doing?" He was obviously confused as to why I was choosing to sit near him.

"Sitting next to you."

"But...why?"

"Do you really want to sit up here all alone?"

"Yes."

"See...I know that you're lying."

"No...I'm...I'm not."

"Then why are you blushing?"

That was when Mrs. Resh entered the room.

"Blaine. Kurt. Nice to see you both, even if it isn't under the best of conditions.

We both nodded in response.

"Well. I assume that by now you both understand what you are to do and what you are not to do. Is that correct?"

Again we both nodded.

"Okay. Well. I expect you to be on your best behaviour. I don't want to be in here anymore than you do. I, however, have the ability to leave at my leisure. You. Do not. So, with that said, I'm going to my homeroom to grade some tests. I'll be back as soon as I finish."

And without anything else said, she left.

"Why do you hate me?" I turned to Kurt as soon as the door slammed shut.

"How is it not obvious?"

"But...I thought that we were past all of that?"

"I don't know how to get past it when I know that there is only going to be more to come."

"I...when I said what I said when we left...that wasn't what I...it wasn't how I meant it."

"Then how did you mean it, Blaine?"

"I...I...umm...can't tell you."

"Why the fuck not!"

And holy shit. There it was. If only he knew how hot it was when he cussed.

"It's a secret."

"What the...how old do you think we are Blaine?"

"Wha...If you knew...you would..."

"What? What would I do?"

"You would understand! Not all of us can have it as easy as you Hummel!"

"As eas...Blaine do you know how much shit I have been through? Do you even have the slightest knowledge of how close I came..."

"I didn't mean it..."

"Apparently there aren't a lot of things that you mean!"

"But there are a lot of things that I do mean, Kurt!"

"Name one, Blaine! One!"

"That I am sorry! I am honestly sorry for everything that I have done to you because you are right! No one should be put through that and I am sorry. Because I was doing it because I was selfish and I don't deserve your friendship or your forgiveness or anything from you because I have fucked up, Kurt. I have fucked up and I am sorry."

"Jesus Blaine. Calm down. You and I. We are from different worlds. And that's okay. We can pretend to be friends so that we can get through this year of English without failing completely. You can...beat me up...but...could you go a little easier?"

"Kurt...I don't want to..."

"But it seems like it is something that you need..."

"I need someone to know me..."

"Then let me...Blaine, let me know you."

"I..."

It had gone too far. This was way farther than I wanted this conversation to go...All I wanted was him to forgive me...for us to be able to maybe spark a friendship. I just wanted to be close to him. Then one day...down the road...tell him...everything. Then love him. That is all I want to do for the rest of my life. Love this boy until every bad memory that was caused by ignorant people not loving him or accepting had vanished.

I want him to save me. But more importantly...I want to save him.