"Can I go up to my room?" Kurt said, a little more venom in his voice than he had originally intended. Burt, carol, and Finn looked at him astonished. It was like they expected him to stay in their line of vision forever. "I'm not going to try anything; I just need time to think." Burt looked like Kurt had just asked if he could try slicing his arm open again, Finn looked on the verge of tears, as if this was the last time he was seeing Kurt, while carol was looking incredibly care worn. Kurt raised his eyebrows lazily, not bothering to fake a smile.

"okay." Said Burt looking like he was trying to hide the terror in his eyes. "But Kurt please keep the door open." It was strange hearing his father say please rather than making it a command.

Kurt turned on his heels and made his way slowly up the stairs. He felt extremely ghost like, a feeling that reminded him of a time in his childhood. The night after his mother's funeral while Burt was making dinner, Kurt had sneaked into his mother and fathers, now just fathers, bedroom. It had been strange, like walking inside a dream, live visiting a ghost. Kurt had that feeling once again as he walked up to his room. Half of him expected to see his own dead body lying by the window, drenched in blood. But as Kurt slowly opened his bedroom door and looked inside, he saw there was no dead body, or even a trace of blood. He saw one of his rugs was missing, guessing it must have gotten stained red. Kurt's room looked neat and tidy as always, the only trace that something had changed being the absent white rug and the overly clean floor by the window. Though little seemed to have changed, Kurt still had that feeling he had felt when walking into his dead mother's room. He thought this must be what it felt like to visit a childhood home one had long since left behind. Like visiting a memory.

Kurt sat tentatively on the corner of his bed, staring at the chair by the window. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be a ghost, to feel that everything around you is made of memory rather than matter. As he stared at the chair, he remembered that feeling of sinking into oblivion. Kurt had felt death, had brushed its warm fingertips and danced on voices of unknown souls. Maybe it was in his head, or maybe those voices really were murmurs from the lips of those who had died. Kurt wanted to hear them again, wanted to know what they had said. He moved his gaze to his left desk drawer.

Kurt got up and sat down at his desk, feeling afraid. He reached slowly into the desk drawer, like recovering a long lost prized possession, and took out a small candle. Carefully, feeling like he was handling a fragile ornament, Kurt turned the candle upside down and removed the bottom that he had cut out days before, revealing the hallowed out center. Kurt had made this small secret hiding place a few days before his suicide attempt, it was obviously homemade by the jagged edges of the inside where Kurt had used a knife to hallow out the candle. Carefully stuffed inside that little hiding place were 2 small razor blades, looking, like everything else, ghostly. Kurt carefully picked up the razor and looked at it. He thought of all the possibilities this small piece of metal contained. A small patch of skin was visible on Kurt's left wrist, right under his hand. He carefully took the blade and pressed it against his skin. It did not break the skin, he would have to move the razor for that to happen, but it did sting, he could feel the blade so close to penetrating his wrist, but then withdrew it. The path of skin now had a thin indent splayed across it. It was strange for Kurt how pain felt oddly sweet. Though it didn't hurt any bit less than if he were someone else, and though it was still unpleasant, it had a nice taste to it, sending small jolts of giddiness to his stomach. It was comparable to sucking on a lemon, though sour and unpleasant; there was that sweet taste behind the sour. Kurt lowered the blade back to his skin again, wanting to feel that jolt of giddiness in his stomach, and was just about to move the blade slightly to draw blood when Blaine came running into the room.

"Kurt!" he yelled, forcing the blade out of Kurt's hand and staring at him in terror.

Kurt had no idea how he not heard Blaine coming up the stairs. Was he so involved in that moment with his razor that his mind didn't process such crucial sounds? He stared at Blaine who now had tears falling slowly down his cheeks and was looking much like he did the night he saw Kurt in the hospital room. He looked manic. Then Kurt was crying again. Much like he had that first night in the hospital, except this time he had absolutely no idea why. He had no idea where the sobs and tears were coming from, yet they kept getting stronger and stronger. Kurt felt Blaine help him onto the bed, lay him down, and then wrap his arms around Kurt lovingly. Kurt sat crying, having that overwhelming feeling he was a child again. He was a child crying over loud thunder, his mother cradling him in her arms. His mother's arms that could protect Kurt from anything, those arms that could never protect him again. At this Kurt felt naked and vulnerable, a sitting duck. His mother's arms could not protect him from the evil words, from the fierce punches and hateful glares. The sobs were somehow becoming faster and harder, while Blaine's grip around his was becoming tighter. Kurt could hear, from what seemed a long way away, deep sobs coming from the boy who lay with him. Blaine's arms were around him, and their presence felt like safety to Kurt, the shadow of a feeling Kurt hadn't experienced in over 9 years.

They cried together for what felt like hours, only sitting up minutes after each of their tears had died away. They sat criss crossed across from each other, the only physical contact between them being the hands holding tightly together.

"What were you doing Kurt?" said Blaine in a cracking voice.

"I just, I just wanted to feel it, I wasn't going to…you know." Kurt said, his eyes firmly on their interlocked fingers.

"But I thought, I thought it was getting better." Said Blaine, looking like his words were about to throw him into a fit of tears again.

"Better? What's better?" Kurt said, his voice gaining volume as he spoke. "What's getting better Blaine? I still have to go to school to face people who think I'm better off dead! I still have to see the glares of people who see me as nothing more than a pervert! I'm still gay! The only thing that has changed is now everyone knows my feelings and that only makes it worse Blaine, not better!" Kurt was angry now. What did everyone think? Did they think he would just wake up in the hospital and say oh well, that didn't work. Guess I'll just be all fine and dandy now, sorry bout that. Did they really think his suicidal feelings would just vanish when he found himself alive?

"We know your secret Kurt. And we want to be there for you, we want to help you. Isn't that something to be happy about?" Blaine said in barely a whisper, looking teary eyed again. "Kurt when I met you, you were a wreck. You were lonely and you felt trapped, and all the time I thought I was watching you get better, you were really getting worse? I've seen you cry Kurt, and I never judged you or hurt you, and I never will. You may not have come to me before, but please, I'm here for you now, and I'm never going to go away until the day you force me out."

Kurt sat staring at Blaine for a while. He just didn't understand. Kurt wasn't sure what he didn't understand, but whatever it was, it made absolutely no sense. Blaine was saying he was there for Kurt, and that was confusing. Why was it confusing? It was quite straight forward really. And then a strange question popped into his head that answered why he was confused. There was one missing puzzle peace to what Blaine had said and Kurt wanted to know the answer.

"But why me Blaine?" Kurt said sounding genuinely confused. "Why me? Blaine you're attractive and nice and any guy would go for you, why would you be there for me? I'm just some doll faced kid who's so pathetic he tried to take his own life, why would you be there for me? What did I do to deserve that?"

This thought had never occurred to Blaine, though it seemed now it should have been obvious. Ever since Blaine had met him, Kurt had seemed to be the most amazing person on the planet. Kurt was perfect in Blaine's eyes, and the idea that Kurt himself would think any less was inconceivable. But now Blaine knew that Kurt didn't see himself as perfect, the bitchy comments and stuck up persona was all an act. Kurt was stronger than people gave him credit for. To make everyone around you believe the bullies words bounce right off you, while inside they ripped apart your self esteem until there was none left, must have taken all the strength he had.

"You're perfect in my eyes, Kurt." Said Blaine softly. Kurt looked up at Blaine, and then down again to their interlocked fingers. Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand tightly in reply.

You cannot love another until you love yourself, Blaine thought to himself. Kurt had to love himself, and Blaine made it his duty to make that happen.

O-O-O-O-O-O

Kurt's first day at school was a very tense one. Kurt had worn a thick long sleeve shirt to cover his bandages, and Finn had stood by him every second he could. Karofsky had shoved Kurt against the lockers when Finn wasn't looking, and when Finn saw what happen just about pounced on him until Sue arrived. Finn had seemed out of his mind after that incident and had given the evilest glare to anyone who showed any sign of dislike towards Kurt. Kurt didn't mind much, much preferring to stay locked up in his own head, ignoring as much as he could around him.

Finn on the other hand was paying enormous amounts of attention to every single thing that was happening around Kurt. While Kurt was in the hospital, Finn had thought a lot about life. He had seen the evil in the world and had seen with his own eyes the injustice of life. Finn knew now that there was no eternal justice, no compensation. It was every man for himself out there and that world had eaten Kurt alive, right before Finns eyes. Finn had seen Kurt diminish and had done nothing about it, but now Finn knew better. He was determined to protect Kurt from the injustice of the world; he was determined to protect Kurt from pain as much as he could, because he knew that he was the only one who could, the only one who would.

They had made it through the day with little problems; people seemed too scared of Finn to try anything. He had convinced Kurt to come to the glee club meeting in the hopes the sight of Mercedes and all his other friends might give him something to hang onto. Kurt didn't like being a charity case, but Finn had gotten all emotional which Kurt knew to mean this would help Finn feel better.

The final bell had rung and the halls of McKinley high had begun to fill with student either making their way out of the building or off to whatever activities they had planned. Kurt and Finn walked side by side on the way to the chorus room, Kurt looking zoned and Finn looking alert and dangerous. They had just turned the corner onto the hallway that held the chorus room when Karofsky came lumbering towards them, straight at Kurt, looking determined. Finn stood in front of Kurt who looked anxious, Burt Karofsky pushed him aside with such force that he had enough time to shove Kurt against the locket yelling "hey faggot! Haven't seen you in a while. Been cryin' at home like a nancy boy?" he mocked rubbing his eyes like a little child, a wide grin on his face.

Kurt didn't bother to put on a brave face; he had lost the ability to do that days ago. At the sight of Karofsky and random people in the gathering crowd laughing at him, Kurt just let his face contort into a look of anger. Before Kurt hand the opportunity to act on his anger however, Finn had lunged at Karofsky. It was amazing to Kurt how Finn, who was definitely smaller that Karofsky, managed to tackle him to the floor with apparent ease and start punching him in the face. It looked like puck wanted to help out, and so did Sam and mike, but Finn was in such a rage it caused the crowd to go still. Kurt saw the entire glee club was at the front of the queue. Finn started screaming at Karofsky, punches interrupting his words.

"You… Son… Of… A… bitch…! You think… you're better than Kurt… huh…? You… think you can just… torture someone until… they attempt suicide and get away… scot fucking free…!" the crowd went silent as every face in the crowd turned to Kurt with equal looks of shock. Kurt just kept his head down, feeling like he was standing at the bottom of an avalanche, face contorted with rage.

Coach Beaste and sue managed to fight through the crowd and, with great effort, pull Finn off the miraculously still conscious Karofsky. Sue dragged Finn and Karofsky by the ears towards the principal's office while coach Beaste tried to disperse the crowd. Kurt remained still, feeling the eyes of everyone who had heard Finns words on him. Everyone including every member of the glee club. Kurt rushed past everyone with his head down towards the chorus room and sat down in the far corner, hating what he was about to face. The glee club slowly came into the room, trying to catch glances at Kurt while still avoiding his eyes. No one was speaking, and when everybody had gotten their seats, nobody moved. Mercedes sat next to Kurt, and she knew Kurt too well to know that Finn was not lying, and that suicide was the reason why Kurt was in the hospital, and she had tears falling down her face.

Kurt didn't know what to think. He was furious that Finn had yelled his secret out to everyone like that, but he had been protecting Kurt. He had cared about Kurt so much that he was willing to get in a serious fight over Kurt's happiness. Fury was fighting gratitude, but fury was steadily winning.

Mr. Shue walked into the room looking concerned an anxious. "What happened guys, I heard something about Finn and Karofsky?"

The room stayed silent until Brittany spoke sounding oblivious and confused. "Well Karofsky called Kurt that bad name so Finn beat him up and said something about Kurt doing suicide, but I don't know what that is."

There was a collective intake of breathe from the room. Santana was staring at Brittany like she had just slapped her. Mr. Shue was looking shocked, staring from Brittany to Kurt, and then mouthing "oh my god."

Everyone was staring at Kurt again, and Kurt was just about ready to stand up and leave. "I don't know why everyone's staring at me, do you think I like being stared at or are you-"he broke off. He had raised his arm in annoyance and his sleeve had fallen slightly to reveal the bandages wrapped around his right arm that had small escaped trickles of blood slithering through the wrapping. Some had seen the bandages, while the ones who hadn't immediately understood, Kurt's hurry to pull his sleeve back down having given him away. Kurt got up with that overwhelming feeling he had had earlier of standing below an avalanche, and stormed out of the room.

The chorus room remained silent for minutes after Kurt had left. Mr. Shue was staring at the place where Kurt had left looking shocked and hurt, Mercedes and Tina doing the same but with tears cascading down their faces. Puck, Santana, and Sam were staring at their hands, looking as if they were trying to understand concepts beyond anything their minds were capable of. Rachel was curled up in her chair, arms wrapped around her legs. Though her face was buried in her knees, the fact that she was shaking gave away her crying.

No one went to comfort Kurt as he lay in the backseat of Finns truck crying, wishing for it all to end, wishing he had never woken up in that eerie hospital room, and wishing Blaine was here to take some of the pain away.