2014, still

"I hate myself."

Blaine tries not to scream.

"I hate myself for hating that Kurt is doing amazing. I hate myself because apparently I wasn't good enough to keep my family together. I hate myself because I don't fit into my pants anymore. I hate myself because all the progress I've made these past years have all been for nothing, because I don't feel safe anymore in this city. I hate that it made me realise I feel like I'm losing. I've felt like that ever since I got to New York.

I will never enter my second honeymoon period.

I should be happy. Kurt has been through a lot and he needed this confidence boost. And people praising him are right. What he did was exceptional. The guy Kurt saved thanked him in person and for a reason. And I know mom was unhappy with dad. I know he didn't always treat her right.

Really, I should be happy for Kurt. My amazing, loving, courageous fiancé.

But why?

Why me?

Why does he love me?

I feel like that balance between us has completely changed. I hate myself for wanting to be better than Kurt, because we should be equal.

But how can we be equal when Kurt is that and I am, well, I am this?

One day he's gonna wake up and realise that he's too good for me. One day he's gonna wake up and he's going to realise that he doesn't love me anymore.

Good thing I don't have to stay at the loft anymore.

I hate myself."