June 11, 2022, 2:18 p.m.
Mendacious: Exacerbate
T - Words: 3,582 - Last Updated: Jun 11, 2022 Story: Complete - Chapters: 31/31 - Created: Jun 11, 2022 - Updated: Jun 12, 2022 215 0 0 0 0 Warnings: Internalised homophobia
Kurt’s frozen, sitting on his bed. He’s watching the words appear on his screen, but it’s almost as if his mind can’t fully process what he’s reading. Kurt has no idea how long he’s been staring mindlessly at his screen, but another message arrives.
Blaine Anderson: Please, say something.
Eddie Andrews: I’m not sure I understand.
Eddie Andrews: You want to be flamboyant?
Eddie Andrews: If so, what’s stopping you?
Blaine Anderson: Everything.
Blaine Anderson: What I’m trying to say is that
I looked down on Kurt for the wrong reasons.
Blaine Anderson: I thought I hated him, but
I actually hate myself or what I’ve become.
Blaine Anderson: And that realisation
messed me up big time.
Blaine Anderson: Fuck.
Eddie Andrews: I still don’t understand.
Eddie Andrews: What do you mean with
you’ve been in his shoes?
Maybe even worse?
Blaine Anderson: I was like that.
I was the guy with the girls who saw
me as the GBF. I loved fashion.
I read all Vogue magazines in my dorm room.
And I was happy.
Blaine Anderson: And then a lot
of bad stuff happened. One led
to the other and everything only
seemed to exacerbate the situation.
Blaine Anderson: And for a long time I blamed
my gayness for it. I didn’t go back into
the closet or anything, but I definitely changed
myself when I got to McKinley.
Blaine Anderson: I held myself differently. I dressed
differently. I acted differently.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt doesn’t do that.
He’s so unapologetically gay
and he gets a lot of shit for it.
Blaine Anderson: And I know I sound like an
asshole already, and trust me when I tell
you that I never believed that he deserved the
bullying and homophobia more. No one does.
Blaine Anderson: But I did look down on him,
because why would he willingly do this
to himself? It’s so easy to not be a
walking gay stereotype.
After all, I did it.
Blaine Anderson: Yeah, he got bullied and yeah,
it was bad and terrible and he didn’t deserve it,
but can you blame the jocks for taking a piss?
Blaine Anderson: That’s why I also never
talked to him before today.
I didn’t want to be associated with him.
Blaine Anderson: Like yeah, I’m gay, but I’m not like that.
Blaine Anderson: Was I naïve for thinking that
the bullying would stop if I would just act
differently? I mean, it stopped for me,
but now I’m giving others free reign
to pick on people who are not like me.
Blaine Anderson: I hope I’m making sense.
I know what I want to say, but I’m a mess.
Blaine Anderson: Kurt would walk around with his head
held high, wearing his “ridiculous” clothes,
that are actually very fashionable, and for a
while I thought me might’ve looked down on me,
since I happened to have it all.
When reading that, Kurt feels the guilt overwhelm him, because Blaine is right. He does look down on Blaine for that reason. And it showed.
But… can you blame Kurt? Blaine points it out himself. It’s understandable that Kurt thought of Blaine that way.
Blaine Anderson: But now I realise he’s probably
walking around like he owns the place, because
he has to. The place constantly tries to tear him down.
Blaine Anderson: And when that homophobic attack
happened to me and I stood there and I realised
that I succeeded (as in people treated me differently),
I just realised how unfair it is.
Blaine Anderson: I never hated him.
Blaine Anderson: He just has the
courage that I don’t have.
Blaine Anderson: He doesn’t have to hide himself.
Blaine Anderson: And I wish I could do that.
Blaine Anderson: Again, sorry for unloading this on you.
Blaine Anderson: I can imagine that
you’re disgusted by me.
Blaine Anderson: I just don’t have
anyone else to talk to.
Blaine Anderson: You’re my only friend.
That sentence hits like a gut punch.
Eddie Andrews: Can I ask you
what happened?
Eddie Andrews: What changed you?
Silence.
Blaine Anderson: …
More silence.
Then, Kurt sees that Blaine’s typing again.
Blaine Anderson: I told you my transfer was
a punishment, right?
Eddie Andrews: I remember that.
Blaine Anderson: I think it’s finally time
to tell someone why.