July 4, 2023, 2:07 p.m.
Ljubim te: Roomy
T - Words: 1,622 - Last Updated: Jul 04, 2023 Story: Complete - Chapters: 24/24 - Created: Dec 01, 2022 - Updated: Jul 15, 2023 196 0 0 0 0 Warnings (Story): Internalised homophobia
Quinn knows Blaine better than any other person, so of course she picked up on the awkwardness.
“What was that?” Quinn asks the moment Kurt’s out of sight, “You ghosted him too?”
“Look, Quinn, I can explain.”
“You better! I have given you space, Blaine. I haven’t said anything about what happened when you ghosted me, because I do not want to push you. I want you to talk to me when you’re ready, but come on. I know you. I know when you put on a fake smile and the way you acted when we had dinner with Kurt was fake.”
When Blaine doesn’t say anything, Quinn goes on.
“And I saw you from inside of the shop. I don’t know what you two talked about, but I saw the way you looked at him.”
Fuck.
“It’s not- That was…” Blaine is looking for what to say, but Quinn didn’t specify what she saw exactly. Maybe she isn’t talking about the besotted look on Blaine’s face.
Blaine didn’t want it to happen, he swears! He was going to tell Kurt that the kiss meant nothing, but being so close to him again made his brain go mushy.
Because the kiss did mean something. Blaine wanted it. Fuck, he wants Kurt. Even while watching him leave, he couldn’t stop looking at him, because he looks so good. Blaine still wants Kurt, but he can’t have him.
“Talk to me, Blaine. What happened between you two?”
Blaine is running through excuses in his head, but Quinn is staring right into his soul. This is his girlfriend. This is his best friend. She can see through his bullshit, but Blaine can still try to lie.
He doesn’t want to lie to her, but what else can he do? He can’t be with Kurt. He’s with Quinn. That’s how it is.
Suddenly, Quinn’s eyes widen.
“Oh.”
Blaine frowns. Why does Quinn look as if she’s realised something big? She takes a step away from Blaine, but he reaches out to her.
“What?” Blaine asks, because he’s genuinely confused.
“You… and him…” Quinn says quietly.
Blaine freezes. He can feel his heart speed up and his cheeks turn red. Fuck. There is no way he can hide this reaction.
“Are you two a couple?” Quinn sounds on the verge of a breakdown.
“No!”
“Really?” her eyes fill with tears.
“I swear. We’re not- We didn’t- Well, I kissed him, but I just told him it wasn’t- It was a mistake!”
There. He said it. It was only a kiss, but he still cheated on her.
Quinn lets out a mix between a laugh and a sob and Blaine’s suddenly very aware of the fact that they’re in a public park, but Quinn is teary and he cares about her, despite everything. He can’t dwell on the people around him. He holds her hands, and she lets him.
“Quinn…”
“Do you want to be with me?” she asks and her lip trembles. Blaine feels like shit.
“Quinn-”
“Yes or no.”
The answer is no. Blaine knows the answer is no. It’s so clear to him now. He didn’t know what it was like to feel what he feels for Kurt. He didn’t know what he was missing until he met him. He’s never ever felt this way about Quinn.
He can’t deny it. He’s in love with Kurt. He’s tried to ignore it, or to play it down, or push it away, but he can’t.
The silence already says enough.
“Quinn.”
Blaine leans his forehead against her head. She doesn’t push him away. Instead, she squeezes his hands.
“Do you want to be with… him?” she asks. She sounds defeated, but not devastated. Blaine is waiting for her to fully break down, but instead she seems calmer, so he wonders if this is a trick question.
“I can’t.”
“Yes or no,” Quinn says again.
“Yes,” Blaine says without hesitation.
Quinn sucks in a breath. It’s silent for a few moments. The two of them stand together, heads resting on each other, hand in hand.
Then, Quinn surprises him by asking: “Why can’t you be with him?”
Blaine’s so taken aback that he looks up. Quinn does too and she has a determined look on her face. Blaine searches her face for a trace of sadness or resentment, but it isn’t there. And he knows her. He knows when she’s putting on a mask, the same way she can see Blaine’s.
“I just can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because… because this is how it’s supposed to be,” he says and he squeezes her hands, “This. Us. We are best friends, we have been together for over a year, we live together. I’m going to follow my dad’s footsteps, you’re going to become a CEO of your dream company and we’ll be together. We’ll get married, move to a roomy house in the suburbs and have kids.”
Quinn hangs her head.
This was their plan.
He never really gave to much thought about it. It was a good plan, and all he has to do is follow along. He and Quinn seemed fine with it.
That’s why he can’t be gay. That doesn’t fit into the picture.
Blaine remembers what Kurt said.
Blaine doesn’t mind gay people, but he minds the idea of him being gay. He can’t be. He’s had his entire life mapped out and that included a marriage with Quinn. Everyone’s always made clear that that’s what they expect. Friends, family… they are all so happy for Blaine and Quinn, so Blaine accepted it. Blaine’s life was already filled with expectations. It was easier to not think about how he constantly wanted the attention of his male best friend in middle school, or how he wondered what it was like to kiss a guy when Nick and Jeff got together in high school, or how he got distracted by one guy from his Communications class at Yale, or how he always shied away from his queer colleagues when they started talking about Pride.
There are so many things that have been buried in the back of Blaine’s memories. Blaine didn’t want to understand it.
But then he moved to Ljubljana and he let himself think about things he’s always pushed away. Because even now, when he says it out loud like this, he realises that he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want to be with Quinn.
He’s gay.
He’s never fallen in love with Quinn. Instead, he’s fallen into this relationship with her.
But this relationship is the foundation of his life and he’s afraid of letting it shatter. He’s gay, sure, but that means that he was gay all this time and he was okay with pushing it away. He doesn’t want to be with Quinn, but they can make it work anyway.
Right?
“Blaine,” Quinn says kindly, “I think you need to follow your heart.”
“But-”
“I love you,” Quinn says, but she sounds uncertain, “I want you to be happy.”
Blaine tilts his head in confusion. What is she talking about?
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asks, afraid.
Quinn nods.
And this is what he meant.
He can feel himself go numb. It’s as if his entire life is being uprooted and cut into pieces. He’s drenched in panic, and he tightens his grip on Quinn’s hands.
“But…But…”
“Blaine, you’re not in love with me,” she says, still sounding defeated, “It’s not fair to either of us to keep this going.”
She frees herself from Blaine’s grip, so that she can cup his face. For a moment, Blaine wonders if Quinn’s going to kiss him again, just to try one last time, but she doesn’t.
“Look at me. You can agree that this isn’t right. This is not what we want. You want to be with him.”
Blaine nods. She’s right.
“I think we’ve been so stuck in the idea of what others want of us, but I think-” her breath hitches “-I think we just want to be happy.”
Blaine wants to fight her. He wants to make her see that this is a bad idea.
But he can’t think of any reasons to disagree.
“What- What happens now, Quinnie?” Blaine asks, fearfully and defeated. He’s trembling. Everything’s changed in such a small moment and he doesn’t know what to do.
“Calm down. That’s a first,” Quinn says and Blaine tries to match her demeanour. How can she be so calm and reasonable? Her life is being uprooted as well.
Quinn puts her other hand on Blaine’s face as well and together they wait for Blaine to calm down. It’s hard, but Quinn is right.
“Now, get on that bus and go after him.”
Blaine’s jaw drops to the ground.
Quinn just broke up with him and she’s telling him to go after Kurt?
What is happening?
Quinn can see the confusion across Blaine’s face, so she gives him a smile.
“It’s fine, Blaine. It really is. I lo-” she coughs, “I want you to be happy, so get going!”
She lets go of him and comedically pushes him in the direction of the bus station. Blaine’s mind is still trying to catch up with everything, but his legs start moving.
“Quinn…” he trials off. There’s so much left unsaid. He loves her, he truly does, but as a friend. That’s all that it ever was.
Quinn nods knowingly, and Blaine has her blessing.
He stops her pushing so that he can give her a big hug.
“Go,” she whispers.
And so he does. He runs towards the bus station, leaving Quinn and his old life behind. It’s terrifying. Blaine’s absolutely scared shitless, but Quinn is right.
Blaine also wants to be happy.