Chapter 4 – The Ghost Of You

Thanks to you, I've lost my touch

I struggle to find the sense in making sense

And giving a semblance of a fuck

-

Thanks To You by All Time Low

October

Blaine couldn't help but feel excitement as he slid into his seat. It was second period English. The only class he had with Kurt. Since the meeting Kurt told him about, the skank had been attending almost every English class. Some days he may show up halfway through the class reeking of smoke, but he still came.

It was Monday. Two days of not seeing Kurt drove Blaine crazy. Granted, since that one Friday in September, he and Kurt hadn't hung out again. A lot of days the only interaction the two even had was the daily smirk Kurt gave him and Blaine's blush right afterwards. The odd day Kurt would compliment Blaine's ass...Blaine didn't have a crush on Kurt. That's not what his infatuation is about. It's the mystery of Kurt that draws Blaine to him and how Blaine could help him.

The bell rang and Kurt had yet to show up. The nerd didn't think much of it, considering Kurt would miss half the class a lot of times anyways. His teacher droned on about King Lear, what had to be the driest Shakespeare play of them all. Ten minutes till the end of class and Kurt still hadn't come. Maybe he was sick.

"Okay class, listen up. I'm handing out your SLTs. These are worth ten percent of your final grade. They're due on February 4th. That gives you five months." Ms. Hanley explained while handing out the thick assignment package. "You may choose your own partner, however choose carefully. Make sure they are dedicated students. After you have paired up come and tell me your partner."

The class broke into talking about whom their partner was going to be. Blaine looked around the room. No one even glanced in his direction.

He'd have to work alone...unless...

Blaine got up and made his way to his English teacher. "Excuse me, Ms. Hanley? I'll be Kurt's partner."

The English teacher looked up at him. "Blaine, Kurt is not a reliable student. You can work alone or I can assign you a group of three."

He shook his head. "No really, I want to."

Ms. Hanley sighed. "Fine, but if he's not doing his fair share don't come whining to me."

***

From: Blaine

Hey Kurt. We got our SLTs in English today. We were partnered together; I have your instruction package.

Blaine left his phone on his side table before making his way downstairs. He and his mom had it down to a routine by now. His mom would come home from work and prepared dinner alone, Blaine would come and set the table. They would then eat dinner together; sometimes his father would make it home for dinner on time, lately though that was getting less and less often.

"Hi mom." Blaine said quietly as he set two places. Making sure the utensils were in the correct order and perfectly straight like his mother liked them to be. "Is dad coming home for supper tonight?"

Carla Anderson sighed before setting down the large knife she was using. "No, I don't think so. We are extremely busy at work right now."

Blaine nodded knowing that it wasn't the true reason but he didn't say anything. The rest of the table being set was done in silence. Sitting down in his spot her turned to look at his mother. He watched her as she scraped the last few red peppers onto the salad. She was beautiful; her dark curly hair framed her round face. The bright kitchen made his mom's skin glow and her Philippine roots gave her a small and delicate frame. Which Blaine knew was nothing like her personality. She was strong and defiant, even his father followed her orders perfectly as not to upset her. Her face that usually held a confident, fierce look was sad. If Blaine looked closely he could see the worry lines on her forehead that were not as prominent a year ago and the bags under her eyes that never seemed to go away. They weren't bad, but to him they were noticeable. And her dark beautiful eyes only possessed a sad and defeated look as she glanced at her son.

She finally sat and they said a quick grace. "So how was school? Are you keeping up in your classes? Are you doing well?" His mom asked looking worriedly at her son.

He swallowed the spoonful of potatoes he had in his mouth. "School's fine. Yeah I'm keeping up; yeah I'm doing well. These classes are jokes compared to Dalton."

His mother nodded. "Good. How's your mood been?"

Blaine sighed setting down his fork. "Mom...it's been fine."

"I'm glad. Don't give me that attitude, I can't risk losing you." She said quietly. Blaine looked at his plate guiltily. "Don't forget you have your appointment with Dr. Hardin tonight at six."

"I haven't. It's the highlight of my week." He said sarcastically, to which his mother gave a small chuckle. "Are you coming to this one?"

"Did she say I have to? With this party coming up I need to start planning it." Carla looked conflicted.

His mother had been throwing a huge party at the start of November since Cooper was five years old. All of his parents work was invited; it was pretty much to show off what a great life they had. He was forced to talk to all the daughters and charm all the adults. It was where he had met William Merricks, his boyfriend from Dalton. Shaking the thoughts of Will out of his head he focused his attention back to his mom.

"No, I guess you don't have to come. Everything's been fine anyways so it's not that important." Blaine finished his dinner.

His mom pulled out her phone and checked a message. "Okay. Tell her I'd like to set up a family appointment very soon. Just to go over a few things and check where we are."

He collected his plate and his mother's. "Alright, will do." He kissed the top of her head before placing the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Love you Blaine." She called from the table.

He smiled. "Love you too mom." He ran back to his room to check his phone and brush his teeth before his psychologist appointment.

From: Kurt

Oh, looks like the fates have spoken. Thanks for picking up my stuff; I was sick.

He smiled; sure he had picked Kurt to be his partner. But if the skank knew that he'd never open up to Blaine.

From: Blaine

You're welcome. Feel better soon. Bye.

Checking the time he realized he was going to be late. Quickly brushing his teeth and grabbing his keys and book he ran out to his car.

***

"Hi, how have you been?" Dr. Hardin asked.

Dr. Hardin had been Blaine's psychologist for three months. She looked a lot like Kristen Stewart when she was blonde.

"I've been good." Blaine replied. He learned within the first few sessions never to ask how she's doing in return. Dr. Hardin wasn't asking out of politeness.

"Anything happen?" She asked brightly.

He thought of the past week. The only exciting thing was being Kurt's partner for English. "No, it was just a regular week."

"How's glee club?" What's the assignment this week?" She asked.

"Glee is as crazy as ever. And we are doing a tribute to David Bowie, so we have to perform one of his songs." Blaine answered.

"Have you picked a song yet?" This was how all the sessions went, the questions seemed pointless but they revealed a lot about how he was feeling.

"Yeah, As The World Falls Down." Blaine wasn't a huge David Bowie fan, but after Mr. Schue gave them the assignment he established a love for his music.

"I'm a huge Bowie fan, so luckily I know what song you're talking about. Why did you choose that one?" She asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know." And he really didn't, he just liked the lyrics.

"Hm. Have you talked to Kurt this week?" Dr. Hardin asked.

Blaine blushed, he had been keeping her up to date about every time they interacted. "Well he wasn't at school today however we have a huge project in English that requires partners. I picked him as my partner."

"Why?"

Blaine scratched at his wrist. "Well because no one else wanted to be my partner."

"Is that the only reason? Or do you have feelings for him?" She asked raising her eyebrow.

He went even more red. "Okay, there's another reason. But I don't have feelings for him. He just seems like he's hurting, and I want to try and help him and get him to open up."

Dr. Hardin studied Blaine for a few moments. "He may not want your help. You should be focusing on stabilizing your mental health before trying to help his. We can't have you go downhill again."

He sighed. "I know. But I also know what it's like to feel so alone."

"You're heart is too big Blaine." She laughed. "Just be careful."

"I promise." Blaine wanted to know what Kurt's backstory was. Not the one from Mercedes or Tina or Rachel. He wanted to know why Kurt dropped everything to become a skank. Kurt was hurting, he knew he was and he could help him. His mother always called him a lover and a helper, said it was in his nature.

"Last week you mentioned how you're feeling anxious about your mother's party because of Will. Have you found out if he's going to be attending? And if he does, what do you plan on doing?" Dr. Hardin watched as Blaine's expression went from calm to tense.

"I don't know if he's coming. But my parents know nothing that happened between us. No one even knows he's gay. I guess I'll just try to avoid him." Blaine shrugged. "There's not much I can do, I have to attend."

Dr. Hardin nodded. "What will you do to stop the urges you may experience by seeing him again?"

"What I usually do; sing, write, work out." Blaine didn't want to admit that those probably wouldn't help.

"Well it's good you thought about this." She looked to the book that was sitting next to him. "What book are you reading this week?"

Every week he read a different book, and every week she would ask him about it. "Oh it's another one by Ned Vizzini. It's called, It's Kind Of A Funny Story."

Dr. Hardin smiled. "Is that a movie?"

"Yeah. It's the one where the kid gets admitted to the adult psych ward." Blaine explained.

"Ah yes. I've seen that one; it's good. How's the book compared to the movie?" She asked.

"Really different. But both are very good." Blaine said fidgeting with the book.

"Okay, well our time is almost up. I just want to ask the standard questions." Dr. Hardin took a sip of her water. "How's your mood? On a scale of one to ten. One being the happiest you've ever been, and ten being so low you need to be admitted to the hospital immediately."

Blaine was use to these questions, she asked them every week. "I guess I'm around a four."

"Okay, not awesome but better than a month ago." She nodded. "How are the suicidal thoughts? Any in the past week?"

"No. I haven't had any in a long time." He smiled.

"That's great. How about self-harm? Have you self-harmed recently? Or had any urges?" She asked.

He took a shaky breath. "I haven't self-harmed recently. But it's getting harder not to everyday."

"And why is that?" Dr. Hardin asked.

"I don't know. I should be happy. I have wealthy parents who care about me. I have a huge circle of friends; I'm doing well in school. I don't have any reason to want to." He said quietly.

"We've discussed this before. You don't have to have a crappy life to be in your situation. You have depression; feeling like this is to be expected. I can recommend you to a psychiatrist, they will be able to give you medication to help with the depression." She turned around to her desk and opened a drawer.

"No, no. I don't want to be on medication." Blaine said quickly. "I guess just with this party coming up, and the whole thought of seeing Will again is triggering my anxiety and depression."

"Take this form anyways. If you decide you would like to try medication I'll pass it along." She handed him two sheets of paper. "And I really think you should try talking to your parents about this party. You could even have them come here, and we can all discuss it."

He smiled. "I'm okay. If it gets worse I will but right now I can deal with it."

"Okay. You still have the card I gave you with the crisis lines on it, right?" Dr. Hardin asked.

"Yeah, I do." Blaine said while getting up.

"Good. Don't be afraid to call them. Or call me if you aren't doing well, we can set up another appointment, if a week is too long to go in between." She said rolling around and sitting at her desk.

"I will. Also my mom wants to set up a family appointment soon." He remembered his mother's request just before he left.

"Tell her I will have Deborah call and set up a time that works with everyone." Dr. Hardin put on her glasses and turned to the folder on her desk. "Have a good week Blaine."

"You too." He said before leaving. Walking out to the waiting area he flashed Deborah, the middle-aged sectary a smile. "Have a good evening."

"You too Blaine." She sang out.