Saturday the 11th of February 2012

"That was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced!" Kurt exclaimed as they entered Blaine's room.

They had just gotten back from where they stayed at a hotel the night before, after the Lady GaGa-concert Blaine had bought tickets for before Christmas.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Blaine said as he put his bag down on his desk. "I had really fun too, even though I prefer Katy Perry."

"Why am I not surprised?" Kurt rolled his eyes but smiled, sitting down in the armchair.

Blaine laughed and picked their tickets out of his bag. He tacked them to the cork-board above his desk and smiled.

Kurt had been like a child on Christmas Day at the concert. He had smiled and laughed, jumped up and down while singing along to all the songs. And Blaine had fallen even more for Kurt, even though the swelling of his heart also brought on a pain in his chest. He had to tell him. It was now or never. Or now or later, at least. But he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Kurt?" he said quietly, sitting down on his bed.

"Yes?" Kurt smiled curiously at him.

"Come here."

Kurt stood and walked over to Blaine, sitting down on the bed beside him. Blaine moved closer and took one of Kurt's hands in his own. Kurt was still watching him curiously so he took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something."

"Do tell."

"We've been spending a lot of time together since you came to Dalton, and I have had so much fun. You are easily my best friend, we talk about everything. When you sang that song to your mother I realized something." Kurt was still just looking at him, less curiously now and more worriedly. "I'm in love with you, Kurt."

Kurt gasped a little and his eyes flickered away from Blaine's eyes, to their joined hands instead. Blaine squeezed his hand. "It's okay if you don't like me that way back, but I just couldn't stand holding it in any longer."

Kurt was quiet for a long while, and Blaine felt like he was now holding Kurt's hand like it was a lifeline. He was afraid of what would happen if he let go. "Kurt, please say something." Blaine pleaded in a small voice, making Kurt look up and meet his eyes again.

"Blaine, I-" Kurt began, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a second. "I'm in love with you too."

Blaine smiled. He hadn't felt this happy since the first time he laid eyes on his little sister when his parents brought her home from the hospital. "Will you be my boyfriend, Kurt?" Blaine said hopefully, grinning even though his heart was racing.

"No."

Blaine just blinked. He didn't say anything. He didn't move. He didn't breathe.

"I can't, Blaine." Kurt said and removed his hand from Blaine's grasp. This was the most painful thing Kurt had been forced to do in his life. Going against all of his feelings wasn't going to be easy. But he had to, for Blaine's sake. "I'm dead!" he said a bit more forcefully and stood, taking a step away from the boy he was so madly in love with.

"I don't care!" Blaine suddenly exclaimed, standing too. "I don't care! I just want to be happy. And you make me feel happy every day."

Kurt felt a tear slide down his cheek, and he had to take another step back as Blaine stepped forward and reached his hand out in an attempt to brush it away. "Someone else will make you happy. Someone who is alive."

"I don't want someone else. I want to be with you."

"I would love to be allowed to call you my boyfriend. But I can't let you settle for me! You can find someone who is just as good as me, better even. And you can live together until you get old and die. Together."

"I don't want to." Blaine whispered, taking another step closer to Kurt while wiping a tear off his own cheek.

"I should go." Kurt mumbled and lifted his chin slightly into the air, another tear sliding down his face.

"Go? Where?"

"I don't know. Just away. You need some space to think." Kurt said and turned toward the door.

"I don't want to! I'm sure about this." Blaine caught up to Kurt and grabbed his upper arm gently, spinning him around so they faced each other. "I'm so in love with you."

Kurt just bit his lip and released a dry sob.

"Please don't go." Blaine pleaded when Kurt once again moved away from him, toward the door. "Please, Kurt!"

"I'll come back." Kurt whispered before walking through the door and disappearing.

"Kurt!" Blaine called after him. He opened his door and looked into the hallway, but Kurt was already gone.

About an hour later Blaine was curled up in his pajamas in bed, silent teardrops still rolling down his cheeks.

Did Kurt really think Blaine hadn't considered that the boy he was in love with was dead? Did he really think Blaine could just decide that he didn't want to be with Kurt?

There was a soft knock on the door, but Blaine didn't respond. The door creaked open a little and Blaine pulled the duvet up over his nose. He saw that the intruder was Jeff, who walked in and closed the door behind him. "Blaine?" Jeff took a few steps toward Blaine's bed while tugging on one of the long sleeves of his green shirt. "Are you okay, man? I thought I heard arguing from in here an hour ago."

Blaine pulled the covers down a little and wiped his cheek with his palm. "Kurt and I had a fight."

Jeff hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed, but moved closer when Blaine made room for him. "Did you break up?" he asked, leaning against the headboard.

Blaine moved up the bed to sit shoulder to shoulder with the blonde. "I don't know." Blaine's eyes filled with tears again.

Jeff moved an arm around his shoulders and squeezed him. "It will be okay."

And Blaine cried some more. Sometimes Blaine wondered if Jeff had a sixth sense that made it possible for him to feel when someone was sad. Because he was always the one to come knock on Blaine's door, seemingly for no reason, when he was the most upset. The contrast between the usual happy, giddy, jumpy, crazy Jeff to this calm, thoughtful, comforting, soft Jeff was why Blaine loved him. And why he was his best friend among the Warblers. Blaine wondered if this was something the other guys had experienced too, if Jeff was just that nice. He never pushed for details. The times this had happened before he had just been there to listen when Blaine felt like talking about what was bringing him down, and just offered a shoulder to cry on when Blaine didn't want to talk about it.

Jeff leaned his temple against Blaine's forehead and wrapped his other arm around him too. "He'll come around. Just wait." Blaine leaned back and Jeff let him go, smiling slightly. "Don't give up hope, ever."

Blaine smiled back. "Thanks, Jeff."

"Do you wanna come over and watch a movie with me a Nick? We can eat ice-cream and you can sit between us. It'll be super cozy."

Blaine chuckled a little and wiped his eyes and cheeks for the last time that night. "I'd love to."

Kurt ran. He was crying so hard he couldn't see, and barely breathe. When he finally stopped running he fell to his knees and used his sleeve to dry the wet tracks on his face. When he lifted his gaze he found his family's house. He didn't reflect on how far away it was from Dalton, or how he had managed to get there so fast. He just walked up to front door and hesitated for a moment before walking through the door and into the warmth of the house.

His father was sitting in his old armchair, watching a football game. Or so Kurt thought, until he got closer and realized his father was asleep with his chin against his chest. Kurt smiled at first. Sometimes when he was still alive he had come into the living room to find his father like this and carefully woken him up and practically dragged him up the stairs to put him in bed. But Kurt's face fell as he realized his father probably still had problems sleeping.

Kurt walked into the kitchen and found Carole drying off the dishes. She seemed to be staring into empty space as she mechanically picked up plates, glasses and cutlery one after one, never looking at them before putting them aside. Kurt shuddered and walked up the stairs to Finn's room.

When he peeked inside Finn wasn't there. But his shoes were on the floor and his backpack hung over his desk chair. Kurt walked inside anyway and went over to Finn's bed. He sat down on it and looked around the room. It looked like it had when he was alive, except for one thing. Kurt's eyes settled on a framed photo on Finn's bedside table.

It was a photo Finn had taken of him when they were in New York for Nationals last year. Kurt remembered when Finn had taken the picture. He had said something clever about the camera and after a minute Finn had understood and snorted, making Kurt start laughing. When they had both calmed down a little Finn had snapped the photo and Kurt had whined that he hadn't been prepared. But later he had told Finn it was his favorite photo of himself. Finn had said it was a photo of one of their brotherly moments, and Kurt had agreed with a smile before Kurt had beaten Finn hard at Halo.

Kurt smiled fondly. Finn could be a bit slow sometimes, but he always meant well. Finn truly was Kurt's brother. He annoyed the hell out of Kurt most of the time, but he had always been there for him when he needed him to. And that was how a brother was supposed to be, Kurt thought.

He got off the bed and walked toward his own room. Finn must be at Rachel's house. The door was ajar, so he walked in. But there Finn was. He was lying on his back on Kurt's bed, looking at the ceiling. Kurt walked closer and studied his brother's face as he sat down on the bed next to his hip. Finn had been crying. His eyes were red-rimmed and he had partly wet tracks on his face. His lips were pursed together and his jaw was clenched stubbornly. Kurt realized Finn was holding something when he lifted a hand onto his chest and fiddled with it. It was Kurt's t-shirt from the New Directions' "Born This Way"-performance. Finn stroked his thumb over the big, black B. "Likes Boys".

Finn took a shuddering breath and Kurt saw a tear slide down his temple into his hair. Kurt reached out and touched Finn's upper arm. Finn was always so happy and goofy and Kurt hated seeing his family sad and broken like this. Finn took the t-shirt in his other hand and scratched absentmindedly at the spot where Kurt had touched him.

"Finn, honey?" Kurt heard Carole call from down the hall.

Finn quickly folded Kurt's t-shirt into his bedside-table drawer and wiped his cheeks.

"Finn?" Carole stood in the doorway and looked at her son with sad eyes. "Do you want to sleep in here again? I can help you carry the mattress."

"No, mom. Not tonight." Finn said and walked over to her. "Is dad asleep in the chair?"

"Yes."

"I'll get him." Kurt followed Finn down the stairs and watched as Finn lightly shook Burt awake, helping him stand and walk up the stairs. "Goodnight dad." Finn said as he left Burt with Carole in their bedroom. Finn walked to his own room and continued watching the ceiling in there. Kurt sat beside him, trying to imagine what he was thinking about.

"Finn?" Carole stood in the doorway again, this time in her pajamas. "Thank you for the help."

Finn stood and walked over to her, bending to hug her. "No problem. Goodnight, mom."

They hugged for longer than a minute, and Finn squeezed his mother tighter when she tried to pull back. She smiled softly and hugged him tighter again, stroking her thumb against his back. "I miss him too."

Finn took a deep breath and released his mother.

"Goodnight, honey." Carole whispered before going back to her bedroom.

Kurt slept on the floor in the hallway between Finn's and his parents' rooms, but woke up at about three in the morning.

"Kurt."

He stood and walked into Finn's room. But his brother was lying on his side, curled up into a ball, still sleeping.

"Kurt."

He hurried into his parents' bedroom and saw that his father had kicked the covers off his body and was twisting and turning. "Kurt!" he called a bit louder this time. "Watch out! NO! KURT!"

Carole woke up and tried to grab one of Burt's thrashing arms, but it got ripped from her grip. She stood and hurried into the hallway.

Kurt bent down over his father and touched his forehead. "Dad, I'm fine." he mumbled as Burt started kicking with his legs.

"KURT!" Burt shouted and Kurt took a step back when he saw the tears escaping his father's tightly squeezed shut eyes. 

Finn stumbled into the room and Carole turned the ceiling-lamp on before hovering by the foot of the bed.

"Burt!" Finn said loudly and grabbed the man's wrists. "Wake up. It's just a dream!"

"KURT!" Burt sobbed and stopped trashing around.

"Dad, wake up!" Finn gently shook Burt's shoulder and he shot into a sitting position, eyes suddenly wide open.

"Finn?" Burt mumbled and looked between him and his wife.

"You had another nightmare." Finn mumbled. "Are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water or something?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine." Burt grumbled and wiped angrily at his face with his pajama-sleeve. "Thank you, son."

Finn smiled his goofy, crooked smile and stood. "Goodnight, dad, mom."

Luckily Burt fell asleep rather quickly after that, and he didn't have any more nightmares. Kurt had sat by his sleeping father for almost an hour, stroking the little hair he had left on his head and watching the lines of worry and sadness fade in his sleep.

When Blaine woke up the next morning he instantly felt cold and empty. He looked toward the armchair beside the bed just to find that he wasn't in his room. He turned onto his other side and realized he had slept on Nick's bed. He looked over to the other bed where Nick was curled up with Jeff, both sleeping soundly. Blaine crawled out of bed and straightened his pajamas. He tiptoed out of the room and into his own, changing into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He still felt cold as his gaze traveled over Kurt's armchair – it felt like it actually was Kurt's now since he had slept in it almost every night for about four months now – so he pulled a cardigan on as well, before he headed toward the dining hall to have breakfast. He was glad he was one of the few guys that had single rooms. Most boys had to share with another guy, unless you had special needs or privileges. Blaine's "special privilege" was that his father didn't want his son to sleep in the same room as another boy.

In the middle of his cereal Jeff and Nick walked hand-in-hand into the dining hall, grabbed some breakfast and sat down next to him.

"Morning, B. Did you sleep well?" Jeff chirped before taking a bite of his toast.

"I did." Blaine smiled. "Thank you for last night, guys."

"No problem." Nick smiled. "Hope my bed was comfy."

Blaine chuckled. He hadn't meant to sleep in their room. But he had fallen asleep before the movie ended so Jeff insisted. They had watched some action movie while eating lots of ice-cream. Neither Jeff nor Nick had pressed him for information about his fight with Kurt, and Blaine was glad. Because how would he explain to them what they were fighting about?

When Kurt woke up again Carole was preparing breakfast in the kitchen while Finn and Burt watched TV. Kurt realized he hadn't met his mother yet, so he looked for her all over the house. He found her in his bedroom. She was sitting by his vanity, stoking her fingers through her hair.

"Hi mom." Kurt said and walked into the room.

Anette turned to look at him. "Hi honey! What are you doing here?" She stood and hugged him, before they sat down on Kurt's bed.

"Blaine and I had a fight." Kurt mumbled, looking at his hands on his lap. "I left."

"Why, honey?" Anette put a hand on his knee and he met her eyes. Looking at his mother's face was almost like looking into a mirror. There was no doubt where he got his eyes from.

"He told me that he's in love with me."

"And you're in love with him." She smiled fondly, and Kurt felt a blush creep onto his cheeks.

"I'm dead, mom."

"I understand." she said, hugging him tightly.

Kurt was glad he didn't have to elaborate very much on his thoughts. When she first died she had of course still loved Burt, so she probably recognized some of them. And even if she hadn't thought the same ones exactly, it would certainly be easy for her to imagine, since she was dead too.

"He needs some time to think about if he really wants me."

"I'm sure he probably thought about it for a while before he even told you."

Kurt hadn't reflected on that. "Should I go back?" he ventured before sniffling.

"Maybe you need some time to think." His mother smiled warmly at him and he tried to smile back, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm sure he'll be waiting when you get back."