Part 9

Awareness came in flashes. Kurt, next to him, touching his face, eyes wide and bright, asking him to focus. Cooper, next to him, talking to him, talking to other people.

They both looked so scared.

Blaine wanted to reach out and wipe the tears from their face, wanted to hold Kurt close and tell him that it will be okay, that he is happy. But everything hurt too much. Pain shot up his arm if he shifted, fire burned steadily in his shoulder. Everything was swimming and he didn't think that was good.

And then Kurt was gone, faster than Blaine could track. Cooper's face filled his vision, held him steady as he coughed, a coppery tang in his mouth. Cooper kept talking, almost like he was begging. Kurt returned, and Blaine fought through the haze, trying to tell them that it was okay. That he was happy they were alive.

The darkness reared up and pulled him back inside.

Everything hurt. Each breath burned and Blaine couldn't remember how he got...wherever he was.

Where was he?

It was too bright for him to open his eyes, so he didn't. Not yet. There was an annoying beeping. And he couldn't move his arm from where it lay too heavy on his chest. A dull pain raidiated from the other shoulder.

There was a hand in his own, the one that was not too heavy on his chest. Fingers under his own, a...thumb stroking over the tops of them. Moving very slowly, Blaine let his eyes flutter open, inhaling sharply and wincing at the brightness. The motion of the hand against his own slowed.

Careful not to disturb the person holding his hand and to avoid jostling anything until he could figure out where he was, Blaine turned his head.

Cooper was slumped next to his bed, head resting on the arm holding Blaine's hand, obviously asleep.
Finally adjusted to the light, Blaine surveyed his surroundings. A private room at a hospital, he thought. The beeping came from a monitor in the corner. Flowers were on the table near the door, set where he could see them. Everything was forcefully pleasant, as if to try to distract while failing miserable at it.

He still couldn't remember what had happened. A car crash, maybe?

He moved on, cataloguing his injuries. He could wiggle his toes, which was a good sign. His torso was stiff, something wrapped tight around them. Bruised or broken ribs, then. The arm across his chest was in a cast. Probably broken. They must have set it while he was unconscious. He couldn't move to see why his shoulder hurt, but he could ask. And his head was still swimmy, but that could be any number of things.

Feeling slightly more informed, Blaine let go when a wave of drowsiness hit him, letting it pull him under again.

The hand was still in his, still stroking his when he resurfaced. The thumb on his fingers paused, Cooper's (he thought it was still Cooper) breathing changed, weight shifted off the bed.

"Blaine?" It was Cooper, his voice timid and hopeful.

Blaine squeezed his hand, nodding as best he could.

"Oh, Blaine." Cooper's voice crumbled, making Blaine's heart hurt.

He turned his head when Cooper scooted his chair closer. It was the most disheveled he had seen his brother in years. "H-Hey, C-Coop." His throat was dry, not working right. The hand in his was gone, Cooper, reaching around him to...grab a cup of water and a straw, a louder beep making Blaine think he had pressed the call button.

"Here, Blaine. Slow sips, okay." Blaine nodded, letting his brother guide the straw into his mouth and doing as instructed. A knock at the door came as Cooper was setting the glass back down, still looking at Blaine with a weird expression on his face, wonder mixed with something else? Thinking about it made his brain hurt.

"I'm glad to see you awake, Blaine." The nurse sounded like any other nurse, quiet and reassuring. "How about we get you sitting up and then we'll get your doctor in here." She was already at the bed, fiddling with things Blaine couldn't see, and then her hands were on him, steady touches guiding as the bed moved under him. The room swam and the nurse tutted when he closed his eyes. "Easy breaths, Blaine. Do you know if he has issues with painkillers?" Blaine hoped the last part was directed at Cooper, who answered with a description of the general symptoms. He hadn't had any since he got his wisdom teeth out, but that had not been a fun experience. "Okay. I will tell the doctor and we will look into possible alternatives."

The darkness behind his eyelids was no longer spinning, so Blaine tried opening his eyes again. The nurse was flipping through his charts and checking monitors, then taking Blaine's blood pressure and saying she would send the doctor in momentarily.

"W-what..." He cleared his throat and tried again. "What happened, Cooper?"

Cooper looked at him, eyes sad. Blaine's heart sank as he realized who was missing. "Cooper, where's...?"

The doctor's arrival interrupted his train of thought. "Good to see you awake, Mr. Anderson. I'm Dr. Adams. How are you feeling?"

"I...what happened?"

"You were brought in with..." Dr. Adams flipped through Blaine's charts. "Your right arm broken in two places, a bullet wound to your left upper arm, severely bruised ribs, and a concussion. Since you have been out we have set your arm, wrapped your ribs and stitched you back up."

Blaine nodded. "How long was I out?"

"Two days. Your surgeries were done yesterday and you have been recovering in here since. Now, I just have to check your ribs and make sure the sutures are clean and then I will be out of your hair for a bit." Cold hands maneuvered him, contrasting with Cooper's as he helped keep Blaine steady. The examination was over quickly, the doctor stepping back and grabbing Blaine's charts again. "Now, Blaine. The nurse said something about maybe changing your painkillers? Have you had problems with them before?"

"Just...the wooziness and general off-kilter-ness is worse with me."

"I'll put you on a different one and we can give it a trial run while you're still here, okay?"

Blaine nodded. "How long until I can go?"

"The food here isn't that bad." Blaine could only chuckle weakly. "Sometime later this week. We want to keep you for that long only for observation. Thankfully the bullet missed most of your shoulder and hit your arm instead, which could have crippled you. However, there may be some nerve damage around that area, so we are going to monitor it. When we get closer to your release, we can talk about physical therapy, if it is needed."

The doctor ducked out with a nod and a promise to check back later.

"Cooper." Cooper sat down next to Blaine, looking worried. "Cooper. Where is Kurt?"

His brother dropped his gaze, breathing deeply before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a folded piece of paper. "Before you read this, Blaine, remember that we both love you. Okay?"

Blaine's heart stopped, only the beeping in the corner picked up in speed as everything seemed to slow. "But. I remember him being alive."

"He's fine. Just...read the letter. I'll leave you to do that. Buzz the nurse if you need. And text me...when you want me to come back, okay? Cooper was already standing up, smoothing the hair on Blaine's forehead back, kissing his forehead before leaving the room, door shutting with a soft click behind him.

He looked at the folded paper in his hands, turning it over. What on earth did it say that Cooper was so concerned about?

It looked so plain, so unassuming, his name on the outside in Kurt's neat scrawl.

He took a deep breath and opened it.

Blaine,

I had wanted to tell you this in person. You deserve to hear this in person. But your brother thought that you would need some time to process it without anyone there.
I am not expecting any one answer. Just a response.
You remember that I called you that day and told you I needed to tell you something? Here it is.

I work as a consultant in the Art Crimes unit of the FBI. I was brought in at first just to forge a Picasso, but when there were rumours of there being something bigger, I was told to stay on. I read every file I could on you and your brother, and then I walked into that bar. I tracked your gigs and hoped that it would only be a matter of time before you noticed me.

The problem got messier, and the Bureau's undercover agent told us Smythe was planning something big. What had meant to be a one time thing, to learn what I could and get out, became part of my assignment. I was told to keep close to you, inform of anything you did in connection to the problems with Smythe.

I...
I was told not to fall in love with you. But I did. I love you more than I thought was possible and I hate that I did this to you.

I would not blame you if you don't believe me or if you never want to talk to me again. I would be forever grateful if you would give me the chance to talk to you in person, but if you do not, I would not blame you.

Kurt

Blaine sat.

And blinked.

And focused on his breathing.

He couldn't do anything else.

Nothing.

Tears he did not know he was crying fell and mingled with the dried ones and smeared letters on the piece of paper. Kurt's tears.

He just...

He couldn't, anymore.

He set the letter down, his hand brushing something small and cool. Something that must have fallen out of the letter. He could see the imprint of it on the paper.

His heart was already falling before he picked it up. He knew what it was. Kurt's ring sat on the sheets covering him, small and innocent and a reminder of everything that had collapsed on him.

He ate his dinner when it was brought to him some time later, hungry without wanting to eat, thoughts flying around his head.

Everything.

Everything was a lie.

Part of him believed Kurt loved him.

But everything else?

A small part of his brain reminded him that he did a similar thing to Kurt, being part of the Family and waiting so long to tell him.

Even though Kurt knew.

Kurt had known.

And Blaine had just fallen for it. Fallen for him.

Maybe it was just Karma's backlash that had wound him in the hospital, a reminder why he shouldn't let people in.

As he cringed through his jello (saving the fruit cup for last), something occurred to him. Something that bugged him, that Kurt had put in his letter and Cooper had said. What was it?

"Your brother thought..."

"Before you read this, remember we both love you."

Blaine didn't want his fruit cup anymore.

After an orderly helped him into the bathroom and with a sponge bath, clad in clothes Cooper must have brought from his apartment, Blaine settled back into the bed, flicking on the tv and hoping that the hospital got the channel that showed nearly constant Matlock reruns. Maybe the detective would have some insight into Blaine's situation.

Sometime after the third episode, Blaine's hand loosened on the remote, finally asleep.

Blaine texted Cooper after breakfast, needing to hear the rest of the story before coming to any conclusions. After pondering it over his less-than-appetizing breakfast of oatmeal and yet another fruit cup he could not quite force himself to choke down, Blaine had decided that Cooper was also hiding something, and Blaine was fairly sure what it was.

He really hoped he was wrong.

Cooper's knock came after the second Matlock episode in a row and after the third soduku puzzle done during commercial breaks. He gestured for Cooper to sit as he maneuvered himself to sitting, legs crossed before him, a tricky feat without the help of his arms.

They sat for a minute, silence verging on awkward, and Blaine knew he was right.

"Cooper, I want you to be honest with me, okay? No trying to protect me. It's my life and I need to know the truth." Cooper nodded at him, and Blaine saw him swallow as if nervous. "How much about Kurt did you know?"

"All of it."

Blaine forced himself to nod.

"For how long?"

"From the beginning. From the second time you went out. He and his handler came by to tell me about their plans to take down the Spadarys and the forged Picasso they had planted."

He felt himself nod again.

"And..." Blaine was surprised to find himself angry. He did not get angry. "You didn't think to inform me about it? Didn't think I might want to know that..." Blaine ducked his head to study the sheets, "that I might want to know that the man I thought I could grow to love was in the FBI?"

"I hated lying to you, Blaine. But we needed to take the Spadarys down. I was going to, and then you told me you thought you loved him and wanted to get him a Family ring. I couldn't bear to tell you something that was not even my secret."

"So. The two relationships that are the most important to me were both based on lies?" Blaine met Cooper's eyes again. "You put the business before me."

"You know why I did it, Blaine."

And he did. It made him sick to think of it. But he really did understand where Cooper was coming from. And had it been any other fling, maybe it would not feel like his heart had been cut out and held before him, still beating feebly.

"If we let Smythe get close enough to the top then he would have stopped at nothing until he killed all of us. No one can afford such a battle right now."

"Even though it almost killed me."

"You weren't supposed to be there. Kurt wasn't supposed to have called you, wasn't supposed to have told you before everything was over."

"Instead, to save the lives of many, I almost died. I would have to, if the bullet had hit a little lower. I...I need some time to think, Cooper. I'll let you know when I am ready to talk."

Cooper nodded, eyes bright with tears, moving to hug Blaine before stopping himself. He was gone a moment later.

Blaine's thoughts did not stop flitting around his head until his nurse came in for another round of checks, after which he tried more Matlock and a nap. Matlock was so close to solving the case and he wanted to see the conclusion before the fresh round of painkillers knocked him back out.

The next day, Blaine had come to his decision. A rational, thought out one. One that he thought made logical sense.

He hated that he had to make this decision at all.

One that was in his best interests.

He had to do this one thing for himself.

And he hated it.

He couldn't stop looking at the ring, sitting next to the cards and the flowers.

Truly hated what he had decided.

He felt like he was in free fall again. As if he had missed a step walking down a flight of stars.

But it was the best option.

He had decided to tell Kurt first. Cooper could wait and would hopefully understand. And if he didn't. Well. Blaine had already decided.

A quick text to Kurt asked him to stop by around four or so, which would give Blaine enough time to suffer through another sponge bath and put on clothes that were closer to his normal standard.

The next few hours were spent watching a conveniently timed marathon of Disney movies and dealing with the embarrassment of needing assistance in the bathroom.

At four on the dot, there was a knock on his door. Heaving himself up straighter, Blaine called for his visitor to come in.

Kurt had obviously gotten the better end of the fight. His eye was purpled in a livid bruise and he was walking stiffly, but he seemed otherwise uninjured. "Hi, Blaine." He shut the door behind him, words the most uncertain Blaine had ever heard them.

Blaine offered him a weak smile, which was weakly returned, his heart clenching as Kurt perched awkwardly on the seat furthest away from the bed. "Kurt..." Blaine couldn't make his voice work, this was all so wrong it wasn't supposed to have been like this for them. "Just...sit over here, okay?"

Kurt nodded quickly and took his new seat, still perching on the edge, obviously uncomfortable.

This is why he was doing this. They both needed it. This wasn't them.

"I...I don't know where to start all of this. So. Could you just...start at the beginning for me? Don't leave anything out. Just.. tell me. Including what happened...that day. I still don't remember it."

Kurt nodded, and recrossed his legs, hands folding after he wiped his eyes. It took everything Blaine had to not reach out and hold Kurt's hand. He gripped the sheets pooled around him tighter and waited.

And then Kurt talked. He explained everything, from the moment he had been told to replicate a painting well enough to fool the best of the Bureau's authenticators to what he could remember of his and Cooper's conversation the first time Kurt had joined them for dinner, to the tumult of the last few weeks, the 'I love you's to the ring to that emotion that Blaine hadn't been imagining after all.

They were both in tears by the end, dabbing at their eyes.

"A-and..." Blaine cleared his throat and kept going, "And what about that night?" He knew he didn't need to clarify.

Kurt took a deep breath, shooting Blaine a look that had pain lancing his already broken heart. "It was my fault. We had a plan and I broke it, forced everything to happen too quickly and for you to get hurt. But I...I couldn't handle lying to you anymore. Every time I looked at you or thought about you or your toothbrush next to mine, I was reminded that I was lying to you, just like you thought you had lied to me. So...I snapped. I warned my handler, Mercedes, what I was going to do, then called you. Smythe was obviously waiting for me."

Blaine watched as Kurt wrung his hands together, twisting them tight. "When you got there, Santana had been charged with keeping me in check. She didn't tie my hands well enough to hold me, in case I needed to get free quickly. So when you.." The tears started anew, pooling in Kurt's already red eyes and Blaine's followed, knowing Kurt hurt with the knowledge of what Blaine had done and the bone-deep certainty he would have done it the same way again. "When you pushed me aside and.. and got hit, I was already free and able to catch myself. The fight didn't last much longer than that." He laughed wetly. "I cannot officially know whose bullet hit Sebastian, since the Bureau wants it that way, but you should ask your brother about it."

Blaine's heart clenched again. "And I called in the ambulance while Cooper watched you. We.." Kurt swallowed, and then swallowed again. "We thought we had lost you, right as the EMTs walked in. You had tried to speak and then...nothing. I..." He caught Blaine's eye and Blaine looked back, since it was the least he could do. "I know I don't have the right to tell you this anymore. But I am so glad we didn't lose you."

Blaine would have given any future use of his left arm to be able to hold Kurt then, to reassure him that he loved him and that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn't do that.

"I already made my decision, before you had even walked in. And...this doesn't change anything. I...I know it's harsh. But I need to do this for me. Between the two men who I love the most in the world lying to me about something this big... I know you had to for your job, and I understand that...but Cooper is my brother and I still love you...I just.. I need some time away. All of my life I have been doing the proper thing for the son of a Mafia boss.

"Now...now I need to do something for myself. Nothing in my world makes sense anymore. And I need it to. So.." He took a deep breath, bracing himself. "I am going to go away for a while. I'm thinking six months right now, though I may decide I want to make the move more permanent." He waited for Kurt's jerky nod before continuing. "I am probably always going to love you. But I need time to figure out who I am, without the Family."

"I..okay. Yes. Whatever you need to do." Kurt was nodding and crying and Blaine really wanted to hold him. But this needed to be as clean a break as possible.

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what we have. You...I can't imagine anyone else in your place in my life. So I was hoping that you would be okay with us putting everything on hold. Just...stopping for a bit. We fell into everything too quickly." Kurt paled, obviously panicking. "I..I still want to talk to you. But maybe just emails for a few months. After all my physical therapy is done and I hopefully have some idea who I am, then we'll look at it again, and see if we want to try again?"

If Kurt said no, then Blaine would probably never come back to New York. Blaine would probably never be Blaine again, and that scared him because it shouldn't be like that and he knew it.

He wanted a life that was made better by Kurt, not dependent on him. That wasn't fair to either of them, Blaine most of all. And after all of this, he thought that he deserved to put himself first.

"Of course. What-whatever you want. I...I love you Blaine. And I may never forgive myself for doing all of this to you. But I will always love you. And...if you say you need time, then that's what will happen."

Kurt kept nodding, as if he couldn't control it anymore. "So, in six months, then? You'll give me a call?"

"Yeah. In six months."

"Unless you need longer. I...I will always be waiting for you, Blaine. So take the time you need."

"Oh, Kurt. Don't...don't wait for me. Be you. Live your life. If you fall in love with someone else," pleasepleasedon't, "then fall in love and don't hold back on my account. Six months is just a promise to look at everything again, and see if we want to pick it up." He could feel the tatters of his heart clenching and withering, but he had to do what was the most fair to both of them. And he could see on Kurt's face that Kurt felt the same way.

"Be-before I go, could I ask something?"

"What?"

"Can...can I kiss you again? Just..one last time to remember you by, in case this is the last time."

Blaine nodded once before Kurt's lips were on his, both inhaling sharply through their noses, Kurt immediately taking control of the kiss, Blaine letting him. Kurt overwhelmed his senses, driving out the omnipresent disinfectant he had stopped noticing was there, filling him up and clouding his mind. Another quick inhale of breath and they switched, Kurt drawing out Blaine's tongue, into his mouth, letting Blaine explore his fill, until the taste and feel and smell of Kurt was permanently etched onto his brain and heart.

The kiss, no matter how perfect, was bittersweet, the feel of tears on each others cheeks, the saltiness of tears sliding into the corners of mouths, into their kiss, mingling between them as Blaine shared everything he had with this kiss, knowing without a doubt Kurt was doing the same.

They pulled away, since no kiss, no matter how perfect, could last forever. They had an agreement. In six months, when Blaine knew who Blaine was, they would talk about trying again.

Kurt leaned his forehead against Blaine's, halfway kneeling on the tiny hospital bed, Blaine's arm awkwardly between them, making it impossible for Blaine to gather Kurt into his arms.

The shards of his heart crumbled a little more when Kurt pulled away, whispering "I love you, Blaine Anderson" before walking out the door.

Cooper did not come in until the following day, after Blaine had requested (and been denied all but one) fruit cup after fruit cup and racked up a huge bill on the on demand channel, crying quietly into the pillow he was clutching to him as best as he could while watching every movie he could think of that did not involve a romance as a plotline.

He avoided looking down too much.

The blue of his cast, chosen at the spur of the moment, reminded him too much of Kurt's eyes.

He had calmed down by the time Cooper came, after a night spend repeating the rationale for his decision to himself. Just because he knew it was the right choice for him didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

Cooper, unlike himself, knocked before entering, sitting down next to Blaine when Blaine motioned for him to do so.

"I.."

"Cooper, can I just say what I need to say before you start? It won't take long."

Cooper leaned back slightly, but nodded and stayed silent. "I am going to go, Cooper. I haven't figured out where yet. But I'm done with the family business. It wasn't ever right for me. You belong there. I don't. I never did. I need some time to figure out who I am, separate from everything I have ever done. Separate from the Family." Blaine paused and Cooper nodded again, still staying silent, but Blaine could see the objections in his eyes. "What I want to know is why. Why you lied to me. Why you did what you did, knew what you knew, and didn't tell me about it." Blaine knew he sounded wounded and pathetic, but he was. He needed to know this before he could start moving on.

"I know you want an answer more than I did what I thought was best for the interests of the Family. But that's the one I have. I didn't include the possibility that you would fall for him or that he would fall for you. It was a miscalculation on my part." His temper started rising, flaring as he knew it would. "I never wanted you to get hurt. It wasn't supposed to have ended this way, and I am sorry that it did."

The unspoken 'but I would have done everything the same way even knowing that you would' hung in the air between them. Blaine didn't force his brother to say it mainly because he didn't want to hear it. All Blaine could do was nod. "I am still leaving. Six months at the least but it may be longer, no matter what you or Father think."

Cooper nodded and Blaine could have cried with relief that he didn't have to fight for this. "I'm sorry that your life made you feel like you need this, Blaine I'm sorry I made you feel like this."

"Coop." Blaine's voice was a small croak as his brother wrapped himself around Blaine, careful to mind Blaine's injuries and held him as tight as he dared. "I'll always love you, Coop. But I need to do this for me, now."

Cooper pulled away enough to press a kiss to the top of Blaine's head. "I know, baby bro. I love you too. No matter what city you're in."

They separated, Cooper sitting at the foot of Blaine's bed, and talked about the logistics of the move, how to make this as smooth as possible and planning for Cooper, as a brother, to help Blaine get settled into a new city.

When Cooper finally left, everything that could have been decided about the move decided, Blaine turned on Matlock instead of trying to sleep. There were too many thoughts whirring through his head, too many holes in his heart.

But he was going to fix it. He knew he was.

It was just going to take some time.