Dear Journal,

          It happened. It happened!!!!!! I had sex with Blaine and it was amazing. It was better than I could have ever imagined. I have never felt so close to a person before. His parents were out for the night with some friends, so I went over to watch some movies and eat dinner with him. We were watching a movie and cuddled up on the couch when I leaned over and kissed him. One kiss turned to two, which turned to three, which……turned to more.

          I don’t want to talk too much about the actual things that we did. That’s between Blaine and I and I want to keep it between Blaine and I. However, I will say that I have never felt so safe before. Blaine gave me complete control and let me do whatever I was comfortable with doing. It was amazing. I spent a lot of time kissing him. I think I kissed him everywhere. He’s so beautiful. Everything about him is perfect. I have never felt so happy in my entire life. Every time I touched him, it felt right. I don’t mean touch as in the sexual way of touching, I just mean the intimate way. Being near him was amazing. I will say that he let me top. He told me that he wanted me to top for our first time so that I can really be in control. It took a long time for me to prep him. I wanted to make it as painless as possible, because I know how badly that can hurt. It was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. It was not fast or hard. It was slow and intimate and we kissed the entire time.

          There was a point where I looked down and saw that Blaine had tears in his eyes. I tried to stop because I thought I was hurting him, but he said he was crying because he was so glad that he waited for me to be the first person he did this with. Naturally, I started crying. Then, we laughed because we are total saps. Then, I started to move again because it felt too good to stop. I had no idea it would feel like that. He seemed to enjoy it too, considering how loud he ended up getting, which was the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

          He makes me feel so good, and I don’t just mean that in a sexual way. He makes me feel like whatever bad things I have in my life don’t matter anymore because I know that I have him. I know that I’m not 100% better. I still have days where I can’t look at myself like somebody who is worthy of somebody like him, but it is getting better. I’m working hard. More times than not, I can say that I am worth it. I am a person deserving of respect, dignity, and love. I deserve happiness. I didn’t feel that way before any of this. I can honestly say that this journal has helped me in so many ways. I feel like I have made a friend, even though I am talking to nobody. Blaine has helped me, Adam has helped me, my dad has helped me, and, yes, even Mercedes has helped me.

          I don’t want to be too sappy about all of that, so I’m going to go back to the sex. Let me tell you, sex feels great. Like I said earlier, I never knew it could feel like that. I didn’t know how I would react the first time I did it, but I can honestly say that I wasn’t even nervous. It was like my entire being came to peace with what had happened to me with Karofsky. It was like none of that mattered anymore, like it never even happened. That was probably the best outcome of all of this. I can finally say that I have moved on for the most part. Of course, sometimes the thought of it still disturbs me. I hate that it happened to me, but I guess I’m just in the mindset of, “I cannot change what has happened to me, so I might as well try and move forward”.

          Journal, I have some more news. I’m going to New York. Hell or high water, I am going to New York City, the city of my dreams. Blaine is coming with me. Blaine, Adam, and I are going to get a little apartment together. It’s going to be interesting to see what happens. With everything that happened to me, my grades never went down. Schoolwork was my only big distraction from what was going on in my life, so I think I may have even done better with everything happening to me. Colleges still accepted me. I’m going to NYU and I am majoring in English with a minor in LGBTQ studies. I want to be able to write stories that entertain you, but also educate you on the LGBTQ community because I think that representation is the most important thing. Without representation, people like David Karofsky will forever think that they need to hide in the closet. They will forever think that what they are doing is wrong. They will never know that there is a community out there waiting for them, and that they do not need to act irrationally. More than anything, they will know that people understand them. They don’t have to go at it alone. Without representation, progress cannot be made. That’s what I want to do with my life. I want people to know that there are people in the world that they can connect with and talk to.

          Things are really sounding great right now. My dad is a nervous wreck thinking about me going off to a big city without him. He trusts Blaine, though. He trusts that Blaine will help me. I never would have believed you had you told me a year ago that my life would be like this. Who would have thought that I could actually be doing good things with my life? If I’m being honest with myself, I didn’t even think I would be alive right now. I thought I would have been buried in the ground by now, just a fading memory in the mind of Blaine and everybody else. I’m really glad that I’m alive.

          I’m not only alive, I am living a life of purpose, and that’s pretty fucking cool, isn’t it?

Sincerely,

Kurt Hummel