Dear Journal,

          I guess my last journal entry left some empty spaces. I want to clear those up. I feel like if I explain them better, I will feel better.

          First of all, Mercedes and I are not perfect. What she did to me still hurts like hell. However, my forgiving her isn’t just because I miss her. I have had so many worries in my life. I have gone through a lot of shit and I know that I deserve to be happy. I am also smart enough to know that hating her forever is going to make me miserable. I’m forgiving her for me, not for her. I do not owe her any favors, and she gets that. She’s just happy to be where we are now. We send texts every once in a while and we are friendly. She called me last night and we actually laughed a bit together while talking about stupid shows on Bravo. It’s nice having a girl that I can talk to.

          Adam has been a great friend to me. He gave me sex advice! I mean, I know how to have sex, obviously! I just wanted help planning a way to tell Blaine that I was ready. So, with Adam’s help, I set up a very nice dinner. NOT at Breadstix. I took Blaine to his favorite Chinese restaurant over in West Lima. Blaine is so cute. Whenever he tells me stories about his day at school or new performances, his eyes just light up and I almost want to cry. He’s so happy and optimistic and he’s so adorable all the time. I never get tired of kissing him. Never. I could kiss him all day. I don’t mean like sexy make out sessions or anything, I just mean those times when we are cuddled up together just talking and we just stop and smile at each other and then lean in for a small kiss. It feels so good to be loved by somebody. Yes, I did just say love. At dinner he told me that he loved me! I said that I loved him back. God, I love him so much.

          Anyways, after I told him that I loved him, I told him that I wanted to show him how much I loved him. He understood exactly what I meant by that, and he told me that he was ready, too. I don’t know what exactly made me ready to be intimate with him. I mean, two months ago I would have been freaking out over the idea of sex after what happened to me. I’m just in a much better place now, I guess, and Blaine has been a big help in getting me to this place. I want to give him everything. Sex doesn’t seem scary to me anymore because I trust him more than anybody in the world. He is everything to me. I promised myself that I would never let another person consume me like this, but it’s so easy to fall in love when you know that the other person is there to catch you.

          Yesterday, Blaine and I went to this cute ice cream shop by an ice skating rink and went ice skating. It was so much fun. My dad is getting better with letting me out of the house, especially when I’m with Blaine. Blaine had never ice skated before, so it was funny watching him flail his arms around every time he tried to skate away from the wall. I took lessons back when I was a kid, so I can get along well enough on the rink. There was one time where Blaine fell but he grabbed my arm and took me down with him. We were on the floor of the ice busting up laughing because we had just fallen on our asses in front of everybody. I couldn’t resist how adorable he was being, blushing from embarrassment, so I kissed him. I kissed him in front of a huge crowd of people, yet it felt like we were the only two people in the world. It was a short kiss. It didn’t cause any homophobic nonsense. It was just a simple little thing, yet it meant so much to me. I was in public. I was in public with MY boyfriend, and I was being affectionate with him.

          I never thought that I was going to be worth that to anybody. I didn’t ever see myself as somebody that would have a relationship as real as this. I saw myself as somebody that would go through life ending up with assholes because that is what I thought I deserved. I’m so glad I am not that person anymore. I’m still struggling sometimes, but I write down mostly happy things now because the more I convince myself that things are going to be okay, the more okay things actually seem to me.

          Blaine and I talked and I think we are not going to plan when we are going to first have sex. We don’t want it to be something we have to schedule. We will know when it is time. I mean, I hope it’s soon because my dad keeps asking me about how my allergies are doing because of all the tissues in my trash can. Sorry, dad, it’s still just my dick. Sometimes I forget how cliché of a teenager I am in the hormones department. My body has wanted to pound Blaine into a mattress for the past two and a half months, but my mind is just now making me feel like it is okay to actually do it, though I do hope it is a little more romantic than just being pounded into a mattress (for the first time at least). Anyways, I got to get ready. Blaine, Adam, and I are going to a coffee shop. We are meeting up with Adam’s new boyfriend and we are going to interrogate him J. Sounds fun, huh? This shall be interesting!

Sincerely, Kurt Hummel