Dear Journal,

          I can’t believe how things can turn around so quickly. Things are still great with Blaine. However, I don’t want all of my happiness to rely on a person. I don’t plan on losing him any time soon, but you never know. I just want to be able to say that I am happy about myself, not just happy about how other people make me feel.

          When I look at myself in the mirror, I no longer see a worthless piece of shit. I can actually see a human being. I still feel broken, maybe I will always still feel a little bit broken. However, I feel like I’m together enough to get my life back on track. My dad has noticed this change in me. He says that I seem like a whole new man. That feels really good. Our relationship is amazing now. I go work in the shop with him from time to time and we just goof off a lot.

          I think the thing that was really a turning point in my life was when I just decided to love myself. Like, it’s a lot easier said than done, but it is possible. Blaine has been so patient and loving with me. My dad has been an amazing dad to me. They love me. Well, I know dad loves me. I don’t know if Blaine loves me yet, but he does certainly care about me. At the time when Blaine and I first got together, I was loving how he made me feel. He made me feel special. He made me feel like an actual human being that was actually worth something. That was when I realized that no matter how good he makes me feel, it will be nothing compared to how good I can make myself feel when I learn to love myself.

          I’ve been talking to Dr. Pillsbury a lot and she’s really helped me see that the things that have happened to me in my past do not limit my future. The way that I look at those past situations is what is going to limit my future. She made it very clear to me that I can be something. I want to move forward in my life and pursue my dreams. I’m really rusty in terms of singing and performing, but this journal has made me realize how much I enjoy writing. I think that in college I want to take some writing classes. Maybe I can even publish a few books. Things don’t always have to suck, and it’s cool being able to say that.

          Another good thing happened. I met up with Mercedes. I didn’t know if I should, but I decided that I missed her and that I wanted to talk to her. When she first came over, it was super awkward. I made her some lunch and we sat down on my couch together and kind of just ate in silence. We turned a movie on, thinking that it would lessen the tension. About twenty minutes into the movie, I turned to see that she was crying. She just broke down and kept apologizing while sobbing into her sleeve. I hugged her and told her that we could talk more when she calmed down. I kind of still wanted to be mad at her, but another part of me just wanted to be close to her again. After that she told me that she wanted to come see me almost every day but that she just didn’t know what to say. I mean, I understand to some degree, but I needed somebody. I told her that I needed her and she said that if I would let her, she would try to make things up to me. I told her that it was too late to make things up to me but that maybe we could try to start over again. I really hope that things can get good between us again. I don’t think that I want us to be best friends or anything, Adam is my best friend now. Well, technically Blaine is my best friend, but he is also far more than that. However, I do want her as a friend again. It would be cool to have her back. It may take some time, but I think it will be okay.

          I probably seem way too nice and understanding for my own good now, huh? I probably am. I don’t know. I’ve just been such a negative, pessimistic person for a long time, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I may be overcorrecting, but I went through shit and I’m sure that Mercedes has also went through shit. She isn’t a bad person. She just didn’t know what to do, and she chose to run away. I guess it was sort of cowardice, but nobody wants to see their best friend hurt themselves, which is what she saw happening to me. I don’t want to make excuses for her, but I also don’t want to excommunicate her. Life is short. I don’t want to live my life dwelling on the things that happened in the past.

          With that being said, I’m ready to make love to Blaine.

Sincerely,

Kurt Hummel