Dear Journal,

            A lot has happened! When I say a lot, I mean a LOT!!!!!! Most of it is pretty positive, too. I actually don’t feel like a piece of shit right now. I feel like a person who’s getting better sort of….I have some people to thank for that!

            First thing that has happened: I met with Karofsky a few weeks ago. We met at the Lima Bean because my dad said the only way I could meet up with him was if we met somewhere in public. We sat in the corner at one of the few booths so that we didn’t make a scene in the middle of the restaurant if anything intense happened. I asked him why he never just came out and had just been who he really is. He said that he was scared because his family would never love him. His dad is a pastor and his mom runs a church group. He grew up hearing how bad being gay was his entire life, so when he started having those feelings he felt so out of place and he felt like a terrible person. Then I asked him why he chose me to prey on. I asked him if he had chosen me because I was the easiest target or because I was the only target. It was neither of those reasons. He told me that he had been in love with me since the eighth grade and didn’t know what to do. He said that he knew it would be the only way to ever be with me in any way. I told him that is complete bullshit and that maybe we could have even been friends if he hadn’t bullied me so badly.

            You know, I actually feel really bad for him. He looks at himself in the mirror and sees a sinner. He and his parents read the bible and he cringes every time they get to the book of Leviticus. He has to pretend that he thinks it’s funny when his friends make jokes about “fags”. He can’t be who he is. At least I have the luxury to do that now. I had a feeling all along that this was the case. I hated what he did and it made me feel like nobody important, but deep down somewhere I always knew that I was still somebody if I allowed myself to be. You just can’t help but feel sorry for yourself when things like that happen to you, and you have the right to feel that way. However, I thought about him, too. I imagined how he felt after that. He obviously wasn’t mentally okay and I knew that he needed help. That’s what I said when he asked me why I never told the authorities. He wouldn’t get anything out of being in jail. Prisoners fuck up the prisoners that commit rape. They could kill a person and still have no respect for somebody who raped somebody. I didn’t want anything that bad to happen to him. I wanted him to be able to live his life and sort things out for himself. I wanted him to be able to find himself as a person and work on this himself. I saw his face every time he finished doing what he did to me. I could tell he wasn’t proud. I could tell he was equally as broken as I was, just in a much different way.

            I wasn’t surprised when Karofsky told me that he had also tried to kill himself. A few months after he did what he did to me he tried to hang himself. Everything had been killing him from the inside. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything and one day he just snapped. He was

very concerned about me and how I was doing, though. He didn’t like to dwell on his problems because he wanted to know how I was doing. That’s nice, I guess. So, all in all the talk was really good. I will never be able to say I am his friend and I will never be able to completely forgive what he did because it wasn’t right, but I think we both have a better idea of each other and our problems. I admire him for letting it all out. Maybe one day he can tell his parents and be truly happy. It worked out much better than I thought it would.

            Okay, enough with the heavy. I said that things were going to be happy! That story had a happy result, though. I felt closure with that part of my life. I can move forward towards my current present and look at my future. Remember how Adam and I said we were coming up with a plan to prove to Blaine that I’m okay and that I won’t hurt myself anymore? We did it and things…..things have changed a lot for the better I will say. I didn’t expect the amazing thing that is going on in my life to come from this, but I feel amazing for the first time in a very long time.

            Adam and I planned a picnic for me and Blaine to talk. Adam told Blaine to meet him at this park with a huge field of grass next to a lake. I guess they have played football there before so Blaine didn’t suspect anything different. Blaine was definitely surprised when he showed up and I was there and not Adam. We still hadn’t talked much at this point. He mumbled a small hi to me and still couldn’t look me directly in the eyes. I was still able to convince him to sit down and eat with me. As we were eating I apologized to him and told him how dumb I felt. I told him that I never wanted to hurt him like that again and that I was done hurting myself. I showed him the ‘B’ cut on my thigh and he started to cry. He grabbed my hands and made me look him in the eyes and promise that I’d never hurt myself again. I told him that I would never do it again. He paused for a second and just surged forward and kissed me. I didn’t know what to do for a second but I started to kiss back. We both still had tears in our eyes, so when we pulled away we wiped our tears away and started to laugh. I was blushing so much and he had that adorable smile on his face he makes every time he’s super happy. It was very surprising but it was amazing.

            Blaine told me that the reason he got so mad was because he couldn’t stand to see the person that he cared about most in the world hurt himself. He also told me that even when he and Sebastian were together he liked me a lot, but he said he convinced himself that it was Sebastian was who he should have been with because I didn’t seem mentally stable for a relationship. It makes sense. However, I feel like Blaine is exactly what I need now. Him kissing me was the first time I let somebody close to me in such an intimate way. It was the first time anything like that had happened to me that wasn’t forced. It was what I needed to start feeling again. He is all I have needed. Ever since we first met he has done nothing but try to make me feel loved and cared about. I just never listened until now. He’s such an amazing, genuine guy. I can’t believe that he wanted to kiss me. I can’t believe that he has feelings for me. It was perfect.

            Blaine ended up following me home and we watched a movie in the living room with my dad. We weren’t too affectionate with each other because we didn’t want my dad to know just yet. Once it was over I walked him out and we talked on the porch for a few minutes about what the kiss meant. We both agreed that we care about each other very much but we don’t want to rush things. We set a date and a place to have our first real date. Well, he told me he’d set up the place and surprise me. We both said that Friday at 6 would work for us, so that is when he is picking me up. Then, we kissed again. It was longer but slower this time. Our lips moved against each other’s as if we’d been doing it for years. He finally pulled away when he needed to breathe again. He said bye and kissed me on the cheek one more time before going to his car and driving away.

            I went back inside and…..MY DAD SAW THE ENTIRE THING!!!!!!! How embarrassing! He just patted me on the shoulder and told me to meet him at the kitchen table. Then guess what?! HE GAVE ME THE ‘TALK’!!!!! He sat me down, looked me straight in the eyes, and said, “You matter.” Then he just went on and on about how important sex is and how easily I could get myself into tough situations when it comes to sex. Believe me dad, I know a lot more than you think that I do. I listened graciously and went up to my room and just thought for a little bit. He talked about sex as this amazing experience that I need to experience with somebody special. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I can still have that amazing experience with somebody. It won’t be my first experience, but it’ll be the first amazing intimate experience I have with somebody and I really want to be able to get to the point where I can open myself and be vulnerable like that to somebody. I also really hope that person is Blaine. I just need more time. It’s getting better, though. I’m getting better J

Sincerely,

Kurt Hummel