Dear Journal,
I walk into my bedroom and I see the most beautiful picture in the world; I see Blaine Anderson on my bed in only his boxers. He’s looking at me with lust blown eyes and I can his half-hard cock through his underwear. I walk towards him and fall on top of him, crashing my lips to his. We make out hungrily with our tongues fighting for dominance when he grinds his hips up against mine. I gasp loudly and hurry to undo my belt and the button on my jeans. Once I’m in only my underwear I get back on top of him and start to kiss him again. There’s so much intensity in the kiss and urgency in the way that Blaine’s hips start rocking with mine. I tear my lips away from his and bury my head in his neck. It feels fucking amazing so I close my eyes and just let myself enjoy. Blaine is losing his rhythm in his thrusts and I can tell that he is getting close. He slips his hand in between us and slips it under my waistband when---
And then I woke up covered in my own come. Isn’t it wonderful? I really need to sort my shit out. My body and my mind are very out of sync when it comes to what I am comfortable with. I don’t like to let myself think of sex because when I am awake my mind automatically goes back to Karofsky. However, when I am asleep I don’t have very good control of the situation. I want romance. I want to be with somebody who will hold my hand and be proud to walk down the hallways with me. I still don’t ever see that happening.
I did something bad the other day. I cut myself again. The only excuse that I have is that I am a little bitch who hates himself. The last couple of journal entries were a little bit more lighthearted because I was pretty busy and didn’t have much time to whine over my shitty life. But lately I’ve been pretty lonely again. Blaine and Adam have to stay at school a lot now because they are getting ready for regionals. I understand that they are busy and I’m definitely not mad at them for it. It just gives me so much time to think and when I think I over think and when I over think…..bad things happen.
I was sitting in my bed doing health homework when it hit me: I’m going nowhere in life. I’m homeschooled, I have two friends, I’ve been worrying about all of these problems that I have been dealing with so much that I don’t have any plans for the future. I used to have great plans: Broadway, fashion, New York….but now what? Look at me…I’m a mess. Who would ever hire somebody like me? Who would ever want somebody with scars covering their body and an emotionless face from years of hardships working for them? Nobody wants somebody that doesn’t feel anything anymore. That’s exactly what I am. I am somebody who feels nothing anymore. I feel no self worth, I feel no love from anybody except my dad and Blaine, and I feel no love for anybody but my dad and Blaine. I mean, yes, Adam is always there for me. I just….I don’t know. I feel like sometimes we are only friends because of our similar situations and not because we actually have qualities that we like about each other, you know? Anyways, I’m not going anywhere in life. I’m stuck and I don’t see it getting any better. So, the day when I started thinking that I went over to my drawer, opened it and pulled out the wooden box underneath my t-shirts, took the blade out of the wooden box, cried because I promised myself I would never do this again, took the blade to my arm, and I cut. I cut deep. Four different cuts in a perfect line on my arm. It reminded me of why I started cutting in the first place; for those few seconds when I am cutting, that is the pain that I feel. I don’t feel the pain of my real life. I just feel the pain on my arm. That pain is much easier to handle. Other people that cut themselves understand. Blaine is not one of those people.
I told him what I did and he got super upset. He threatened to tell my dad and he even said that he can’t afford to be around me if I keep hurting myself. He said that he can’t stand to see somebody that he cares about destroying themselves. I haven’t seen him since then….it’s been a couple of weeks….so, I cut again yesterday…but I did something different. On my thigh a cut is healing that is in the shape of a ‘B’. If he won’t physically be here with me, he will always be here mentally. That scar will always remind me of him….I just really miss him. I’m such a terrible person. I sometimes forget that my actions can hurt other people as well. I should remember because of what my dad told me in the hospital but I still can’t bring myself to stop hurting myself. I just really don’t feel good about myself, okay? It’s just….seeing the way Blaine looked at me with those tears in his eyes…it broke my heart. He looked like he had just got punched in the stomach or like he had just been told his father died or something. I need to fix this. I’m going to get help from Adam and we are going to set something up so that Blaine knows that I’m not trying to hurt him and that I am going to try harder. NOW YOU SEE WHY I NEED TO STOP HAVING THESE STUPID SEX DREAMS.
In other news, with all of this going on I’ve decided that I need to see Karofsky. I really need to talk to him about everything and get some sort of closure. I will just make sure that we are in a very populated place and that I am never once alone with him. You know, sometimes I almost feel bad for him. He must hate himself so much for him to result to fucking the gay twink of the school in a fucking janitor’s closet. A person must really hate themselves if they resort to going after me to fill their sexual fantasies. Maybe I can ask him about that, too. Why me? I’m not the only gay kid in Ohio obviously. Why did he have to choose me? And more importantly, why was he hiding himself? Is he still hiding who he is? Is he out now? I just need to know these things because they have been killing me for quite some time now. We are meeting up in a couple of days to talk. It’s going to be at the Lima Bean. I’m nervous but anxious at the same time. I just hope things work out okay with Karofsky and I can get this over with without any problems….and I really hope that I can fix all of my problems with Blaine….I love him so much.
Sincerely,
Kurt Hummel