Dear Journal,
So…I have no idea what is going on. A lot has changed since I last wrote to you. I need to talk to Dr. Pillsbury about some stuff but I don’t see her for a couple more days so I need to get all this out somewhere. I’m still not keen on writing in a journal but I don’t really have anything else to turn to….I guess this is a pretty good thing to have while I’m homeschooled and not around too many people to vent to. Alright, here we go!
First off, Blaine and Adam’s surprise was very…interesting. They took me from my bedroom into the living room where I saw all of the New Directions. They had me sit down on the couch while they sang “Lean On Me”. Blaine and Adam sang lead while everybody was behind them. It was a great performance but all I could think about was how Blaine and Adam were the only people in the entire room who had been there for me. It broke my heart to see Mercedes singing to me as if she hasn’t been blowing me off these past few months. I feel so betrayed by them. So, I told them. I said, “Who the hell do you guys think you are coming into my house saying I can count on you and lean on you when you haven’t reached out to me one time? That’s a really shitty thing to do!” I don’t regret what I said but I regret the way that I said it because I could tell that Blaine and Adam felt really bad. I really appreciated what they had done for me, I did, I was just very upset about the other people. I kicked the glee club out. Mercedes tried talking to me but I made sure she got the hell out of my house, too.
I felt really bad because Adam and Blaine kept apologizing to me. I know they probably just figured that it would be nice to see my old friends again and that it would be nice to be shown some love. I love Adam and Blaine and I really appreciate what they had done for me. I guess I’m just bitter about the other ones. I just hope that one day Mercedes and I can maybe work things out. I miss her so much. Blaine had to leave to help his friend with a math assignment but Adam stayed a while longer and we talked. We were talking about Blaine and I asked him if Blaine was dating again. He had a really weird answer. He said, “Is he dating you?” and I said no. so he said, “Well, then I guess he hasn’t asked anybody yet.” I had no idea what that meant but I was very confused. Adam changed the subject to something else but I still don’t really know what it meant.
About a week later Blaine and I had a sleepover. We have them every once in a while. We just stay up and watch movies while he tells me about all the drama at McKinley and I tell him all about the struggles of having no curfew and being able to sleep in. (I just like rubbing it in his face that I can do whatever the fuck I want as long as my work gets done!) We were sitting on my bed watching “Rent” when he scooted closer to me than he had been the entire night. By the time Mimi started singing about having the best ass or whatever Blaine had his head on my shoulder and I could tell that he was trying to get closer. During “I’ll Cover You” is when he finally grabbed my hand and started to hold it. That was new for us. We never hold hands or anything but I figured he was just being extra friendly that day. He gets in that mood sometimes. I definitely wasn’t going to stop him! By the time the movie was over my head was resting on top of his, we were holding hands, and we were both about to pass out. I took the movie out and went back to bed, turning over ,facing my back to Blaine. I couldn’t sleep that well but about 15 minutes after neither of us had talked to each other he leaned over and kissed the back of my head and whispered goodnight to me. I faced him and smiled. By the time we woke up we were right next to each other with our foreheads pressed together. It was an amazing way to wake up but it was embarrassing because morning breath and, yeah, nobody is gonna see me like that!
We still haven’t talked about what any of that meant, but we had another sleep over and did the same thing except when we slept he had his arm around me and before bed he kissed me on the cheek. We’re going to have to talk about this at some point but right now I think we are both fine with what is happening right now. I don’t even know what it means. Maybe he is just very touchy and loving towards his friends but stopped when he was dating Sebastian. I’m not just going to assume that he likes me or anything, even though I really hope that is the case. The one weird thing that did happen the next time we had the sleepover was that right after Blaine kissed me on the cheek he said, “You’re so special, Kurt. You’re gonna go so far.” I really don’t know what he meant by that. Maybe he is just being super nice to me because he thinks I’m lonely. I don’t know. So, I talked to dad about it.
I didn’t tell him everything about the cuddling or holding hands because then he wouldn’t let Blaine stay over anymore. I just said that Blaine has been a little bit more affectionate with me lately and that I had no idea what any of it meant. He asked me if I liked Blaine and I told him that I was in love with Blaine. He told me that I should just try and talk to Blaine about it. Like I said, I already know I have to talk to Blaine about it, so I wouldn’t say he gives the best advice. However, it was nice to talk to somebody about it. I really love my dad. I love how much he has come around since my coming out to him. He loves me unconditionally and that’s all I could ask for.
All of that was pretty crazy but nothing could get me prepared for what happened the next day. I got a text from a number that I didn’t recognize saying “sorry”……it was Karofsky. I asked him what he wanted and he said that he wanted to meet with me and talk. There’s no way in hell I’m doing it….well, I don’t know…..it might be good for me so that I can move on from everything. I can’t forgive him or forget but maybe he apologizing can help me get stronger emotionally. I really need to think about it.
Sincerely,
Kurt Hummel