Dear Journal,
Kurt Hummel has made a new friend!!!! *dances around my bedroom like a freak* Blaine introduced us. His name is Adam and he just started at McKinley. He’s from England! He’s super nice and super funny. He makes me want to watch “Doctor Who”:P. He has come to visit me a couple of times even when Blaine couldn’t. I want us to be good friends. I told him about what happened and why I’m homeschooled. He has scars, too. His parents died in a car accident a year ago. He took the rest of last year’s school off to calm down then he moved in with his aunt over here and started at McKinley. He did home school for a while, too, but he really didn’t like it. He doesn’t like being anti-social. That totally makes sense because he’s just a huge goofball!
Like I said, Adam has scars, too. I think he may have cut even worse than I did. He has “mom” cut on one of his wrists and “dad” cut on his other. He just wears wrist bands every day so that nobody knows they are there except for him. It must suck to lose both of your parents. I’ve only lost one parent and that was hard enough. He told me he felt so lonely, like he lost the only people in his life that can actually keep him sane. He loved them so much. They were so supportive of him when he came out and he admired that so much because his other friend wasn’t so lucky. His parents wanted nothing to do with him once he came out. All of this stuff makes me wonder how bad a person needs to feel before they start hurting themselves. We obviously have low self esteem and feel like shit all the time, but do we really have reasons to hurt ourselves? There are certain people who cut themselves over a fucking breakup with their partner and there are certain people who cut themselves because they need something to feel. They need to feel something. They need to know that they aren’t numb and that they are human. There are certain people who cut themselves to distract themselves from the paint hey face in everyday life. I think that’s what Adam did. That’s definitely what I did.
It’s really nice talking to Adam. He understands me and I understand him. I really enjoy being able to talk to somebody that doesn’t judge me for my past because he truly knows how I was feeling. He’s gay, too, actually. He’s really cute and charming but I highly doubt anything will come of it. We understand each other on very personal levels and knowing somebody and their feelings too well can be very bad for a relationship. Also, I am still in love with Blaine. I actually think that Blaine was trying to set Adam and I up! Adam and I have both talked about our love lives and neither of us wants to date somebody who has gone through what we have. We don’t mean that in a selfish way. We just mean that in the way of not building the foundation of a relationship based off of what happened to us in the past, and when it comes to these sort of things I connect with him because of what has happened to both of us in the past. We both feel as though we wouldn’t truly be able to move forward when our relationship all started with things that happened before we even met, if that makes sense. To be honest I might have wanted to date him if situations had been different. It probably wouldn’t have lasted long but it might have been a good distraction from Blaine. However, that’d be using a person and I don’t want to do that. I’m not a person who would do that. I need to deal with my problems on my own.
Blaine definitely has some problems of his own…..he and Seb broke up. I was super surprised! They seemed so happy and in love all the time. Remember how I said that Blaine wanted to do the deed with Smythe? Yeah, well he ended up chickening out. Sebastian got really mad and started yelling at Blaine and saying that he needs to grow up and that he doesn’t even know why he puts up with Blaine anymore when he can go get laid whenever the hell he wants to. I guess Sebastian isn’t as good of a guy as I had thought. Blaine ended up yelling back and telling Sebastian that it’s unfair that he’s pressuring him into something that he isn’t ready for. Things never got physical, thank god, but things apparently got pretty bad. Long story short, Sebastian dumped Blaine because he couldn’t get into his pants. It makes me wonder if that’s all that Sebastian wanted all along. He was nice but he was VERY touchy. He was Blaine’s first everything. However, Blaine wasn’t his first anything at all. He used to be a bit of a whore. Blaine and I both thought he had grown out of that phase. I guess not. Blaine has been sort of a mess about it. It’s not even really that he misses Sebastian. He just feels really dumb about the fact that he let this idiot take over his life. He always did what Sebastian wanted. They always watched the movies Sebastian wanted to watch. They always ate where Sebastian wanted to. They always sang the songs in glee club that Sebastian wanted to. I never knew any of this until Blaine told me. I thought they were really in love. Blaine did love him, though. That’s probably why he let Sebastian run his life.
I think that Blaine was scared of Sebastian leaving him and that’s why he did whatever Sebastian wanted. He didn’t want Sebastian to leave him and turn into the gay whore of Ohio again. That’s why I admire Blaine saying no to sex. It shows that he understands how special that really is. I would have been really disappointed if he had just had sex with Sebastian to keep him around. I definitely know what it feels like to have sex before you’re ready. That’s one of the worst feelings you will ever have. You’ll never get your virginity back. You’ll never be able to forget your first time, whether it was romantic, awkward, clumsy, terrible, or even forced. The memory will never go away. I want him to have better than what I had. I want him to have everything. I want his first time to be with somebody who loves him just as much as he loves them.
I feel conflicted. I almost feel like I want that person to be me. It’ll never be me of course. He would never want somebody as dirty and used as me. I’m not who people fanaticize about having their first time with. People don’t just say, “Yeah, I want my first time to be with somebody who got fucked in a janitor’s closet.” However, I’m still conflicted. It’s like my body really wants sex even though I’m not emotionally stable for it. My dick doesn’t seem to remember being raped but my brain won’t forget. My dick doesn’t remember because it never got hard because Karofsky is ugly as hell and couldn’t turn me on even if my life depended on it. I feel like Blaine deserves to have his first time with somebody better than me even if I want it to be with me maybe someday. He deserves to have his first time with somebody that truly knows the feeling of having your virginity taken by somebody who loves them. I’m never going to have that.
In other news, Adam and Blaine are coming over later and they have a surprise for me. I have no idea what they are planning. I’m kind of scared to find out what those goofballs have planned for me!
Sincerely,
Kurt Hummel