Dear Journal,

          Things are starting to get better finally. I’ve just started on my homeschooling. I do it online. It’s a little bit more complicated because I don’t have a teacher around to help me right away if I don’t understand something. However, it sure beats being thrown into dumpsters every day. I actually quite like it. I like having my own time to do my schoolwork and not having to go by classroom rules. I really don’t miss when the jocks would pass me notes that said ‘fag’ on them. I do miss seeing Blaine every day. He comes by as often as he can, but he’s pretty busy with glee club, homework, and Sebastian. I have to confess something……I am in love with Blaine Anderson.

          I never noticed it until the other day. He was over and we were talking about glee and his classes. He was so enthusiastic about everything and his eyes would light up whenever a new topic came to his head. That’s when I noticed how beautiful his smile was. I noticed how cute his eyes were when they scrunched up. I noticed how pretty his teeth were. I noticed how much I enjoyed knowing that I had made him so happy, even if he was talking about something else. I WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED HIM ABOUT IT. IT COUNTS, OK?! I really knew I was in deep shit when I got jealous as he started talking about his plans with Sebastian. I feel so bad. I like Sebastian. He’s a great guy. He sings very well and he is very handsome. He’s good for Blaine. I don’t see him that much but when I do he is always very sweet and seems like he cares about everything that I went through. That was also the day he told me that he loved Sebastian and was ready to have sex with him. I said that I was happy for him and that he deserved to be happy. However, the feeling of being punched in the gut was definitely present. But I’m honestly surprised that they haven’t screwed yet. If they do I don’t care….I just really don’t want to hear about it.

          Blaine then asked me if I liked anybody. I said yes but that I wasn’t going to tell him who because it doesn’t matter. He told me that the guy would be an idiot to not like me back. No, Blaine Anderson, you are no idiot. It’s funny because he’s basically banging a buy and I’ve never even had a proper kiss. Only Karofsky….and I really don’t like to count those. Blaine says that he thinks it’s cute that I’ve never kissed anybody before and that I just need to find somebody. I hope he does realize that I am not him and that I’m not an attractive boy. I can’t help but notice when I glace to the side slightly, I see him staring at me intently. I really don’t know why he keeps looking at me. I used to think that maybe he liked me a little bit but….he loves Seb. I’m just a friend. He’s probably just worried about me and how I’m doing. I mean, he’s in love, right? You don’t like other people when you’re in love. You don’t like somebody else when you’re about to make love to your boyfriend of six months. I’m just….his friend. That’s all I will ever be.

          It doesn’t exactly help that I’ve been having……dreams about Blaine. Like, those dreams. I feel like such a shitty friend. Even if I’m awake I get easily aroused while thinking about him. Thinking about his beautiful eyes, his strong arms, his….ass. Every time I think about it I start to go crazy! Hell, it’s happening to me right now. Shit. NEVER HAVE A HOT BEST FRIEND THAT YOU HAPPEN TO BE MADLY IN LOVE WITH. It makes you question your morals. My dad thinks I have allergies and that’s why I have no more tissues….oops. Nope, just my dick. Yes, I had had dreams like these before but they were never about anybody in specific. Just a faceless man with a nice body. Now I have a face to that man. Ugh, this is so frustrating! Whenever he is around I can’t stop picturing me and him making out on my bed, him on top of me, grinding against me. I hate feeling that way about my friend. I feel like I’m breaking some sort of rule, you know? The weird thing about all of this is that I don’t even feel ready for sex. Maybe physically I want it, but emotionally I am definitely not ready for it. Karofsky kinda ruined my first experience for me. I definitely wish my virginity could have been taken another way…any other way. You don’t realize how emotional sex really is until you’ve done it. Ive realized that sex shouldn’t be about fucking and having a good time. Yes, it should feel good, but it should feel good because the person that you are being intimate with is somebody that loves you. I cry over this a lot. Over the fact that something that is supposed to be so special was taken from me in such a shitty way. I’m never going to have that romantic first time that I have always dreamed of. I’m always going to have the reality that I was raped by a disgusting guy in a closet at school. Great, isn’t it? I talked to Dr. Pillsbury and she said that I can still have that special first time and that the right person will come along and make me feel loved and beautiful. Yeah, I highly doubt that.

          I feel like damaged goods. Nobody is going to want me after knowing what happened to me. I wouldn’t even want me. I feel like I’m dirty and disgusting and just garbage. Blaine will never choose me over perfect, handsome, tall, muscular, charming Sebastian. He’s the perfect guy for Blaine….and I’m just me. Nobody special. Just a broken little boy who doesn’t know how to stop loving his own best friend that is way too good for him. That’s alright. I’m Kurt Hummel. Good things don’t happen to me. Never have, never will. I’m finally learning how to deal with that and it honestly doesn’t bug me anymore. I’m just numb, and I really don’t see that changing. Dr. Pillsbury keeps saying that it’s all an up-hill battle once I reach rock bottom. I though rock bottom was once I tried to kill myself. However, I don’t exactly see things going up. Have I really still not hit rock bottom? Or am I just going crazy? I mean, I must be a little crazy. After everything I’ve been through it seems natural to be a bit crazy. I still don’t really see this journal helping too much. It just keeps reminding me that I’m an annoying little whiney baby. I don’t even feel like I deserve happiness anymore…..nobody cares about me but Blaine.....nobody cares about me except for the person that I love and will never have, and that sucks.

Sincerely,

Kurt Hummel