Kurt decided to keep it simple. A box of chocolate-dipped strawberries as a token gift, and a heartfelt declaration of his feelings. He didn't want to overwhelm Blaine or create a potentially awkward situation. He was pretty certain that Blaine would be thrilled, that Blaine had wanted to be his boyfriend all along. But Kurt's stomach still churned with nervousness at the possibility, however unlikely, that he might be rejected. He supposed that putting your true feelings out there is never easy.

"I got you something," Kurt said. He picked up the red, ribbon-tied box from his desk and held it out for Blaine.

The joy in Blaine's eyes was unmistakable. They might as well have turned heart-shaped. "Aww, Kurt, you shouldn't have!" Blaine pulled the ribbon off and opened the box, smiling happily at the treats inside. "Thank you, that's so thoughtful of you!"

Kurt took a deep breath. Here goes, he thought, working up his courage. "Blaine, I—"

"Wait, I got you something too," Blaine said. He reached into his bag and pulled out a brown cardboard gift box, tied with a gold ribbon. "I know we're not dating, but ... it felt like I should get you a Valentine's present anyway, and ... I guess you felt the same way. Anyway, I've wanted to give you something like this for a while, and it was a good opportunity so ... I'm babbling now. You should open it."

Kurt swallowed hard when he opened the box. It was a pair of handcuffs. He felt his pulse pounding in his throat as he stared down at the cuffs, thinking—trying not to think—about what he so very much wanted to do with them.

"Please don't misunderstand this," Blaine said. Kurt looked up and met his eyes. "I'm not asking you to use them on me, not if you don't want to. I'm not trying to push at all. I just wanted to show you how very much I trust you. That you could use these on me, I would let you, without any reservations. Because you're ... you're an amazing dom, Kurt. Even if you don't realize it yet, I know it's true, every time we're together you're just incredible. You have no idea how many guys out there are truly awful, but you ... I just want you to know how wonderful you are, and how much I appreciate it, and how much I trust you."

Kurt traced his finger along the open curve of one of the cuffs, his heart pounding. He had his speech planned and memorized down to the letter. Everything else in his brain was a confused mess right now, but he remembered the words as clearly as if they were written on paper. But the last thing he wanted to do right now was give a speech. What he really wanted to do ... he couldn't bring himself to put words to that.

I've realized that what we've been doing together isn't just play or learning, he was supposed to begin. Kurt opened his mouth, but his throat was dry and he couldn't speak. He reached for Blaine, sitting next to him on the bed, and lifted his left hand. Without a word, he took the handcuffs out of the box and snapped one ring shut around Blaine's wrist.

"Kurt," Blaine drew out his name in a low moan.

"Back. Against the headboard." The command was sharp and quick. Blaine scrambled back, sitting up straight against the head of the bed.

It means something to me. You mean something to me. He followed Blaine across the bed, up on his knees, then threaded the open cuff behind one of the slats in the headboard and snapped it shut around Blaine's right wrist, securing him there.

"Oh god," Blaine whispered.

Kurt stared at him. The trust in his sub's eyes was intoxicating. But the tiny hint of fear in his sub's eyes, that was what really set him on fire. Somewhere in the back of Kurt's mind, the knowledge that Blaine was not actually his sub was floating around, but he could not bring himself to pay it any attention.

I want you to be my boyfriend. I hope that's what you want, too. It wouldn't be much different than how things are now, I think, it would just be more honest. Kurt's brought his face so close to Blaine's that his eyes couldn't even focus. "Mine," he said harshly, and covered Blaine's mouth with a deep, owning kiss. It was like no other kiss they'd shared before. Much rougher, Kurt's teeth biting at Blaine's lips until he forced them open with his tongue, thrusting in by rocking his entire body toward Blaine, crashing the back of Blaine's head against the headboard. "Mine," he said again, nearly a sob, moving his mouth down to Blaine's neck and biting, sucking, biting again at the flesh there.

Blaine groaned. "Yours, yes, yours. You can have me, you can have anything, I'm yours."

And I'll be honest, I'm still scared of sex. Kurt tore at Blaine's shirt, ripping the buttons apart, and pushed the fabric down his shoulders until it caught at his bound wrists. He rucked the undershirt up to Blaine's shoulders, and then lifted the front hem and neckline over Blaine's head to rest behind his neck, restricting the motion of his shoulders even more.

"We should have taken those off before we put the handcuffs on," Blaine said with a nervous giggle.

Kurt looked him over, his chest exposed and the fabric of his shirts crumpled and stretched, framing his body. "I like it better this way."

Blaine's eyes glazed over. "Oh god, yes."

Kurt started to unbutton his own shirt. He didn't even know why he was doing this. He hadn't planned it at all. He'd taken one look at those handcuffs, and Blaine sitting there so absolutely willing, so completely vulnerable, so eager to be taken ... It stirred something inside himself that he never even acknowledged the existence of, something that scared him whenever it crossed the threshold of his consciousness. Something that, in Kurt's mind, felt dark and animal and entirely unlike himself.

His shirt off, he straddled Blaine's lap and held his face in both hands. "Fuck, you're so fucking hot." He kissed him again.

But we can go slow, and figure it out together. I'll find a way to take care of you, if you want me to do that for you. I promise, I can do this. I want to. For you. Kurt moved his hands to Blaine's shoulders and pressed their bodies together. He was so hard now, his pants felt tight with his erection straining against them. He couldn't help it, he thrust his hips, grinding against Blaine's stomach. When he rocked back into Blaine's lap, he felt Blaine's erection too, pressing hard against his ass through both of their pants.

Blaine was gone, he was under, and he was babbling whenever Kurt let his mouth free. "Yes, yes, I want you, oh god, please more, please."

Kurt thrust against him again and again, burying his face in Blaine's neck and kissing, biting, breathing in the smell of his sweat and his lust. "God, I'm so close," Kurt moaned.

"Please, please, you can come, I want to watch you, I want to see your face when you come. I want to know how good I can make you feel, please Sir, let me see you."

"No, I can't," Kurt gasped, thrusting again. He could ... it would be so easy. Blaine was asking for it, he wanted it, they both wanted it. What was the harm, really? Why shouldn't he just give in to it?

"Please," Blaine begged again.

"I can't, it's not fair if I come and I don't let you..." But he couldn't stop moving against Blaine, using his body to bring himself as close to the brink as possible. He could hardly bring himself to care what Blaine was feeling. He only wanted to take, take, take until there was nothing left that was denied to him.

"I don't need to, please, it's enough for me just to see you, please, please."

Because I love you.

Kurt shook his head. "No, I can't, I can't." He tore himself away, rolled to the side and threw himself off the bed, coming to rest in a fetal position with his back against the bed. This wasn't how you were supposed to treat someone you love, he screamed at himself silently. He didn't even know who he was anymore.

He heard the clink of the handcuffs impacting the headboard rail, and Blaine fell back against the headboard with an anguished groan. "Kurt? Kurt? I can't ... are you okay?"

Kurt ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. As absorbed as he was in figuring out what was going on with himself, he couldn't forget Blaine. Who he had left handcuffed to the bed.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he said, even though it was a blatant lie. "I'm so sorry, let me find the key." He looked around on the floor and found the upturned box, then the key a short distance away, right up against the edge of the nightstand. He picked it up and pulled himself to a standing position.

Blaine was on the bed, trapped. He'd brought his knees up to try to hide his erection, Kurt assumed. His hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions, and the skin of his neck bloomed with bite marks and angry purple-red spots from Kurt's harsh kisses. Kurt groaned to see it, disgusted with himself and even more disgusted by how turned on he got from looking at the way he'd destroyed Blaine's body.

Kurt looked away, forced himself to focus strictly on Blaine's hands as he unlocked the cuffs. He had to take care of Blaine. It was his responsibility, no matter how much of a mess he was himself. "Do you need anything? Water or juice or ... do your wrists hurt, should I ...?"

"I'm fine, Kurt, but you're not."

Blaine did sound fine. He'd come out of his subspace trance quickly and easily. He didn't seem scared at all, or hurt, despite what Kurt had just done to him. Kurt was puzzled. He didn't understand how Blaine could be so calm after what had just happened.

"No, I'm fine, are you sure you don't need ..."

"If you're fine, then look at me," Blaine said.

Kurt couldn't meet his eyes. He focused on Blaine's forehead instead.

"You're not fooling me," Blaine said softly. "Can we please talk about it? Please, just sit down, tell me what's wrong."

"No, I ... I ..." Kurt fumbled and turned away.

Blaine came up behind and put his hands on Kurt's shoulders. "Kurt," he said gently. "Please let me help you."

Kurt's final bit of strength crumbled away, and he let himself collapse onto the bed. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. I'm so sorry. I couldn't control myself, and I broke a bunch of the rules, and I almost broke more of them, and I wasn't nice to you at all, I'm so sorry, I'm a terrible person, I'm sorry."

"Kurt, you're not ... you're not a terrible person." Blaine sounded almost confused. "Everything you did today, I wanted all of that. I was totally into it. I was begging for more. Nothing bad happened. I don't understand ..."

"But I broke all the rules! We're not supposed to touch below the waist, but I was grinding against you anyway! And I would have ... I almost ... it was almost sex, Blaine, I almost didn't stop myself. And we didn't even talk about changing the rules. I am so sorry, I don't know what got into me. I'm not ... I'm not like that ... At least, I didn't think I was."

"Kurt ..." Blaine nudged his shoulder with one hand, guiding Kurt to face him directly. "Those rules ... you didn't put them there to protect me. You put them there to hide from yourself. Because you're scared of your own instincts. But you don't need to be. Your instincts are good. They're part of you, and you don't need to run from them. Because you're a good person, Kurt, all the way down to your core. I know it."

Kurt shook his head. Blaine didn't understand. Today was supposed to have been sweet and romantic, and Kurt had messed up the entire thing. He'd let his hormones take over and turn it into a harsh, lust-crazed episode. How could he even think about being in a relationship with Blaine, if he was capable of behaving like this?

"I can't control myself," Kurt said, trying to explain. "It's scary for me, and I can't imagine how scary it must be for you. I don't deserve your trust."

"But you can control yourself. You did. You stopped it when you didn't want it to go on any further. And I have no doubt, if I'd used a safeword, you would have stopped right away. Wouldn't you?"

"I ... I think so. I don't know."

Blaine leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. "You would have. I know you would."

"You deserve so much better than me, Blaine."

"There's no such thing. There's nobody better than you." The amount of trust in Blaine's eyes, god, it made Kurt's heart ache. He wanted to shake Blaine and tell him to wake up, to stop putting so much faith in an unlearned, untested boy who had no idea what he was doing.

"That's sweet of you to say, but we both know it's not true."

"But—"

Kurt cut him off. "Stop. Enough of this. You want to make me feel better, I get it, but I just ... I'm so confused and ... I just need some space. I need to think. By myself. Maybe next weekend, we could—"

"Oh," Blaine said, his face falling. "I was meaning to tell you. I can't come to Lima next weekend. I, um ... I have a date. I'm so sorry, I usually try to schedule them during the week so that I can spend my weekends with you, but he's only getting into town on Saturday afternoon, so we had to schedule it on Saturday night and ... I'm sorry. I'll really miss you. But there's not much time left, so I ... didn't think I should say no."

Kurt was fairly certain that if he looked down at his own chest, he'd see the hilt of a dagger sticking out of it. The pain was so sharp it had to be physical, didn't it? He closed his eyes. Of course Blaine was dating other guys. Kurt had even told him to, ordered him not to wait until the last minute. It was the smart thing to do, and Blaine was right, time was running out. It had been two and a half months already. He hadn't expected Blaine to sit around and wait for him, especially not after Kurt had been so clear early on about not wanting to take on that role.

He could stop this. He was almost certain that if he said what he'd intended to say today, Blaine would still say yes, even after what had just happened. But he couldn't bring himself to do that. Blaine deserved better than him. Blaine deserved someone who knew what they were doing and could take good care of him. Not someone like Kurt, too weak to control himself, let alone take care of someone else. He couldn't take this opportunity away from Blaine.

"I could ... I could cancel it," Blaine said, his voice sounding almost eager. "Or I could get up really early on Sunday, and come out to Lima just for the day."

"No, Blaine, that's silly," Kurt forced himself to say. "It's too long a drive for just one day, and you'll be tired after ... after ..." He took a calming breath. "Don't cancel your plans just to come see a friend. You need to take care of yourself."

Blaine nodded glumly. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"There's nothing to apologize for," Kurt said, trying to sound calm. He couldn't stand to look at Blaine another minute. Blaine, with his adoring, sad eyes. Blaine, with hickeys standing out on his neck even as the bite marks began to fade. Blaine, who might be about to sleep with another guy next weekend.

Kurt had to send him away. He couldn't talk about this any more, it was too hard. He couldn't let Blaine stay here when every second was an almost unbearable temptation to wrap his arms around him and kiss him until they both lost their senses, lost control, lost everything.

"I'll call you tomorrow," he said. Blaine looked shocked at being dismissed like that. Kurt had to look away from his pleading eyes.

"Kurt..."

"I can't. I'm sorry. I can't."

---------------------------------------

Blaine sped down the empty freeway. He was usually a cautious driver, but today he broke the speed limit, needing to run away, to put the miles behind him as quickly as possible. He didn't understand how everything had gone so terribly wrong.

He hadn't expected Kurt's reaction to his gift. He was prepared for a little bit of anger, maybe a punishment at trying to push him again, though that hadn't been his intention at all. He'd thought most likely Kurt would blush and laugh, put the handcuffs away, and they'd spend the day doing their usual things—watching TV or working on their homework side by side, maybe with a little bit of kissing or fooling around.

He never thought Kurt would actually use the cuffs. But oh, how his heart had leapt when Kurt bound him to the bed. It had been a little bit scary at first, being unable to move, but he'd let himself give in to it and enjoy it. Everything he'd said had been true, about how deeply he trusted Kurt, and it was so exciting to know that the trust worked in practice, not just in theory.

And oh, Kurt had never been hotter. The way he'd just taken over, not asking Blaine for permission, not checking constantly to make sure he was okay, just taking what he wanted. Blaine was getting turned on again just thinking about it, which meant he probably should avoid thinking about it as much as possible.

They'd come so very close. Blaine wouldn't have needed anything more than that to come. And if he had, if Kurt had let him ... just a single word from Kurt, an order or even just permission to come ... all of Blaine's nightmares would have been over. Or at least, delayed for another three months. He'd never expected to get that from Kurt, but after getting so tantalizingly close today, the absence of it was torturous.

And then the way Kurt had run from it, from Blaine, from himself. Blaine's inability to convince him that everything was okay, even though it was so incredibly more than okay ...

Why wouldn't Kurt believe him? Kurt was the most wonderful guy in the world. He was everything Blaine had ever wanted, more than he'd ever dreamed of being able to have. Why couldn't Kurt see his own worth? Why didn't Kurt have faith in himself? Why didn't he see what Blaine could see? Why didn't he see that he was entirely deserving of Blaine's trust and love?

Love.

Blaine had to pull off the road. He started to cry as he finally admitted to himself what he'd felt all along. I love you.

He picked up his phone and pulled up Kurt's number. He held his finger over the call button for a long time, trying to think of what he could say. But Kurt couldn't be convinced, or at least, Blaine couldn't figure out how. If Kurt loved him back, he was confused and upset and couldn't deal with it right now. And if Kurt didn't, then this was the last thing he would want to hear.

Blaine threw the phone down onto the passenger seat, started the car again, and got back on the road to Dalton.