Sept. 2, 2013, 5:12 p.m.
Married: Chapter 7
T - Words: 1,380 - Last Updated: Sep 02, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 22/22 - Created: Jun 27, 2013 - Updated: Sep 02, 2013 107 0 0 0 0
The New Yorkers all had work on Monday morning, and Blaine had a plane to catch, so everyone went to bed early on Sunday night. Kurt and Blaine couldn't have sex, with just a thin curtain separating them from their roommates, but that was all right. They'd had plenty of opportunities since Wednesday.
Tonight they lay in bed, face to face and arms around each other, legs entangled, breathing in sync with each other. They spoke in whispers, words of love, of planning, grand schemes for their lives together and tiny details about how to decorate their new apartment. Their eyes shone with the wonder and mystery of it all.
Their conversation hit a pause and Blaine stroked Kurt's hair. Kurt breathed deeply in, and let it out in a long sigh. "Blaine?" he asked shyly. "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course," Blaine answered.
"I'm kind of scared," Kurt confessed. "I feel so alone. I mean ... you and I are joined in a way we've never been before, so I'm not alone in that sense. But the two of us, we're alone together. We're separated from everyone else because we're keeping our marriage a secret. And that's ... really lonely. And scary. Don't you think?"
Blaine thought about this for a long moment. "I don't feel scared about that," he finally said. "You're the only person I really need. And now that I know I have you ... I feel exactly the opposite of alone."
"I think it's because of not telling my father," Kurt said. "I haven't kept a secret this big from him since ... well, since before I came out. And it was such a relief to tell him that I was gay, to not have to keep that secret from him anymore. He always has the best advice, always knows what I should do. What if ... what if we have problems and we can't tell anyone because they don't know we're married? I mean, people always say that marriage is hard work, and I'm not sure exactly what that means, but what if we don't know how to do the work and we can't ask anyone for advice because then we'd have to tell them we're married but we don't want anyone to know that, and—"
Blaine cut him off. "Kurt, sweetheart ... you're starting to panic. There's no need to worry about that right now. Maybe we won't have problems, or we'll figure them out ourselves. Or if we do decide we need advice, I think getting it will be more important than keeping this whole thing a secret. Let's promise not to let the secrecy drive us apart, or drive us into doing stupid things. Okay?"
Kurt nodded. "Okay. You're right. It's silly, I know I'm being irrational, I'm just ... scared."
"Of what, exactly?"
"Of ... of ... I'm not sure."
"Can you try to describe it?" Blaine pushed gently.
"Of being ... um ... not of being together, I'm not scared of being with you again." Kurt's mouth twisted to one side as he pondered this. "Not of being married, that's not exactly it either, but it's closer. Of ... my dad has always been the most important person in my life, but now ... now there's this big thing that I'm not telling him. And I know we could change our minds and tell him and it would work out okay ... but I don't really feel like I need to, or even want to right now. There' s a huge, important thing in my life and I'm choosing not to tell my dad even though he's supposed to be the most important person in my life, the one who's always there for me and knows everything about me. So I guess that's what's scary. The fact that I'm okay with keeping a secret this big from my dad. That ... maybe he's not the most important person in my life anymore."
Blaine looked searchingly into Kurt's eyes. "Do you mean that maybe ... I don't mean to be presumptuous, but ... maybe your husband is more important to you than your father is?"
Kurt's heart pounded. "Yeah. Maybe he is."
"Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?"
"I guess it is. But it's still scary. It's, like, really really grown-up." Kurt took a deep breath and then laughed. "Wow, the way I said that did not sound grown-up at all."
Blaine laughed along with him. "One step at a time, I guess."
"It doesn't scare you?" Kurt asked.
Blaine shook his head. "Not much, no. Maybe because I've never been close with my parents the way you are with Burt, it doesn't feel so weird that someone else is more important to me than they are. Because you are, you know. You're the most important person in the world to me. You have been for ... well, a long time."
Kurt smiled warmly.
"I'm scared about something else, though," Blaine said, his voice rapidly losing confidence.
Kurt's forehead wrinkled in worry.
"I'm scared about going home tomorrow," Blaine said, barely above a whisper.
"Why?" Kurt asked.
"I'm scared of being away from you. I'm going to be so alone, just like ... just like last time, when you first left for New York. I'm afraid that you'll forget how much you love me, or ... or that I will forget how much you love me, and ... that I'll do something mind-bogglingly stupid again because I'll just be so lonely and alone." Blaine swallowed hard, blinking back tears.
Kurt blinked in confusion. "I don't understand, Blaine. We're married. I married you. How could that possibly not be enough to convince you that I love you?"
"It's not that it's not enough." Blaine struggled to find the words. "When I don't see you every day, things just ... unravel in my mind. Little things, little fears start to seem really big because you're not there to reassure me ... the way you look at me, the way you touch me, that's what reminds me every day that you love me. And when we're in different cities ... I don't have that. And I need it. I'm not worried at all about living with you. When we're physically together, that's easy for me. It's these first two months, when I'm stuck in Lima, that's what I'm worried about."
Kurt pondered that for a minute. "Okay ... I think I can understand that. It's not something I can really relate to personally, but I get what you're saying."
"That's, um, good? But it doesn't really help me feel better."
"So, what can I do to help? What would make this easier for you?"
"Oh, that's a good question," Blaine said. "Maybe ... I think, if we talk every day. Like, really talk. It doesn't have to be for a long time, but if we could just give each other our full attention for, like, five minutes a day. If I could feel like you were really seeing me, and letting me really see you, just that little bit."
Kurt nodded. "I can do that."
"Really?"
Kurt wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, of course. Is that a surprise?"
"Um ... kind of. Yes."
Kurt's eyes filled unexpectedly with tears. "I'm ... Blaine, I'm so sorry. You've apologized a million times, but I never did, and I ... part of what happened was my fault. I could have done better. I shouldn't have been so caught up in myself, I lost sight of you ..."
"It's okay, Kurt. What I did was way worse than anything you did, so ..."
"No, it's not okay," Kurt insisted. "I love you, and I should have never given you any reason to forget that or doubt it at all."
"It's ... Kurt, it's..."
"I love you," Kurt sobbed. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I know, Kurt," Blaine said, holding him as tight as he could. "I know, and I love you, too."
When the tears subsided, Kurt spoke, his words broken by a hiccup or two. "You know, I think maybe we're doing a pretty good job of working stuff out."
Blaine smiled through his tears. "Love you so much."