Trust

Chapter Fourteen

Kurt doesn’t think he’s ever been more embarrassed in his life.  Yes, internally his 16-year-old-self might be doing cartwheels because Finn is willingly watching him naked and in a sexual situation, but his 21-year-old-self is dying of mortification.  He’s never seen himself as a sexual creature and the fact that Blaine finds him attractive is so, so wonderful, but there’s a really big reason that he’s never looked at the videos for himself and he’s starting to see why.

All he can see are the imperfections in his own body, the way he still has a little bit of baby fat around his stomach that’s never really evaporated, the way that his feet really are kind of huge and it’s more noticeable with cuffs around his ankles, the fact that he just gets really, really flushed when he’s turned on…and of course the fact that his stepbrother and two of his closest friends are watching him orgasm while tied up are all things that are making this situation unbearable, and when the clip ends he can see Finn sit back and swallow heavily, looking ill. 

“Like I said.  Wanky,” Santana grins at him and reaches to punch his arm lightly.  “Didn’t know you were such a bottom-boy, Kurt.  But you know, if Britt and I weren’t exclusive now I’d totally tap that.”

“So would I,” Brittany chimes in.  “You’re such a pretty, pretty dolphin.  I wish we could have done it when we were dating,” she pouts and Santana gets an evil glint in her eye, leaning forward. 

“Well, if Britt and I both want it…”

“I’m taken,” Kurt says automatically, because while he does love Santana and Brittany dearly, the last thing he’d ever do is sleep with them.  “I’ve got a boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend know you do that?” Santana gestures to the screen, where it’s still frozen on an image of Kurt, and Kurt reaches to slam the laptop closed.  “Well, does he?”

“Yeah,” Finn sounds hoarse, eyes haunted, and Santana shrugs. 

“Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess.  Still…”

“Santana, why don’t you and Britt go visit Rachel or something?  I wanna talk to Kurt.  Alone,” Finn adds and Kurt shivers, because he’s never really been afraid of Finn but he almost is now. 

“Nasty.  I knew watching him beg would turn you on, Hudson.  I’ve always wondered about you,” Santana stands up and takes Brittany’s hand, waving behind her as they leave the apartment and Kurt wishes the couch would just suck him into another dimension or something because he really, really does not want to do this. 

They sit in silence for a little bit, Finn keeps swallowing and blinking and looking like he’s seen a ghost, and he eventually takes a deep breath and stands up.  “I have about a billion things I wanna say to you but I know that I don’t do well without thinking about things, so I’m gonna just…go for a walk or something.  I just…” he shakes his head.  “Tell me one thing: has he ever hurt you?”

“No,” Kurt says instantly, knowing that Finn’s talking about Blaine, and this seems to be good enough for Finn because he moves away to grab a coat and Kurt feels the tears start to pool in his eyes. 

He’s always counted on Finn, at least ever since their parents got married; he knows Finn has his back and will support him through everything, but he’d never imagined that he could do something that would cause Finn to turn his back on him and it hurts.  A tiny, choked-off sob escapes his lips and Finn turns enough that Kurt can see the tears in his eyes as well (and Finn’s always cried easily for how tough he always claims to be). 

“Kurt, I promise, I’m not…I’m shocked, yeah, and I’m really, really confused, but I’m not mad. Okay?  I just don’t wanna say something I’m gonna regret,” his voice is soft and Kurt can’t help but believe him, but the fact that Finn would normally hug him or at least pat his shoulder on the way out and this time he doesn’t touch him at all isn’t lost on him and he collapses in sobs as soon as the door’s closed. 

000

Blaine’s honestly thinking of going to see Kurt.  He’s got a rare night off, his one early client having canceled because of a stomach bug, and he’s sitting in their coffee shop nursing a medium drip when the door chimes open and Finn Hudson storms in, eyes dark as he heads to the counter and if this were a cartoon proverbial thunderclouds would be building over his head.

Blaine doesn’t know if he should say anything, because he really doesn’t know Finn all that well and it might be weird, but a second later Finn’s eyes meet his and he’s stalking across the shop without even buying a coffee, hands clenched in fists by his sides like he’s physically restraining himself and Blaine shrinks backwards.

Yes, he’s taken self-defense classes…pretty much had to considering where he grew up and how small he was…but Finn’s huge and he’s not sure if that will do him any good if the other man decides to grab his collar and hoist him over the table. 

Finn, however, merely sits across from him with a scowl and fiddles with his coat buttons for a bit before sighing.  “I wasn’t really looking for you, man, but maybe it’s good that I found you.  So, a couple of friends of mine and Kurt’s came over today and they’d found something kinda…interesting on a website…”

He trails off, fidgeting, and Blaine knows what he’s talking about and it’s one of the worst things that can happen to one of their performers, their families finding out and usually they’re…not all that understanding.  He hates that it had to happen to Kurt but he knows that’s the risk they take allowing their work to be showcased on a public website, but…

“Finn, I…”

“I didn’t really talk to him about it.  I just…needed to get out before I said something I’d regret later, y’know?”

“So you’re not going to kick my ass?” Blaine asks timidly and Finn gives him a curious look for a moment before shaking his head.  “Okay.  Just checking.”

“Dude, I just…” Finn sighs, putting his head in his hands and looking utterly confused.  “I watch porn.  Lately I watch a lot of porn ‘cuz I’m single, but I never thought I’d…know somebody in porn, you know?”

“For the record, he’s not a porn star,” Blaine says quickly, because that’s also a common misconception.  “It’s not his only job to do this and he’s not in anything that’s going to be released as more than Internet streaming.  It’s just…supplemental income.”

“Because Rachel and I broke up?” Finn sits back then, something haunted coming into his dark eyes.  “Shit.  So it’s my fault.”

“Finn, it’s not your fault…”

“Yeah, it is,” Finn sighs and leans forward, resting his forehead on the table and it’s kind of dramatic and more than a little odd-looking.  “Dude, if I’d’ve been able to work things out with her?  We wouldn’t’ve needed to afford another apartment.  That’s like twice as much rent!  And if I wasn’t so damn stupid maybe I could actually go to school and have a job but I can’t and…”

“Hey,” Blaine’s not sure if he’s overstepping his bounds but he reaches to put a hand on Finn’s wrist, getting him to look up.  “It’s not your fault.  Kurt doesn’t blame you…”

“Sorry, dude, but it is, and you’re not gonna make me feel better about the fact that my…my stepbrother’s out there on the Internet for anybody to see!  I mean, do you know how much his dad’ll flip if he finds out?” Finn looks terrified and Blaine doesn’t know that much about Mr. Hummel, but any parent wouldn’t really want their child to end up doing pornography, so… “I just…why?”

“Because of the pay,” Blaine says immediately.  “It’s why I do it.  The money’s alluring and for somebody like Kurt who’s busy during the day he can come in at night, and he…he’s really good,” Blaine doesn’t know if he should say that, but it’s true.  “He’s just…the first time I saw him I knew he was something special, but maybe it’s because he’s trained as an actor, but he’s…”

“I really don’t wanna hear my brother’s good at porn, dude.  I’m already gonna need to like bleach my brain or something,” Finn rubs at his temples and Blaine smiles a little, because he can tell Finn’s just a good guy who wants to keep his brother safe.  “So you’re…I mean, you don’t seem like the type of guy…” he gestures and Blaine bites his lip, knowing where this is going.

“I’m not,” Blaine says quietly.  “Just like he’s not.  If it makes you feel any better, we tried switching roles once and I think it came to both of us far easier.”

“Dude, don’t need the mental images,” Finn squeezes his eyes shut and Blaine hides a smile behind his hand, trying to smooth his features before the other man looks at him again.  “Anyway, so you…he…”

“I’ve never hurt him, Finn,” Blaine says honestly and Finn nods, something flashing in his eyes.

“I know. He told me that and I believe him, dude, because you don’t seem like the type of guy to do that and, trust me, he’s been hurt enough.  He wouldn’t take it if you did,” Finn’s the one to smile this time but Blaine admits that he’s probably right.  Kurt’s tougher than anybody might first give him credit for.  “So you and he aren’t…I mean, if you’re not getting paid for it…”

“No,” Blaine barks a laugh because the question is strange but honestly he can see how Finn would draw those conclusions.  “Ask Kurt, my room is freakishly normal, my roommates are friends from high school, I’m just a normal guy.  I don’t have a secret sex dungeon in my apartment,” he promises and Finn looks rather relieved at the admission.

“Okay.  Good. ‘Cuz I think you’re a good guy and you’re super-good for him and I really didn’t wanna have to kick your ass,” he sits back and looks around, almost like he’s contemplating something.  “And right now I could totally use coffee because I think I’m gonna need it before the day’s over.”

Blaine watches him go, all lanky limbs and uncoordinated gait, and thinks that Kurt’s really lucky to have somebody like Finn even if they’re not blood-related.  Yes, Cooper would do the same for him, but they’ve grown up together and from the sounds of it Kurt and Finn had a rather unconventional relationship to begin with but somehow they’ve taken that and forged it into something incredibly strong. 

Finn comes back a few minutes later with another giant iced concoction and slumps into his seat, scrubbing a hand through his dark hair and letting out a huge sigh before asking, with complete seriousness, “You’re an Ohio boy, right?  How about them Browns?” and Blaine feels the tension melt away.

At least, until they have to leave the coffee shop.

000

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks once they’re outside, Finn shuffling his feet and looking around at everything and nothing and, truth be told, it’s making Blaine nervous.  “I know you probably don’t know what to say to him, but he’s still Kurt, Finn.  He’s still the same guy you’ve always known…”

“I know,” Finn admits with a defeated shrug.  “I get that, man.  It’s not like he’s stolen anything or killed anybody, he just…had sex where people can see it, and there’s totally nothing wrong with that, but…if you knew him, like, even a year ago?  The word ‘sex’ had him covering his ears and singing ‘I can’t hear you!’ in a really annoying way, and now he’s just…it’s weird,” he settles on and okay, Blaine can see how that might be weird, but Kurt’s still twenty-one and all of those hormones are probably bouncing around like crazy. 

“I can imagine,” Blaine starts walking toward Kurt’s apartment and Finn follows after a moment, keeping pace with him as they meander down the street.  “So you’re not mad at him?  Or me?”

“Nah,” Finn shrugs.  “I mean, still trying to wrap my head around it, but it’s not like you guys did anything wrong and I know he wouldn’t date you if you weren’t awesome, so I’ve just…gotta think of it as a job, and not that Kurt’s some sort of weird guy who gets his kicks getting tied up while people watch him come, y’know?  And that might take a while.  But I promise I’m gonna try not to be weird about it when we talk to him,” he says honestly, even though Blaine can see he still has so many questions, but it’s a start.

And hopefully, for Kurt’s sake, it’s enough.