Thursday Blaine called Sebastian in the morning. He apologized for not having texted him back and Sebastian said that it was fine. The conversation went from sweet and innocent to dirty, heated phonesex.

Blaine was surprised. They had never done that before, and he had thought he never would. He wasn't even one to masturbate - not even in the shower.

He had promised himself to not have sex with Sebastian again - at least until he had told him everything about Kurt. But Sebastian had been sweet and talked about how much he missed touching him and before Blaine knew it he had his pants down around his thighs and his hand locked around his cock with Sebastian moaning and telling him what he missed doing to him.

When Blaine was relaxed with come down his thigh and over his hand he cleaned himself off and pulled his pants back on. He slid down under his covers and turned to lie on the side with his phone still glued to his ear.

"I love you," Sebastian said, still orgasm-dozy and Blaine stiffened in the bed.

No, no, no, no, not now! He can't say that!

Blaine didn't know what to say. He had done his best to avoid saying anything back for close to a week now, but he couldn't keep doing it. At some point Sebastian would start wondering why he didn't say it back - especially because Blaine had been the one to push him into saying it.

"I love it when you say that," Blaine mumbled back and squeezed his eyes shut. This was terrible. He was terrible. If he wasn't going to hell for being gay, drinking and having sex before marriage he sure was for this.

"I love saying it. I don't think I ever will stop saying it," Sebastian returned and Blaine could hear him yawn.

Fortunately Sebastian excused himself that he had to leave to get ready to go to a breakfast meeting and Blaine thanked the higher powers.

They said goodbye and Blaine rushed to the shower. He felt cheap and dirty. He wished badly that he could end this charade soon.

He needed something to keep his mind occupied so he turned up the music as loud as he could without disturbing the neighbors and spent the entire day on cleaning his room.

Around mid-afternoon he met Tina in town and they had lunch together before shopping.

It was nice to get out of the apartment and away from the pub where nothing was connected to memories. It was liberating and a welcomed change.

By the end of the afternoon Blaine was back to being chipper and couldn't stop feeling how much he felt the need to find a way to show Tina how much he appreciated her being in his life. He promised himself to find a way as soon as possible. She deserved to be shown how much he loved her.

They went to the pub where they were set to work from 6 to midnight. Customers were buzzing around them and Martin was already behind the bar when they arrived.

They quickly got into their working clothes in the backroom and hurried out to get working. It felt nice to let loose at work and after an hour Blaine was back to chatting and flirting with the customers and he had several dance/sing-offs with Tina over the night.

After a few hours he went to the backroom to make sure he didn't neglect Sebastian's texts too much. As expected he had a few and he decided to call him instead. They talked for a few minutes before Blaine figured that he had to return to work so he hung up and promised to text him before bed.

"I'll handle this, Martin," Blaine heard Tina say when he returned to the bar.

Tina rushed by him and she looked as if she was extremely upset. Upset in a way he hadn't seen her before.

That's when he saw it. Kurt was sitting by the end of the bar and said that he just wanted to talk to Blaine, so he kept behind Martin and Tina to figure out what was going on. He could feel that his face was red and his stomach had turned upside down.

"Kurt, just leave Blaine alone. He doesn't want to talk to you so just get out," Tina spat at him.

Martin rushed to handle the customers at the other end and Kurt caught Blaine's eyes so he ran around the bar to talk to him instead of Tina. Blaine was paralyzed and didn't know what to do.

"Blaine, please listen to me. I am so sorry I didn't respond to your texts. I was so busy in the theater and…"

"Kurt, just stop, okay?! I saw you with that guy, and just… get out okay. I deleted your number, I don't wanna see you again," Blaine snapped at him, with a feeling that he was standing next to himself seeing him having this bizarre conversation with Kurt.

Kurt looked like he had been slapped in the face. He was shocked and tears started brimming his eyes.

"Blaine, please, just give me a chance to explain. I'll wait until you get off, just give me a chance to explain, please. Please, Blaine," Kurt kept begging but Blaine turned on his heel and hurried to the backroom.

He could hear Martin telling Kurt to leave, and Kurt's crying voice begging Blaine to give him another chance, but the sound died out between voices from customers and the music from the speakers.

He dropped down on a chair and hid his face in his hands where he screamed. Loud and growling until his lungs hurt and his voice was rasp. He bit his own hand in a desperate attempt to make his pain go away.

After having sat for a few minutes he got back to his feet. He couldn't let it take over his life again. He still had three hours of work left and he had a pub full of happy people waiting for him to bring them drinks.

"Are you okay?" Tina asked as he returned to the bar. She was filling glasses with ice and clearly stressed out over the high level of the orders of the night.

"Yeah. Screw him. I'll be fine," Blaine choked out, hoping that if he said it often enough he would start believing it himself.

For the rest of the night Blaine wandered around forcing himself to keep his mood up. He knew that Tina was sending him worried looks whenever she saw a chance, but he simply pretended that he didn't notice.

He was sick of being pitied and worried over, and he was sick of not being in charge of his own life - so he kept singing along to the music, flirted with anyone who made a move for it and engaged in different conversations with the eager customers.

When their shift ended he already knew that Tina was meeting Mike for a late-night dance job in town. They were supposed to dance in the background of a shoot of some sort of indie music video and apparently it was badly paid but a good way to be seen as dancers.

She offered him to drop it so he didn't have to be alone, but he said that he would go straight to bed when he came home. She appreciated it and assured him that he should call if he needed anything. He thanked her and hurried to say goodnight so he could get some time alone.

On the way to the station he called Sebastian. For a second he considered to tell him that he loved him, but couldn't get the words over his lips - not when it wasn't true. He just wanted to know what it felt like to say it and to hear Sebastian's reaction. If he couldn't give Sebastian the reality of loving him, and when he loved Blaine so deeply, maybe it would be okay with a hallucination of his love being returned?

They talked a bit about Sebastian's day and Blaine's shopping spree with Tina. When he got off at the station they said goodnight and hung up.

Blaine was miserable. Everything seemed darker and colder around him even though it was blooming summer in New York. He was afraid that as soon as he hit his pillow all of his despair and anguish would take over again, making him squirm in the bed from his internal pain.

He found out his keys and started to heavily climb the stairs to the apartment. He nearly stopped halfway there so he could turn around to go sleep in Sebastian's bed for the night, but he told himself that it wouldn't go.

When he reached his floor he nearly fell down the stairs from surprise. He was shocked and didn't know what to do about himself.

I should have gone to Sebastian's place instead, he thought panicky.

All feelings he possessed were fighting to be paid attention to as the first; anger, shock, sadness, pain - all of them, and he didn't know what to say or do as a possible reaction.

Kurt was sitting on the stairs with his face hidden in his hands. When Blaine stopped noisily in front of him wit his keys rustling in his hand Kurt was startled and looked up. Even through the dimmed light of the hallway Blaine didn't doubt that he was crying and had been for a long time, judging by his red eyes and flushed nose and cheeks.

"Kurt, get away. Would you just leave me alone? Haven't you done enough?" Blaine snapped and walked around him to get to the door, but Kurt jumped to his feet in a way that reminded Blaine of a person coming out of trance.

"Please listen to me. I know I have been horrible to you, but give me a chance to explain. I am so sorry, I miss you so much - please come back to me," Kurt cried and let his hands fall defeated to his sides.

"I don't see why I should give you another chance - and we were never together, I was just a quick fuck for you, remember? I hope you'll be happy with what's-his-face. Now get away, I just wanna go to bed and forget you," Blaine spat out as he took a step around Kurt so he could turn his back on him. He couldn't look at him - not when he was crying and begging him that way.

"No, Blaine. That's not how it is. I don't want him, I just want you. I can't let you go now that you're back in my life. I only want you. It was always you. Please. Please - I love you, Blaine," he whimpered desperately.

Kurt slid down to sit back on the stairs. His crying quickly turned into sobbing, to nearly hyperventilating and Blaine couldn't help himself; he turned around and found Kurt curled up with his arms locked around his chest and his face wet from tears. He was a complete mess - the embodiment of how Blaine was feeling.

He shook his head at himself and what he was about to do before he sat down next to Kurt. He didn't know what to do or how to make him stop crying, but as Kurt's sobs turned heavier he put an arm around him.

"Come on. That's not fair. How am I supposed to ignore you and be mad at you when you're crying like that?" Blaine crooned, and hoped that Kurt's crying would end soon because regardless of how angry he was with him it was heartbreaking to witness. However, Kurt kept on sobbing while rocking back and forth so there was no way that Blaine could leave him like that.

"Listen, you can come in and get a glass of water or some tea or something so you can calm down before going home, but… I can't do this anymore. You've messed me up so bad, Kurt -" Blaine sighed.

He squeezed his hand around Kurt's arm lightly before he stood up to unlock the door. When he had it open he leaned down to grab Kurt's hand so he could help him up and lead him to the kitchen.

The feeling of Kurt's hand back in his was electrifying but he tried to ignore it. He couldn't let himself slide back to his addiction to Kurt because he knew that it wouldn't do anything but make him even more hurt and shattered than he already was.

Blaine helped him to sit down on a chair, but he simply bent together in his seat and resumed crying into his hands. At least he was crying silently now, but it was still unbearable for Blaine to witness, so he hurried to fix some water for tea before he got over to kneel in front of Kurt. He put his arms around him and stroke a hand up and down his back as soothing as he could muster while still reminding himself that he was mad at him.

"If I agree to listen to you will you please stop crying? I can't stand that - you're breaking my heart. Again!" Blaine exclaimed in a broken voice. He was on the edge of tears himself. The entire situation was warped up and seemed like an endless sea during a storm.

He hurried over to make their tea and hoped for Kurt to have relaxed a little when he returned. He was still crying and shaking as well. Blaine had no idea what to make of it so he moved a chair next to Kurt so he could sit down and hold his hand around Kurt's on the table.

"Kurt, listen - when you moved away when we were kids I lost my entire basis for existing. You were my whole world and suddenly you were just gone. I had to go through life without you and it was a nightmare. If I hadn't had Tina by my side I don't know where I'd be right now - or if I even would be," Blaine started heavily and Kurt had turned his attention to him. He looked pained and scared from what he was hearing.

"When you walked into the pub I didn't dare believe it. That out of all the pubs and bars in New York you would come waltzing into my workplace like that. To me it was like I was being brought back to life."

He paused and searched for words. Kurt hadn't so much as made a sound but was listening carefully with regret flickering over his face.

Blaine knew that there was something he needed to say, though, but he couldn't figure out how to. It was crucial to the entire puzzle, but it was too heavy and thick to run from his brain through his mouth.

"When you came back into my life it was a miracle to me - but I was already with someone at that point."

Shock showed in Kurt's face and his hands started twitching under Blaine's like he was about to pull away. Blaine hoped that he wasn't about to up and leave before he got to finish his part of the story. They were doing this, and they would be doing this now and fully. There could be no way out for neither of them now that things had turned so real. Regardless of the way Kurt mostly resembled a tortured bird.

"He's the only guy I've ever been with. I've been with him for two years and he loves me. So, so much - but I was planning on leaving him for you. I don't love him because… I have tried so hard to love him, but I can't. It's terrible, and I hate myself for it, but I just don't feel that for him."

Now there was only the last thing - Kurt needed to know how deeply his actions had hurt him.

"When I saw you with that guy I felt like my world fell apart. Right after it had started to heal. It was like… like having broken my leg and it was getting back to normal, just to break it again in a much more painful place. I can't explain it - it was like you just stomped on my heart. I've never felt like this, Kurt. This pain is… flames. Fire."

There. He said it. That was all he had to give. His side of the story.

"I cried for so long when you didn't write me back anymore. My dad was so scared and worried. He had me seeing the school nurse and eventually a therapist. I refused to make friends with anyone, but when my dad married again I got a brother and he helped me get out and meet people - but I was still looking for you. I was terrified because I was convinced that you hated me for having left you."

Kurt's voice was weak and he sniffed a little as he paused to take a breath. It was like he had prepared this speech for his whole life, and had only been waiting for Blaine to return to his life so he could hear it.

"I never believed in God, but I still prayed every night for some way to get you back. When I got older I always looked for you whenever I was a place with new people - it was my first instinct even though I never dared hoping for it to happen. Whenever I was kissing a boy or, you know, had sex with a boy I closed my eyes and pretended it was you. I wanted it to be you so bad, Blaine."

Blaine's mouth had turned dry and his throat was rasp. He was shocked. He could feel Kurt squeeze around his hand on the table, but he had no words or reaction to offer him in return for his revelation.

"When I saw you in that pub I was sure I had gone crazy. That I had finally snapped - probably from the stress of my newly signed contract or something. Then when you didn't even look at me I panicked - I needed to see your face, your eyes, to determine if it really was you. When I saw you at the bar I instantly knew that it was true, and I was prepared to propose to you or something right then and there to make sure we would never part again. I couldn't let you go."

He lifted his chin a little and stared directly into Blaine's eyes. Nothing but naked truth, despair and guilt was to be found in Kurt's blue orbs.

"I am in love with you, Blaine. I always have been. When we held hands, when we were close in our beds or something - those few kisses when we were kids were so innocent and might have seemed insignificant and childish, but they're some of my most precious memories. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could kiss you like I had seen the older girls kiss their boyfriends. The other boys always talked about girls, and when I heard the older girls talk about the boys they liked I realized that… that was the way I felt about you. My worst fear was that you would never feel that way about me, and one day you would tell me to not come to your bed, or stop holding your hand or not let me kiss you anymore. Even after I moved away, and when I grew up and boys and girls showed interest in me I only thought of you. I always compared them to you, but when they weren't you and never could be they just weren't good enough for me," Kurt blabbered out like he was afraid that Blaine would stop him if he so much as breathed.

"I was with a few guys here and there. Made out with them at parties when I was drunk and just closed my eyes and imagined you instead. One day I was having the lead in a school musical, and it was opening night - and I thought I saw you in the audience. I didn't even get out of my makeup and costume before I started searching through everyone to find you. I was devastated when you weren't there - so I got drunk and lost my virginity to some creep who had been hitting on me forever. He didn't even care that I kept crying your name."

Kurt took a moment to catch his breath and squeeze his eyes together. He wiped his tears off his cheeks before he regained his ability to speak.

"After that I resigned from the musical. I took a little time off school and welled in my own misery. One night my brother had enough so he and his friend forced me out to see them play a football game and - there was this guy. A football player. He was really sweet to me and we ended up being together at the victory party."

He looked into the table. He was clearly avoiding Blaine's eyes and Blaine felt a chill run down his spine. Whatever was about to come he already knew that he wasn't going to like it.

"We've been together for three and a half year now, and… a little over a month before I met you at the pub he proposed to me. I'm engaged. I love Sam, but - it's only a fraction of how much I love you. He's amazing and basically perfect, but you're everything; my other half. When I saw you I was ready to give him up right then and there so I could jump right into your arms -"

Kurt silenced and embarrassment filled his face. Blaine knew how he felt; that was exactly how he felt about Sebastian - except for the part about loving him.

"Then why didn't you?" Blaine burst out and he didn't care how accusing or demanding he sounded. Suddenly it hit him that there was a beautiful, silver ring on Kurt's finger. He didn't understand why he hadn't noticed it before. He could swear that he hadn't been wearing it during their prior meetings.

"Blaine - I hadn't seen you for twelve years. I needed to make sure that you were still the person I had been in love with for the past fifteen years. We had both grown from kids to adults since I saw you last. How could I break Sam's heart for someone who might only exist in my head?" Kurt explained, his voice pleading Blaine to understand his point of view.

Blaine was ashamed. All of the accusations and anger he had been feeling towards Kurt he should have had pointed towards himself because Kurt hadn't done anything different than he had; tried figuring out where they stood before he threw his entire life away to be with someone he might not know anymore.

"In my head I had built you up to having evolved into being this perfect creature who was the complete man of my dreams - but then when I met you and we talked and joked and laughed you weren't. You were much better than what I had dreamed of you. You were real, and still the shy, clumsy boy with combed hair and bowties that I remembered from Silverlake. Don't think I didn't know that you kept combing your hair and wearing those outfits because I liked it."

Kurt let out a heavy breath in a thrust that sounded painful and emptied his mug in one mouthful. He was done. Now Blaine was left to feeling like his face was on fire - his entire body, actually. What was he supposed to do after this long, honest tale of how deep of an impact of losing Blaine had done to Kurt?

"Come here. I wanna show you something," he said and did his best to face what he was about to do. He wasn't sure that he was ready, but he knew that it was now or never.

He let his fingers fall into place with Kurt's and led him towards his room. He gestured for Kurt to sit down on the bed and he did without asking any questions. He looked confused, but also intrigued and curious about what was about to happen.

Blaine turned around and opened his closet. He pulled over a chair so he could stand on it and find out a big box from the back of the top shelf. He put it carefully under his arm and closed the closet after him. Then he walked over to sit down on the bed in front of Kurt and placed the box between them.

Kurt kept switching his gaze between the box and Blaine's face. He was clearly tingling to be allowed to remove the lid and see what it was hiding, but he also seemed scared of what it could be.

Blaine closed his eyes, drew a heavy breath and opened. His eyes and the box - revealing its secret, his secret.

Kurt tried hiding a gasp when he saw the contents. He obviously hadn't expected that. His cheeks flushed and a heartfelt smile took over his face. If the box hadn't been separating them he probably would have thrown his arms around Blaine's neck.

Pictures of Kurt and Blaine together as kids, pictures of just Kurt in Silverlake or from the letters he had sent Blaine, all of Kurt's letters, drawings Kurt had made him and other memories such as a ticket from they had been to the zoo with Kurt's dad or to a museum with the orphanage - and on top of it all was Kurt's penguin plush. It was looking old and wore signs of Blaine having slept with it, but it was still in perfect shape. It was very clear that Blaine had taken good care of it.

"You kept all of this - you actually kept everything. This is… unbelievable," Kurt said astounded and couldn't tear his eyes off the box that was filled with their childhood. His crying had stopped long ago and now it seemed like a spark had ignited in his eyes instead of tears.

"I never told anyone. Not even Tina knows about this. I had promised myself that I would never tell anyone but you, and as I thought that I would never see you again I had decided that I would throw it out if I ever was to move in with Sebastian. My… boyfriend."

Kurt flinched by the mention of his boyfriend, but other than that he looked like he was lost for words. He had been caught completely off guard and Blaine enjoyed the sight of his surprise.

He took the penguin out of the box to show that it had been covering up the bowtie Kurt had sent him for his first birthday after he had moved out of Silverlake. Purple. It was his favorite, and he had worn it every day until he grew out of it.

"This is incredible. I don't know what to say. You're so amazing," Kurt stammered in awe.

Blaine didn't even realize it but suddenly he had pushed his hand over the bedspread to close it around Kurt's. To his relief Kurt squeezed strongly back.

"This penguin - this was my best friend for so long. When you stopped writing I waited and waited, but after a while I collected everything in this box. The penguin too, but no one knew that I found it out at night. I cried into it. When I realized it didn't smell of you anymore I was crushed," Blaine told and knew that he sounded ridiculous.

A little boy clinging to a penguin plush like it had been his only string to life.

"Last Christmas Sam gave me a puppy. This cute, adorable, golden, little pup. He was so lively and playful - and I just knew that his name was Simba. I love that dog - his playful spirit reminded me of you and when we played together when we were little," Kurt chuckled and the atmosphere had turned light. Like a fog melting away from the sun, even though it was in the middle of the night.

"Blaine, I wanna be with you. More than anything. I - just want you back in my life. I want you to be my world again. If you could ever want me after everything I've put you through," Kurt said with his voice back to trembling. Blaine could even feel the shaking of his nerves in his own hand.

"I don't know what to tell Sebastian. I can't break his heart. He is such a great guy and I am such an idiot for not being able to love him like he loves me - I would be lucky to have him. It has been torture to keep all of this from him," Blaine said with a knot in his throat.

It was hard to look Kurt in the eyes when talking about Sebastian. It seemed so wrong, but he knew that it was the only right thing to do, so he forced himself to keep it up. If they were to figure anything out they needed to be open and honest about how to handle their current relationships.

"I don't know what to tell Sam either. He's been the best part of my life for so long. He's a part of my family, and a part of my closest circle of friends. He even knows everyone in the theater I am signed at. He loves me more than anything in the world and… I don't know," Kurt groaned defeated and fell back to lie on the pillows.

Blaine grabbed the box and put it on the floor so he could crawl up to lie next to Kurt. He didn't snuggle into him because he wasn't sure that they were at that place yet, so instead he put the penguin between them. He laid on his side with his head resting on his hand while he watched Kurt.

"So - what are we saying here? Do we want to like… be together for real? Break up with our - guys, so we can be together?" Blaine asked insecure and Kurt turned to mirror his position so their eyes were locked.

"That's what I've always wanted. I hate to do this to Sam, but it wouldn't be right for me to stay with him either. Lately - after we started seeing each other frequently, I have felt that in time with me falling more and more in love with you, my love for Sam has turned into more… friend-like feelings."

Kurt had a hard time saying the words. He truly cared about his fiancé - only not the way a man was supposed to love the man he was engaged to.

"Sebastian is out of town right now. He's coming back on Monday. I guess I should talk to him then. Just… tell him the truth." Blaine dug his fingers of his free hand into the bedspread under him. The thought of how Sebastian would react was unbearable. He wished so bad that he could find a way to do it without hurting him.

Kurt smiled empathetically at him. He understood his pain and worry about the horrible task lying ahead of him, and it was a comfort to Blaine that he wasn't alone.

"Sam has a big game by the end of this month. Some scouts are coming out to see him and such. I can't do this to him before the game. It could ruin everything for him. You understand that, right?" He asked carefully and started running his fingers mindlessly over the plush of the penguin separating them.

Blaine understood, so he smiled at him and let his free hand up to close around Kurt's on the plush.

"But I will do it right after. My dad and his wife are already negotiating wedding plans with Sam's parents and…"

Blaine stopped him by putting his lips to Kurt's. He didn't want to hear about it. His head was about to explode and the last thing he needed to hear Kurt talk about was how his family was busy arranging his wedding with Mr. Movie Star.

The feeling of Kurt's lips back on his own made all the ice in his veins and stomach melt from the burning hot water Kurt's kiss shot into him. Like a junkie finally having his fix after craving it for too long.

"This - this is where I belong," Kurt smiled with his forehead resting against Blaine's as he started twisting their fingers together.

"Home," Blaine whispered and decided that they had worried enough for one night.

He didn't know what was going to happen next; if they were truly together now or if Kurt wanted to wait until Blaine had talked to Sebastian and he had talked to his fiancé, if he was supposed to tell Tina about it or even if Kurt was planning on going home now that they were done talking.

Kurt moved closer to lie with his head on Blaine's collarbone. He kept their hands locked together on Blaine's abdomens and curled his other arm around the penguin against his chest as he sighed, giving Blaine a feeling of it coming from a place of relief.

Blaine kissed Kurt's hair and Kurt kissed his fingertips in return before tightening his grip on his hand.