When Blaine woke up the next morning he didn't even get to open his eyes before he realized why he had woke up and ran out of the bed and directly to the bathroom.

He fell painfully hard to his knees in front of the toilet and let all of the fluids from the night before spill into the porcelain until nothing but excruciating thrusts were left from his stomach through his throat and yellow gush was all that would leave his body.

He was sweating and the cold of the toilet was soothing against his naked skin. His hair was clinging to his forehead and his head was throbbing. This was the only time he had ever wished that the alcohol would have taken away his memory of the previous night.

As soon as he was confident enough that no more would come up he shakily got to his feet and drank three glasses of water without pausing for anything but refilling.

He didn't even close the bathroom door before he stumbled into the shower. He turned on the water and found a comforting, cooling temperature before he slid down to sit curled up under the water streaming down over him.

How did I make this mess?

It wasn't hangovers. He didn't get hung over. He never had. This was a cocktail of guilt, self-hatred, loss, pain and punishment from higher powers because he had screwed so much up when his life was on the right track.

He washed himself over and over again to the point of OCD like behavior but it didn't help. He still felt dirty and unworthy of ever being clean again.

Unworthy of this great love Sebastian felt for him.

He gave up. Knew it didn't mater how long he stayed there so he might as well get out. He could just as well cry over his misery anywhere else than in the shower.

He barely dried himself off before remembering that his only boxers were in the bedroom where he had drunkenly ripped them off the night before because he hadn't even brought a bag for changing.

When he returned to the room he looked around in an attempt to remember where he had aimed for when taking off his clothes but the room seemed just a clean as always.

That was when he saw it. His clothes were folded neatly on the chair like he always did himself and a note was lying on top. But he knew that there was no chance he had done it himself so it had to be Sebastian.

"We will discuss this. This doesn't go. I do love you though -Your S"

Everything turned around inside of him and for a moment he feared that the water would seek for the exit too. It stayed down though and Blaine hurried to let the towel drop so he could pull on his underwear.

He rushed into his clothes and headed for the door. For a moment he considered putting his key to Sebastian's apartment in the mailbox but he didn't. He had already screwed him over enough; the least he could do at this point was to be honest and leave him with some dignity.

He hurried down the stairs and felt the sun hit his face when he left the building. The bright, beautiful day seemed out of place for the chaos and dark shadows roaming around Blaine's head and he wished that he didn't have to be outside.

I don't. I can just go back there and wait for Sebastian, so I can let this amazing man love me and let him teach me how to love him back!

He wanted to cry, but his eyes stayed dry and he figured that he didn't have anymore tears left to give. He kept his eyes locked on the street where he walked and didn't care when people bumped into him.

He felt like he wasn't in his own body, as if the feeling of people's shoulders bumping into him, the sun baking down on his hair and skin, and the way his clothes smoothed around his muscles only was an echo of the actual feeling.

He didn't know what to do with himself. He knew that he had to go to work at the pub later and the feeling made him sick. That was where he had first seen Kurt after they grew up, where Kurt had waited for him for hours - where he had got drunk to forget the fact that Kurt had a boyfriend even though he had let Blaine think that they had something special together.

I did the same though. I didn't tell him about Sebastian.

When he entered the apartment Mike was in the kitchen eating. Blaine panicked - Mike didn't know anything. Mike was friends with Sebastian and Mike had been the one to keep asking Blaine to see him again whenever he and Sebastian had talked before they got together. He adored Sebastian and Blaine as a couple and he would be devastated if he heard what had happened.

"Hey man. Rough night? Stayed at Sebastian's?" Mike said with a smirk emphasizing exactly what he guessed was the reason for Blaine's hot mess.

"I don't feel so good. I'm just gonna go lie down for a few hours," Blaine excused himself without looking Mike in the eyes. In some way he felt like he had cheated just as much on Mike as he had on Sebastian.

Mike looked worried, but nodded and said that if he needed anything he should just call him. Blaine simply thanked him and hurried to his room. He got rid off his clothes and threw it in the hamper. He couldn't take the smell of Sebastian reminding him of everything. As soon as he was only in his underwear he duck under the covers. He hid his face like when he was little and hoped for the world to slowly disappear around him.

He couldn't fall asleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw a blurry mix of Kurt and Sebastian. He was afraid to even blink and wished that he somehow could sink into nothingness.

xXx

It didn't take long until his door was opened, but he didn't even bother to look who it was. He already knew.

Tina forced him out of bed. She made him get dressed and get some food. Mike wasn't home anymore so they didn't have to hold back, even though Blaine secretly wished that they did so he didn't have to talk about it. He hoped that if he suppressed it long enough he would turn numb instead.

They went to he bar where they nearly didn't have any customers. Blaine moped around behind the bar and did his best to not think too much or seem too depressed on the outside. He had to put a great effort into not listening to the music and Tina did her best to pick songs that were strictly non-love-related which turned out to be more of a challenge than expected.

As soon as they got off work and back home Blaine repeated his act from earlier; he pulled off his clothes and went straight to bed. Only now he didn't even fold his clothes as usual because he simply didn't care.

The next few days continued in the same way. He politely declined offers of singing jobs around town using the excuse that he wasn't feeling well - which technically wasn't a lie. Tina still forced him to work at the pub though and Blaine knew that she was worried that if he didn't do it he would sink into a black hole.

Sebastian had called him Monday night and insisted that they had a talk. He had to go out of town for a week for work, but when he returned he wanted them to talk. He didn't mention the incident Sunday night in calls or texts after.

"Will you come over tonight? I leave early in the morning," Sebastian had asked into the phone when he called Tuesday afternoon.

Blaine felt sick. He didn't know what to do - he knew that he shouldn't keep up with Sebastian like that because of what he had done, but he missed him, his closeness and his kisses.

Blaine said that he needed to check with Tina if she was okay with it as they had plans. That was only half a truth, though. He did need to check with Tina, but in reality he needed her opinion about what he should do.

"Go! Then you can tell him about Kurt. Everything - beginning to end. Then you can figure out together what you are going to do," she said and Blaine knew that she was right. He promised Sebastian to come over after work so he did.

xXx

Blaine spent the entire day trying to figure out what to say, how to say it and when to say it - but he couldn't. It was impossible. Whatever he thought to say seemed childish and ignorant; as if he hadn't ever cared about Sebastian at all.

When he reached Sebastian's door he walked away and returned three times before he finally knocked lightly and entered the apartment.

Sebastian was asleep on the couch when he entered the living room. He could see that he had spent the evening packing because his suitcase was on the floor next to the sofa, his laptop wasn't on the table as usual and his glasses had started to fall off.

Blaine kneeled down in front of him to carefully take off his glasses and put them on the table. He took his mug of cold tea and put in the kitchen sink before he packed away the pieces of clothing he had decided not to bring anyway. He turned off the TV and decided he'd better get him to bed.

Blaine sat back down in front of Sebastian and watched him sleep. He looked peaceful and his breathing was a light humming throughout the quiet apartment, and Blaine couldn't help but smile from the sight.

Just love him! Why can't I just love him? It's not fair when he's so cute and amazing and - lovable. Please let me love him.

He bent down to place a soft kiss on Sebastian's forehead before he turned to silently whisper into his ear with a caressing hand down his cheek.

"I am so sorry. I wish I could."

Sebastian turned his head and muttered something incoherent, making Blaine nearly fall to his ass from the startle. He was not prepared for this conversation now that Sebastian had been sweetly asleep when he arrived.

"Hey you. Did you see my boyfriend? He's dark and handsome - slightly taller than you," Sebastian mumbled as he opened his eyes and saw Blaine on the floor in front of him.

So he hadn't heard. He couldn't have, or he would have asked. Wouldn't he?

Blaine smiled warmly at him and stroke his thumb over Sebastian's cheekbone as Sebastian let a hand softly up to cover Blaine's.

"I think we should go to bed, gorgeous," Blaine crooned softly and he hoped that this meant that they could snuggle up in bed without having to address anything serious. It would be the perfect excuse to bring home to Tina and he would have another week to prepare himself.

Sebastian yawned his agreement and awkwardly sat up. They brushed their teeth in silence and Blaine closed the door to change his clothes in solitude.

When he came back from the bathroom the bedroom was dark and Sebastian was already in bed. Blaine watched him for a brief moment with a sting in his heart before he took a deep breath and joined him.

Blaine didn't turn his back around this night. Instead he snuck himself to rest his head on Sebastian's chest and led Sebastian's hand under his shirt to rest on his hip. He clinched his own grip as hard as possible around Sebastian's waist as he put a gentle kiss to his bare chest.

"Mhm, this is nice, babe -" Sebastian mumbled with a kiss on Blaine's hair, and Blaine squeezed his arm even harder around him.

If he was to tell Sebastian everything about Kurt as soon as he got home this could very well be his last night in his bed, his last night in his arms with cuddles - his last night with Sebastian. So he wanted to make it a good one.

He stretched his neck to kiss Sebastian as deep, passionate and affectionate as he possibly could to do his best to show him how much he cared for him.

"I love you, Blaine. More than anything in the world," Sebastian whispered and stroke his thumb gingerly over Blaine's hipbone. Blaine didn't know what to do about himself, so he pretended to already be asleep, but really he was feeling self-hate back to filling every fiber of his body.

xXx

"Baby, I'm sorry to wake you up, I just couldn't leave without saying goodbye," Sebastian's voice cooed Blaine awake. He was lying fully dressed next to him in the bed while stroking Blaine's hair lightly. When Blaine met his eyes he smiled softly.

"I'm glad you did. I would be sad if you had left without kissing me."

But it would have been so much easier if you did.

"You're beautiful. I'm gonna miss you so much," Sebastian said and Blaine's heart cramped up. He would miss him too, probably even more because he knew that this could be their last tender moment together.

"You were crying in your sleep. Are you okay, honey? I have a little bit of extra time if you wanna tell me about it."

No.

He didn't. Gosh, he didn't. He wished that Sebastian hadn't discovered that he cried in his sleep.

"Just a bad dream, but I'm better now. Come here to cuddle me before you go," Blaine mumbled and kissed Sebastian's shoulder before he shuffled closer to hide against Sebastian's warm body.

Sebastian folded his arm around Blaine. He kissed his hair and ear without a word. Of course he didn't dig deeper into the nightmare.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, I can't even explain it," Blaine whispered against his neck and he felt his throat tie up. He didn't want him to go because then his warmth and safe arms would disappear, but he didn't want him to stay either because that would mean serious business and everything falling to the floor - Blaine would have to crush him.

"I'll miss you too, but I will call and text you all the time. I promise. I can't live without my best boy, can I?" Sebastian smiled and brushed his hand over Blaine's cheek, leaving a burning print on his skin.

"I need to go. I love you, beautiful. Please believe me. I love you so much."

"I believe you," Blaine mumbled thickly with a hand strongly covering Sebastian's.

They kissed. Deep, long and powerful before Sebastian was gone. Blaine left to himself with throbbing guilt pulsing through his veins and aching pumping in his heart.

He didn't go back to sleep. He couldn't. He curled up around Sebastian's pillow and took in the scent, let it fill every cell of him to be sure that he would never forget it, even if he would never be close to him this way again.

Around 8.30 he decided that there wasn't any reason for him to stay in bed. He fumbled to his feet and took in the sight of Sebastian's bedroom. He wanted to remember everything; the dusty blue wallpaper, the chair in the corner, the black curtains, the picture of Sebastian with his little sister - and the picture of Sebastian and Blaine with their arms wrapped around each other on a blanket in the park a sunny afternoon with Tina and Mike.

It felt like he was about to say goodbye to his entire life and move across the globe, or like he knew that he was dying and it was time to take care of all unfinished business. Nearly two years with Sebastian - and now he had thrown it all away, and was about to lose it all because of his own stupidity, and his egoistic heart wanting other ways.

On the train home he couldn't help but wonder if he would have done anything different if he had known how everything had turned out.

Would I have stayed with Sebastian if I knew that I could never love him? Would I have stayed with Sebastian if I knew that I am in love with Kurt and always have been? Would I still have kissed, slept with, Kurt if I knew that he would mess me up this badly?

He turned it around in his head over and over again. He considered what he had gained and lost from the choices and relationships throughout his life, and he came to the conclusion that he didn't know what he would have done.

He had been sure that what he felt for Sebastian was the closest thing to loving someone he would ever get and that he would stay with him for the rest of his life - maybe even get married and have kids some day.

Until Kurt had walked back into his life and swept him off his feet. Whenever he had looked at Kurt it was like he had been blinded as a kid and only now was seeing the sun and the colors of the world again. When Kurt had touched him, a single touch by his fingers on his wrist or a gentle hug had made him feel like summer was finally returning after having been covered in snow for centuries.

Kiss.

When he had kissed Kurt he knew that it was right. He loved Sebastian's kisses - but Kurt had made him feel like a volcano was bursting inside of him. Kurt had made all of his fears wash away, and when he had been lying in his arms he felt home. Like this was the only place he could ever truly belong.

Love.

xXx

When Blaine came home he showered and got dressed. He didn't know what to do, because usually when he was feeling down he would go to Sebastian's place and he would cheer him up, or he would go see a show by himself - but Sebastian's was clearly no-go and theaters would only make him think of both Sebastian and Kurt.

So he stayed in. He was trapped by his own thoughts.

Tina came home early so they cooked and ate lunch together. She tried making him smile by trying to get him sing or dance with her, but she quickly gave up. When they were done eating they started doing the dishes together and he slowly started to tell her about the previous night and she was understanding.

"Maybe it's for the best - this way you'll have some distance to get a hold of your thoughts and feelings so you will know what to say when he gets back," she tried to rationalize - but he doubted it.

"I guess. I wish I didn't have to think about I," Blaine shrugged and sighed.

He was happy that he had Tina. She was his rock, his safe harbor, no matter how much his life fell apart she was always there. Maybe that was all he really needed - to just have Tina in his life.

They went to work, and by the end of the night he actually had started to feel a little better. He hadn't paid neither Kurt nor Sebastian a thought throughout the night and he had caught himself laughing on more than one occasion.

When he and Tina was on the train home he even burst into singing with her after having a heated debate about rock musicals. It wasn't until he came home and was alone in his room getting ready for bed it hit him that pushing the pain away only made it ten times worse when he finally let it hit him again.

As he laid in bed he found it impossible to fall asleep. He tossed and turned and tried hiding his face under the covers. He switched between crying into his pillow and cursing at himself.

He sat up in the bed and turned on the light. He grabbed out his phone that he had let stay in the pocket of his jeans and unlocked it. He saw a goodnight message from Sebastian and he felt horrible that he hadn't noticed it before.

Sebastian: "I miss your voice. I'll call you tomorrow so I can tell you how much I love you. Goodnight, babe."

Ugh. Boyfriend of the year. Of course. He doesn't deserve an asshole like me.

Blaine didn't know what to do about the text. He stared at it for two minutes before he closed it and went to his contacts. He flipped aggressively through them and ended on Kurt.

Kurt.

He looked at the display for a brief moment, chewed on the inside of his lower lip and hid his face in his hands. He cried. Loudly, with snot, spit and tears covering everything.

Then he drew a heavy breath and forced his tears to stop. It had to end. It all had to end and he needed to get a grip on himself so he could get control back over his life instead of this crossfire he had stumbled into by mistake and now didn't see a way out of.

So he deleted Kurt from his contacts. Deleted their texts. Deleted him from his life.

Kurt was officially out of his life and there was no chance of Blaine dragging him back in. He didn't know where Kurt lived and he was happy that he didn't because this way he didn't have any way of contacting him even if he wanted to.

It was a relief. Ever since he had seen Kurt with his boyfriend, or whoever that guy was, he had felt a strong urge to call or text Kurt to ask what was going on. But Kurt hadn't even replied to the texts he had sent him over the weekend, so why would he reply if he sent him anything at this point - and it didn't matter.

Kurt wasn't interested in being a part of his life, and if this was who Kurt was and the way Kurt had wanted to be a part of his life he didn't want him.

At least that was the lie he kept telling himself; he was afraid that if the circumstances had been different he might not have reacted as strongly.