We Aren't Who We Were

Chapter 11

Kurt shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His eyes darting to the coffee shop entrance each time the bells atop the door jingled with each incoming customer. Where was he? Kurt wondered. Kurt had been nursing the same mocha latte for 15 minutes—though it felt like hours.

The caf� was bustling with the normal Friday morning customers. Couples were chatting over a plate of croissants, and a mug of coffee. Students were typing meticulously into their laptops as they wrote their papers. Businessmen engaged in some light conversations with their colleagues. Everything was as normal as can be—except for the exceptionally nervous brunette seated at a table in the back.

The door jingled again, and Kurt looked up. A sweet looking blonde woman walked in, her hand intertwined with an adorable girl of about 3 or 4.

Kurt sighed, and looked at his watch. Why wasn't he here yet? Kurt felt like he was going crazy. His mind hadn't stopped spiraling since last night. He kept thinking about his conversation with Blaine last night, about his wedding plans—that tall dirty blonde, green eyed man Blaine had ended it with—it was all too much to get a hold of. So overwhelming! Kurt was surprised he was even able to dress and get himself down to the coffee shop this morning, his mind was so foggy.

He could still hear Blaine's voice in his head from the night prior, speaking in that quiet, low tone. Those words that make his heart go weak, and his stomach do little flips.

"Kurt…Me and Danny—we ended it."

Kurt's heart was pounding so hard he could feel it beating in his throat.

"I—I couldn't take lying to him anymore—lying to myself. I love you Kurt, and—and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't just settle for this…whatever it is... I love you—I need you."

Kurt couldn't breathe. What did Blaine say? He—he loved him? What did that mean? Why would he end it with Danny? Was it because of him? Kurt was dizzy, and the phone in his hand suddenly felt heavy.

"Kurt?"

Kurt fell back onto his living room sofa, his hand flying up to his mouth. What was he supposed to say? Blaine wants—Blaine wants them to be more? He wants them to be together? How could he—how could he even—?

"Kurt? Are—are you okay? I know this must be—"

"—What?" was all Kurt managed to choke out.

Kurt could hear Blaine take a deep breath before speaking again.

"I'm sorry Kurt. But—but I've given this a lot of thought, and as much as it hurts, I just can't do "this" anymore. I just—I can't. I can't do the private meetings, and quick hook-ups or whatever the fuck we're doing. I thought I could." Blaine paused for a moment before continuing, " Honestly, all I wanted from the beginning was to be with you, and if this was all I could get, then I was going to take it—whatever the circumstance but…things chance—feelings change, and I started to fall for you again..."

Kurt could feel the hot tears spill over and roll down his cheeks.

"Hell, I was falling for you that moment we were jammed into that damn elevator at your office. I love you…so much—but I can't. I can't settle for this. You're too important to me." Blaine sighed, "I don't want to be your secret. And—and It hurts too much to know you're—you're with him—You're getting married to him—that you're his." Blaine chuckled dryly, but Kurt could tell from the quiver in his voice Blaine was crying. "You're marrying him Kurt—and I just…I can't."

Kurt was frozen, his mind stopped, and it was like he'd forgotten how to breathe.

"I'm sorry Kurt." Blaine said softly.

A million thoughts filled Kurt's mind in that moment. A million memories, a million words, a million kisses, a million laughs, a million "I love you's". It all hit Kurt in an instant. He remembered their first kiss in the Dalton common room. He remembered the first time they told each other they loved each other in that tiny little coffee shop in Lima, Ohio. He remembered everything.

"Wait!" Kurt called out breathlessly as Blaine was about to hang up. "Blaine, wait!"

Something in Kurt snapped upon hearing those words coming from Blaine. The reality of actually saying goodbye had never really occurred to Kurt. Blaine had done what he, himself, had been grilling himself over for days—he ended it. Just like that.

Kurt didn't expect his heart to hurt so much. He didn't expect to feel like his whole life was shattering. He definitely didn't expect to say what he did—but it happened.

"I—I don't want—I don't want to lose you." Kurt choked out, "I can't…lose you."

Kurt hadn't quite figured out what he was going to say when Blaine walked through that door. Last night was a giant blur of emotions and bad decisions, but Kurt couldn't deny what he said was true. He couldn't lose Blaine. He loved him too much to just let him walk away from—whatever it was they had.

Truth be told, Blaine was right. They couldn't keep up these secret meetings—it wasn't enough, and it never will be.

Blaine wanted the whole package. He wanted the real thing—and Kurt worried he wasn't brave enough to give it to him.

Kurt tossed and turned the whole night wondering if he could ever leave Josh. The thought had never really occurred to him. His life with Josh and his life with Blaine seemed like two completely separate entities that would never coincide with each other. But that wasn't true though—and Kurt had to make a decision.

Kurt sighed, and waved to a passing waiter, and ordered another mocha latte.

Blaine paced back and forth in front of the small caf�. He could see Kurt sitting alone at a table through the big glass windows.

Blaine should have walked in twenty minutes ago, but here he was—still lingering outside, trying to work up the courage to just walk in.

This was going to be it. This moment, this meeting, this conversation will either mark the end, or a new beginning. Blaine had laid all his feelings out there, and it was all on Kurt now, whether or not to accept them.

Blaine knew it wasn't easy for Kurt. He'd been in a relationship with Josh for nearly 3 years, and even though Blaine and Danny's relationship wasn't really considered stable, Blaine understood how painful it would be for Kurt to hurt him. Odds were, he and Kurt could end it all now. Kurt could tell him he couldn't be with him, and he could come out heartbroken.

Blaine took a deep breath and opened the door, the bells at the top the top jingling as he walked in. He immediately felt the warmth of the room as he stepped out of the cold New York weather and into the warm coffee shop, the strong aroma of freshly brewed coffee filling his senses.

His eyes locked on a pair of bright blue ones, and he could feel his own heart starting to pound faster and his palms starting to sweat, as he slowly made his way across the room.

Blaine couldn't tell from Kurt's expression what was about to happen, but he could feel his nerves starting to get to him as his stomach started twisting up.

Blaine rubbed the back of his neck hesitantly before pulling up a chair across from Kurt.

"Hey," Kurt said softly, his eyes falling slightly to stare down at the empty coffee mug in front of him.

Blaine smiled politely. "Hi Kurt."

They looked at each other for a while, both unsure of what to say first. Kurt chewed on his bottom lip nervously, avoiding eye contact.

"Your mocha latte, sir," a young waiter said, interrupting the silence, and placing a steaming mug of coffee in front of Kurt.

Kurt nodded and looked up. His breath hitched as his eyes caught Blaine's gaze. He was staring right at him—his hazel eyes were brighter than they'd ever been, almost glowing in the dimly lit caf�.

"Anything for you sir?" the waiter asked, looking to Blaine.

"Just a regular coffee, please," Blaine replied, his eyes never leaving Kurt.

They regressed back to silence once the waiter left. Kurt's eyes shifted to his new mug, his fingers lingering over the handle.

Blaine sighed, and reached across the table and took Kurt's hands in his.

"Kurt?" Blaine said softly, tilting his head to the side, trying to look into Kurt's eyes, which were busy staring intently at the porcelain mug in front of them.

Kurt looked up hesitantly, his heart racing a little faster as he felt Blaine give his hands a little squeeze.

"Look at me Kurt." Blaine said gently, rubbing his thumb in small circles over Kurt's knuckles. "It's okay. I'm not going to do anything. Let's just talk."

Blaine scooted his chair forward, furrowing his eyebrows, and took a deep breath before continuing.

"What I said last night—I meant. All of it. You and I know we can't do this anymore," Blaine smiled sadly. "—but that doesn't change how I feel about you, and I meant all of what I said aboutthat too. But we need to settle this, before either of us gets hurt even more."

Kurt could feel a lump in his throat, and his eyes starting to sting. "I meant what I said too," He whispered, his voice trembling.

Blaine leaned closer to Kurt, lifting Kurt's hand that was intertwined with his, and placed a chaste kiss upon it. "I know Kurt, I know—but we can't do this anymore. Things have changed. We aren't who we were, as much as I wish we could be. Things change, people change—"

"But feelings don't change—at least not for us!" Kurt choked out, a hint of anger behind his words.

Blaine squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed as his hands let go of Kurt's and moved up to rub over the stubble on his face.

"No. No they didn't." Blaine sighed, looking down at the table. "Which is why Danny and I broke up—I'm not expecting anything from you, because I know how difficult it was to admit the truth. It was painful for me to put Danny through that, and I know you and Josh have been together for a lot longer. This is also why…" Blaine took a deep breath, "I think it's best if we just—"

"No," Kurt said abruptly, "I meant what I said last night. I can't lose you Blaine."

Blaine wrinkled his eyebrows, "But Kurt—"

"I love you," Kurt sighed. "I couldn't sleep all night last night because I kept thinking about you. Hell, I haven't been able to sleep in days because after Josh and I set a date, I realized what we had—it was over. Every moment of every day I find myself constantly thinking about you, and—and about us."

Blaine looked up at Kurt, whose face was slightly flushed, and his eyes rimmed red from trying to keep back the tears that threatened to spill over.

"I'm not sure why it's taken me this long—maybe part of me just didn't want to accept it but—I am totally, and completely in love with you Blaine Anderson. I told myself over and over and overagain that I'd gotten over you—but in reality…I haven't. You're right. We were stupid to think we could do this, but we did it, and now we're here."

"I don't know what to do Blaine. I don't know what to do. All this time, I've crafted a perfect life for myself in my mind. And I pretty much got it down to a tee. I have the perfect job, and the perfect fianc�. I live in a beautiful uptown New York penthouse, with big white leather sofas, and Italian furnishings. Everything was perfect. I got everything I could ever have dreamt of back in Ohio." Kurt paused to take a shaky breath.

Blaine sat silently and watched as Kurt rambled on, his voice trembled as he spoke. And damn it—he was fucking beautiful. Blaine could tell how tired Kurt was from the dark circles under his eyes.

"—and now…all I can think about is you. You and your house with the white picket fence and the goddamned German shepherd—and—and…"

Kurt's usually bright blue-green eyes were hazy—glazed with tears. His lip quivered as he spoke, and his cheeks were pink from all the emotion rushing through him—and that's when—that's when Blaine leaned across the table and kissed him.

It was a soft kiss, Blaine's lips just barely pressing against Kurt's. Kurt's eyes fluttered shut, and Blaine could feel his eyelashes brush gently against his cheek.

When Blaine pulled away, Kurt was staring at him, his mouth slightly ajar, blinking in shock.

Blaine smiled, "I love you too, Kurt."

"I—I umm…" Kurt stuttered.

The entire picture, Kurt and Blaine in the coffee shop—granted this place was bigger, served their beverages in actual mugs, and was in the middle of New York City—brought back the memories of the first time those words were ever uttered between them. I love you.

Blaine was looking at him with those bright hazel eyes, and that grin that still managed to make Kurt's stomach flutter. His lips tingled where Blaine had kissed him, and he felt slightly light headed from everything that was flying through his mind.

"Kurt?…Hey, Kurt?" Blaine said, waving his hand in front of the dazed brunette in front of him.

Kurt kept staring at Blaine. He stared at that curly brown hair, and the slight stubble growing on his face. He stared at those deep hazel eyes that he often found himself lost in, and those defined triangular eyebrows he'd felt the urge to pluck on many occasions. He stared at the way Blaine was looking at him—with those warm eyes that make him melt inside—and—

"Kurt, are you okay?" Blaine asked again, leaning forward.

"Um…yeah, just a little um…" Kurt stuttered, he could feel himself blushing—why was he blushing? It's not that was the first time Blaine had ever kissed him. God what the hell was wrong with him.

Blaine raised an eyebrow, and smiled amusingly. "Do you want to take a walk with me?"

Blaine spent a lot of time in central park. He often found most of his inspiration stemmed from this very location. Elderly couples feeding ducks, children playing on the grass, couples enjoying a picnic—it was all so serene and beautiful.

Blaine and Kurt didn't talk much on the short taxi ride there. Kurt seemed so transfixed on his thoughts Blaine didn't want to disturb him.

As he and Kurt strolled side by side, Blaine couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind. The weather was chilly, so there weren't many people in around. It was very peaceful—besides the usual sounds of the city.

Maybe he shouldn't have kissed him. Maybe Blaine had misread the signals and now he's made matters worse than they already were.

It wasn't like Kurt to be quiet—even when he was upset he would usually talk about it.

They walked silently side by side, their hands brushing against each other every now and again. Sometimes Kurt would glance over at Blaine, and their eyes would meet for a moment before both looking away again.

They continued around the grass, headed toward the lake, when Blaine felt Kurt's hand wrap around his arm, pulling them to a stop.

"Blaine?" Kurt said suddenly—breaking the silence.

Blaine turned to face Kurt, who was looking at him with bright eyes. Blaine's breath hitched as Kurt stepped closer to him, his hand still holding onto his arm.

"Okay," Kurt whispered.

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes searching Kurt's face for some sort of sign, a signal to tell him what that could possibly mean.

"Okay?" Blaine repeated.

Kurt nodded, a small smile creeping on his face.

"What do you—?" Blaine began.

"Okay to the big house Blaine. Okay to the house with the porch, okay to the white fence, and okay to that damn German shepherd. Okay to walking down the street holding hands, and okay to little kisses in public. Okay, to us." Kurt said breathlessly.

Blaine's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. Okay? Blaine's heart started to pound—and he sort of forgot how to move. Okay? Blaine needed to say something—anything. Okay? Blaine grinned stupidly, as he stood there blinking. Kurt said okay!

"Okay to everything, Blaine," Kurt said softly, smiling a little bit as he tightened his grip on Blaine's arm, and leaned down to kiss Blaine on the lips.

When Kurt pulled back, this time Blaine was left jelly legged and mind struck.

"Okay?" Blaine asked again, this time with a silly grin on his face, and his hazel eyes beaming.

Kurt laughed as Blaine threw his arms around him, pulling him into a hug, and preceded to plant kisses all over his lips, cheeks, forehead and nose.

Kurt smiled as he pressed his forehead against Blaine's. "I love you—and we're going to this. Just give me some time. There's a lot of stuff we need to…deal with before we go house hunting."

Blaine leaned in and kissed Kurt again, grinning all the same. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."

Kurt's smile lasted for the rest of the afternoon. He and Blaine walked hand in hand down Central Park. They stole kisses every now and again, sending butterflies to his stomach—it was like they were 16 again.

Kurt grinned all the way home, until he was standing in front of his penthouse door.

Then it was back to reality again.

Kurt walked in hesitantly. The lights were on—which meant Josh had come home relatively early.

"Kurt? You home?" Josh yelled from the living room.

"Yeah!" Kurt yelled back, his voice several octaves higher than usual.

Kurt walked nervously into the living room, his mouth falling open as he saw who was waiting for him inside.

"Mrs.—Mrs. Peterson, Mr. Peterson! I…umm…I wasn't expecting you. What a…delightful surprise!" Kurt stuttered as he stared at Josh's parents, casually sitting in the living room.

"Hey babe! I'm sorry I didn't let you know earlier that they were coming. It was kind of a surprise to me too. I told them we finally set a date, and they drove right down! Can you believe it?" Josh said, ushering Kurt to sit down.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Kurt smiled politely and took a seat next to Josh.

"Now, Kurt dear, call me Selma!" Josh's mother said sweetly.

Josh father nodded in Kurt's direction, and focused his energy back to the newspaper he was engrossed in.

"I was just looking through your wedding planning catalogs dear, and my, my, my, is this going to be a beautiful ceremony. I couldn't have planned it better myself! I had no idea you even started!"

Kurt tried to hide his look of utter horror as Mrs. Peterson flipped through a few more catalogs.

"I don't even know why you two hired a planner. God knows I would have done it for you, better, and free of charge." Josh's mother said matter-of-factly, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose as she continued flipping through the pages.

"Sorry about this, mom's just excited,"Josh leaned over, and whispered in Kurt's ear.

Kurt chuckled back nervously. "Oh. Right."

Josh smiled, and kissed Kurt's cheek.

Kurt went pale.

Telling Josh was going to be harder than he thought. Kurt chewed his lip nervously as he watched his fianc� and his parents continue talking happily about the wedding plans. Kurt's heart thudded in his chest, the guild building up more and more, until he thought his chest would explode.

Kurt winced when he looked over at Josh. He was beaming with joy as he spoke with his mother, explaining in greater detail a few things he and Kurt had already decided on for the wedding.

He was so happy. How could Kurt just—just crush him? Josh had never been anything but kind, supportive, and caring throughout their entire relationship.

For the rest of the evening Kurt fiddled with his thumbs nervously, hoping no one noticed how distressed he was.

Kurt had to figure out how to end this—but how?