We Aren't Who We Were

Chapter 10

Blaine stared blankly up at the ceiling, as he laid there on his living room floor, dozens and dozens of sketches littering the floor around him. He could hear the sounds of taxi drivers honking and distant sirens humming out in the street. The sunlight was streaming through the misty glass windows of the Brooklyn loft, shining right onto the artist's expressionless face.

The phone rang—seventh time that morning. Another desperate voice message flooded the silent room.

"Blaine freaking Anderson! I don't what the hell you think you're doing but you cannot seriously be skipping your own gallery showing! I know you've skipped out on some incredible exhibits but missing 3 nights in a row—what the hell is going on with you? And answer your goddamned phone! I may be in my right mind to go over there and kick your—" Cynthia's voice screamed out loud and clear, echoing through the loft before being cut off by the answering machine with a beep.

Blaine sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.

Not two minutes later, the phone rang again. Blaine groaned and rolled over on the hardwood flooring of the living room, crushing a few sketches underneath him.

"You motherfu— I cannot believe you! You bastard! Why don't you man the hell up and face this instead of hiding in your little apartment wallowing in shame! I always knew you were a weirdo. You artists all are. I don't know what the hell Danny saw in you. If I weren't such a constrained person—"

Blaine scoffed, his face pressed against the floor, as Sarah's voice rang through the apartment. Constrained my ass...this was what? The 4th message? Maybe 5th she'd left this morning alone

"I swear to God Anderson! You are going to pay for this! I don't care if I have to—"

Blaine laughed dryly as the answering machine beeped and cut off Sarah's horrendous screeching.

Blaine sat up slowly, moaning as he felt the jolts of pain in his back and shoulders from lying on the floor half the night. He shuffled to the bathroom, stepping on several drawings on the way.

Blaine shuddered as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His eyes had dark circles under them from lack if sleep. Stubble had begun to grow back on his face from lack of shaving over the last few days. His hair was unruly, tangled beyond belief, and his usually bright hazel eyes were dull and pained.

He quickly splashed some cold water on his face, feeling the tingling sensation of the water waking him up.

Blaine walked back into the living room, rolling his eyes as he stepped over more of his sketches. He'd become some kind of weird neurotic freak artist over these past few days. He couldn't do anything but draw and paint. He felt lost, confused—incomplete.

So Blaine did what he did best when he felt like this—he buried himself in his work.

Blaine sighed as he bent down to pick up one of his sketches. Kurt

They were all Kurt. Even when he tried to draw something else, it turned into Kurt. He could've drawn a fucking tree and it would have turned into Kurt.

Blaine shook his head as he looked at all the half finished sketches, each one with its own distortion. A line slashed through it, a giant cross dragged across it. Some were crumbled and tossed in a corner, while others were completely torn apart and left scattered around the floor. It was literally painful to Blaine—how the one thing he wanted to draw, to paint most...was pretty much physically impossible for him to do. He couldn't understand why, he just...he couldn't do it...

Blaine couldn't bare it. He needed Kurt, Desperately. Kurt was on his mind all the time. Every moment, every single second—all Blaine could think about was Kurt. Blaine felt like he was going crazy...what was he supposed to do?

Was he supposed to beg Kurt to leave everything, and just run away with him? Could he ask him to just leave his fianc�, forget about everything, and just...choose him instead?

Blaine had to tell him—he had to tell him! He had to tell him that he wasn't going to say "I do" to Danny. He had to tell him he didn't want to say "I do" to Danny regardless of the circumstance. And as selfish as it sounded, Blaine didn't love the idea of Kurt belonging to anyone else but him.

Blaine sighed leaning against the hallway wall, slowly sliding down into a crouching position, and squeezed his eyes shut. How could he...how would he say that?

Blaine had screwed it up. He went and got attached. He—he blew it! The agreement was that they could—what? Mess around for a little while? Get it out of their systems until they got hitched to the people they were supposed to be with? What was he thinking? He could never settle for just the physical. He was ridiculous for ever believing he could!

Blaine sunk into the living room couch. He was going to tell Kurt. He was—he was going to tell Kurt everything. He had to. It was the only way if they were ever going to have a chance.

Kurt flipped through the catalog hesitantly, shifting in his chair. He looked up at Josh, who was standing behind him, every few moments, trying to see what he thinking.

"How about this one?" he said finally, raising his eyebrows and pointing at a photo in the catalog.

"Whatever you want babe," Josh replied, and he rested his hands on Kurt's shoulders and squeezed them gently.

Kurt groaned. "I want these ones, but the violet would go so much better with the wallpaper in the reception hall!"

"Kurt!" Josh laughed, "It's just a center piece, I don't think people will care what color flowers are in the middle of their tables while they eat!"

Kurt pretended to glare at Josh, who was grinning amusingly down at him.

"Fine," Kurt decided, pointing out the simple violet rose center piece with the white lace around it, "Carrie, I want these."

The redheaded wedding planner smiled and picked up the catalog.

"Excellent! Should we move on to cake selection then? It's always my favorite part!" Carrie said, smiling brightly at Kurt and Josh.

Josh chuckled. "Here goes another 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back."

"Shut up! This wedding needs to be—and will be perfect!" Kurt said, playfully rolling his eyes at Josh, before turning back to the table where Carrie was arranging an assortment of different slices of cake on the table for the pair to taste.

Josh leaned down and kisses Kurt on the cheek. "As long as you're there, it will be."

Kurt laughed softly, "Such a charmer you are Mr. Peterson."

Kurt's phone started to vibrate loudly on the table.

Kurt jumped, surprised by the sudden sound . He quickly excused himself outside, leaving Josh eyeing hungrily at the double chocolate tiramisu cake with chocolate mousse filling.

"Blaine?" Kurt answered, looking back into the kitchen, seeing Josh already poking his fork into one of the cakes.

"Hey, is this a bad time?" Blaine asked hesitantly.

"I um—no. Well yes, but…um, what's up?" Kurt replied, slipping out of the apartment, and leaning against the hallway wall.

"I um—I was just calling to ask for the uh—the Thursday information." Blaine said softly, clearing his throat.

Kurt smiled. He'd booked that hotel room the moment he'd hung up the phone with Blaine the other week, and honestly he couldn't wait. It'd be nice to escape from all the work, the editorials, the new fall line reviews he needed to go over…and of course the wedding planning, and just spend some private time with Blaine.

Kurt cleared his throat, "Of course, um, it's room 394, on the 8th floor. Meet there 5ish? I should be able to stay for a while, I was supposed to meet a client for dinner, but it got cancelled so we have a good window of time."

Blaine bit his lip. He and Kurt were really starting to sound like a cheap hotel affair. Which Blaine supposed they kind of were, but the realization still hurt all the same.

"Uh, great, I'll see you then. Um Kurt?"

Kurt looked back down the hall to the penthouse door to make sure Josh hadn't wandered out to find him. "Yeah, Blaine?"

Blaine shook his head. No, he'd bring it up in person. "Never mind, I'll just umm—I'll see you Thursday."

Kurt smiled, "Okay, see you then."

"—and Kurt? I—I love you." Blaine said softly, before hanging up the phone.

Kurt got that weird fluttery feeling in his stomach again. How come it happened every time Blaine said it? Josh has said it like a million times too, but…he didn't feel the tingly fuzzy feeling he did when Blaine said it.

"I love you too Blaine…" Kurt whispered back. His heart felt heavy, knowing full well that the man he was going to marry—the man he was supposed to be saying he loved—was sitting on the other side of the wall, tasting cakes for their wedding.

Kurt closed the phone, slowly tucking it back into his pocket. He shook the thought out of his mind. No. He loved Josh, he…he definitely loved Josh. Josh was perfect, and Blaine was just—he was just fun. Right? Just a fling…to get it out of his system?

Kurt could feel tears starting to sting his eyes as he came to the realization. He was getting married, which meant—he and Blaine had to…stop. That was the deal wasn't it?

Kurt had gotten so carried away in this double life he was living, he forgot that all good things must come to an end, and that, he couldn't keep up this charade forever. He and Blaine both their significant others to think about, and whom they were both committed and in love with. He had to stop dwelling on fantasy, and finally face reality—

"Kurt? Is everything okay?" Josh called, poking his head out of the penthouse door.

"Uh, yeah! No, everything's fine! I'm coming!" Kurt called back from the hall, hoping Josh didn't catch the slight tremble in his voice, walking back to join his fianc�.

Kurt didn't really know how to bring it up. Blaine…we have to stop now, I'm getting married in two months. Kurt shook his head, no, that wasn't it. Blaine, it's time our…affair came to an end. No, that wasn't it either. How was he supposed to say it?

Kurt's mind was racing with thoughts as he made his way through the quiet hotel lobby, adjusting his trench coat collar, and walking briskly to the elevators, the room key secure in his pocket.

Kurt knew this thing with Blaine wasn't going to last forever—but a part of him—a big part—wanted it to. Kurt knew he could never live with himself if he continued to cheat on Josh. Josh was such a sweet, kind, caring man. Just the past few months alone, Kurt had felt enough overwhelming guilt to last a lifetime. And quite frankly, he and Blaine both knew what they signed up for and…the time had come to end it. They'd both gotten it out of their systems—mostly—and now it was time to say…goodbye. They had their moment and now it was time to—

The elevators opened with a loud ding, startling Kurt out of his thoughts as he stepped on. Kurt could feel his heavy heart weighing him down, and the weird twists of his stomach making him feel uneasy.

He couldn't do this—not today.

Kurt could imagine Blaine's big hazel eyes staring at him with all that warmth and charm. How could he ever tell him he couldn't see him anymore? How could he say he never wanted to be held in his arms, touched by his hands, kissed by his lips…ever again?

Kurt could feel his breath hitch as the thought crossed him mind.

How was he going to tell him?

Blaine paced the hotel room, as he waited for Kurt's arrival. Kurt had left him a key at the front desk and asked him to meet him in the room.

Blaine knew that he had to tell Kurt about the Danny situation—he'd been putting it off for days…and he had to do it. He had to tell Kurt his true feelings, before it was too late.

Blaine himself didn't even really know where he and Kurt stood in their relationship—if it even counted as a relationship. It was hard to believe they were still going by the same, casual get-it-out-of-our-systems agreement they'd made so many months ago. To Blaine, they'd been through too much, experienced too much—said too much for god sakes—for this to still be a fling.

Blaine couldn't help but think back to that night they spent together, snuggled under the covers, eating cheap take-out, and watching a movie—daydreaming about their future home with the big backyard and a porch. Not just some pipe dream you talk about once and disregard for the rest of your life. That was all real for Blaine. It was something he wanted so badly.

Sure it was a long shot—but Blaine could dream couldn't he?

He continued pacing the room, consumed in his own thoughts when he heard the door click open.

Blaine jerked his head up to see Kurt slip into the room. They both froze, eyes locked on each other.

"Hey," Kurt said with a weak smile, shedding off his trench coat as he walked towards Blaine.

Blaine smiled back, hoping Kurt couldn't see the distress in his face as he greeted him.

It was weird being in a hotel. There was no hurry, no constant fear that someone would walk in unexpectedly. Neither of them was short on time, or had other obligations to attend to. For the first time in a long time—there was no rush. They weren't attacking each other, trying to rip off clothes, they weren't kissing each other hungrily, and hands were not flying to unzip zippers or unbutton shirts.

"We need to talk," they both said at the same time. They chuckled quietly, both walking forward to sit on the springy Marriott hotel bed.

"You go first," Blaine said nervously, fiddling with his hands.

Kurt bit his lip. Blaine was acting strange. He seemed tired, and his eyes were dark and hazy. Kurt hadn't seen Blaine like this in—in years.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked cautiously, lifting a hand to Blaine's cheek, turning his face to face him.

Blaine's cheek blazed where Kurt touched him, and he could feel his heart starting to beat faster. What the hell was wrong with him? He looked up to match Kurt's gaze. He could feel something was wrong. Kurt's eyes were glazed, and he was speaking too softly—something he rarely did, unless something was up.

"Blaine, hey, look at me," Kurt said softly, cupping Blaine's face with his hands and tilting his head up. Blaine's eyes are still dark, clouded with emotion, when Kurt leans in to kiss him gently. Blaine relaxes against Kurt's touch, moving closer, and pressing their bodies together.

Kurt's hands slide down Blaine's sides, gripping his shirt tightly. It was a soft kiss—but there was something desperate about it. It was gentle, yet hungry as they moved their lips together. Kurt could feel his eyes filling with tears and quickly blinked them away.

Blaine buried his face in Kurt's neck, nuzzling his nose against the soft smooth skin.

Kurt let out a sigh, as his eyes flutter shut, wrapping his arms tighter around Blaine, his fingers gripping the shirt tightly.

Blaine nosed his way down Kurt's neck, and pressed his head in the crook of Kurt's shoulder. "Wait…" he murmured, his breath hot against Kurt's skin.

Kurt stayed still, his head resting against Blaine's. "Hmm..?"

"Kurt," Blaine says, his voice low and warning, but Kurt ignores him as he pushes him backwards onto the hotel room bed, slowly working the buttons on his shirt.

Kurt didn't know what he was doing. Sex was the last thing on his mind—but it was what they did. Kurt couldn't tell him—not today anyways. His heart hurt just thinking about it. Kurt bit down on lip as he straddled Blaine, kissing down his collarbone.

"I can't," Blaine moaned, gently pushing Kurt back, his entire body stiff and tense from holding himself back. "Just—just wait…"

Kurt propped himself up, staring at Blaine with concern, "Blaine? Are you okay?"

Blaine paused for a moment, looking up at Kurt. Blaine could never stop admiring the way Kurt's cheeks slightly pinked when he was flushed, or how no matter what, his hair always seemed to always fall perfectly around his face—and those eyes…those beautiful, beautiful blue-green eyes.

"I um—" Blaine began. "I have to tell you some—something."

Kurt brushed a stray curl from Blaine's forehead, "Blaine what's wrong? Tell me."

Blaine's thoughts were all swirling in his mind at once. He had to say it, he had to bring it up now before it was too late. It was now or never.

Blaine could feel himself drowning in Kurt's soft gaze.

"Umm, never mind, it was nothing." Blaine said finally, his eyes looking away to avoid Kurt's concerned eyes.

Kurt tilted Blaine's head, gently making him look back up at him. "Blaine?" he asked again, noticing the obvious distress Blaine was in.

"No, really—it's not important…" Blaine said again, forcing a smile, and tugging Kurt down, kissing his lightly on the lips. "We can talk about it later."

Kurt left that hotel room feeling worse than he had going in. He was a coward. He couldn't tell him. What the hell was his problem? He couldn't keep this lie going it was just hurting himself more and more as he let continue.

It was hard for Kurt to admit, but he'd fallen for Blaine freaking Anderson, and he didn't even know it happened until now. That fluttery feeling in his stomach every time he said I love you. The way his stomach did flips every time he grinned at him. How safe he felt in his strong arms, and the way he made him felt like the most beautiful person in the world—even on the days he knew he was a complete mess.

He was the guy who'd sing you an Elton John song just because you couldn't sleep. He was the guy who still blushed when you compliment him on his art. He was the guy who did that painfully sexy thing with his mouth and the coffee stirrer, without even knowing how badly he was teasing you.

He was the guy that Kurt couldn't stop thinking about. The guy he loved…

But Kurt couldn't be in love with Blaine Anderson. He was supposed to be in love with Josh Peterson. He was supposed to be in love Mr. Perfection with the chestnut hair, and the caring disposition. He was supposed to get married and have the perfect life with the perfect man in the perfect home.

Perfect Home, Kurt thought, as he curled up in the dark empty penthouse. Josh was working late—again. And he was again alone in the big empty place. Thinking about that dark haired, hazel eyed boy he wasn't suppose to fall for—again.

Blaine stared blankly at his living room floor. It was exactly as he'd left it—scattered in drawings, and sketches. Paint he'd spilled earlier in the morning had dried, their colorful remains staining the floor. The drawings of Kurt seemed to look up at him. The half completed figures seemed to mock him from where they were abandoned on the floor.

Blaine collapsed onto a kitchen chair, resting his head on the cool wooden surface of the kitchen table.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't tell Kurt he was in love with him. He couldn't tell him he and Danny were over. Most importantly, he couldn't tell Kurt that he wanted him. That he wanted them to give it a shot—that they could be something.

It was a lot to ask a person, to leave everything, to give it all up for love. Leaving their significant other, their entire life with them, and be with someone else. How could Blaine ever ask him to do something like that? From the beginning they'd agreed to just be—what? Friends with benefits or something like that? Such bullshit. Did he really think he could do that? Was Kurt really ableto do that?

Blaine stared absent-mindedly out the window. It'd be nearly impossible for he and Kurt to be together. He knew that—but goddammit—he wanted it so bad.

He wanted to hold Kurt's hand as they walked down the street. He wanted to take Kurt out to a nice restaurant, or sneak a kiss while they watched a movie in the theater. He wanted to go and see a Broadway musical, or share a pretzel in central park!

Blaine couldn't imagine a life without Kurt Hummel. It was too hard.

Blaine picked up the phone hesitantly, his fingers wavering over the call button.

He knew he was asking for too much. It was quite possible that admitting all this to Kurt would mean he'd lose him forever. It could cost him this weird messed up relationship he had with him now. Kurt could never want to speak to him again—but he had to say something. He had to say something or Blaine's heart would physically break.

Blaine's hand pressed down on the green button, slowly raising the phone to his ear.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked, surprised at how quickly Kurt had picked up.

"Blaine! I was just about to call you—I umm…" Kurt's replied quickly, "I—I had something I needed to tell you."

"Me too." Blaine said, taking a deep breath.

"Blaine—I wasn't completely honest with you at the hotel today." Kurt blurted.

'Wait what?"

"I was going to tell you, but I—I didn't know how to say it." Kurt said softly, clutching the phone closer to his ear.

"No, I wasn't being honest either." Blaine said, "I've been meaning to tell you something too. Well two things really…I've been feeling different, like about you, I mean…about us. And things with Danny and I was meaning to tell you! But I didn't know how because I couldn't figure out what we were if we're really anything at all—not that we're nothing! Its just that—shit, I don't know what the hell I'm saying right now. Umm, what I meant was—look…remember that night when you stayed over, and we were talking about the porch and the fence and all of—damn it." Blaine was struggling to get the words out right.

Kurt waited as Blaine collected his thoughts. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Was Blaine about to say what he thought he was going to say? He couldn't…

"Look Kurt—what I'm trying to say is…that I'm not exactly—I don't think we're just casual anymore. I feel more…more…I feel well…more. I can't stop thinking about you—all the time! And I just…" Blaine sighed, letting out a shaky breath.

It all hit Kurt in an instant. Blaine loved him too? Who were they kidding? A casual fling? Really? They couldn't be in their right minds to think it would work. God! This couldn't be happening…

"Blaine." Kurt said softly, cutting off Blaine's stammering.

Blaine fell silent.

"Blaine," Kurt said again, his voice trembling, "Josh and I…we—we finally set a date…we're getting married in 2 months."

It was a long time before either of them spoke again. Blaine could hear Kurt's shaky breathing, on the other end, and he was positive Kurt could hear his own heavy breathing, as tried to get a grip on himself.

Kurt didn't expect this to hurt as much as it did. He could feel his whole body quivering as he waited for Blaine to say something—anything.

Was he mad? Was he upset? Did his heart hurt as much as Kurt's did right now? Were his eyes stinging from tears too? Why wasn't he saying anything? Say something…please.

Kurt took the phone away from his ear, and covered his mouth with his hand, hoping he could control the wave of tears forming in his eyes. He was about to hang up the phone when he heard Blaine take a deep steady breath on the other end of the line.

"Kurt…" Blaine finally said, his voice was firm, but Kurt could still hear the slight tremble in his voice, "Me and Danny—we ended it…"

Kurt bit down on his bottom lip as he felt the dam break and the tears starting to roll down his cheek. "Wh—what?"

"I—I couldn't take lying to him anymore—lying to myself. I love you Kurt, and—and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't just settle for this…whatever it is... I love you—I need you."

Blaine couldn't hear anything but silence on the other end.

"Kurt?"