4.

Kurt walked the halls of the NYADA dorms with his head held high as he had done at McKinley. Only after a few weeks he noticed that nobody was bothering him there, most girls were approaching him in a friendly way and tried to get to know him. Kurt always tried to stay polite but kept them at arm’s length, after all they were a distraction from his work.

The boys were a different story entirely. Most of them were gay and some of them hit on Kurt repeatedly. He tried to ignore it and to think of them as inferior for giving in to their primal sexual urges. Not only did it annoy him, it also reminded him of what he could never have and made him angry. He worked hard on trying to push these thoughts away and suddenly they were being dragged out again. So he tried to stay in his room as much as possible, only coming out to attend his classes or walk through the city once in a while.

He had a single room and was thankful for it every day. He enjoyed the silence and being able to get his schoolwork done and doing extra assignments when he had finished. Soon people started to realize that he wasn’t interested in making friends or lovers with anyone of them and they left him alone. Only shooting him curious glances once in a while and thinking him a little stuck up.

In no time he was the most shining student of his age group and received constant praise and appreciation from his teachers. The only kind of approval he needed. He was proud of what he had become and he enjoyed the big city. He would not have dared to say that he was happy but at least he was living his dream.

Sometimes at night he had those odd moments where he suddenly felt a stab of pain in his stomach and he cried for a while after that, frantically grabbing his bed sheets. He then thought of Blaine’s hands again, stroking through his hair and it soothed him into sleep. He was even more embarrassed of this habit now that they weren’t even friends anymore. He hadn’t even seen him in years, sometimes he even forgot was his face looked like, but his hands he always remembered. He had come to accept that this was probably something that would not go away.

Walking the streets of New York with all those people rushing by him he sometimes wondered if there were other people like him in such a big city. He technically knew that he wasn’t the only one but in a place like New York there was a possibility that someone like him was actually walking by him right that second. Not that it would’ve changed anything, after all Kurt Hummel had found his place in the world, fabulous and successful and he was proud of that.

He did notice that he started to get dark circles under his eyes. His hair wasn’t as shiny as it used to be in high school no matter what he did with it and he had to struggle to keep his weight up. He once looked at himself in the mirror of a clothing store trying on some tight fitted jeans. The bright lights made it worse of course but it still hit him how horrible and sick he looked.

He then avoided going home. Burt kept asking him if he was alright and just looked at him worryingly the entire weekend whenever he came over. So he kept it to phone calls once in a while, telling his dad about the grades and praises he had received.

Everything changed during one of those phone calls when his father told him that he was going to have to work less because of his health. Kurt immediately asked him whether he should come home and help him but Burt told him to stay put and not to worry. “It’s not like it has gotten a lot worse Kurt. It’s just that I’m getting older and Carole worries that the whole Senate thing is wearing me out. So I’ll be at home more and there’ll be less money but we’ll manage”. Kurt thought about it for a moment and then agreed that it would be for the better. “I’m glad Carole has taught you to take better care of yourself, dad.” he said. “I like to think that someone is looking out for you now that I’m gone”. “You know she is.” Burt replied. “But listen, Kurt, there is something that has to change because of the new financial situation that we’ll be in. I talked to the NYADA person for living arrangements and we have agreed that you will have to move to a shared room with someone else.”

Kurt didn’t protest. Of course not. Out of respect for his father. But he was furious for an entire week, randomly kicking things and throwing his books at walls everytime he hit a dead end while studying. He went to the office for living arrangements multiple times trying to fix things to keep his loved solitude. Soon enough the woman felt annoyed by his very presence and his long speeches about privacy and paired him up with a new student to move into a bigger room.

She was a cute, small blond girl with curls. Constantly talking about how excited she was to be there and how much she loved New York. Kurt tried to ignore her and soon enough her voice became like white noise to him and he was able to go back to studying. Apparently his new roommate had expected him to help her make friends or adjust to the new school which she quickly learned that Kurt wasn’t going to do. He actually found her a lot less annoying than he thought he would. She grew a lot quieter soon and always smiled at him and asked him how his day had gone. She was also the only one who didn’t silently judge him everytime she saw him in the halls.

A few weeks after she moved in she still hadn’t given up on talking to Kurt. She was eager to find out more about his life and everytime Kurt gave an answer to shut her up she remembered a story that fit to what he just said. Most of their conversations were with Kurt leaning over some textbook on his desk, his back towards his roommate while she was excitedly bouncing on her bed telling him about something she saw in the city today. She also kept him informed on all the new friendships she was making and all the boys she liked. Half of those had already hit on Kurt but he decided it was for her to find out.

One night she came rushing in, rambling and immediately pushing open her closet, throwing clothes over her shoulder. Kurt sighed, rubbing his temple and turned around slowly. “What in god’s name is going on. Would you please. Explain yourself”. He got up from his chair and gracefully fell onto his bed. She turned around and took a deep breath. “Okay look. Joe invited me to a party.” she looked at him expectantly. “Okay..” Kurt answered slowly. “And Joe is.. who exactly?”. “Are you serious Kurt? I’ve been talking about him for weeks. It’s this really cute guy I sat next to in class once. He is probably the best looking man I’ve ever laid eyes on and” she made a dramatic pause. “ He is super nice and he invited me to a party.” She squealed and Kurt managed a half grin that he used to pull on Rachel whenever she acted like that, which was pretty much always.

“And it’s not just any party Kurt.” came a voice from deep inside their closet. “It’s this really cool college frat party at NYU where usually you can’t get in if you don’t go there. But he pulled some strings and now he’s taking me, Kurt. ME! Out of all people.” she stopped and looked at him. “Do you think that’s a good sign?” Kurt shrugged. “I think it’s a good sign.” she went on.

 Oh and by the way he told me I could bring someone. Oh my god. I should totally bring you.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “And why on earth would you do that?”

“Because it would be so. much. fun. Kurt? Come on! I bet you haven’t partied in ages!”

Kurt tried to think about it and yes truly, the last party he went to was Rachel Berry’s stupid house party with Blaine. When he wore that gorgeous sweater and when he did those things to the microphone and when he giggled all the time when he was drunk and …  “KURT! So are you coming with me?”

“No.” he said and sat up stretching his back. “I don’t …” He scrunched his nose and made a dismissive hand motion. “..party.” he spat out.

She had already started applying make up and trying on different tops, turning in front of the mirror. Kurt sighed and got up to return to his desk.

“You should, you know. Come with me. It would be amazing and you could get really drunk and forget all the problems you’ve been having.”

“I don’t have problems. I’m perfectly fine.” came the annoyed answer from the desk.

She sighed. “Of course you are.”

But something started nagging Kurt. Drinking away his non existing problems didn’t sound like a bad idea at all. In fact, he never even drank much in his life so this should be a cheap experience as well and frankly, he would've thrown that book soon anyways.

“How do I look?” she asked and Kurt actually approved of her choices.

“I’ll come with you. Just give me a second to put on a nice shirt.” he answered nonchalantly. His small roommate’s mouth fell open as she followed him across the room. “Wait. Are you serious?”

She watched him pull out a shirt.” Oh my god. You’re serious! Oh we’ll have so much fun!”

She attempted to hug him which ended in an awkward half hug since Kurt hated body contact. She then went on telling him more details about the infamous Joe until the guy joined them in a taxi. Needless to say, Kurt found him incredibly obnoxious.

As soon as they were inside the small bar that was rented out for that occasion Kurt fled from their little group and sat in the back of the bar.

With a drink in his hand that wasn’t very satisfactory he tried to idly scan the crowd which turned out to be rather difficult with the thick smoke hanging in the air. Kurt sighed and leaned back. This was going to be a long evening.