1

Kurt pulls his knees tighter to his chest and chokes a sob into the crook of his elbow. It’s 3 in the morning and it’s a damn school night. But he can’t stop watching those white shadows playing on his bedroom ceiling and wondering how many tears he’d have to cry before he’d dehydrate. Deep down he knows that the night won’t go on forever and that he’ll have to face Blaine the next day. Blaine, in his well cut Dalton uniform with his sparkling eyes and that soft skin that he now knows the smell of. And this makes it all so much worse.

For months he had been fantasizing about this. He had been lying in his bed all afternoon imagining Blaine lying next to him and gently holding his hand. Sometimes he thought of the way Blaine’s hair had looked that day, approving of his style choices or imagining them shopping together for their first apartment. He had tried to remember Blaine’s voice and what it would sound like if he ever told him that he loved him. And of course - the smell. The smell of Blaine’s hair, the smell of his neck and his cheek when Kurt would press his nose there when kissing him, the smell of his soft chest when he’d fall asleep with his face hidden there.

Kurt’s homework lay abandoned on his desk day after day and everytime he managed to snap out of these dream scenarios his heart clenched a bit at the realization that none of that would ever happen.

He had admitted to himself that he was in love with Blaine the same day he promised himself that he would never be with him. And after the initial pain went away he could again smile freely at his best friend and sing with him and read magazines with their thighs brushing on Blaine’s bed. The stabbing pain had been reduced to a silent dull ache that he pushed away every time it surfaced.

And then today happened and Blaine ruined everything. Today, when Kurt was working in one of the common rooms trying to catch up on some of the classes he had neglected. He knew Blaine had entered without looking up and finished reading that chapter on English history he had to summarize. He heard Blaine’s light steps approaching hesitantly and felt the couch dip next to him as he sat down.

After snapping his books shut he looked up and found his best friend awkwardly slouched into the corner of the couch, looking down on his fingers deeply lost in thought. “Are you okay?” Kurt reached out and placed a gentle hand on Blaine’s knee trying to get him to look at him. Blaine suddenly focused and straightened up moving closer to Kurt and looking into his eyes “Yes. I mean, I think so.” He stammered and frowned. “We need to talk. Well, I need to talk. To you. About us.” He sighed and buried his head in his hands. After a long silence he quietly added “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this Kurt but.” he hesitated, looking away and plucking on a piece of leather at the end of the couch cushion. “Over the last couple of months we’ve become really close friends right?” Kurt nodded. He felt uneasy, an odd feeling rising in his stomach. “Yes..” he whispered, the awkwardness of the situation hitting him. “Well, I just. For me.. things have changed. I just..” suddenly he let out an awkward laugh looking directly at Kurt with flushed cheeks and wide hopeful eyes. “I’m in love with you, Kurt. I.. I want us to be more than.. friends” he reached out and grabbed Kurt’s hand.

Something inside of Kurt fell at that single touch and landed somewhere deep down in his stomach.

Kurt couldn’t quite process what had just happened with the fear inside of him slowly building. For a second he thought of what would happen if he could just say “me too” and fall into Blaine’s arms. If he was normal. But he wasn’t. For a short second there must’ve been the ghost of a smile on his face that made Blaine lean in to kiss him. Kurt was enveloped by Blaine’s cologne, their lips almost touching when he suddenly came back to his senses and bolted back. Tripping over the couch he stumbled backwards followed by Blaine’s hurt look. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… I can’t. I simply can’t”. He whispered and ran from the room out into the hallway.

His chest felt like it was being ripped apart and he kept seeing that expression of embarrassment and hurt and rejection on Blaine’s face that was usually filled with joy and compassion and it ached him even more knowing that he was the one who put it there.

Kurt knew that he couldn’t face him again that day, so he skipped all his classes and went home mumbling something about a stomachache to his dad. He immediately turned off the lights in his room and pretended to be asleep when Burt came to check in on him later.

He kept rethinking those moments in the common room over and over. Blaine loved him. He really did. And every time he tried to feel a little happiness about it, the next thought that he could never be with him made him want to scream and shout at whoever was responsible for his life, for making him the way he was. For the fact that he would never be able to be with Blaine, or anyone for that matter. But he didn’t care about that.

When the house went quiet later that night, he got out of bed and slowly undressed himself to put on his pajamas. He switched the lights on on purpose wanting to see, to remind himself why. He stared into the mirror at his thighs and ran a palm over them. He had always loved his stomach, very soft yet defined and he lay a gentle hand on it, a small tear running down his cheek at the thought that nobody would ever lovingly touch him like that. And then with all the hatred he could muster he looked down in between his legs, where he couldn’t see anything, just some fine hair disappearing between his legs and he dug his fingernails into his thighs trying to feel a physical pain to level out the one he felt in his heart.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he lay down and tried to sleep, tried not to think of what he had done to Blaine today. But it was better for him in the long run. Blaine would find someone special worth dating that he could become happy with and Kurt would not stand in the way of that. Not even in his thoughts could he come up with a way of telling Blaine about his condition. It was an impossible thing. Just imagining the look on Blaine’s face if he ever found out made him sick. The confusion and the poor attempts to hide it, trying not to hurt Kurt’s feelings and then pity, the worst of them all. No, he told himself. He would go through life with his head held high, he would be successful and find other things to fill his time. Love was not for him, it would never be, and he might as well realize that now.

Before he finally fell asleep he locked away his love, somewhere deep inside his heart and knew that it would be always be his last and only one.