Chapter 1: I am Tired

As Blaine left the Lima Bean I wanted to scream in frustration and at the same time cry from hurt. I was upset with Blaine of course I was who wouldn't after everything the happen the past few days.

Try to see things in my perspective; I have a major crush on the boy! Ugh it's not a crush I'm in love with him. Then he is always flirting with me and expects me not to feel anything! Then at Valentine's Day I help him serenade another boy (huh! not even boy more like 50 year-old) where afterwards I have to comfort him which later has me revealing my feelings for him only to get rejected! Then he goes acting like none of it happened! I don't want to seem like a person who wants Blaine only for himself but GOD! He makes it so .......fucking frustrating. Thinking things were alright a few weeks later I invited Blaine to Rachel stupid party in hopes of impressing him only to have him and Rach swapping spit in each other's mouths. I mean he knows I have feelings for him but, why does he to rub it in my face that he's not interested?

You know something, enough with this pity party, you are Kurt Elizabeth Hummel! And you are done with this bullshit! Why should I be always going with this on-going pain? Why should I be the one crying myself to sleep like a weak child? Now that I ask myself these questions why am I the way I am? I have good manners to not come off as a rude person. I do this so people will like me. I dress the way I do to show, to impress, to bring lusting looks my way. I also dress for myself but mostly to come off classy and good with other people. I do my skin routine to look perfect, to look flawless for people, to attract attention. Heck In do a lot for people and what do people do? They give me crap!!

I joined the football team to impress my father and come out as straight. I tried to come off as badass because I was upset I wasn't on the glist. I stopped fighting for solos from Rachel because I knew Mr. Shue would kiss her ass at the end! I joined the Cheerios to get more attention, school-wise and singing-wise. I am fluent in French to impress. I got Burt and Carole together to get closer to Finn but ended heartbroken because Finn practically stole my father and ended up calling me a fag afterwards (Finn not dad). This is McKinley oh no here comes Dalton!

I auditioned with a beautiful song to show off my vocal skills only to get insulted for trying to stand out. I stood out my entire life for being gay, even before I knew it myself! They say to me to fit in as I haven't tried before. I later embraced that I stood out, that I was my own person that I shouldn't suppress my personality. Then I come here for them to say the exact opposite! Ugh it's so frustrating! I do this it's a no-no, then I do that it's a no-no. Okay so I try to fit in again at Dalton to not come off as bitchy to those who I just befriended. But fitting in Dalton basically means being in the background never being in the spotlight......and I hated that. Because I know that if I'm in the background in the future I will come off as those yea-I-think-he-was-in-the-Warblers guy. Then there is Blaine! Like I said before I do things for him! Do I ever get a thank you noooo!

I am just tired. I am tired of trying to impress, to fit in. I am tired of all this bullshit. I am tired of getting kicked around, of being judge, but mostly of being heartbroken and pushed away. Well! All of that is going to change. No longer will I be Kurt Hummel the Kicking stone! I will be known, be feared, and be lusted over.

Kurt Hummel needs a change.