Kurt’s POV

I know we have to talk. Yesterday was lovely and, while Elizabeth wouldn’t have anything to do with Blaine, it was nice to see Blaine and Thomas interacting again. At times I could even believe that nothing had ever changed over the past 6 months. That Blaine hadn’t been distant for so long and that we were just as happy as we have always been. But then something would remind me that we’re not. That I’ve spent the last 6 months having my heart broken by this man. That I’ve spent the last 6 months raising our children almost single handed whilst trying to hold down a very demanding job, and keep the house in order.

What is worse was each time I started to feel slightly happy I was quickly reminded how unloved I’ve felt over the past 6 months. How I’ve been made to question the way I’ve been behaving. How I’ve questioned if I’ve somehow become unlovable or uneasy on the eye. And right now no matter how much anyone may tell me otherwise that’s just what I feel like. It’s strange, because back when I was younger I never needed anyone for me to feel good about myself, and even when people put me down I never thought I was bad looking. It’s funny how the man I love rejecting me over and over again has made me question everything I ever thought about myself. 

And I know that’s why we need to start talking sooner rather than later. Because as much as Richard has made Blaine doubt himself, Blaine has made me doubt myself. It might have been caused but two completely different reasons but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and that doesn’t mean I’m not suffering. I know we both need to talk about how we are feeling. I need to hear Blaine out and hear why he decided it was best to act like he did. And I need to be honest with him and tell him how his actions have made me feel. I know that it will only be once we have done that that we will have any chance of trying to patch this relationship back together. And I know that even if we are both willing to work at that, it’s going to take some time. And that’s if we can ever get back what we had after all that’s happened. I want to be able to but I know I have to be realistic about the whole thing.

I decide that it’s best for us to talk somewhere neutral, so most certainly not in this house. There are too many memories here for both of us, both individual and shared. We walk to the park in silence, having agreed that if either of us needs a bit of space we can easily take ourselves off for a walk. It isn’t like being enclosed inside anywhere, where we would feel like we have to stay. We walk in silence and I hate how uncomfortable it feels, it’s not something I’m used to. I’m used to being able to spend hours in silence with Blaine knowing that words aren’t needed, that we feel comfortable enough to just be ourselves. But right now it’s clear we’re on edge and that we both need to talk. The silence only seems to make to walk drag even more.

Once we arrive we walk to the far end where I know there is a secluded bench, away from other members of the public, just in case emotions do get a bit out of hand. We end up sitting at completely opposite ends of the bench, as if we are both scared of the other, and it seems that both of us are waiting for the other to start. Not quite knowing what to say or how to go about this.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine begins after the long silence. But it’s not what we need. It’s not what either of us need. We both know that he’s sorry for what he’s done. And his repeating it won’t change anything.

“I know you are,” I reassure. “That isn’t why we are here. We’re not here for you to apologize. We’re here to allow us to talk it through. For you to try and explain what you did, and for me to explain how that made me feel. To find out where we both stand and work out where we want to go from here,” I explain, turning to look at Blaine.

“There is just so much. I don’t even know where to start,” Blaine tells me honestly. And it’s a start, his being honest.

“Then let me start?” I question, as I don’t want him to feel like he can’t if he wants to. But he nods so I do just that.

“When I read your email, the main thing that was on my mind, wasn’t really the content other than the final sentence. You telling me that you were coming to Lima. I didn’t know what it might mean for me or for us. But just to know that you were willing to come to Lima, to be near me, it made me wonder if actually maybe you did still care,” I confess. And this whole thing is a lot harder than I thought. I don’t really know what I say either.

“I understand,” Blaine replies so I continue.

“Then I did as you asked. I read the emails. Or I read the first email; I don’t know how many times I had to stop. Because no matter what you had put me through up to that point, it still hurt me reading the things your dad said about you and our family. I mean, I’ve always known your father has had problems with you, but seeing it there in front of me made me realize how bad it’s always been. And honestly, I couldn’t imagine my dad ever being like that. But that wasn’t the hardest thing to take from it all. What was hardest for me, reading your emails, was the ones where you defended me and defended Thomas and Elizabeth. As that was the man I loved right there.” I declare, unable to look anywhere but the floor.  “Writing those words defending this family no matter what it cost you. But knowing that that wasn’t what I had been seeing. While you had been defending us to you father. You were driving us apart. And while I realize what you were doing, I can’t understand it,” I admit, finally allowing myself to look up and into Blaine’s eyes and not at the floor.

Blaine is quiet for a while and I wonder if I’ve said too much already. And that worries me with all I have left to say. But after a while he does start speaking. “Honestly, at first, I didn’t want to bother you. I mean why, after all of the years I’d had living happily with you, would I let a man who stopped loving me the minute he learned the real me break that up. My dad had never loved me the way you had, so I thought I could just deal with it, and not have to worry you.” I can tell this whole conversation is making Blaine uncomfortable. And I know it’s the fact that he’s opening himself up right now. It’s never something he’s found easy. But I let him continue as I really don’t want to interrupt him. “I know you’ve always had so much on. I know how hard you work for Vogue and everything and really, I thought the last thing you would want on your mind was my father,” Blaine reveals. And even though we haven’t been talking for very long yet, I feel as though we may get somewhere with this conversation.

“You know that was never true though, don’t you?” I ask even though I’m going to answer my own question. “No matter how busy I was, with work and the children and everything else I would have always had time for you. Even if you just wanted to rant about the whole thing and not even want me to respond I would have still been there to listen,” I assure. And I can tell Blaine is still uncomfortable, by the way he is fiddling with his own hands. He’s scared he’s losing control of everything. I know one thing that may work in this situation. It’s not ideal, but  I’m sure it will ground him. It will allow him to continue to talk and solely focus on why were are here and nothing else.

“Blaine,” I speak gently, holding out my hand hoping he understands what I want to do. It’s something I’ve done for him many times in the past, when he found out he had to have surgery because of Sebastian, when he was failing to keep calm when I tried to have a meal over at the Anderson’s, and even briefly on our wedding day. But I wonder if he remembers. It seems he does though, as the second my hand is extended his wrist is in my palm. I close my hand around it gently I press my thumb firmly against his pulse. I see him sag with relief almost instantly, and it seems I made the correct decision.

“Thank you,” Blaine states simply in return. He continues to speak again, and this time I have a feeling most of what happened over the past few months will come out. “I know, and it was the first mistake in a line of many. When it continued after I didn’t tell you originally, I was scared what you might think about me for not telling you if I told you now. My father was already making me feel weak, and I was scared you would make me feel even weaker for not coming to you straight away.” Blaine says, looking away from me. I allow him to. I just allow him to continue speaking, knowing that I will get my time. Right now while he’s doing so well and he needs to continue. I know how hard this is for him, even with me.

“I mean, I know that that you wouldn’t have,” he emphasizes “but I was already in that headspace and couldn’t believe anything but.” I increase my grip on Blaine’s wrist slightly so that he knows that I’m still listening to him and what he has to say. “And then he started to threaten you, and I felt like I had to protect you. And I don’t mean because I don’t think you can protect yourself. But because I felt that as your husband it was my job to stop you getting hurt. I know you’ve been threatened enough in your life.” Blaine continues to explain, and we seem to have migrated slightly closer as he’s been talking and it’s nice. We aren’t too close to be uncomfortable, but we’re not sitting so far apart that we could pass as complete strangers. “What I didn’t envision was how hard keeping it all from you would be. By keeping you safe, by keeping it from you, I was pushing you away. And the more my dad threatened, the more I thought that pushing you away was the right thing to do. That it was better to be hurt by someone who loved you, than it would for me to let my father hurt you.” And Blaine is beginning to cry and I think it’s only now that I really do realize just how much he has hurt himself as well.

I lift my free hand and gently wipe away the tears. “Hey, no need for the tears. I think I’m starting to understand. Can you continue, please?” I ask gently, not wanting to push but wanting to be able to know the rest of what Blaine has to say.

“Soon I got into a headspace that you were better, and safer, without me. But I couldn’t break up with you, and I couldn’t let me dad hurt you. I knew my only chose was to drive you away, and I thought it was best for both you and the children. I feel like half of the past six months I haven’t really been me. My father’s been inside my head, and I didn’t realize what I was doing until it was too late. There were a few times I tried to be honest, but by then I felt like I was in too deep, and that I would lose you anyway if I told you the truth. And deep down I knew that was never what I wanted. I never wanted to lose you or the children. You make my life complete. But for some reason I didn’t seem to get full control back of who I was until Wes showed up. And I don’t know quite how but he made me realize that actually letting you leave was a bigger mistake that keeping it all from you in the first place. And it truly was.” And the tears are falling down his cheeks again, but I leave them as I can feel my own falling too. “I realized that the whole six months were the biggest mistake of my life, and that even if you hated me, I would hate myself even more if I didn’t at least try to explain why I had done it all. To at least try and make things right,” Blaine finishes the last bit so fast that I struggle to keep up with what he’s saying, but I soon realize that it’s all out when Blaine dissolves into sobs next to me. 

“Thank you,” I whisper, moving myself so I can offer Blaine some comfort. “It means a lot that you have told me, and it makes me understand more why you did it. I will be honest with you, I am still not happy that you did it. But I am happy you explained it to me.” I tell him honestly, but say nothing more. I know how far we have come today and if this is where we leave it, I’m happy. After a while Blaine speak again.

“Will you tell me?” he asks, voice still horse from the crying. And I think I know what he wants to know but I want him to confirm it before I start.

“Tell you what?” I question.

“How it made you feel. I told you why, and you said at the start this talk was for both of us. And I know that means you need to be honest with me about how I made you feel. Not just me telling you why I did it.” And it’s so true. This can’t be one sided, not anymore.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” I respond, not wanting to keep Blaine waiting too long. He nods, so I start without waiting for him to say anything else.

“It hurt me a lot. That’s the easiest way for me to sum it up as a whole,” I begin, because it’s the easiest way for me to go into this. “At first I thought maybe it was just the pressure of work or something. So I tried to help and you pushed me away. And it just hurt a little bit but I could put it aside, as after a while you seemed back to normal. But then you started to withdraw more, and the more you did that the more I wondered if it was me.” I look up as Blaine takes hold of both of my hands, offering me gentle support. And it’s nice that he feels comfortable enough to return the gesture I showed him earlier, even if it’s achieved in a different way. “I couldn’t help but question if I wasn’t a good enough husband. And that was when you started just rejecting me for everyday stuff. Then I struggled to remember to last time we were intimate in the bedroom and I tried to do something to make you feel good and you pushed me off. And it left me wondering if I was really that repulsive and that’s why you didn’t want to be near me anymore. And that’s just what you were doing to me personally. But I also had to watch what you were doing to our children.” The tears have been building in my eyes and at the talk of our children I can’t hold them back anymore. I let them flow know that this is the time to do it; this is the time to be completely honest. Blaine’s done me that favour and now it’s up to me to return it.

“I had to watch as Elizabeth became more and more unsure of who you were. When you started to withdraw from her she wasn’t old enough to understand. Every time I mentioned you and she told me ‘no dada’ it broke my heart. Because I wanted her to have the same relationship she does with me with you. And then there was Thomas, and all the times you broke promises to him. All the times you weren’t around to tell him the fact you were breaking them. I had to be the one to tell him.  I had to see the way he tried to hide how disappointed he was, in a way no 5 year old should have to.” And I know that this is starting to sound like I’m blaming Blaine for everything, but now that it’s coming out I can’t help it. I’ve held it in for so long.

“I kept trying to be strong. Every time you were late home I tried to think you were doing it for the family. That I would get answers soon. But they never came. And I was working harder to try and keep our children happy, trying to keep my job going, and the house in order. And I had to watch as you came and went as you pleased. And through it all, I had to hold myself together. As each day there was less and less physical contact between the two of us. You stopped telling me you loved me, and stopped kissing me and stopped hugging me. And I felt like I was carrying the weight of everything on my shoulders. And the one person, who I would normally turn to for support, was the one causing it. But what hurt the most was that it was being caused by a man who I thought loved me; a man I knew that, no matter what, I would never stop loving.” And this time it’s my turn to break, because I’ve said it. I’ve said the one thing that leaves me most vulnerable. I’ve admitted to Blaine that no matter what he does to me, I won’t ever be able to stop loving him.

I soon feel myself encased in Blaine’s arms. And I can’t remember the last time he held me. And it only makes me cry harder, because it’s always been something that’s been so easy between us. And right now after we have both opened up to how we’ve been feeling. Both aired feelings that have been hidden too long, it’s what we both need.

“Sorry Kurt, I’m so so sorry.” And I can hear the tears in Blaine’s voice, and for once I’m glad because it shows that right now we are both at our most vulnerable. Both open to each other. And then he says the words that I need to hear the most. The words that make me understand why I am putting myself through all of this. “I never stopped loving you either.” And while things are far from solved, I know this is the first in a line of conversations where we try and sort out the mess that all this has become. And right now I really do believe it will end up being sorted. That we will become the family we were once more, and soon this will just be a bad chapter that we can put behind us.