Kurt’s POV

I wake up in the morning and at first I don’t know what woke me, but I soon realize. I can here shouting.

“No I want daddy, Grandpa let me see daddy.” I hear Thomas cry.

“Thomas we want to let your daddy sleep. He is tired. Let’s make you breakfast and then we can watch the telly until he wakes up.” I hear my father reply, trying to calm him down. While I appreciate the thought my dad had by trying to give me extra time in bed, I don’t want my son upset just so I can have a bit more sleep.

“No, I want my daddy to make my breakfast. Daddy always makes my breakfast.” I can tell now, just by listening to his voice, that Thomas has started crying. I get myself up and pull my robe off the back of the door where I had placed it last night. I open the door and walk out; the second Thomas sees me he runs and grabs hold of my leg.

“Daddy, daddy, Grandpa wouldn’t let me come and see you! But you always make me my breakfast in the morning.” Thomas wails at me.

I bend down so I am at his level and wipe the tears off his fact. “It’s all right sweetie. Grandpa was just trying to help me. You don’t need to get upset. I’m awake now anyway, so I will make your breakfast, ok?” I ask gently, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Ok daddy. I am sorry.” Thomas says, giving me a hug.

“It’s okay. Now go and give Grandpa a hug and say sorry for shouting at him please.” He does as asked and we start to make our way downstairs.

“Where is Elizabeth?” I ask my dad. I know it’s not too late, but if she didn’t start screaming from that noise, then I am pretty sure she is already awake.

“She’s downstairs with Carole. She started crying around 6 this morning and we didn’t want her to wake you, so Carole got up with her. Last I checked they were reading stories.” He reassures me. While it does reassure me, once again it makes me sad. Just like when Elizabeth went to Rachel better than she goes to Blaine the other week, she was happy with Carole getting her up this morning. I wish she still had the bond with Blaine that allowed him to do that.

True to what my dad said as we walk into the living room, I see Carole sitting on the sofa with Elizabeth on her lap, both of them surrounded by Elizabeth’s picture books.  Thomas runs over to the toy box and pulls out a few of his toys cars to play with.

“Morning Kurt, I see your dad’s plan to let you sleep in and get Thomas up for you didn’t work.” She comments gently.

“No it didn’t, but I don’t mind. Everything is a bit up in the air for him at the moment.” I reply back and it’s true. Coming back here over 3 weeks earlier than I had planned and without Blaine has thrown me enough and I am the one who made the decision. The sound of my voice causes Elizabeth to turn round and notice me.

“Dada, Dada,” she screams happily at me. Wriggling down from Carole’s lap and running over to me as much as her wobbly legs will allow her.

“Hello sweetie,” I greet, picking her up to give her a quick cuddle, “Are you enjoying stories with Grandma Carole?”

“Books,” She replies wiggling to get down, and I know she wants to go back over to Carole. I make it easier for her by walking over and passing her back to Carole. Carole offers me a smile, and I can see from the way she smiles that she is feeling sorry for me that Thomas didn’t let me sleep. But that is life when you have children and I know it all too well.

“I am going to make Thomas some breakfast does Elizabeth need some too?” I question.”

“No sweetie, she asked me for breakfast when we got up so I fed her. I hope you don’t mind.” Carole explains.

“No, thank you very much. You didn’t have to do all this for me.”

“Don’t worry about it, it was nothing. I can tell you haven’t been getting much help lately.” She’s right, and it hurts; it really hurts. I close my eyes and try and hold back the tears but I know a few have escaped anyway.

“Don’t cry daddy,” I hear Thomas say to me, and damn why is he so perceptive at times? I don’t want him to see me like this.

“Don’t worry Thomas, daddy is okay,” I reassure him. He’s five and I really don’t want him worry about me. “Shall we go and make you your breakfast?” I say trying to get him mind onto other things.

“Can I have pancakes please? It’s been agesssss since we had them!” he pleads, giving me those puppy dog eyes that he damn well just had to inherit from Blaine, didn’t he. Not only does it make it hard for me to say no to him, but it is just another reminder of how much I miss Blaine. Thinking of Blaine, I need to actually turn my phone on at some point soon to see if he did actually ring at all last night.  But seeing as my son is still giving me those puppy eyes I think I need to make his pancakes first.

“Of course we can. Come on, do you want to help me make the mixture?” Thomas loves helping me cook, just like I did with my own mother, but we just don’t have the time very often, especially when I am trying to watch him and Lizzie.

I open my mouth to ask Carole if she minds watching Lizzie, but I don’t even get the first word out of my mouth and she is talking. “Go and have some fun with your son. I will watch Elizabeth. I will bring her in if I think she needs you.“

“Okay, thank you Carole. The least I can do is offer you a drink though?” I say, because if my son wants pancakes, I need coffee, so I don’t burn them.

“I’ll have a tea if you are making, and I wouldn’t say no to some of those pancakes when they are done either.” Carole replies. I know that she will have been the only one cooking in this house. It’s not like my dad or even Finn can really cook, so I don’t mind at all. I take Thomas’ hand and walk him into the kitchen with me.

We have a really fun time making pancakes together, and when they are done, I call Carole and my dad into the kitchen to join us, know that Elizabeth won’t say no to a second breakfast. I dish up everyone’s pancakes, and am about to sit down with my own cup of coffee when my dad shots me a look that clearly tells me to get my own plate of food. I didn’t want to as I really don’t feel like eating In fact, I feel sick. I want Blaine. It’s all I can think about right now; wanting my husband here with me. But he isn’t and I can’t do much about that right now.

I grab myself a plate and just put one pancake and a small helping of fruit onto it. I’m hoping I will at least be able to stomach that much food, without it wanting to come back up. Honestly I know I should try anyway, Thomas has already seen me crying I don’t want him to worry about me any more if he notices I am not eating. 

Breakfast passes quickly and I am soon left with one very messy toddler. That’s what I get for letting her feed herself. I use a flannel to wipe her up and then do the same to Thomas even though he isn’t in half as much of a mess as Lizzie was.

I go with the children back into the living room, and set them up to play so I can hopefully go and get a shower. Really even with coffee I don’t feel able to start the day properly without a shower. Thomas asks to colour, and seeing as Carole offers to watch, I set up colouring for both him and his sister. It is one of the things Thomas loves most. He is definitely an artistic child. I know I will just get scribbles from Elizabeth but that doesn’t stop me loving her drawings all the same.

I am just about to leave the living room to head upstairs when I hear Thomas call me. “Daddy where are you going?” he asks worriedly. I hate the fact he is so worried just because I am leaving him for a few minutes. He isn’t normally like this.

“I’m just going to get a shower, so we can take you and Lizzie for a walk to the park darling.” I say gently.

“But I don’t want you to leave me daddy. I want you to stay here with me.” Is Thomas’ reply and this certainly isn’t normal behaviour for him.

“I will be here with you. I will just be upstairs. Grandpa and Grandma Carole are here if you need anything ok?”

“No daddy, no. Please don’t leave me.” And gosh what am I meant to say to that? I don’t understand why he is so scared all of a sudden. It worries me; other than around new people Thomas is never like this. He is always loves spending time with his grandparents; well his grandparents from my side anyway. Neither of the children has ever met their grandparents from Blaine’s side. Once again, I am back thinking about Blaine. I just don’t understand why almost everything I think about at the moment makes me think of Blaine. All I know is that right now I don’t want to think about Blaine. Just for half an hour I wish I could forget about all the stress that’s going on with him, and just allow myself to feel happy. But I can’t because without Blaine I’m not complete, and if I’m not complete how am I meant to feel happy?

I walk over and pick Thomas up, before sitting down on the sofa with him on my lap, so I can talk to him.

“Can you tell me why you don’t want him to go anywhere please?” I ask gently because I need to get to the bottom of it. No matter what, I can’t be with him constantly.

“I’m scared daddy.” is all he says, but I know it’s more than just him being scared. However it doesn’t look like he is going to tell me without me asking more questions. I pull him into a cuddle trying to offer comfort.

“What are you scared of Thomas? You know you can tell daddy, and I won’t be angry right? I just want to try and help you.” It’s all I want. Even if I can’t be happy right now, I want my children to be happy and feel safe.

“I know, but I don’t want to make you sad,” and right now it’s that fact he is worried about making me sad that is making me sad, not what is actually wrong.

“I am sure you won’t make me sad. But I do want to know so I can make my special little boy happy.” I know that sometimes when Thomas is scared he just takes a little bit of prompting to speak about what is making him upset. As a parent it is something I never want for either of my children to be unhappy.

“Okay,” Thomas says snuggling even closer to me, and I am glad that Blaine and I have made sure he knows it okay to need comfort from us. “I am scared that if you leave me for a little bit, then you will start leaving me a lot like papa.” He tells me honestly. I sound have known really that it would be something like that making him scared.

I know I have to think carefully about what I tell our son right now,  I don’t know why Blaine isn’t around, but I can’t make Thomas think he doesn’t want to be around even if it is true.

“Thomas, daddy would never leave you sweetie. And papa isn’t leaving you on purpose either. It’s just a few things beyond papa’s control, okay?” I try to explain gently without putting any more doubts into the small boy.

“I love you, daddy.” Is the response I get back, and I can’t help but smile, my son telling me he loves me always makes me feel warm inside.

“I love you too, Thomas.” I say back because I do. I love him, Elizabeth and Blaine more than anything in the world, along with my Father. I know I probably shouldn’t give in to him right now but if he is feeling insecure I feel like I need to. “Would it make you feel better if you sat in the bathroom while I have a shower?”

I feel Thomas nod against my shoulder, and I’ve just realised that he is gaining comfort by laying his cheek on my shoulder, a very similar way to what I did with my own dad last night. It makes me want that comfort back again and knowing this is hurting my son, makes me wish I had a magic wand that could sort it all out. But I don’t, so I can’t.

As I go through the day I slowly realize that Thomas isn’t letting me out of his sight, not even just to go to the bathroom. It’s hard because I have got so used to him being a fairly independent child and having him at my feet constantly just isn’t normal. By the time I get him into bed I am absolutely exhausted from all the little things I had to keep doing to stop Thomas getting upset. I crawl into my own bed and finally have time to look at my phone, something I’ve wanted to do all day. I see I have a missed call and voice mail from Blaine; well at least he realized we weren’t in the house.

I listen to the message, and I start crying all over again. Because really, is he not bothered that I just got up and left with our two children without so much of a word? I would have though he would have at least been a bit angry or emotional over the whole thing but nothing. It makes me wonder if it’s even possible to get the man I married back.