I feel awful about it, but I am so glad once the children are in bed. It doesn’t help that it took me over an hour to get Thomas to sleep, and he wouldn’t let me leave him until he was asleep. I am exhausted; not just physically from the journey, but also mentally exhausted from trying to hold myself together, from trying to stop myself from breaking, but I need to break. I can’t hold it in any more.

Finn has gone back to his own place. In a way I am pretty glad. Don’t get me wrong, despite a few mistakes, Finn has proven to be an amazing brother, but I don’t want him here while I break. I just can’t. I just need a dad, and a mom, right now. And I know Carole isn’t my real mom, but she is the closest thing I have.

I walk into the living room and either Carole or my dad has already got us all cups of coffee and they are set up on the table. My dad looks over at me and I can tell by the way his face changes that he knows just what I need. He stands up and walks over to me and envelopes me in a hug. I may be almost 30 years old but I don’t think I will ever stop needing hugs from my dad, and he knows it. My dad and I might be about the same height but that doesn’t stop me from laying my check against his shoulder, the way I had all those years ago when I had come out to him, scared he was going to reject who I was. As we hold each other, I close my eyes and allow myself to think about what is happening in my life. And I finally, after a good few months of needing to, allow myself to properly break.

I think about how much I miss my husband, the person I married not the one he is now or has become. I think about how, a few years ago, I would never have considered the possibility of my life being like this right now. I know we were married at a young age, especially after telling Finn and Rachel to wait, but our relationship hadn’t quite been the same. From the beginning we took things slow. We didn’t start it off cheating on another person, and it was right. Yes, we had a little slip up a few years into our relationship. But we gave ourselves enough time to heal and to decide what we really wanted, and to be together and get married was what we both wanted. Yes, the decision may have been slightly sped up by the fact that the time my dad’s cancer treatment wasn’t going well. But can anyone blame me for wanting at least one of my parents at my wedding? Back then when we made those wedding vows, I really did think we would be forever. I didn’t think I would be standing here crying into my dad’s shoulder just like I had all the times over the years, when I was younger and it was just me and him.

I allow myself to think about all the wonderful times I have shared with Blaine; from the first time he kissed me, sitting in the senior commons at Dalton, to the first time he told me he loved me, over coffee in the Lima Bean in such an unrehearsed way I could tell it had to be true. I even allow myself to think of our first time together. I treasure the fact that we didn’t run into that decision, and it is something I will never ever regret. It was perfect. I think about the day we reconciled our relationship. I had taken Blaine as my date to Will and Emma’s wedding, and after we somehow ended up in a heated make out session in a very steamy car. I think back to the day we found out our surrogate was pregnant with Thomas and how over joyed we’d been. And again when the same surrogate announced she was pregnant with Elizabeth. I remember the joy we felt and the tears we shed when both our children had been born, all those anniversaries we have shared together, and I just want it all back. Of course there were little disagreements but what relationships don’t have them? But never did I imagine we’d end up here.

I don’t have any idea how long I have been standing here, but I am pretty sure Carole has joined us, as I am sure I can feel an extra pair of hands on my back trying to soothe me. In a way it makes me break more but that is what I need. I need to break before I can begin to put myself back together again.

I allow myself to think about how things have changed recently, all those broken promises to me and our children. I remember that first time. I had sat on the sofa crying because Blaine was so late home and I had heard nothing from him and was thinking the worst. And then for him to just waltz in and tell me I was silly for worrying. I thought it was a one off thing, but how wrong I was. I think about all those times I have gone without dinner because I have waited for him to get back to eat together, but then I have just felt too sick to be able to eat in the end. All the times I have had to see Thomas’ face fall when I have told him he wouldn’t be seeing his papa that day. All of the times I have tried to get a screaming Elizabeth to go to him so I can have two minutes to myself but she won’t because she has no idea who he is. I think about how I have tried so hard to find out what is causing Blaine to act like he is, and how people are starting to think that he is cheating on me again. How I have tried to make him realized just how loved he is. Last of all I think about how I can’t help but think it’s my fault. That I have caused him to be like this and that just kills me. It all kills me. It kills me because I love Blaine so much. I always have and I know he will always have a place in my heart. But right now, I know no matter how much I love Blaine something has to change.

“I can’t do it anymore,” and it’s the first thing I say out loud, in what I know is a pretty long time.

“I know kiddo, and you don’t have to. I don’t know how right now, but we will sort this all out, son.” I know that somehow we will sort it out. Unfortunately right now, I also know that when I say we I mean my dad and I will find a way to sort this out. I don’t mean Blaine and me, and I really am wondering if Blaine even wants to sort this out.

“I just feel like my world is falling apart dad. I mean look it’s gone 9 o’clock and he hasn’t rang to find out where I am, so he clearly isn’t home once again.” I sob.

“What do you mean know where you are?” And oh right, I didn’t think about that. No one but Isabelle realizes I left without telling Blaine.

“Let’s sit down and I’ll explain,” I suggest, as really it’s not doing my back any good like this and I have a feeling this conversation is going to take a while. My dad pats me on the back once again before releasing me, and I realize I was right about Carole having joined us. I hug her as a way of saying thank you, before making my way to sit down, glad when my dad sits down next to me, instead of in his normal chair.

“Right about Blaine, I know I didn’t explain much on the phone earlier other than telling you I was coming home. So I will do it now starting from the start, and you will get what I mean about Blaine not knowing.” My dad nods at me to continue so I do just that. “You know we had a meeting with Thomas’ teachers today, about his progress this year and also to meet his new teacher with him, to help him with his anxiousness. Well, Blaine promised us this morning that he would be there,  but he texted me five minutes before he was supposed to be there to say he couldn’t make it, with no reason.” I say honestly.

“I’m sorry to say but it sounds like he has been doing far too much of that recently. But I don’t understand why that means you are here this time. In my opinion you have been putting up with it too much already.” My dad replies and he is probably right. I have put up with it for a long time, but I can’t help myself I didn’t want to break my family up without really trying to fix it.

“Thomas.” I state and I have to pause for a minute before I can continue, and my dad just allows me that time. Its proof how well we really did learn to read each other over those years we lived together, just the two of us. “He asked me if Blaine still loved him, and I almost fell apart right there and then. I don’t know how I managed to hold it together to assure him he does, even though I wasn’t sure I believed my own words as I said them.” The tears start again at the thought of Blaine not loving his own children.

I feel my dad’s hand on my knee, “I know it’s hard and I know he isn’t showing it right now, but I don’t think Blaine will ever stop loving those children of yours kiddo.”

“I know but having my son ask me that made me realize what all of this is really doing not just to me but the kids as well. Isabelle could tell something was up the second I got back to work. She was the one that insisted I come back here for a few weeks. She is paying me to try and work from here. You know how much trust she has in me and I am just glad from that. However, you may not understand this, but I did it and I can’t take it back now. She told me that I should leave without leaving Blaine a note. She said it would give me an indication of how much he really cared and maybe shock him into realizing what he is doing to us. I know it may not have been the best thing to do but I had to.” I take a deep breath and wait for my dad to respond, but I’m startled when it is actually Carole that starts speaking.

“Kurt sweetie, I don’t think it may have been the wisest thing to do, but I understand why you did it and you can’t take that back now. What time was he due home?”

“Around 7 but I doubted he would be home on time. If he follows his resent actions I am looking at closer to midnight, and he can just worry over night like I have for him so many times because I am not speaking to him at that time of night. I just can’t take it anymore; I really thought he was it.”

“I know you did sweetie. But I know you and even you coming here, to let you break and sort yourself out, doesn’t mean it isn’t it. We all know you won’t give up on Blaine without a fight.”

I have to smile at that because really it is true; I will fight for him. “You’re right; I just wish that right now I didn’t have to fight for him. I wish he was by my side like he used to be.” I don’t know exactly what but I know I would give almost anything to have my Blaine back. The one that made me feel like the most precious man alive and not like I am just a very inconvenient part of his life.

“We know you do son. And we don’t understand Blaine acting like this either. Through everything he has never treated you like this, and I never expected him to. But we will help you get to the bottom of it no matter what the reason, alright? You can make it through this son; you’re not alone in it. We are going to help you.” Its times like this that I am so glad that my dad has managed to dodge death three times already. I really don’t know what I would do without him.