Kurt's POV

few days have passed since I visited my mom with Thomas and unfortunately I am not feeling any better like I had hoped. If anything, I was actually feeling worse. The last contact I had from Blaine was the voice mail he left me when he realized me and the children had left. I decided not to contact him, hoping that it would encourage him to contact me again, but that didn’t seem to be happening. Over a week after we arrived, it seems he doesn’t really care what is going on after all. If I’m being honest with myself, this was one of my biggest fears, that I would find out that he really didn’t care about me or the kids anymore. And I just don’t know what to do about it.

I think my dad and Carole are both really worried about me too. I can tell by the way they speak to me, just the little things such as checking I’m ok. And I keep saying I am, even though I’m not. And there is the looks they give me, as if they wish they could help or take this all away. My dad told me that I need to ring Blaine because I can’t leave it like this; no matter what I need to do something. I know he’s right, but what am I meant to say to the man who is breaking my heart all over again. What hurts more though is that he hasn’t at least tried to contact me for the children. I mean deep down I knew all along that no relationship is guaranteed to last forever. I was however certain that, no matter what, Blaine would always love our children. Was I wrong?

However his not contacting me and behaving like he has been doesn’t add up. Something is missing. I’ve come to know Blaine inside and out. And well, something deep down is nagging me, telling me that maybe there is more going on than meets the eye. I know Blaine often bottles things up until he is ready to explode or break, but normally if it’s something big, and surely it has to be if it is causing this separation between us, he would have broken by now. His walls would have come down and he wouldn’t have been able to hold it back. 

Honestly I don’t know for sure if it’s just wishful thinking or genuine insight into Blaine, but something is telling me that this isn’t just him walking away from us because he doesn’t care anymore. I do know however, that no matter what it is what my dad said to me earlier is right. I ‘can’t keep ignoring the problem it won’t make it go away’. And whether that’s the problem that may be bothering Blaine, or the whole problem of our relationship I don’t really know. But I know I need to contact Blaine, as it’s pretty clear he isn’t contacting me.

I take out my phone and as soon as I do, my eyes are drawn to the lock screen and to the wonderful family picture of the four of us I have on there. And gosh we all look so happy! And really I think we were. It occurs to me that it was taken a few weeks before Blaine started to become distant, so maybe he was having problems even then.

I’m not thinking or wondering about anything; I’m just looking at the picture of us. After a while I realize I need to contact Blaine today. No matter what happens I know nothing is going to be solved or broken by a phone call, but I know I have to at least try and do something.

I unlock the phone and locate his number; I can’t help but smile at the picture I have set as his contact picture. It’s of the two of us looking so happy, and maybe slightly drunk, at Wes’ wedding, just over a year ago. Neither of us ever though it would take Wes so long to settle down, but it did. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t support him every step of the way when he finally did.

My finger hovers over the call button for a few seconds, but I know I just have to press the call button before I talk myself out of it. The phone rings and I am pretty sure it’s about to go to voicemail when Blaine picks up.

“Kurt?” Is all I get from the other side, but at least it’s something.

“Yes it’s me,” I reply. “I thought I would just ring to see if you were okay, because you’ve only rang once since the children and I left.” For the first time in so long I actually feel awkward talking to Blaine and it isn’t something I’m used to.

“I didn’t think I needed to. I gathered where you and the children had gone, so I didn’t see the point. I know you’re safe.”  At first I want to be angry for what he says, but I can tell something is off. Both for the tone he was using while he spoke, and from his final sentence. He has no reason to believe we wouldn’t be safe, so has no reason to make a comment like that. I really am starting to wonder if I am right about there being something more under the surface here.

“Of course we are. We are with my dad. Why wouldn’t we be safe?” I ask gently, wondering if he will say more.

“Oh no reason,” he replies blankly.

“Okay, I thought you may have at least rang to speak to the children though. Especially Thomas, he misses you, you know.” I say gently hoping that maybe I can get more out of him.

“Well I’ve been busy with work, I haven’t had time, and really I don’t have time now I need to get to bed. I’m needed at work at 9 tomorrow.”

“But Blaine, you can’t just keep…” I don’t get to finish my sentence however, he quickly cuts me off.

“Bye Kurt,” and then all I hear is the tone, letting me know he’s ended the call.

I’m left more confused than before I rang him. If I am trying to find anything remotely positive in it, I can say that it’s one of the longest conversations we have had in the past month. However something just seems off. I know that the whole way Blaine has been acting seems off, but it just seems like there is something more to this. Something I can’t put my finger on. But something is niggling away inside me telling me it’s there. Whatever it is, it seems that as soon as Blaine realized I had noticed his slip up he closed off. So whatever it is he clearly doesn’t want me to know for some unknown reason.

I know that there are so many things it could be, so many things he doesn’t want me to know. The first one to cross my mind is the obvious that he could be cheating on me. But I can’t imagine why he would comment about us being safe. I wonder if maybe some how he has gotten himself into some kind of financial trouble that could affect all of us, but seeing as me and the children are not there with him that makes us safe. I wonder if maybe he’s had trouble at work, or the gym. I know there have been a few people in the past that don’t agree with us, but again I wonder would that really make me or the kids unsafe? And I know that the more I think about this the more different options I am going to think of, and the more confused I am going to get. I pinch the bridge of my nose because really 11pm isn’t the ideal time to be thinking about all of this and giving myself a headache. However, I also know that there is already too much running through my mind and that I am not going to be getting to sleep anytime soon.  Instead I decide I might as well go downstairs, grab a cup of coffee, and maybe do some designing. Hopefully I will be able to get lost in the designs, just to give my brain a break.

I make sure I shut the kitchen door before putting the kettle on; because I know it’s not fair to wake anyone else in the house.  There is no reason for them to be up as well. However, I’ve not even been downstairs a minute when the kitchen door opens and my dad walks in. He only needs to take one look at my face before he speaks.

“What’s up kiddo?” and considering that I’m almost 30, the term may seem strange, but to me it offers comfort and consistency.

“I spoke to Blaine,” is all I say for now, because really I don’t know how to explain any of what I am feeling in words. “Coffee?” I ask, because if I am even going to try and explain, I am not doing it in my dad’s kitchen.

“Please son. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, you know,” he tells me worriedly. I nod in response because I know that I can’t, but that doesn’t mean I can stop it. If I want this relationship with Blaine to continue we need to talk, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. At the same time, if he thinks we do need to break for good, then he needs to tell me that too. But once again that doesn’t seem to be happening. I feel trapped. And no matter what, nothing will stop me worrying about Blaine.

I make the coffee in silence before moving into the living room. Sitting on the sofa, I pull my legs up under me and cradle my coffee like it’s my lifeline. To be fair, with the amount of sleep I am getting, it is.

“You’ve got to talk about this son,” my dad tells me gently, but in that tone that I know leaves pretty much no room for negotiation.

“There’s something wrong with him dad.” Because really I don’t know how else to explain it when I don’t even know what it is myself.

“I think we have known that for a while. Don’t you Kurt? Or you wouldn’t be sitting in my living room right now. Would you?” I know why my dad is responding how he is. He hates seeing me hurt. And I know that the anger he has gets directed towards the person who is causing it, in this case, Blaine.

“No dad. Just let me try and explain,” I say, just hoping he will listen without taking anything wrong. “I know that I am here in the first place because something isn’t right. But I am starting to wonder if there is more of an underlying cause than just Blaine cheating or not wanting to be with me anymore. He wasn’t himself on the phone. And I know you are going to say he hasn’t been himself for the past 6 months, and no he hasn’t, but there’s something else there dad. I don’t know what it is. But I know my husband. And I know he almost let his walls fall on the phone just now. But he won’t, because there is something he doesn’t want me to know. But that isn’t all. He mentioned knowing the kids and I are safe. What reason has he got to think we wouldn’t be safe? There is something there. Right now I don’t know if it’s something he got himself into or what, but I am sure there is something. But he won’t let me in and he won’t tell me what, and I just don’t know what to do anymore, dad! Every day I feel like I am getting that bit closer to breaking beyond the point of return and I’m scared.”

And really, I didn’t mean for it all to come out like that, but it did. And it does feel better, because I have tried being strong and acting like everything is okay, but it’s not. And right now it doesn’t feel like anything is ever going to be right again. And I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to deal with my own emotions. I spent years building walls up against everyone else, but I couldn’t deal with myself. And right now I am being faced with having to deal with the biggest of my own fears, and I just don’t know how to cope with that.

“Ok, kiddo, calm down.” My dad’s voice brings me out of my own head. “I know how hard you are finding this. But first off, you don’t have to pretend you are ok, because we don’t expect you to be; if anything, we would be worried if you were. Second off, I understand where you are coming from about Blaine not being himself, but I don’t want you to get even more hurt, if it turns out this is all to do with wanting your relationship over, or him being unfaithful to you again. And I really don’t want it to be true Kurt. I know what he means to you, but I can’t promise that it isn’t the truth. I think deep down you know that.”

“Yes, I know that it could be true,” I say honestly, because while I don’t want it to be, I know it could be.

“I think you just need to stop for a while. You have spoken to Blaine and you said yourself that is getting you nowhere. But it is getting you stressed. You need to take a step back and think about if there is any way you could try and sort this out. But you also need to sort your head out. Because, don’t take this the wrong way, but I am wondering if you are reading into it; because you want there to be a deeper meaning to why this is happening. A deeper meaning that will mean you don’t have to hurt any more, and while, in a way, I hope that is true, as I father I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I allowed you to only think that and end up hurting even more.”

“I know dad. And you are probably right. You know how I deal with pain. You know I shut myself off from it, and maybe that is what I am doing here. I just feel so down.”

“I know you do kiddo. But torturing yourself and staying up until gone midnight, when I know full well Thomas has been in your room every night and you’ve spent hours getting him back to sleep, isn’t going to help. Get yourself off to bed. Because right now the best thing you can do, is stay rested, because if there really is a deeper meaning there, well it could lead to a lot more difficulty to come kiddo.”

“Thank you, dad. I love you,” I say, as I decide to listen to him and head to bed.

“I love you too Kurt,” is his reply. I allow myself to leave the room, wondering what tomorrow will bring. And I know that my dad is probably right. No matter what is going on here, I may be in for more pain before any of my wounds can start to heal.