I sit in the choir room, staring at my phone. All I can think about is Kurt Kurt Kurt... I shake my head. I send my friend Eli a "poke", just for fun. I don't really even think about it.

     When Eli suggests that I come over, I hesitate. Then I decide I have nothing else to do since Kurt's gone and I need to get out more. I respond with a Sure, when?

From Eli C.: Today, after school. Come by anytime ;)

***

     I park my car by Eli's house. It's been a while since I've been here. I knock on the door and wait for a few seconds. When he finally opens the door, he looks me up and down and smirks. "Blaine...Long time no see. Come in," Eli says, and I start to get a bad feeling about this. But how rude would it be to say "I'm sorry, but I changed my mind," and leave? So I reluctantly follow him inside, hoping it won't get uncomfortable.

     "Um...so, Eli..." I start, closing the door behind me. He puts his arms on either side of me, pinning me to the door. Eli presses his lips to mine, and for a second I relax into the kiss. It reminds me so much of when Kurt and I would kiss...

     But then I remember that this isn't Kurt and that this is wrong. I push him away and say, "I have a boyfriend."

     Eli shrugs. He says, "He doesn't have to know," putting his hand on my thigh.

     "No," I say sternly, though my eyes are wide. "Get away. I'm going home. This was a bad idea."

     I push him back forcefully and run out of the house. Tears streaming down my face, I get into my car and slam the door shut. I just sit here, crying for about ten minutes before I decide to leave. I put my seatbelt on and start the car. I need to see Kurt.

     I drive to New York, blasting a Katy Perry CD so loudly I can barely hear myself singing along. I glance at the clock. It's 3:15... If I drive, I can get there at about midnight...

***

     "Blaine?! What are you doing here?" Kurt asks. Tears form in my eyes.

     "I just...came to see you..."

     I want to kiss Kurt...but then I remember that my lips touched his 9 hours ago and I feel disgusting. Like I'm not worth Kurt's kisses or whatever...

     So I sing "Teenage Dream" at the karaoke bar...I kind of fall apart remembering our relationship and how we met, how we got together...and I can see Kurt looking concerned as he watches from the audience...and all I can think is how I've done something so horrible and I'll never hear another "I love you" from Kurt...like how he hung up on me before I said it to him on our last phone call...So I just cry harder. I kind of mess up the song but I know it so well that I don't even need to be thinking about it; I've literally sung it while I was sleeping. Yeah... I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I've done. I cheated. On Kurt. Months after I was all upset because he texted someone behind my back.

     I walk over to Kurt and he looks at me with concerned eyes. "I..." I just start crying again.

     We walk outside, lagging behind Rachel and Finn. "So...That was really...moving," Kurt says, glancing at me sideways. "I guess I'm sort of wondering why that was."

     I stop and face him. "I..." I choke. I choke. "I just...Kurt..." I look into his eyes as if to say "I really love you, don't you believe me?". I try to think of how to put this. "I...I was with someone," and I look down; I can't bear to look at him. Here the tears come again.

     "W-what? Blaine..." he says, and it sounds like "please tell me it isn't true". But it is. I really wish it wasn't.

     I want to explain how Eli started it, that I didn't go to his house with those intentions. But Kurt walks away from me. "I...I love you," I yell after him hopefully. But he never does say it back. I fall to my knees on the cement. I cry in the pouring rain in the middle of New York, head in my hands. I wish I could go back and decide not to go to Eli's house...but I can't...

     I can't, I realize, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I knew it, I kept saying it, kept thinking it, but now I finally got it into my head that this is real. I didn't think it wasn't real, but I just now realized the weight of everything going on. This is all too real...

     I get up and walk over to the grass and just lay there, thinking, which I probably shouldn't be doing any more of. Just...I think it's dangerous to be left alone with my thoughts right now. But knowing that doesn't make my thoughts any less dangerous.

     Laying there on my side, I dial Rachel's phone number. "Rachel..." I say when she picks up. "D-did Kurt tell you?"

      "Yeah," she says, "I know what happened."

      "I'm so sorry," I sob, "C-can I still stay at your house? I just...I don't have anywhere else to stay..."

      "Why don't you go home?"

      "My parents are never home...I don't want to be alone tonight..." I say, sounding like a child.

      "Okay, Blaine...why don't you want to be alone?"

      "Frankly...I'm scared of being by myself, okay? Even though I never show it...it just bothers me every single day to come home and be in silence. At night I lie in darkness, fearing the worst...or maybe it's the loneliness I fear...or fear itself that I fear..." I wonder to myself, staring at the sky.

      "Whoa...Blaine...Um...You're scaring me," Rachel says. "Just come to our apartment and sleep here tonight."

      "Thank you so much," I say.

      Rachel says, "You can hail a cab, right?"

      "Yeah," I answer.

      "Okay. See you soon."

      "Yeah...Bye..."

      Rachel hangs up and I put the phone in my pocket. I sigh deeply and force myself to stand up. I walk passed the park to a busier street and wave a cab. When one pulls up by me, I give the driver Kurt's address and get in the car. When we get to the apartment, I get out and hand him some money.

      I get up to their apartment and stare at the door. I nervously knock, and Rachel opens the door. I just start crying, yet again, when I walk into the apartment. I say, "Thank you, Rachel...you have no reason to help me...so just thank you..."

     "No problem, Blaine...no matter how mad I am, you're my friend. And I know we all make mistakes." Rachel pats my shoulder. "The bedroom's this way," she says, leading me.

     When we get there, though, there are only two bedrooms, one bed in each. Finn and Rachel are in one, and one is for Kurt. I sigh. I walk back into the main and just lay on the hard floor. I sleep in the middle of the floor. It's not like I deserve any better.

***

     "Blaine?" I open my eyes and see Kurt standing over me. "You slept on the floor here?"

     "Mmhmm..." I answer, closing my eyes again.

     "Well...get up. You should probably be getting home soon."

     I sigh. He's right. "What time is it?" I ask as I get up slowly.

     He checks his watch and says, "It's noon."

     "Oh..." I don't want to go home to my empty house; I don't really want to see my parents, either, even if they're home. "Can't I stay here?" I ask hopefully.

     "Blaine...I'm sorry but I just need you to leave. I can't stand having you in my house after what you revealed to me yesterday."

     "But I...Can't I just explain?"

     "Blaine..." he says, and it's all he says.

     I sigh. "I understand...you can't trust me. I wouldn't trust me either."

     I get up and walk to the door. Right when I open the door, Kurt asks, "You're not going to eat something first?"

     I just shake my head and say, "I love you, Kurt," before leaving and closing the door. If I never speak to him again, I want those to be the last words I tell him. I really do love him. I always will.