Chapter Eleven

"Are you sure you want to come?" Kurt worried his lip between his teeth. It was the third time he had asked since he had picked Blaine up.

Blaine rolled his eyes good naturedly, "I am. Really. You're going to be there the entire time, I feel great, and... I don't know, it's really nice to be asked? It's like I'm almost normal."

"You are normal." Kurt responded automatically. He pulled his car into Rachel's drive. Mercedes and Tina were already here by the looks of it; the girls lived on the same street, and had both been planning to arrive in Mercedes' car.

Rachel had taken it upon herself to have a 'team-building' sleepover in the run up to Nationals, and had invited all the girls around her house. Kurt had automatically fallen into the same category in Rachel's mind, and then Santana had insisted that seeing as Blaine had recently outed himself to the group at their recent performance of Born This Way, he had to come too. Kurt hadn't liked the way she had eyed them both when she had issued that particular demand – the fact that the unholy trinity had agreed to come at all made him particularly suspicious – but Blaine had been really excited to be included, and had persuaded Kurt to let it go after much cajoling. His parents weren't letting him stay the night, but it was a step in a really positive direction for him.

Blaine was determined to be normal. He could do this. One evening surrounded by the New Directions girls without anything going wrong, or him acting like a freak, or his stupid Sensitivity going haywire. One evening.

In hindsight, Blaine could only bitterly marvel at how stupidly naïve and optimistic he had been. He should know better by now.

Everything had started off great. Blaine made sure to stick close to Kurt, and not to let his skin touch any of the girls' in case their emotions set him off. There were snacks and drink (of the non-alcoholic variety, much to Santana's disgust), and even some impromptu singing.

However, inevitably conversations of shallow topics were exhausted rather quickly, much to Santana's delight and Rachel's chagrin. This had resulted in everyone sitting in a circle, and Blaine's intense desire to be swallowed up by the carpet never to be seen again.

He wrapped his arms around his knees, drawing them close to his chest. He was sitting between Kurt and Tina, carefully placed perfectly in the centre between the two of them, not touching either. Kurt didn't look impressed at the sudden change in topic. He hadn't minded when they had been all watching Quinn as she skilfully made Rachel as uncomfortable as possible, but now the girls had moved onto a different subject.

First kisses.

"When I kissed Mike for the first time, it was so right, you know? Like with Artie, it was good, but there wasn't anything there." Tina smiled, her reminiscing emotions sparkling through Blaine, loosening the horrible knot that had formed within him. "I thought it was all a load of crap, that stuff about your first kiss clicking, about it being something amazing. But it just turned out I hadn't found the right guy."

"I don't believe in that soulmate myth, but I agree that there has to be that first connection. It's all about emotional compatibility." Quinn nodded sagely, before adding snidely, "How was your first kiss with Finn, Rachel?"

Rachel blushed deeply, but returned primly, "I believe that kind of thing is private, Quinn, thank you."

"Well I think it's all rubbish." Mercedes shook her head. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for that connection. But I'm not gonna turn down a boy just 'cause he don't make my Sensitivity turn on some light bulb in my head."

"Says the girl who's single." Santana smirked. "What about you boys? No first kiss stories to share?"

Blaine's breath caught in his throat, his muscles tensing. Don't speak, don't speak. The intense desire to run flooded his body, and all this talk of first kisses, and connections and sparks... it wasn't something he wanted to think about right now. It wasn't something he wanted to revisit, not in front of all these people.

He wanted to look to the future, and okay, maybe kisses and Kurt might feature heavily in those dreams, but that wasn't what he was thinking of right now.

Kurt scowled darkly, "Yeah, sure Santana, let's look at my love life shall we? We all know that I've never kissed anyone." The other boy was actually angry, Blaine could tell.

"Seriously? You're telling me that you two haven't got it on yet?" Brittany blinked at both of them matter-of-factly, her flighty emotions skittering like ribbons of light against Blaine's skin."What have you been doing?"

"What about you, Blaine? You got virgin lips too? Or have you got some sort of reputation pre-McKinley that you're keeping from us?" Santana persisted, her curiosity pressing down on him, suffocating, cloying, and full of a purpose Blaine couldn't identify.

The instinct in Blaine snapped, and he was on his feet before he could even blink. He couldn't breathe; the air in the room was thick, burning his throat and stinging at his eyes. He managed to mutter something about his parents coming to pick him up soon to Rachel, before dashing up the stairs from the basement.

He stumbled out into the cool night air, swaying slightly as he managed to bring himself to a halt on the porch. Belatedly, he realised that he was standing outside the Berry household in nothing thicker than a cardigan, and was missing his shoes.

The air wasn't burning anymore, but his eyes were still stinging, his vision blurred.

A hand caught his arm, and Blaine flinched violently back, wrenching his arm away as he staggered backwards, eyes wild.

Kurt was standing there, staring at him with a look that was a horrible mixture of concern and hurt at Blaine's reaction.

Freak.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Kurt asked carefully.

Blaine shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. His throat was too tight, and it just wasn't fair because stupid gossiping about stupid first kisses shouldn't do this to him! He was over it!

"I know Santana can be a bit of a bitch, but I don't think she meant to upset you." Kurt's voice was soothing against Blaine's raw nerves. The other boy cocked his head slightly, quirking a shy smile. "I think she's got too much time on her hands, so keeps trying to meddle in other people's love lives a little too much. Blaine... look, I haven't ever kissed anyone either. It's not like there are that many boys in Ohio who fit the requirements, and on top of that there's my ES level. But it's something I accepted a long time ago, and I know there's nothing to be ashamed of. So please don't hide from me."

"Amy Fleming." Blaine surprised himself with his words, but they had just spilled out unbidden.

"I'm sorry?" Kurt asked, confused.

"I have kissed someone before. Amy Fleming. She was my best friend for ten years, we were neighbours, we went to school together, and when we were fourteen, she kissed me." Blaine's voice sounded hollow to his ears, and maybe that was appropriate, because that was precisely how he felt. It was as if all emotion had been sucked from him, leaving behind only an empty shell of a boy.

"Really?" Kurt's voice was cautious, wary, as if he wasn't sure how to equate the simplicity of Blaine's words with the other boy's behaviour. "A girl? Is... is that how you realised you were gay?"

Blaine shook his head. This was a bad idea, opening old wounds. He didn't want Kurt to know, he didn't want to tell him. He wanted to go home.

But in the back of his mind, a little voice crept, whispering conviction, because if Blaine was honest with himself, then he knew for a fact that he desperately wanted to kiss Kurt, preferably sooner rather than later. Except he couldn't. Not yet. Not with this secret hanging over him. Kurt had to know, because then he could decide if he wanted to kiss Blaine in return.

Kurt shivered, "Do you want to go back inside? If I'm cold, your feet must be freezing off! We don't have to go back downstairs, we can stay up here and talk, if you like."

Kurt was so patient, so kind, so warming... Blaine shouldn't tell him. But he should. "Can we sit in your car?" If he was going to do this, then he wasn't going to let anyone overhear. Besides, this way he wouldn't have to look at Kurt while he spoke.

"I... sure, of course Blaine, whatever you want." Kurt was clearly worried. Blaine felt guilty. That was all he ever seemed to be doing; worrying Kurt.

Kurt fished his keys out of his pocket, closing the Berry's front door behind him as he led the way back to his car. Detachedly, Blaine was grateful there wasn't any gravel. Settling in the car, Kurt turned the heating on low to make them a little warmer, before twisting onto his side to lean his shoulder against the back of the driver's seat, drawing his legs up beneath him.

Blaine in contrast kept his body stiff, hands folded neatly in his lap, a little island all of his own. He stared at a random spot on the dash, determined to just get it all out in the open as quickly as possible without revisiting any of the old memories.

It was only words. A story. A nightmare fable that happened to a nameless boy.

"I came out when I was thirteen to my family, but it was a while before I had the courage to tell anyone else. I was scared, I guess. But Amy was my best friend, we told each other everything. She... she even knew my ES level. Our families sat her down and explained what it meant. So, so I told her."

Blaine's stomach twisted. He remembered being so nervous. Telling his family had been one thing; sure he had been terrified of rejection from them, but there was something extra scary about telling your friends. Because family, you don't have a choice over, but friends, they always say friends are the family you choose. Amy had been his family.

"She... I don't think she really understood. She didn't talk to me for days... and when she did, she was... it's hard to describe, but I could feel it. She was empty to me. Things got better as the weeks went on, but sometimes things just felt off. And then, then my school advertised a dance. A Sadie Hawkins dance, you know it?"

"Girls ask the boys." Kurt filled in quietly, his voice unreadable.

"Right. By that time, the whole school knew I was gay. I hadn't wanted to hide myself, even when Amy's initial reaction had been less than great. But then she asked me to go with her. As friends. She gave this big speech, apologising for her reaction, saying how she hadn't seen it coming, and had needed some time to adjust." Blaine smiled hollowly. "I remember being so happy, and of course I agreed."

Her dress had been black, he remembered that, with a yellow silk flower twisted up into her hair. He could remember her face, every detail. Her smile, her laugh...

Her lips, her hands, her attraction, her scream...

"We had a great time, and then near the end of the evening, we went outside. There were a few other kids there too, waiting for rides or just making out where teachers wouldn't see. And then... and then she started saying all these weird things..." Blaine's voice choked, and his hands twisted. Until suddenly Kurt's hand was there too, his warm fingers entwining with Blaine's. Calm. Breathe.

"Blaine..." Kurt didn't have more to say than that. Maybe he didn't know how to continue.

Blaine wasn't even sure he did, but somehow he managed to get the words to form. "Did you know there's a cure for being gay?" His question came out more biting than he intended. "It's all about emotional manipulation, about finding the 'afflicted' the right person."

"You're just confused, Blaine, I know you, this isn't you. I promise, I can help you. Please let me help you... With an ES level as high as yours, there's a real chance for you!"

"That's insane." Kurt wasn't able to hold his tongue at that. The very idea that being gay was something that needed to be 'cured' was repulsive enough, let alone people using the empathic sense to manipulate such a thing.

"Amy didn't think so. She kissed me to try and prove it."

Hands, lips, skin, heat. It crawled over Blaine's skin as if it had been yesterday. Her lips pressed to his, her tongue was forcing its way into in his mouth, and Blaine's senses completely blurred. What Amy felt, he felt, and what she made him feel, so she sensed back in turn. Building and building and building to a crescendo, both of them locked in a feedback loop of uncontrollable emotions and rising lust.

"And I kissed back. I remember that much. I couldn't help it. And what's worse, is I remember liking it. Except, I didn't, it was her. It was all her, all her desires, all her emotions, and I was just... lost. Gone. I don't remember anything more than that." Blaine shrugged. "They told me later that Cooper pulled us apart. He had come home for the weekend and insisted on chaperoning the dance. Apparently as soon as we broke contact, I just started screaming. That was my first empathic episode. They had to put me in a medically induced coma for two weeks until my brain chemistry stabilised..."

"Oh my god, Blaine..." Kurt's voice was choked, and Blaine finally risked a glance. The other boy was still beautiful, even with tears running down his cheeks, his pale skin red and blotchy. "I had no idea... I mean, I guessed something must have happened for you to start homeschooling but I just figured... I don't know... nothing like that..."

"I wanted you to know." Blaine murmured softly. He felt oddly liberated, telling Kurt everything. His friend nodded, swallowing harshly, and Blaine's phone buzzed in his pocket. "My dad's going to be here soon... I should get my shoes... Thanks... thanks for listening..."

"It wasn't real." Kurt blurted out suddenly, just as Blaine twisted to get the door handle. He rushed to clarify, his voice fierce. "I mean, yes, it was real and horrible and should never have happened to you... especially you. But it shouldn't count. Not as your first kiss. You shouldn't let it count. Like you said, it wasn't you."

Blaine's throat tightened, Kurt's words sitting warm in his chest. The air in the car seemed to freeze for one breath of a moment, before it shattered, and Blaine shrugged helplessly. "I'd like to think that's true."

He got out of the car, leaving Kurt behind.

TBC