Chapter 7 : My Dilemma

"Here's my dilemma. One half of me wants you and the other half wants to forget. My, my, my dilemma. From the moment I met you and I just can't get you out of my head. And I tell myself to run from you but I found myself attracted to my dilemma." - My Dilemma : Selena Gomez & the Scene

—

The road in front of me was a complete white sheet of snow. Tears rolled down my face as I drove farther away from the Coffee shop. My clothes soaked from top to bottom from falling into the snow bank and not moving. My poor clothes! I shivered and turned the heat up as high as it could go. My hands were clammy as the gripped the steering wheel tightly. My knuckles were ghostly white. I felt hot and gross at what I just I did. I was furious. Furious at myself. HE KISSED ME? Someone actually LIKED ME? LIKED ME ENOUGH TO KISS ME! And what did I do? I ran. I ran away! I slammed my hand against the steering wheel a few times before I pulled up to a red light. I wiped tear away that was on my cheek. Why do I ruin everything? E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. What is wrong with me? Cars slowly drove across my path. Snow fell quickly and heavily in front of me. I breathed in deep trying to clear my mind. I turned the radio on. Maybe this will help, hopefully.

"Here I am again. Talking to myself." The song rang though the speakers of my car. "Sitting at a red light, both hands on the wheel." I raised an eyebrow at what theses lyrics said. "How am I supposed to feel? So much runnin' through my mind…"

Okay, that's it. It's totally narrating my life right now, I thought. I placed my hand on the tuner nob and changed the station.

"Like A Roller Coaster Ride, Holding On White Knuckles Like. Whoa, Whoa!" The next station blared at me.

"Oh, yeah. I don't think so." I spoke to myself and turned the radio station again. The light turned green and I placed my foot on the gas and went on my way. Almost home. A song just began on the radio.

"Your name's number one on my list. You pushed me away, then begged for a kiss. All I wanna know, is will you love me tomorrow?" As theses lyrics played through my head. I replayed tonight's events in my head.

The laughter, the joy, of running away from flying snowballs. Challenging Blaine to try and hit me again with one. Having his arms wrap around me in a comforting, calming, and soothing way, lifting me off the ground in a caring, sort of loving, laughable approach. Then Blaine losing his balance, causing us to fall into the snow bank. A scene from a movie. The way his body felt against mine. The way he fit perfect with me, against me. His scent was intoxicating making me swoon over him. His faced inching closer to mine as he laid on top of me. The way his breath felt on my face. His words haunt me. "You know," pause, "I meant what I said." His words filling my ears. My lucid answer, "What-" His eyes filled with lust as they burrowed into mine. "The song," he breathed, his exhale hitting my face hard. Lust leaving his eyes and then becoming uneasy to read. "It's true. I was enchanted to meet you." The way his lips felt against me. Soft and right. Carefully trying not to move to fast into this. They belonged on mine. Then I freaked and shoved him off me. Blaine's face right at that moment, will never leave my head. I ruined everything.

I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused back on the road. Trying to make it back in one piece, not to die from the snow fallings. Blaine's face stayed in my mind. Burning in it. I felt tears build up at the rims of my eyes. But I swallowed them away as I spotted my phone lit up in the corner of my eye. I quickly glanced at it trying not to get distracted from the road. Dad, my phone said. I wiped away an escaped tear and hit accept.

"Hello? Dad?" I spoke into the speaker. My voice drained.

"Kurt! You better be on your way home, now! The snow is falling hard! And you haven't left yet, stay till it calms down! You shouldn't be out driving." His voice hard and worried.

"I'm almost home dad. About 5 minutes." I answered looking at the road then turned a corner.

"Okay," his voice was calmer now. "Drive safe. I'll see you soon. Love you, son."

"Love you too, Dad." The numbers on my phone blinked telling me that the call was ended. I focus my full attention back on to the road, trying to not have Blaine enter my brain again.

"You push me; I don't have the strength to..." The radio began a new song. "Resist or control you. Take me down, take me down." I groaned at the song being played. "You hurt me, but do I deserve this?" What. The. Fuck. Is with radio today? "You make me so nervous. Calm me down, calm me down."

A car pulled out in front of me fast and dangerously. I felt all the air in my body leave me and the blood leave my head as I slammed down on the breaks. My car slid in the snow but came to a full stop just as I was about to hit the other car. The car kept a steady pace as it drove away from my shocked self.

"What the fuck? Are they crazy!" I cried out to myself. Today is not my day. Almost home. Almost home. I repeated to myself. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse…

"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on. You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong," I gripped the steering wheel tight again. It would... "I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down." Life hates me, I swear. The world hates me. "Before you met me, I was a wreck, but things were kinda heavy." Blaine's face dug its way back into my mind. "You brought me to life, now every February; you'll be my valentine, valentine." Psh. Valentine's Day. Ew. Just another way for the Hallmark stores to get money.

"Let's go all the way tonight. No regrets, just love. We can dance until we die. You and I.
We'll be young forever!" I pulled in to my drive way. "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream." Teenage Dream? Ha. Yeah, bullshit. I just ruined my teenage dream. I hit the radio button to turn it off, opened my car door, got out of the car, and slammed the door shut.

When I got inside my house, I shook off the snow that fallen on me from walking from my car to the door. The house stood quiet. I began walking to my room.

"Hey Kurt! You okay from the drive home?" my dad called at me as I walked past the TV room. My mind recalled the jackass who pulled in front of me causing me to slam down on my breaks.

"Fine," I mumbled and gave a flick of my wrist in a slight wave and ran to my room and slammed the door shut. I body slammed on to my bed and screamed into my pillow.

I ruined everything! I fell head over heels for this kid, he's kisses me and shove him to the ground! WHO DOES THAT!

I don't know how long I laid there face first into my pillow thinking about how stupid I am. A knock at the door broke my train of thought.

"Sweetheart?" I heard Carole's come from the other side of the door. I felt better knowing it wasn't my dad. "May I come in?" I muffled an okay into my pillow. I heard the door open and then close with a slight click. I stayed silent as felt the side of my bed sink in. I felt her hand comfortable rub my back. "How was your night with Blaine?" his name stung as soon as it left her lips. I sat up and faced her. Her faced shocked as she examined my face. I hadn't got the chance to look at my appearance but with my guess my hair is a mess and my eyes are red and swollen. I felt hot tears begin to resurface in my eyes.

"I…I...I ruined…ev...ery...thing." I sobbed. I collapsed into her arms. She pulled my into a tight comforting hug.

"Aw, sweetie." She began. "What happened? I doubt you ruined anything." She rubbed my back in a soothing way trying to make me feel better but all it did was make me feel worse.

"He…" I choked on a sob. "He kissed me and I pushed him away and ran." I gripped her shirt. "I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid, Kurt." She calmly responded. "It's okay. Everything will work out. I promise."

"What if-" I breathed sharply. "What if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm a loser? What if he never wants to talk to me again?" Carole sighed and squeezed me tighter.

"If he likes you enough to kiss you, then he won't hate you, or think you're a loser. He'll talk to you. I promise, Kurt. I promise." We didn't say anything after that. Carole stayed comforting me, rubbing my back, shushing me, humming a quite tune. Within a few minutes I cried myself to sleep in her arms.

I woke up a few hours later tucked into bed. Carole must have put me to bed after I cried myself to sleep on her. I glanced over to my clock and read 3:37 am. I grabbed my phone and saw there was one unread message.

From Blaine…

My thumb hovered over the read button. Scarred. Nervous. Afraid of what it would say. I hit read anyway. It opened and looked away.

Come on, Kurt. You can do this. What's the worst it could say? I looked at my phone and read:

Dear Kurt,

You don't know how sorry I am. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have crossed the line of coming to your personal space. I'm sorry, this is all my fault.

I'm really really sorry. Talk to you soon.

Blaine

My heart sank into my stomach. He blames himself? The phone fell from my hand. I felt tears fill my eyes again. Crying for the 10 millionth time today. I couldn't bring myself to write him back.

I pushed him to the ground and he blames himself? I'm terrible.

I ruined everything.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dear Kurt,

You haven't written back to any of my text messages. You don't know how bad I feel for what I did. I wish I knew if we are still friends. I really hope I didn't ruin anything. I probably did. I wish I could have controlled myself. I was doing so well, but there you were so close to me. I just could take it anymore.

God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I ruined this. I really wish you would talk to me. I'm just going to wait a little longer to try and text you again. I don't how much longer though I can wait. I'm going to come off obsessed if you don't write me back anytime soon.

I'm not going to give up on you, Kurt.

When I was younger, when I did something bad, my mother would make write down 50 times how I wouldn't do it again or how it was wrong. Like in Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix when Umbridge made Harry write "I must not tell lies." Except, it didn't get engrave on the back of my hand. Do you even like Harry Potter?

Anyway, I know I've done something wrong with you, to make you not talk to me. So here's my punishment. (My mother would be so proud.)

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

Is that 50? I don't even know. But is doesn't matter, you deserve more than 50. You mean much then that.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

Shoot, class is over in 2 minutes and I haven't paid any attention. Ugh, school, hate it…

Blaine

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Dear Kurt,

You haven't texted me back.

I miss you. Is that weird to say?

I miss you. I miss talking to you every day. I miss your face appearing on my screen and your voice. I miss you texts messages that I uses to get every few minutes. I miss how I would be distracted in class because my phone would vibrate in my pocket and I knew it was you and how I NEEDED to respond a.s.a.p. Now I just can't focus in class because my mind imprinted the look on your face after I kissed you. Hurt. Shocked. Confused. Distracted. Your face, that face will never leave my mind. It's permanently there.

Maybe I was right all along. Maybe you came to my shows just so you didn't hurt my feelings and you're using this kiss as an excuse to get away from me. But you liked my song! Well, you could have been lying. I mean why would someone as gorgeous as you want to be with someone like me? I'm nothing. Just a short hobbit with crazy dark curly hair, that can only be tamed by an obsessive amount of gel, who can play a wide variety of instruments. I'm nothing special. I'm useless.

Why would I even think that it was possible for me to get you? It's not possible.

Because I'm nothing special.

Wes and David know something's wrong with me. They know that something went down on Friday (but they just don't know exactly what happened). It's probably the fact that when I got back to my dorm room Friday they were outside ready to attack me questions of what happen. But I guess when I appeared practically in tears they left me alone. Until like Sunday, that's when they started to ask questions. But I couldn't tell them. Something made me keep my mouth shut. Something just made me keep it inside. To hold it in me. I'm falling apart at the seams. I need to talk to someone. But not Wes and David, they wouldn't understand.

I need to talk to you.

I thought you felt the same way. You acted like you did. I must have just read into us too much. I'm so sorry, that I kissed you. I guess I just wanted you to feel the same way. I just couldn't control myself being that close to you. The way you made me feel. The way my stomach screamed from being with you.

I can't lose you as a friend. I can't lose you at all. I need you.

I need you to text me back. I need to explain to talk to you. I need you to understand.

Please, Kurt! Please. I'm begging you.

Please.

Blaine

PS I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Kurt,

You still haven't messaged me.

I wrote you another song for you, Kurt. I want you to hear it. But I don't know how I'm going to play it for you.

I going to text you and ask you to come to my show tomorrow. I'll be performing it.

If you don't show up, then I'll get the picture. I'll understand that you don't want to be near me, or want to talk to me. I'll give up on you.

I'll understand. That I ruined everything. But that's the consequence I get for not being able to control myself. It's my fault.

God, I hope you show up. I don't want to give up on you. It would be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Please Kurt, please.

Blaine

PS I, Blaine Anderson, will not have intimate relations with Kurt Hummel without the permission of his party.