"I feel like a loser. I feel like I've lost. I feel like I'm not so sure if I feel anything at all, but believe me, I'm not helpless I just need someone to love."
– Human : Darren Criss

Sunday, February 5, 2012

"Oh!" I exclaimed while looking down at my phone, half way through a text to Mercedes. Blaine started calling. "Dad, as fascinating as it is, listening to you talk about football, I have to take this call. It's important." I said pointing to my phone. His face turned blank "I'm sorry Dad. Maybe you could tell Finn this story." With that said he waved his hand for me to go. I speed walked out of the kitchen and to my room. Excited to talk to Blaine!

Phew. I thought as soon as I walked through my bedroom door. Glad I got out of that! I hit accept and brought the phone to my ear.

"Blaine!" I couldn't contain my excitement. Something about talking to him makes me hyper, makes my heart flutter; make me want to scream like a little girl. Silence sat between us.

"Uh. Hi- uh...Kurt." Blaine stuttered. Well this was strange, this doesn't make any sense. What could possibly be wrong? MAYBE HE CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT BEING WITH ME? Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Ohmygod.

"Hey, Blainers, what's up? Are you okay?" Was that pushing it too much? I mean I don't want him to think I need to know all his business or something. I'm not that type of person. I don't but into people's business. Okay maybe sometimes I do. But I try not to. Anyway I just hope he doesn't see me like that.

Wait.

Did I just call him Blainers?

"Oh yeah, Me? I'm perfectly- uh- fine." He paused. "Absolutely nothing- uh- wrong?" he so did not sound fine. I felt my heart ache. He is lying to me. I just know it. But I'm nothing going to push him. I'll ignore it. I guess, even though it hurts.

"Oh." I sighed. I hope that didn't sounds like I think it sounded. I don't want him to know he hurt me. Trying to make myself sound happier I quickly said, "Thanks for calling; I don't know how much longer I could have handled my father talking to me about football. I was practically bored to death!" I added a fake laugh. He chuckled which made my heart race. Oh, he needs to stop.

"Well your welcome, we can't have you dying now, can we?" he flirted.

I laughed, "No, that'd be tragic!"

Blaine laughed, "Yeah, absolutely tragic." His voice was soft and caring. I smiled. There was a nice silence between us. My mind raced with questions I wanted to ask him. But I decided only one was most appropriate.

"So what'd you call for?" I asked hoping it was something good. A good reason. A great reason. No. a FANTASTIC reason would be nice. A sat down on my bed and waited for an answer.

"Oh yeah, that." Blaine said sounded distracted. This suspense was killing me.

"Are- Are you sure you're okay, Blaine?" I was worried now.

"Well, I called to ask you…" his voice traveled a little. "I called to ask you if you would, I don't know, maybe, possiblygoonadatewithme?" his words were muffled and rushed.

"I'm sorry. What'd you say?" I asked my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I was wondering," he took a deep breath. "If you would like to go on a date with me?"

I felt my heart stop and my eyes jumped out of their sockets in shock. Did he just ask me what I think he just did? Oh. My. God. This isn't happening. This isn't real! Is this a dream? I swear if this is a dream I will scream and cry! I pinched my arm and flinched.

Yep, this is real, defiantly not dreaming.

"I mean. You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thou-"

"Of course I'll go on a date with you!" I screamed. Shit. I didn't mean to scream. Clearing my throat I said, "Of course, Blaine. I'd love that." Blaine was silent. I waited for a response.

"Really?" he sounded so shocked.

"Of course why wouldn't i?" I questioned.

"Oh, um... I don't know. Anyway, I was thinking Thursday. I remember how you told me you had Friday off of school. If that's not okay we can change the date."

"No. no, Thursday is great!" I quickly said. Oh my god, Thursday is so close! How am I ever going to pick out an outfit? "So may I ask what we are doing?" I need to know to pick out and outfit.

"Oh, well, I can't tell you. Surprise!" Blaine laughed, like it was some kind of inside thing that only he would get. Correction, he was the only one who got it. "It's going to be fun! Oh, trust." Oh, how I hate surprises. I guess I am just going to have to trust him.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Dear Kurt,

I can't believe this is real or that this is really happening. Tonight is the night. I can't believe this is happening. Tonight I will be picking you up and will be taking you out. I know the perfect place. Well, I think it will be amazing! I hope you will too. I'm not telling you right now in this letter because I don't want to jinx it. I'm so excited!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I can't believe you said yes. Kurt, god, I'm so excited that you agreed. Happy. Delighted. I was so nervous when I asked you, but you seemed so enthusiastic when I asked you

Oh my god, it's getting late! I don't want to be late picking you up on the first date. How would that look? Pretty bad I think.

Oh Kurt, I don't know what to wear. You always dress so nice and classy. I love what you wear it reflects your amazing personality.

I don't dress nearly as good as you. Do you have standards? Do you even care what I wear? Ugh, of course you do! The way you dress you probably care a lot about what I wear. I hope you don't toss me to the side because of my clothes!

Actually, you don't see like that type of person. You are caring, lovely and amazing. So I have nothing to worry about, right?

Black or blue? NO! Red?

What color shirt should I wear?

Pink?

Maybe I should just wear my blazer… it's the only thing I know well enough. And everyone loves a blazer right?

My blazer…

The people in the audience at Warbler performances think their sexy.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not going to wear my blazer, even though I look absolutely stunning in it. That would just look tacky and make me seem sloppy and that I don't care about our first date.

OMG!

Date. This word. I still can't believe I'm saying that word and your name in the same sentence.

Eeepp.

Oh god.

Wes and David just walked in to my dorm. I'm writing to you and they are in the room. Not good.

Oh no, they just asked to me to hang out tonight. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "YOU DIDN'T TELL YOUR BEST FRIENDS THAT YOU ARE GOING OUT ON A DATE TONIGHT!" Well you see I was going to but I knew they were going to freak out and try and help plan, so I decided against it and that I would tell them after it happened. You know? Well I guess I better tell them now.

HOLY SHIT! I just told them and Wes just through my math book out the window. (Good thing my room is on the first floor.) He's mad I didn't tell him. Oh god, this isn't good.

Oh no, David id going through my closet trying to find me something to wear… knowing him he will pick out something totally trashy.

I got to go.

I have to make sure none of my other school supplies make a trip to the snow bank outside my window.

AHHHHHH! David is throwing all my clothes on the floor outside my closet!

Ldfkhglkhdfdlkghdfkl

Blaine

Saying that I was nervous would be a lie. I'm not nervous. Not one bit of me is nervous. I'm not nervous about my first date with Blaine tonight. I'm not nervous at all actually.

But I'll tell you what i am.

I am scared. I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I honestly don't know what to think. I'm going insane.

Has the color of my couch always been that ugly? Or is the fact that I've been starring at it for the past 10 minutes while I stood dead still looking out the window. And these curtains! Whoever bought these must be color blind! They do not match anything in the room.

I've been in this position waiting for Blaine to arrive since 6:30 pm. He's not supposed to be here till 7:00.

6:55 pm the clock read.

Blaine should be here soon. Maybe I should move away from the window. Trying to take a step, I froze seeing light pull into the driveway.

No. no. Blaine is here! Blaine is early! I'm not ready. I'm not ready! I am so not ready!

I've been trying to pick out an outfit since I got home from school. Finally deciding on an outfit at 5:45. Then I finished getting ready at 6:30 which then lead me being 30 minutes early and hopelessly standing in front of my window for the past 25 minutes. But now that Blaine is actually here! I don't feel ready. I don't feel good enough.

Running to my room I yelled through the house, "DAD…" I paused. No, bad idea. "Carole! Answer the door! I'll be down in a second." I heard a few dishes bang together and little squeal of excitement. She knew exactly who it would be at the door.

Carole knew I had my first date with Blaine tonight. I told her everything that had happened between us. She's truly became one of my closest friends since she and my dad got married. She was so happy when I told her how Blaine asked me on a date the other night. She was happy that Blaine and I finally "came to our senses to finally go out on a date", when that's what she said. I guess it's just the way I talk about Blaine, that she's known that I wanted this to happen. Or maybe it's just her Motherly senses. She's excited for this. For us. She's also excited to finally meet this mysterious Blaine.

As I reached the top of the stairs the doorbell rang. Slowly sitting down on the top step I listened closely. I heard Carole shuffling to the door. The door unlocked and I heard it creak open.

"Hello," Blaine's voice was calm and soothing. It could make anyone's heart melt, like it just did to mine. "I'm Blaine and I'm here to pick up the lovely Kurt Hummel up for our date." He emphasized on the word 'date'. I could practically hear the smile on his face. "You must be Carole." Blaine paused. "Kurt's beautiful sister, right?" Oh, he so winked when he said that.

Carole laughed. "Yes, I'm Carole, Kurt's step mom. It's nice to finally meet you Blaine. I've heard so much about you."

"Good things I do hope." Blaine's voice filled with worry.

"Of course, sweetheart! Only the best!" Carole exclaimed. "Blaine, do come it." The door then clicked shut.

"Dude," I jumped the sudden voice from behind me. "What are you doing sitting on the stairs?" I jumped up and stood face to face with Finn. Well sort of, as face to face as we could get, considering how freakishly tall he is. T-rex worthy.

"Nothing. No reason." I stammered.

"Who was at the door Carole?" I heard my dad ask from somewhere downstairs.

Oh god, I better hurry before Blaine gets 'talked' to by my father. Totally embarrassing.

I scurried away from Finn; his face was scrunched in confusion, as always.

Running to my room I went straight to the mirror. Ugh, why do I look so bad today? My reflection starred back at me. My self-esteem has gone way down lately, especially from today's events. I tired pushing away the events from earlier today since I had gotten home but the seemed to ease back into my mind no matter what. I saw tears began to fill my eyes in my reflection. Karofsky and Azimio's word filled my ears again.

Today's school day was so long. I skipped to my car excited for later tonight's events. I can't believe Blaine actually asked me out on a date! I felt like I was flying. Soaring high about the clouds. Life is good. Life is great. Blaine was the only thing on my mind all day. I couldn't focus to save my life. Instead of doing classwork I spent the time trying to pick out and outfit for tonight. It was extremely hard considering I don't even know what Blaine has planned.

I was then pushed into a car side mirror. The mirror stabbed me in my side. Pain raced through me.

"Looking extra fabulous today, are we Fairy?" Karofsky's voice filled my ears. Why? When does this day have to be ruined? The cold pavement below me didn't help with the pain from my side.

"Kind of… glowing," Azimio joked.

"Did someone finally get laid?" Karofsky started. "Finally found someone as discussing and hideous as you? Or was it a quick fuck and leave? Cause he couldn't handle your nasty ugliness either." Azimio laughed and high fived Karofsky. "The way you spread your fairy dust around the school, it wouldn't surprise me if they did that! I wish I could get you out of my sight like that. I can't stand you being around school gaying everything."

I don't really remember anything after that. When they left, I stayed there sitting on the cold ground knees pulled to my chest and tears rolling down my face. I've never felt so violated and hurt. If only there was someone anyone there to stop there harsh words from leaving their filthy mouths.

I don't know how much more I can handle.

When I got home I spent the first 2 hours crying my eyes out on my bed hugging a pillow. Blaine was far away out of my mind. Finally calming down around 4 I went through every single piece of clothing I owned that was in my closet. Confidence shot, 6 feet under the ground. Nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed perfect.

When you feel so low you feel nothing at all right?

I starred at my outfit in the mirror. The light blue dress shirt I wore under a dark gray vest made my face look really pale. Not it's normal porcelain color. Pale and washed out. I pressed to fingers on my side instantly wincing in pain. I sighed in disappointment of my entire. A tear escaped from my left eye.

"Kurt! Blaine is here!" I heard my dad yell from the bottom of the stairs.

Oh yeah, Blaine. I felt my heart flutter a bit

"Coming!" I whipped the tear from my cheek. Looking over myself in the mirror again I sighed. As good as it's going to get.

I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Blaine's back was to me. Carole looked passed Blaine and smiled at me. Blaine turned around to face me. His smile bright and his eyes were wide as he looked me over.

"Wow Kurt, you look amazing, as always of course." He said breathless. I smiled at his comment, if only I felt that way. He handed me a single rose, then rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I figured that a bouquet of rose would be really cheesy so I got you just one. I hope that's okay." My heart fluttered at his gesture. I smelled the rose. Beautiful.

"It's amazing, Blaine." I said with heart filled eyes.

The car ride was quiet and calming. Finally fully cleared my head of today's earlier events. Blaine and I had small talk within the short car ride. When we pulled into the parking lot of the Lima Mall, I suddenly became confused.

"Uh, why are we at the Lima Mall?" I asked looking away from the mall to the Blaine. Blaine's face seemed amused. I was completely confused.

"Do you not like the mall, Kurt?" Blaine chuckled killing the engine. He obviously knew the answer to that one. He opened the door and ran over to my side. Before I could open my door, he did for me.

"Always the gentleman, huh." I mocked. He flashed me a smile.

"I try." He winked. Oh flirt.

When we made it to the entrance of the mall, he rushed before me and opened the door. Then motioned his hand for me to go through the door. I laughed. He's such a goober.

"You're a loser." I said walking in. He placed a hand on his chest and pretended to be hurt.

"I am hurt, by your words." He began walking away from me. I chuckled to myself and ran over to him. I nudge my shoulder into his. He looked at me and smiled. He found my hand with his and laced them together. I froze and panic washed over me, but then quickly subsided. Blaine began to walk and I followed. Our hands still laced together. With every step I became more confident. Being next to Blaine began to rebuild my confidence, my sanity. I began to feel invincible. We passed many stores. And people who glared at us. I could read their hateful comments that ran through their heads on their face. But I didn't let that bring me down. I didn't let anything bring me down. I was with Blaine. Someone who made me feel better about myself with just his presence. I walked with my head held high for a little longer. Before I was walking to much that I didn't realize that Blaine had stopped. I passed him out and didn't notice till I felt our hands tug apart a little. I turned and looked at him. His eyes were focused on the store in front of him. A smirked played on his face. I turned to see what he was gaping at. The store was bright and colorful. Also, filled with children. Looking up at the sign it read, Build-A-Bear Workshop. I was confused. Oh, so confused.

"Blaine," I looked at him. "Is there a reason you stopped outside Build a Bear Workshop?" Blaine's eyes found mine and smiled mysteriously.

"We," he watched my face intensely, waiting for my response. "Are going to have fun on our date?" I raised my eyebrow. And mouthed the word, what? He pulled me in to the store to the Pick Me section. The first step in building your bear, pick the stuffed animal skin. Children about 8 surrounded us.

"Alright Kurt," I listened to Blaine as I looked over the different stuffed animal skins. "Pick out your animal. Anyone. Doesn't matter." I stared at him. Was he for real? Like seriously. He's joking right.

"Are you for real?" I laughed. His face went blank.

"Of course I'm for real. Now… go pick out your animal!" his face had serious written all over it.

I walked over the bins of animals. Bears. Cats. Dogs. Hello Kitty. I've never been to Build a Bear. This is so weird. Like first date? Blaine what are you thinking? As bothered as I should be by this, I'm not. It's actually kind of cute. I looked over all the animals before I finally decided on a dog. The dog brand name was Brown Sugar Puppy; it was a tan-ish color with a white spot on his face.

"Got one?" Blaine said coming up behind me. "Aw, a puppy cute! OKAY! Now to the Hear Me section!" Blaine began skipping over to it the Hear Me stand. I laughed at him and walked over. I began to reach for one but Blaine stopped me. "I know this is your first time here." I was about to ask him how. "I just know. You look lost. Anyway, I premade a sound for you to put in. But! You can't listen to it till later." He held the cartridge in his hand. "STUFF ME TIME! You're going to like this." He said and wiggled his pointy eyebrows at me.

"I can help you over here!" A lady in her in her mid-50s called to us. Blaine grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the big yellow machines. The stuffing for the animals was getting tossed around inside.

"First time here, sweethearts. What are your names?" Her eyes glanced at our hands that were laced together. I saw a slight smile on her face. I handed her the dog.

"I've been here before, but he hasn't. I decided I would bring him here on our first date. I thought it'd be romantic. I'm Blaine and this is Kurt." He said sounding 5, nudging me.

"You're the first person I heard of doing this, so I'd say its romantic." The old lady said winking at me. She fixed the dog on the nozzle and began to fill the dog with stuffing. Before it was completely filled she grabbed the sound cartridge from Blaine and placed it inside, then began to finish filling it. When it was done being filled, she looked up at us. "So both of you grab a heart from the bin." The bin next to her was filled with tiny little hearts. I grabbed one then Blaine did. "Okay, now do what I say." She began, Blaine chuckled a little. "Rub the heart in between your hands, to warm their heart." Okay, easy childish stuff. I rubbed my hands together. "Rub the heart to your head, so your dog is smart like you." Wait. What did she just say to do? I looked at Blaine. He so planned this. He followed her instructions and was rubbing it on his head. He looked at me encouragingly. Awkwardly, I held the heart to my head and rubbed it. "Now, rub it on your ears so it's a good listener." Oh my god, why did I agree with this date? Oh yeah, I like Blaine. I did as I was told. Going through a series of other random weird things, and Blaine making me laugh, we came to the last step. "Now, hold to the heart to your heart, so it will get some love. Now hop on one foot three times and spin around. Make a wish and kiss the heart." I shook my head. This is beyond crazy town. I hopped three times and spun. I wish that me and Blaine last. As I kissed the heart I felt a pair of lips on my cheek. Turning I saw Blaine pull away from my face. Heat filled my face and my butterflies entered my stomach.

"Oops," he said his eyes filled with love, "I missed the heart." Blaine placed his heart inside the dog. I copied and put mine in as well. I kept my eyes on my feet, still feeling blush on my face. I felt Blaine's arm wrap around my waist and pulled me close. A smiled entered my face. I looked to the lady, she smiled at me and handed me my dog all closed up and ready to move to the next station.

"Now, to the Wash Me station!" Blaine's arm disappeared from my waist and filled my hand. He pulled me over to these bathtub looking tables. I saw a little girl with red curly hair brushing her new bear under blowing air.

"Can't we just go on to the next step? My dog is clean." I said looking at Blaine.

"NO! We can't skip a step!" Blaine pulled me over to an empty table. Blaine, your 5 year old self is showing. I placed the dog on the table under the blowing air. I grabbed the brush awkwardly and brought it to the dog's head. Blaine laughed beside me. "I'm just kidding, let's go the next step. You'll like this one." He pulled me over to all these stands covered in clothes for the animals. I was in awe.

"This." I said and that's I needed to say.

After hours (haha, more like 1 hours) of having my dog try on every outfit I finally picked one. It wore skinny jeans, a red dress shirt and black vest, with a pair of converse. Cute, If I do say so myself. Of course, it's cute, I picked it out! Okay, Blaine picked the shoes. After a joking argument of not naming my dog at the Name Me station, Blaine paid for my dog, even after my protests after seeing the cost, we left with a stuffed dog, a birth certificate with no name, and me feeling like I was on cloud 9.

We pulled into my driveway at 9:45 pm. Blaine opened my car door for me (always a gentlemen) and walked me to the door. We stood there awkward for a few seconds.

"Thank you Blaine so much. I had such a fantastic time. I never would have thought of this as a date." I needed this. You don't even know.

"It's nothing, honestly. I'm glad you agreed to out on a date with me." He said looking down at his shoes. I smiled. "Kurt." Blaine paused.

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if, maybe…"he breathed in, then out. "If you would be-"The door opened and there stood my Dad holding a garbage bag.

"Oh, sorry. I was just taking out the trash." He said. "You better get inside, it's cold out here. Blaine don't want your parents worrying, the snow is supposed to pick up soon."

"Sure Dad," I rolled my eyes. Totally forgetting Blaine was in the middle of saying something. I kissed his cheek. "Thanks again Blaine. Really." I turned and walked to the door.

"You're welcome. ill text you." Blaine sighed and began to go to his car. I didn't close the door or take my eyes off him until his car was out of sight.

When I made it my room, I took out the birth certificate and grabbed a pen. In the name slot I wrote, Blainey-Bear and a tiny heart. I grabbed my new stuffed dog, Blainey-Bear with my right arm and pulled Blaine's guitar pick out from under my shirt with my left. I gripped them tight and thought of how much Blaine has impacted on my life.

I'll never say goodbye to him, no matter what happens.