~~~

Kurt and Blaine’s first conversation had been about shoes.
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After weeks of fretting, Blaine had finally worked up the nerve to start a conversation and he, ever the charmer, began with, “They’re everywhere, aren’t they?!”
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Kurt had looked over at him, perplexed and had said, “Hmm? What’s everywhere?”
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Blaine paused, having completely overestimated the quality of his icebreaker, before responding awkwardly, “Uh…shoes. You just…can’t go anywhere without, uh…seeing them, can you?”
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Aghast, Blaine longed to drop his head into his hands, or else rewind their conversation and start again. Blaine busied himself with his daily planner, pretending to take note of something important, sure that he had effectively killed any chance of a connection.
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Kurt had giggled, and the sound was more pleasant and surprising than any Blaine could have imagined. Kurt replied, “No, you can’t. Or without wearing them, really.”
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He kicked Blaine’s shoe with his own, adding, “They’re not too bad. Useful, I suppose.” He had smiled at Blaine so earnestly and sweetly that Blaine hadn’t known how to respond. So Kurt took over, guiding the conversation until Blaine could regain his sanity.
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As class started, Blaine continued to glance over at Kurt, unable to keep himself from grinning gleefully. Sure, it hadn’t been the finest conversation in history, but it was something. It was a beginning. He would certainly never look at his shoes the same way again.
�
~~~
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In all of their conversations about Erik, Blaine had been very careful to pay close attention.� He noted every inflection and gesture and expression, sure that Erik’s feelings were stronger than Kurt’s. Kurt might love Erik, sure, but not the way Erik loved Kurt. And certainly not the way Blaine loved Kurt.
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Months bled together and the boys celebrated anniversaries and birthdays and Blaine waited, with crossed fingers and bated breath, and listened. And not once, not once, did Kurt ever say he was in love with Erik.
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So Blaine allowed himself to hope.� As long as Kurt wasn’t in love with Erik, there was still a chance. Blaine could be friends with Kurt and while his heart might twinge a bit every time he saw Kurt and Erik together, there was still a chance.� He could hope and fantasize that maybe, just maybe, there was a happy ending in this for him, too. As long as Kurt loved Erik, but wasn’t in love with him, all was not lost.
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Until, in the moment he least expected it, Kurt was in love Erik. In love. Two words, six letters. And all was lost.
�
~~~
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Blaine had been sure that his visit to Kurt’s room and the rejection that followed would change everything.� He was prepared to lose his…well, saying his soul mate or true love seemed a little foolish now. He was prepared to lose his Kurt and his best friend, too.
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So, when Erik called him a week after the incident, Blaine prepared himself for the worst. And when all Erik wanted was to see if they were still on for dinner that night, Blaine had nearly dropped the phone, squeaked out a “yes,” and proceeded to panic.
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The three lovesick twenty-somethings met for dinner and, although Kurt was fiercely avoiding Blaine’s gaze, nothing much had changed. They were as they had always been: Erik and Kurt and Blaine. Under the surface, their relationships were fraught with lies and misunderstandings, with mistakes and confusions. But, with each of them wrapped up in his own thoughts, they functioned as they always had.
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It wasn’t until several months later that it all came crashing down around them.
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~~~
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Blaine was good at a lot of things. A gifted student, he had always been his teachers’ favorite.� He could play the piano and the guitar and his voice could move you to tears. Blaine was a practiced writer.� He could juggle and tie twelve different kinds of knots.� He could speak relatively fluent Portuguese and he knew how to waltz. He could cross his eyes and do a perfect cartwheel.
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There was, however, one thing Blaine was horribly bad at doing, one thing he was never encouraged to do, one thing his parents had never condoned.
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Yet, faced with the horror that he was in love with his best friend’s boyfriend and the boy wasn’t in love with him in return, Blaine was left with no choice. For the first time in his memory, Blaine Anderson tried his hardest to give up.
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~~~
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Blaine supposed he should have expected it. He had celebrated with Kurt and Erik when Illinois passed the legislation to legalize marriage for all. And it wasn’t as if Erik hadn’t talked about it several times before.� But, nevertheless, nothing could have prepared Blaine for that heart-breaking moment when Erik asked him to help find the perfect ring for Kurt.� And when Erik asked him for help to decide on just the right way to propose, his heart broke a little more.
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Kurt wasn’t Blaine’s. He never had been. So Blaine couldn’t argue, or persuade or fight. He could only sit back and watch and wait.
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But, the night that Blaine expected a visit from a very happy, slightly tipsy, and newly engaged couple, he received one from a crying, soaking-wet Kurt Hummel instead. �
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Apparently, it was raining.� Blaine, who hadn’t been outside in a few days, hadn’t even noticed. Nor had he cared. But now, as he helped Kurt into a warm blanket and made him a cup of hot chocolate, rain seemed quite relevant. Of course it would be raining, Blaine thought melodramatically. Even the universe understands how horribly screwed up this all is.
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Once he had calmed himself enough to speak, Kurt whispered sadly, “Erik proposed.” After Blaine nodded, Kurt continued, “By the look on your face, I’m guessing you already knew that.” Blaine nodded again and looked down at his hands.
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After a moment of silence, Blaine had looked up and asked, “So, what’s the problem? You love him, right?” Kurt didn’t respond, so Blaine said softly, “This is supposed to be a happy day, Kurt. Not a sad one.”
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Kurt’s shoulders began to shake and tears welled up in his eyes once more.� So Blaine joined Kurt on his bed and wrapped Kurt in his arms, confused and torn, simply hoping to take Kurt’s sadness away.
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“I just don’t…” Kurt tried to speak, but shallow breaths and sobs got in the way.� “I just can’t…”
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Blaine pulled away, taking Kurt’s hands in his and said, “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I just want to know how to help.”
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Kurt nodded and, meeting Blaine’s eyes, asked “Can you think of any reason why I shouldn’t say yes? Why I shouldn’t marry Erik?” Blaine frowned, confused. He could think of countless reasons, none of which meant a thing given that Kurt was in love with Erik. But that didn’t explain the look in Kurt’s eyes…
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“I think I…,” Kurt started, eyes locked on Blaine’s. He started over, and asked “Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at once?” Blaine’s confusion deepened and he was lost for words. What was Kurt trying to say?
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“Blaine,” Kurt whispered, squeezing Blaine’s hands in his, “I don’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense. But when I’m with you, I’m just so happy.� I can’t explain it...it just feels comfortable, it feels right. It feels like home, you know?” Blaine nodded, understanding the feeling perfectly.� Kurt continued, “But when I’m with Erik, I’m happy, too. It’s just different. I just…I just don’t understand. I think I lied before…or, didn’t tell the truth. When I said I was in love with Erik? When I implied I wasn’t in love with you? I think...I’m…” Kurt trailed off, eyes full of emotion.
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So Kurt is in love with both of us? Blaine mused, torn between the soaring feeling Kurt’s words inspired and the pain he felt when he thought of Erik.� When Blaine didn’t respond, Kurt squeezed his hands again and asked, “Blaine, can you think of any reason why I shouldn’t say yes?”
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I’m in love with you. You’re in love with me. We’re soul mates and it’s our destiny, our fate to be together. We’re perfect for each other. You might be in love with Erik, too, but you’re not meant to be with him; you’re meant to be with me.
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The reasons flooded Blaine’s mind, each more convincing than the last.� But at the thought of Erik’s name, he remembered. It wasn’t that simple.� Kurt had chosen Erik. Blaine had given up.
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Maybe it’s better this way.� Maybe you’re not supposed to end up with your soul mate. Maybe love, plain old regular love, is enough.
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Blaine had betrayed Erik once, hadn’t he? And, in the process, he had broken his own heart. Could there possibly be a lesson there? Maybe Blaine wasn’t supposed to fight for Kurt, not if it meant sacrificing his friendship with Erik.
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If you really love someone you let them go.
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Blaine knew that Erik made Kurt happy.� It might not be the same easy, peaceful happiness Kurt felt with Blaine, but it was happiness.� They would get engaged and plan the “best gay wedding of all time” or whatever. They would get married and buy a house and adopt a few kids.� Blaine would be the best man and the godfather and the best friend.� And that would be enough.� He could give Kurt this chance at happiness. He could make Kurt happy without making Erik miserable.
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“No, Kurt, I can’t.” Blaine responded, dropping Kurt’s hands and standing up.� “You should say yes. You should marry Erik.” Blaine avoided Kurt’s eyes, the shock and pain too unbearable to acknowledge.
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Kurt’s tears started again, but this time Blaine didn’t comfort him.� This time, he was too busy fighting back tears of his own.
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~~~
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It didn't take Blaine Anderson long after meeting Kurt Hummel to start planning their future. He was one of those people. The hopeless romantic types who, as soon as they met someone of interest, were planning their wedding and picking out kids’ names and doodling their names together in notebooks.
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Kurt and Blaine. Blaine and Kurt. Blaine Anderson-Hummel. Or maybe Blaine Hummel-Anderson? Either way, didn't it look perfect? And, in those secret moments when he allowed himself to say it out loud, didn’t it just roll off the tongue?
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Blaine imagined adorable little kids, having the impossible combination of his own curly locks and Kurt's beautiful eyes.� He could picture himself and Kurt exchanging vows, surrounded by their family and friends.� The wedding would be perfect: Kurt would, Blaine was sure, plan most of it.� But Blaine would help, he would make sure all the details were just right. It would be the happiest day of his life.
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In their first few months of friendship, Blaine imagined confessing his feelings to Kurt in many different ways.� When he couldn’t sleep, he would play out scenarios in his head, what he would say, what Kurt would say. But one thing was always the same: they would end up together. Forever. Happy and in love and perfect. And whatever life threw at them, they could handle it…together.
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Blaine wasn’t a realist. He didn’t imagine all of the ways it could go wrong. He didn’t spend hours picturing a life without Kurt; a life spent watching Erik and Kurt and their happiness.
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Kurt was supposed to be with Blaine , that much he knew for certain.� So he pretended everything was simple and easy and fine.� He told himself it would all work out, somehow. But it wouldn’t.
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~~~
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So, where do we draw the line? Is it acceptable to sacrifice friendship for love? Are we allowed to betray a friend in the name of destiny?
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Blaine had thought he understood fate.� Months earlier, he had decided to forsake friendship, believing his choice of love over friendship was an inevitable one.� He had gone to Kurt, willing to betray his best friend, all in the name of true love.
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But nothing is ever simple, and in Blaine’s case, nothing ever goes as planned.
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Maybe Blaine had had it all wrong. Maybe this was the universe chastising him, punishing him, telling him that he should have chosen friendship all along.
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The sad and honest truth was that, his feelings for Blaine aside, Kurt was happy with Erik. And, even more importantly, Erik, Blaine’s very best friend, was happy with Kurt.� Who was Blaine to stand in the way of that?
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~~~
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Blaine readied himself for the announcement. He planned and prepared and cried for a bit. And he accepted the inevitable, the consequences of his choice. He accepted the events he had caused and the things he had given up.
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Before, he imagined his life with Kurt, but now, he imagined his life without Kurt. Blaine was sure he was doomed to live a life of wanting and watching and wishing.� He would be there through it all, as Erik and Kurt got married and had babies and made a life together.� Blaine, the best friend, wouldn’t be able to avoid their happiness.� No matter how far he traveled, no matter how disconnected he tried to become, they would seek him out.� He would get emails and texts and voicemail. They would send him holiday cards and birthday presents and pictures of their kids. He could run, but he could never escape.� Their happiness would find him wherever he went.
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But he would always have the knowledge that, at the very least, when it mattered most, he hadn’t forsaken his best friend.� He had chosen to give Erik happiness instead of taking it for himself. And that had to count for something, right?
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~~~
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On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load
�
~~~
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Kurt found him in the music room, as he often did. It seemed to be their place, after all.� They had shared so much in that room, secrets and kisses and tears, so naturally, they would share this, there, too.
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Kurt explained it gently, although it wasn’t as if Blaine didn’t know already. But, Kurt had wanted to tell Blaine himself, to explain. He mentioned things like “what could have been” and “if things were different.” “I’m sorry” had made a few appearances, too. They held each other for a while, both clinging to the connection and the moment, afraid that if they parted, they would have to return to reality.
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But time passed, as it does, and they broke apart.� Kurt pulled Blaine to his feet, embracing him one last time.� In a soft whisper, thick with emotion, he said, “I will always love you. Forever and ever. And the day after that, too.”
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Blaine’s breath hitched as he chocked back a sob, nodding his head. Words seemed meaningless, not worth the effort.
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They left the room for the last time, closing the door after them, leaving behind their secret hopes and dreams, their what if’s and their maybe’s. They hugged again and they parted ways, Kurt to meet Erik and Blaine to wander aimlessly, to agonize and wonder and wallow.
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~~~
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One of life’s truest, most cruel paradoxes is time.� It is both a miracle and a tragedy.� We always seem to want more of it, until we want less. We want time to go faster, or slower, or to pause entirely.� We want to go back, we want to skip forward.� We want to remember, to forget, to know, to see. We measure time and keep track of it, but we lose it, too.
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Time has the power to heal wounds and erode friendships. Time can help and time can hurt.
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In time, all things fade. Life fades and love fades. Happiness and sorrow, anger and misery, embarrassment and pride; they all get a little bit weaker as time passes. New events spark new feelings, and, over time, the old ones fade.
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So, love may fade with time, but was true love different? Wouldn’t it fade, too? Were not the feelings inspired by destiny and fate just as vulnerable to time as any others? They might be more passionate and less predictable, but were they really an exception?� In time, wouldn’t they fade, too?
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Blaine found himself measuring time in a new way. Before Kurt and After Kurt. Before, he hadn’t known love, but he had believed in it. He had always been a truly hopeless romantic.� After, once he knew more about love and fate and friendship, he wasn’t so sure of anything.
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Days of hope and love and happiness were of the past.� Loneliness and sadness, despair and self-pity; those were the now. And the future? The days when all the stolen moments he and Kurt had shared were distant memories? The days when he had to watch as Kurt and Erik lived happily ever after? Blaine wasn’t sure he could bear to see what those days brought.
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He hoped against hope that time would be on his side, for once.� His timing with Kurt had never been ideal, but maybe now, maybe after everything he’d been through, time would give him this.
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Blaine hoped it would all fade. Wouldn’t it be easier that way? If it could just fade away, if time could give him that one thing, everything would be okay.
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~~~
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After class ended on the day of their first conversation, Blaine realized, with horror, that Kurt had left before he had properly introduced himself.� He hadn’t given Kurt his last name or phone number and he hadn’t invited Kurt to coffee. This had all been part of the plan, and, in a moment of true brilliance, Blaine had forgotten all about it.
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Sure he would end up sad and alone forever, Blaine gathered his things, full of melodrama and self-pity.�
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His head shot up as Kurt came hurrying back into the classroom. “I forgot to give you this,” Kurt said, slightly out of breath, as he handed Blaine a slip of paper. “It’s my number. I was thinking we could get coffee sometime, if you’d like. We could even talk about shoes if you wanted.”� Blaine smiled as Kurt teased him, looking at the wonderful paper in his hand.
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“That would be perfect,” Blaine replied, eager and honest. “Oh, and I’m Blaine. Blaine Anderson.”
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Kurt laughed his beautiful laugh and said, “I know. I’m Kurt Hummel, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Blaine nodded, stunned. Kurt knew his name? That had to be a good sign! His spirits soared and he grinned broadly as Kurt went to leave for the second time that day.
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Just before he reached he door, Kurt turned around and smiled one more time at Blaine, and Blaine felt his stomach leap.� The boys shared one last look as Kurt said, “I’ll see you around, Blaine Anderson.”
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~~~
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When he was younger, and he was sad or hurt or scared, Blaine’s mother had pulled him onto her lap and whispered loving words into his ear.� She had comforted and soothed him, rubbing slow circles on his back and humming his favorite lullabies.� Once the tears had stopped, she had turned Blaine’s head so he faced her, and put her hands on his cheeks.� “Don’t fret, my love,” she said, the same words every time. “It will get better tomorrow. And tomorrow’s tomorrow. Before you know it, the pain will be a flicker, a shadow, a memory.� Life will go on, Blaine. And we will go on living it.”
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Blaine would be better tomorrow. He would love Kurt less and spend fewer hours dreaming of his face. He would cry less and hurt less.� Before he knew it, the raw misery he felt in Kurt’s absence would be a flicker, a shadow, a memory.� Life would go on for Blaine. And Blaine would go on living it, without Kurt, because, it was all he could do.
�
~~~

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
�
�
~~~The End~~~