The Proper Way to Insert Your Foot up Your Own Ass

I'll admit it freely and gladly. I am an idiot…

I recoiled at the words I love him as soon as I thought them. It was too soon. It was way too soon. Only crazy people thought things like that after knowing someone less than a week. Besides, love was the very last complication I needed so I shoved any thoughts of it quickly away, a task that was easily done partly because of my sheer determination to avoid thinking about it and partly because my stomach was still churning over Kurt's truth.

His unspoken words buzzed around in my mind, squishing the annoying I love you's flying around that was I more than happy to blame on sleep deprivation and a fucker of a hangover.

Back to Kurt's truth.

I know, he'd said with unsettling finalization, as if we were stuck at an impasse.

I forced myself to remember how shitty hearing it had made me feel. Feeling like shit was better than entertaining the truly psychotic notion that I had somehow fallen in love. And, fuck me, there it was again. That goddamn L word. The word that never did anyone any favors. It was a broken promise I never wanted to make.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I made the phantom Kurt in my mind chant.

What did that even mean? I tell him I'm sorry and he says that he knows. What was I supposed to do with that? Where was I—no, where were we supposed to go from I know?

I know, I know, I know.

"…Do you want me to leave?" I asked after a long, empty space of silence.

My question obviously threw him. He looked torn, which kind of pissed me off. I couldn't remember the last time I had said the words I'm sorry to someone. I was trying to make things better and he was being difficult.

When he opened his mouth to answer, my stomach gave a violent twist. Tiny little pricks prodded at my insides and outsides and my tongue went dryer than crusted old dirt. What if he said yes? What if he actually asked me to leave?

My eyes dropped down to his hand. I could grab it. I could grab it and refuse to let go. I could wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist like a leech. I could kiss him until I forgot what it meant to breathe my own air. I could do something crazy. I could—

"Pink Houses" interrupted my internal insanity as well as whatever Kurt had been about to say.

"Shit," I was surprised to hear him say as he grabbed his phone from somewhere my eyes hadn't been quick enough to catch. "Dad—"

"Where are you?" Burt Hummel spoke instantly over him and Kurt winced.

"You didn't find my note?"

"The Dalton brochure I found on my nightstand that has 'here' written on it? And I was supposed to be what—reassured by that? Kurt, you took off in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye. What the hell's going on?"

Kurt shook his head, opening and closing his mouth a few times. "Dad—I can't… I..."

There was a slight pause after Kurt trailed off, unable to explain himself. Then, on Burt's side, "No, Carole, I will not calm down! First he skips Friday night dinner and now this! He just up and left without saying—"

I only had about a second to puzzle over the bit about Friday night dinner because a new voice came on, Carole I guessed. Her voice was much quieter than Burt's had been but still not soft enough to keep me from hearing what she was saying. "Kurt, honey, I'm going to put you on speaker. Just answer yes or no, okay? Are you at school?"

"No." Yes.

"Okay. Do you need us to come get you?"

"Yes." No.

"…Alright," she said, though she sounded a bit unsure. "I'm sure you had a reason for leaving like you did, otherwise you wouldn't have done it."

Kurt's eyes flicked to me once and then dropped down. I wasn't sure if he knew whether or not I could hear everything being said. "No." Yes.

A very decisive snort sounded from the other line, obviously Burt.

"Feel free to ignore your father," Carole said, her tone of voice indicating that she might have been sending Burt an angry glare. I had never met her though, so I couldn't be sure. "The important thing is that you're safe. You are safe, right?"

"No." Yes.

"Okay, good. Next time we really need more of a heads up, honey. We were worried when we found you gone and your note didn't exactly explain anything, not that you can help that, but still."

"We'll talk about this on Friday," Burt cut in, sounding only marginally calmer. The struggle to remain that way was evident in his voice. "I expect you home this time—no excuses."

Kurt said nothing, not there was much point for him to since it was pretty obvious he wasn't being given a choice.

There was a short-lived silence which Carole broke with a sigh. "Don't worry, he'll calm down. Just prepare yourself for an interrogation. We'll see you on Friday, okay?"

"Bye," he answered quietly before disconnecting the call. He folded his arms tightly over his chest and looked up nervously at me. "How much of that did you hear?"

I shrugged and took up a false interest in a bit of imaginary dust on my pants. "When I asked you to go with me to Wal-Mart on Friday, you could have told me that you already had plans."

That made three things that he had sacrificed for me: Friday dinner, his weekend with his family, and a comfortable night's sleep spent in his bed rather than on the floor. Oh, and don't forget his first kiss. Fuck, that made four. I was beginning to rack up a debt, something I wasn't entirely comfortable with.

He didn't look very comfortable either. Obviously he hadn't wanted me to find out. "Yeah, well…"

There was that silence again, filling the space between us with more and more nothing. I sighed. "I guess I'll just leave you alone…" I said slowly, waiting in the silence that followed to see if he would try to stop me. He said nothing and I wondered what the hell I was doing, waiting of around for some guy to tell me to jump just so I could ask him how high. That wasn't what I was about.

Kurt sat there not doing anything, an indescribable expression on his face. Well, fine. I didn't need this shit. All I had to do was get up and walk out without so much as a fuck you. Or at the very least make it to the door. Hell, finding the will to make it to the sofa that was five feet away would have been something to celebrate over at the pathetic rate I was going.

I jumped at the sudden feel of Kurt's fingers curling around the cuff of my hoodie, his grip on the material tight. My gaze fell to his hand and traveled up his arm and to his face but his attention was once again out the window.

"Stay," he said.

"…Okay."

I didn't think anything of it when Wes stopped me on my way to the bathroom one morning and started gabbing on and on about this song Kurt and I could sing together and would I be interested and blah blah.

First off, it was a Thursday and my academic drive for the week fizzled out sometime around 11:59 PM on Sunday, meaning my attention span was less than zero seconds per minute (I know, but just go with it). Second, Kurt and I were still awkward beyond reason and I was even less cheerful than usual because of reasons. Third, Sebastian had given up fucking Steven like it was his Great Gay calling and was in between fuck buddies (figuratively, of course), which meant he was back to bugging the shit out of me to suck his cock. And finally, I just really kind of didn't care what Wes wanted me to do so long as agreeing to whatever it was meant he would leave me alone, so I sent Wes off happy with a distracted, "Yeah, man, whatever."

Like usual, I slept through my first two classes, waking up third period to smile at Kurt when he walked in the room with his leather book tucked neatly under his arm. "Hey, gorgeous."

He nodded in my direction as he took his seat and I sighed. Still mad at me, then.

He and I had taken up this weird sort of coexistence with one another since the weekend which involved spending all of our spare time together in heavy, uncomfortable silence. Kurt would do his best to pretend like I wasn't there and I would do my best to convince him to act normal around me again. However, trying to get him to talk to me (when it was just us, of course) was like pulling teeth. He made sure to answer me whenever I asked him a question, but he gave me one word answers only. The whole omission thing had obviously freaked him out, but I didn't know how to fix it. I had apologized twice more since Sunday and it was getting me nowhere, much to my complete annoyance. I mean, what else did he want from me? I was doing the best I could and he was giving me almost nothing.

I twisted my head where it was pillowed in my arms to study his profile. I saw him pause in his reading to take a peek at me from the corner of his eye and I frowned in frustration. He was so damn confusing.

We walked to our second class together side by side in the hallway. Just like I had done since Monday, I eventually gave in and grabbed his hand because not having some sort of contact with him when he was so close made me feel like a thousand little insects were running all over my skin, and just like he had done since Monday, he got all tense as if the contact between us bothered him but he didn't let go. In fact, he stepped closer to me so that our arms brushed. It made me want to tear my hair out.

I had been desperate enough over it to call Santana the night before and ask her what the fuck I was supposed to do to fix things. She had advised me to wrap a bow around my dick and handcuff myself to his bed. When I asked her how the hell that was supposed to show that I was sorry for violating his trust she told me to write SORRY across my chest in the dessert sauce of my choice. I told her to kiss my ass and hung up on her mid-cackle.

I was beginning to wonder, though, whether I should just go for it. If anything it would piss Kurt off to no end and he would probably spend a good bit of time yelling at me for it, which would be a nice break from the endless string of curt responses I was getting.

He let go of my hand as we walked into the classroom and took his usual seat at the back. I sat down in the seat next to him and buried my face in my arms, hoping that would be enough to get Sebastian to leave me alone.

My desk shifted under a sudden weight. "Alright, Anderson, here is the deal. I will give you one hundred dollars if you suck me off."

I lifted my head to look up at Sebastian, who was perched on the corner of my desk. "Seriously?" I asked with intrigue, only half joking, and I saw Kurt's head snap up. Well. That was interesting.

"Seriously."

I widened my eyes with false innocence. "Here?"

"No, not here. Later. In my room." He looked at Kurt. "You can occupy yourself for half hour, right?"

Kurt glared at him.

I leaned back in my seat, folding my arms as I went. "I'll do it for 1k."

Kurt's mouth fell open. Sebastian was sporting a similar expression.

"One thousand dollars? Are you insane?"

I shrugged. "That's my price."

"No way. No. Way. I could get some random thirty-something-year-old at Scandals to do it for free."

"Sounds like you don't need me then."

"I offered you a hundred!"

"Yeah, but I want a thousand," I said as I laid a hand on Sebastian's leg and traced it slowly upwards. I smirked when his breath hitched, but most of my attention was on Kurt, who looked completely livid. Jealousy was kind of really fucking hot on him I realized with a manic grin. "I'll even give you till the end of the day to think about it."

"Fuck you, Blaine," Sebastian spat, though his voice shook just a little.

I lifted my hand off his leg to grab hold of his tie and pulled him down to my level. "That, I'll give you for two thousand," I said into his ear, nipping at it once for a good measure.

Sebastian jerked away from me and moved to sit at his own desk, which was in front of mine.

"Let me know if you change your mind, gorgeous," I said with a shit eating grin and laughed when I saw his shoulders tense up. Kurt was still staring at me in abject outrage when I settled back down and closed my eyes with a smile on my face, pretending to go to sleep.

The second class was over Kurt grabbed onto my arm and dragged me to the nearest bathroom. He maneuvered the garbage can holding the door open out of the way and ducked down to see if anyone was in any of the stalls.

"Don't tell me you want a blow job, too," I said with a cheeky grin. "If that's the case, I'll suck you for free, gorgeous."

Kurt shot up to send me a death glare. "Don't call me that."

Shit. Maybe pissed Kurt off wasn't the way to go after all. "Aw, come on, Kurt, I was just—"

"Don't," he said again. "Listen very, very carefully, Blaine. Stay the hell away from me."

My stomach dropped. "Whoa, what the hell? Are you fucking serious? I was just kidding."

Kurt said nothing as he pushed past me and walked out of the bathroom.

I stood there like a total idiot for a few seconds, wondering what the fuck had just happened before my brain kick started up again and I stumbled after him.

I had to job to catch up. His legs were long and he moved fast. "Kurt! Kurt, seriously, none of that with Sebastian meant anything. I was just fucking with him."

He shrugged my hand violently off his arm and kept walking towards his next class without so much as a glance in my direction.

Around that time I started getting desperate. "You're overreacting over nothing. It was a fucking joke, Kurt, come on! What are you so pissed about?"

He said nothing.

Ever since I had taken his omission he had been so careful to answer every single one of my questions. He had been so careful not to give me another chance to peek inside his private mind. But now…

He said nothing.

And like the true idiot that I was, I started to do it, almost without really meaning to. I'm pretty sure I would have eventually stopped just before I actually went through with it, but I didn't get to that just before point because somehow he knew.

He turned on me in an instant and pinned me with a truly hateful look. "Don't you dare," he said so quietly that it was a miracle I was even able to hear him.

I went instantly cold. My brain couldn't function well enough to entertain the thought that maybe he had reacted on a hunch rather than knowing with complete certainty what I had been about to do. Maybe if I had thought of that, I wouldn't have looked so damn guilty, which really just confirmed that he had guessed right. The less than a full second flash of hurt in his eyes made me feel empty. It felt worse when he instantly covered it up with more anger.

"I… I…" I had nothing.

Without another word he turned his back on me and walked away. I didn't follow.