Chapter 9
March 10th
BLAINE

I'm back at therapy.
Kurt and I are sitting across from each other, not saying anything.
I don't know what to say. I guess he doesn't either.
"I'm uhm..." he starts. I look up at him, into his eyes. They look especially blue today.
Do they? Or am I imagining it? Am I seeing something new in them?
"I'm...really proud of you. Last week, you took a big step. Another one."
I nod. "Uh-huh."
"Why don't you tell me how you're feeling?" he asks, his voice shaking. He sounds like he's about to cry.
"I'm...tired. I guess. A little sad."
"An-Andrew again?"
This time, I'm sure I hear tears choking his voice. I don't say anything though. "Uhm...yeah. Andrew again."
This is a lie. Well, partially. I'm sad for so many reasons, Andrew only being one of them.
It's weird to think of him as a reason, not a person, but I guess he's both. A person and a reason.
"You've accomplished a lot, Blaine. You're aware of that, aren't you?"
I nod. "Yes. I am."
We're silent again. This time for a long time.
"Kurt?" I ask, finally.
He looks at me. "Yes, Blaine?"
"Are...are you alright? You seem...funky."
He smiles sadly at me. "I'm okay. I just have a lot on my mind today."
"Like uhm...like what?"
"Uhm..."
Again, it's silent for a few moments before Kurt finishes his thought. "You, actually. You've been on my mind a lot, Blaine."
My heart stops. I'm one-hundred percent sure that it actually stops beating.
"You've been on my mind a lot, Blaine."
"I-I have?"
Kurt nods at me. "Yes. You're uhm...you're really special, Blaine. To me."
My heart stops again and how am I not dead. "You....you're special to me too, Kurt."
At this, he smiles.
And then there's more silence. Even longer this time.
"I...have to go." I say after minutes and minutes and longer minutes of silence.
"Oh. You do, don't you?"
I smile apologetically and head for the door.
"We'll do more work next week?" I ask, about to leave.
I turn around to hear Kurt's answer and then something crazy is happening.
He's kissing me. His lips are on mine and they're perfect.Warm, soft, moving against mine, pulling me deeper, closer. His hands are on my face and my hands are in the air until I'm doing something even crazier and running them through his soft, lovely hair.
I am kissing him back.
Kurt is kissing me and I'm kissing him and it's so, so perfect and I want it to go on forever and then-
And then it's over.
Kurt has pulled away from me and he's standing awkardly in front of me, staring.
"I....Blaine I'm...I'm so..."
"It's okay," I rush out.
"I'm...oh my god, Blaine, I-"
"It's fine."
"Please don't-"
"I won't say anything."
We don't speak for a few moments, just stare at each other. My lips are raw, but it feels nice. It feels nice to have kissed someone. I had almost forgotten that, that deliciously raw feeling you get after someone's lips have been on yours, the way you can taste them on your tongue for those first few seconds after you part.
"Okay. I'll...I'll see you uhm...I'll see you next week."
"Yeah. Next week."
Before either one of us can say anything else, I practically run out the door and down the hall, away from Kurt.
--
KURT
My breathing. It's not happening. I can't believe I did what I just did.
I am so fucking stupid.
Ben was right, every time he told me how stupid, how idiotic, how reckless and impulsive I was, and I just proved all of that to be true.
That's all I can think about, how absolutely, utterly fucking stupid I am.
That and Blaine's lips, how wonderful it was to be kissing him.
How wonderful it was when he kissed back.
But no, I had to have imagined that.
Because Blaine would never kiss me back, would never want to be with me. Because I don’t deserve him and I never will because I’m never going to be good enough. For him or for anyone.
I cannot breathe. Still. I'm gulping and gasping and heaving but I can't get enough air into my lungs.
I quickly walk out of the office, thank Jeanette with a shaking voice, ask her to lock up again and head for home. I'm on the subway, not breathing. I'm walking toward my street, my house, not breathing.
I don't get home. I sit down on a bench, gasp for more air.
I call Rachel, tell her where I am, and it seems like forever before she's there, but she is soon enough and she wraps an arm around me and gets me home somehow.
I still can't breathe, can't fill my lungs.
"Kurt, what's wrong? What happened?" Rachel's asking me, pulling out a chair for me to sit in. I sink into the chair, lean back against it.
"I-I uhm-I did something...something stupid. Really stupid."
"What? What did you do Kurt?"
She's worried about me, I can tell. But I can't make myself speak. My brain won't put sentences together.
"I ki-I ki-...I..."
"Killed? Kissed? Kicked?"
"That one. The second one. Yeah."
"Okay," Rachel says, kneeling down in front of me. "Who did you kiss, Kurt?"
The word, the name, won't come up out of my throat. All I can do is look at Rachel meaningfully.
"Oh...oh, my god. Blaine. You kissed Blaine."
I nod, feeling tears start to well up in my eyes.
"Oh...oh, honey. Oh Kurt. Are you alright?"
I shake my head.
"What...how....what happened? Tell me everything."
Finally, thank you God, the words come to me, climb up out of my esophagus and I can sort of almost talk. "I...I don't know. He was talking one second, he asked me a-a question and...and I just...I don't know. I kissed him. I just...did it."
"Was he...was he upset about it?"
I have to think about this.
He didn't seem...terribly upset. He didn't even try to push me away.
"I don't...I don't really know."
Rachel sighs. "Okay. Tell me what you did. How you kissed him. And then tell me exactly what he did."
I nod, gulp. "Okay. I uhm...I just kind of...jumped on him. I grabbed his face when he turned around and I just...kissed him. Just put my lips right on his."
"Okay, okay," Rachel says, "and what did he do?"
"He uhm..." I start. My head is spinning. I can't actually see straight.
"He uhm...he like...I guess he sort of...started...uhm...like...running his fingers through my-my hair...and then...he uhm...he kind of...started moving his mouth too and-"
"Oh my god," Rachel says, a smile creeping across her face. "Kurt."
"What?"
"He kissed you back."
I shake my head. "No...no he didn't. He....did he?"
Rachel nods, full-on grinning now. "It sure sounds like he did."
I don't know why, but this doesn't make me feel better. It should.
"That's...I..."
"That's fantastic, Kurt."
"No...It's...it's not."
I stand up and head into my living room, start pacing. Rachel sits down on the couch in front of me, a curious look on her face. "You love him. You kissed him. He kissed you back. I don't see what's not great about that, Kurt."
I shake my head, keep pacing. The Professor sits next to Rachel and follows me with her amber eyes. "It's...it's just...it's not. I have to...I have to tell him."
"Tell him what?"
"Tell him...tell him that I love him."
"Yes! Yes, you have to tell him."
"Yeah. And then...I have to tell him that I can't be his therapist anymore. And cut off all contact with him. That's what I have to do."
I'm still pacing when Rachel reaches out and wraps her fingers around my wrist. "Kurt, what the fuck?" She says.
"It's the only way."
Rachel rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "What could possibly be going through your mind right now that makes you think the answer to this is telling Blaine you can never see him again, even though you are in love with him?"
"I-"
"Never mind. I don't want to know. But Kurt, this isn't how it's supposed to go. You don't...you don't kiss someone and then break off all contact with him. You kiss someone and you ask him out on a date. Coffee, dinner, a show."
"Rachel, you don't understand-"
"I don't. You're right. I'm not a therapist, I've never been in love with a patient. I'm not you. But Kurt, this is just...you're going about this in all the wrong ways! You-"
"Rachel," I say, firm. She stops, looks at me. "Rachel, I am his therapist.He is my patient. No matter what his feelings are toward me, I fucked up. I really fucked up. I could lose my job, Rachel. My license. I'm probably going to. If I could keep...keep at least a shred of my dignity through all of that..."
"But Kurt-"
"No," I say, shaking my head. I sit down on the couch next to her and grip her hand in mine. "Rachel, I know...I know you're a romantic, and I know you don't agree with my...my decision, but I need your support. I'm not asking you for anything else but that."
She looks guilty, and I almost regret snapping at her. She nods.
"Thank you," I say.
She nods again and laces our fingers together. "You know all I want for you is to be happy, right?"
I smile sadly at her. "Yes. I do. And I appreciate that."
"And if Blaine makes you happy you should be with him."
"I...I guess that's true. But this is how I'm going to do it, Rachel."
"Okay. Fine. Then I support your decision. Even if I don't understand the logic behind it."
"Thank you," I say.
But I don't really understand my logic either.
It’s silent for a few moments before Rachel squeezes my hand again and looks at me, concerned. “This isn’t because…because of what Ben said to you, right?”
I turn my head sharply. “N-no,” I say, weakly, unconvincingly.
“You got rid of him three years ago, honey,” she says, “and you’re so much more than the things he said you were.”
I look down at my lap. “Am I?” I ask, my voice quieter than I expect it to be. I can feel a few tears trickle down my cheeks. “Doesn’t this prove what a…what a fucking idiot I am? Doesn’t this prove him right?”
I look up at Rachel and her eyes are wide, filled with tears, too. She shakes her head silently and pulls me into her arms.
I cry for a long time.