February 3rd
BLAINE

Session three with Kurt. I was weirdly excited for this one.
Not excited, actually. That's not the right word.
I was...anticipating it. I don't know why. All day today, I've been...waiting. All antsy and weird. I woke up at 4:30 AM. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I woke up my sister, told her to get dressed, took her out to breakfast, and then drove her to school.
After that, I didn't know what to do with myself. I went to the library, took out a book. I tore through it in an hour and then went back to the library and returned it. I went grocery shopping for my mother. I cooked us both a big lunch and dropped leftovers off for Lizzie at school. I cleaned the whole kitchen top to bottom, so that the countertops literally sparkle.
I picked up Lizzie from school, dropped her off at home and then it was 3:00, time to go.
I walk into Kurt's office at 3:30, right on time and he smiles at me. "You seem to be in a good mood today, Blaine," he says as I sit on the couch. "Want to talk about that?"
"I had...a productive day, I guess," I say.
"Productive? How so?"
I start ticking off everything I did on my fingers and Kurt smiles and nods at each one, then writes them down.
"It sounds to me like you spent a lot of time with your sister today. Did you enjoy that?"
I nod, fighting a smile. "Yeah. I love my sister."
"Even though she's...seventeen years younger than you? Is that correct?"
"Yeah, she's thirteen. I just...she's so innocent. I want her to keep that for as long as possible, you know? She's never had her heart broken, she's never...fallen in love or out of love. I want to keep her from all that stuff."
Kurt cocks his head and looks at me. "Keep her from what stuff? Love?"
"I....yeah. Love, I guess. And heartbreak. And sadness. All that stuff...it happens when you fall in love."
"Not necessarily. Why do you think that, Blaine?"
"Because...I mean...I fell in love. And look what happened to me. I'm here."
"In therapy."
"Yeah."
"So...you wish you hadn't fallen in love?"
"Yeah. I wish it had never happened to me."
Kurt jots something down and then looks back up at me. "You regret meeting Andrew? Falling in love with him? Marrying him?"
I'm silent. That's not what I meant. I didn't mean that at all. I could never regret Andrew.
"Blaine? Do you regret it?"
I shake my head, tears stinging my eyes.
"Then what do you regret?"
I sigh, let the tears fall down my cheeks. "Not being enough for him."
"What do you mean by that Blaine?"
I shake my head again. I can't do this. Not now. Not today.
"Blaine. I need you to answer me."
"I...couldn't help him. He needed me. And I couldn't do anything. I just...I..."
"Am I pushing you, Blaine? Is this too much?"
I nod, more and more tears starting to pour out. I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, squeeze them shut, bite my lip.
"You can cry here if you need to, Blaine. It's just you and me. You don't have to be brave for anybody."
Something about the gentleness in Kurt's voice, the tenderness in his tone, hits me in just the right spot and I completely lose it. I'm sobbing uncontrollably and I can't make myself stop. Kurt is handing me tissues and I'm burying my face in my hands and my shoulders are shaking and I'm gasping for air, but I feel better. It feels good to cry, to sob, to let myself be sad.
Slowly, it subsides and my heartbeat is regular again, my nose stops running. I sniffle a few times and look up to see Kurt smiling gently at me.
"Feeling better?" He asks.
I nod. "Surprisingly, yeah."
"I'm glad. Do you want to talk?"
"About what?"
"We'll, for starters why you cried like that. Before, you were saying you weren't enough for Andrew. What did you mean by that?"
Even after all that crying, I still don't think I'm ready. "Can I just go? I'm not feeling up to it."
Kurt nods, a tight smile on his face. "Sure. I'll see you next week, Blaine."
I nod and stand up, push my arms through my coat sleeves and head out for the door.
"Blaine?"
I turn and look Kurt straight in the eyes.
"This is progress. I'm proud of you."
--

KURT

The only light on in my entire house, a big, beautiful old Brownstone in Chelsea, is the TV in my bedroom. I'm sitting on my bed, watching The Late Show with the Professor curled up next to me.
The audience on the TV is laughing at some joke but I can't seem to concentrate on it. I can't get Blaine out of my head. Seeing him cry like that...it stuck with me. After work, I had dinner with Rachel and my father, who was in town for the weekend, and couldn't even stop thinking about him then. At one point Rachel asked me something and I was so absorbed in thinking about Blaine, in trying to figure out what I could possibly do for him that I didn't even hear her.
Something about him is...haunting. Underneath all this sadness and anger, I can see that Blaine Anderson could be a wonderful person. He loves his family, he loved-still loves-his husband. I can see in my mind that being loved by Blaine Anderson must be nice. He must love with all his heart, his whole self. I bet he devotes all his time to you if he loves you, sends you flowers and gifts in the middle of the day just because he feels like it. Maybe he slips a sweet note in your back pocket when you're not looking, and then when you go to take out a dollar or two later you find it and it makes you smile. I bet he wraps his arms around you while you sleep, and I bet it makes you feel safe. He might wake you up in the morning with a soft kiss on your lips...
I close my eyes. Being loved by Blaine Anderson must be the loveliest thing in the world.
Suddenly, my eyes shoot open. Why am I thinking about a patient like this? What am I doing? Yes, he's handsome. And yes, I haven't been able to get him off my mind. But...that can't mean anything. I'm thinking about him because...because he's a new patient. And he is...interesting.
That's all it is. Blaine Anderson is interesting.