Chapter 2
January 27th

BLAINE

I'm back. I'm back in Kurt's office against my will. My mother made me come here.
In my head, that statement sounds so elementary school. "I didn't want you to come to my birthday party but my mom made me invite you."
But it's true. She's the only reason I'm here. I told her I didn't want to come back here, that I didn't want to talk about Andrew and she started to cry. She said "I can't lose another member of my family," and sobbed, so I wrapped my arms around her, kissed her on the forehead, and said, "ma, if you want me to keep seeing the therapist, I'll do it. For you."

Kurt walks in, that smile still on his lips. He sits down in the chair across from me and smiles.
"So Blaine-"
"I'm not back here because I want to be." I cut him off.
He nods. "Perfectly understandable. Why are you here then?"
I sigh. "I'm doing this for my mother."
"Are you close with her?"
I nod my head. "She guilted me into it."
Kurt smiles, chuckles quietly. "She guilted you into it? How?"

I lick my lips and then speak. "She...she told me she didn't want to lose another member of her family."

Kurt cocks his head to the side. "Another?"
"My father passed away four years ago."

Kurt purses his lips and then says, "that must have been hard for you."
I smirk. "Not really."
"And why is that?"

It's quiet for a few moments. "For my older brother, yeah, it was pretty hard on him. He and I both had fucked up relationships with our dad. But he fixed things before my dad died. For my baby sister, it was even harder. She's always been a daddy's girl. But for me....he never cared about me. It wasn't a big deal for me when he died. He and I hadn't spoken in years. It was just another death. He didn't even come to my wedding."

Kurt nods. "You're telling me you weren't sad at all when your father passed? Not even a little?"

I sigh. "I mean...I guess I was a little bit. When I was little he and I were really close. He took my brother and I to baseball games and to the park. And then I came out my freshman year of high school and that's when the ignoring started. He wouldn't even look at me if I was sitting right next to him. He wasn't speaking to my brother either, because he wanted to be an actor. My sister was born when I was a senior in high school and he loved her. I did too. I do. But he...he treated her like she was his only child. She's thirteen now."
"Did you resent your sister for that?"
I shake my head. "No...I mean, it wasn't her fault our dad's an asshole."
"An asshole who wouldn't come to your wedding?"
I nod.
"Can we talk about that? Your wedding?" Kurt asks.
I'm silent again. No. No we can't talk about my wedding.
"Was it a happy day for you?"
"Can we just keep talking about my father?"
Kurt shakes his head and smiles. "I don't think your father is the root of the problem, Blaine. Are you going to answer my question?"
"No."
Kurt leans forward in his seat.
"Then let's talk about something else. Why don't you tell me something about your husband?"
I shake my head. "I don't want to talk about Andrew."
"Why not?" Kurt asks, his voice gentle.
"Because...because it hurts too much."
"Why? Tell me why it hurts to talk about your husband. Andrew was his name, correct?"
Before I can control it, tears start to sting the backs of my eyes. "Because I loved him. More than anything in the entire world. And he's gone."
"Is that why you attempted suicide, Blaine?"
I'm silent again. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.
"Blaine?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Please."
Kurt smiles at me. "Alright. You're not ready today. I accept that. We'll work more next week."
He stands up and gestures for me to stand too. I do, and he walks me to the door.
"Have a good week Blaine. I'm looking forward to our next session."
I don't say anything, just leave.
But I'm looking forward to next week, too. Just a little.

--
KURT

I watch Blaine walk out my office door. It's not until he's gone, probably out in the waiting room already, that I notice I'm still smiling.
Something about him pulls at my heart.
Maybe it's that we're both gay. Maybe it's that we've both experienced a lot of loss.
I'm not sure what it is, but it's something.
He's so handsome, too. Those sweet, sad brown eyes, like...a puppy. A bulldog or something. And those unruly curls.
He doesn't smile often. Actually, he doesn't smile at all, really. He smirks, but he pulls off that "I don't care about anyone or anything" expression very well. I can see, though, that he would be so handsome if he smiled. I imagine he used to smile a lot, a big, face-splitting grin that lit up a whole room. And that it all changed when his husband died. I remember how my father was right after my mother died. I guess it's the same for Blaine.
I check my watch and see that I've been standing in my office thinking about Blaine for fifteen minutes. I shake my head and pull on my coat, then head outside to the subway station.

--
BLAINE


"So what did you and Dr. Hummel talk about today?"

I lean my head against the window, the glass cold against my skin. "Not much. Just...stuff," I reply.
I hear my mom sigh, and mentally I can see her rolling her eyes.
"What stuff, Blaine?"
"I don't know, like...well, we talked about dad."
"You...you talked about your father?"
Her voice catches at this and I soften just a little. I can't deal with my mom crying. I can take a lot, but my mom crying is not something I can watch.
"Yeah. About dad."
Mom turns away from me and wipes her eyes. "And did you talk about Andrew at all?"
I clench my jaw. "I...I wasn't ready. To talk about Andrew."
"You know that's why you're seeing a therapist, don't you Blaine? To gain some kind of closure about Andrew?"
"Yeah, mom. I do," I sigh. It hurts so much to think about him. I don't want closure. I want my husband back.
"Does Dr. Hummel think you're making any progress?"
"I don't really know, ma. Can we stop talking about it?"
"Blaine-"
"Mom."
She knows I'm done now, that she won't get me to talk about today anymore, so she purses her lips and reaches over the seat to squeeze my hand.
"I miss him, mom." I whisper.
She gives me a meaningful look and squeezes my hand again, leans over and kisses me on the cheek as we stop at a red light.
"Is Lizzie home yet?" I ask, hoping the answer is yes. No one can make me smile anymore, except my little sister.
"Yes. Sammy's mom dropped her off this morning."
I nod, glad she's back, as we pull into the driveway of the house I grew up in. I get out of the car and bound up to the stairs, but before I can put my key in the front door, my sister answers.
"Hey, B!" She exclaims, throwing her arms around me.
"Lizard!" I pick her up and spin her around, and she laughs.
"You know I'm not a little kid anymore right? And that eventually you won't be able to do that?"
I muss her curls and she flicks my forehead. "You're always gonna be a baby. How was your ski trip?"

Lizzie scowls and leads me into the living room, where we flop down on opposite couches. "It was alright. All my friends were trying to get these guys to notice us the whole time. I was the only one who actually wanted to go skiing."
"Keep it that way," I tell her. She laughs at me, her big brother being all protective. But I'm not joking. She's only thirteen. She can't possibly understand how much falling in love sucks. I'm thirty. I know this stuff.
I don't want Lizzie to ever experience anything I have.
Every experience I've ever had with love has ended terribly.
Lizzie doesn't deserve that.